If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

The Falcons are the undisputed Cinderella team this year. They are because Nightmare Falcon commands it. The Dolphins are a fine story, but we’ve made a striking about-face in an actually tough division. And they have Joey Porter, so I think you’ll join me in hoping those marine mammals get machine gunned while performing tricks for rotten fish.

However, there are those out there who would test the patience of Nightmare Falcon by pointing out disagreeable aspects of his Cinderella Falcons. These makes Nightmare Falcon lose plumage. Rather than reflexively give you the ol’ talon to the eye, I will calmly and rationally instruct you why you will ignore these things. Lest the talon find your eye socket.

-You will overlook white Falcons fans. Besides being incredibly disloyal, they, along with the media, will heap all the praise on Mike Smith and Matt Ryan for the Falcons playoff run, conveniently ignoring the contributions of Michael Turner, Roddy White and John Abraham. Way to follow the Paula Deen Diet, you fat fucks.

- You will ignore the black Falcons fans. Matt Ryan could win the next eight Super Bowls and they’d still be wearing Ookie jerseys to every game.

- You can pay attention to our Hispanic fan. He’s pretty cool. Say hi, Manuel.

- Speaking of Matt Ryan, do not judge him by his Masshole roots. Or the fact that Patriots fans are now rooting for either the Panthers or the Falcons to win the Super Bowl. Remember we had Joey Harrington last year. That sympathy should still linger.

- You will ignore that our general manager looks like Michael Showalter.

Or you could embrace it. The Baxter was funny. Admit it!

-While you’re at it, go ahead and disregard the entire state of Jawja. We gave you Outkast. Let’s just leave it at that.

What? NO! Who the fuck let Carter in? He’s history’s greatest monster! Fuck, now everyone hates us.

/sharpens talons

Update: Bonus Falcontardery courtest reader Matt T. They’re sure thrilled Matty Ice just won offensive ROY. “He’s the only reason they’re winnin’!”