The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 5th Seed — Atlanta Falcons
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
The Falcons are the undisputed Cinderella team this year. They are because Nightmare Falcon commands it. The Dolphins are a fine story, but we’ve made a striking about-face in an actually tough division. And they have Joey Porter, so I think you’ll join me in hoping those marine mammals get machine gunned while performing tricks for rotten fish.
However, there are those out there who would test the patience of Nightmare Falcon by pointing out disagreeable aspects of his Cinderella Falcons. These makes Nightmare Falcon lose plumage. Rather than reflexively give you the ol’ talon to the eye, I will calmly and rationally instruct you why you will ignore these things. Lest the talon find your eye socket.
-You will overlook white Falcons fans. Besides being incredibly disloyal, they, along with the media, will heap all the praise on Mike Smith and Matt Ryan for the Falcons playoff run, conveniently ignoring the contributions of Michael Turner, Roddy White and John Abraham. Way to follow the Paula Deen Diet, you fat fucks.
- You will ignore the black Falcons fans. Matt Ryan could win the next eight Super Bowls and they’d still be wearing Ookie jerseys to every game.
- You can pay attention to our Hispanic fan. He’s pretty cool. Say hi, Manuel.
- Speaking of Matt Ryan, do not judge him by his Masshole roots. Or the fact that Patriots fans are now rooting for either the Panthers or the Falcons to win the Super Bowl. Remember we had Joey Harrington last year. That sympathy should still linger.
- You will ignore that our general manager looks like Michael Showalter.
Or you could embrace it. The Baxter was funny. Admit it!
-While you’re at it, go ahead and disregard the entire state of Jawja. We gave you Outkast. Let’s just leave it at that.
What? NO! Who the fuck let Carter in? He’s history’s greatest monster! Fuck, now everyone hates us.
/sharpens talons
Update: Bonus Falcontardery courtest reader Matt T. They’re sure thrilled Matty Ice just won offensive ROY. “He’s the only reason they’re winnin’!”
Tags: Atlanta Falcons, hater's guide to the postseason, xmas ape
December 30th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
“…win the next three eight Super Bowls…” como say wha?
December 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
“Masshole roots?”
He may have gone to BC but the kid is from the Philly ‘burbs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
December 30th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
That’s the best looking female Falcons fan you could find? Yikes!
I guess it’s nothing a 6-pack, no, 12-pack, no, case of beer and a fifth of Cuervo couldn’t fix.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Seriously, fuck the Falcons.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Really, fuck the Falcons.
/hate, hate, hate, hate since 1967
December 30th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Wiat, they thank Arthur Blank for this year, yet ignore the abortion that was the last five years?
December 30th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Nightmare Falcon desperately wants Matt Ryan to taste his dirty bird.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dirty+bird
December 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
“…the patience of Nightmare Ant..”
you got your Deadspin in my KSK
December 30th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
“I want to be inside you.”
What’s that?
“I mean oh hey, what’s up?”
December 30th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I’ve fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man – a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you’re late for shul, and I don’t care that you’re bowlegged and I don’t care that you’re bilingual – all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I’ve always wanted you.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Jimmy Carter may or may not be history’s greatest monster, but Big Foot is without question history’s greatest monster truck.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
damn you Dusty Rubbers
December 30th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Sorry, Deadspinnian slip
December 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
That Nightmare Falcon better push his face back in before he scares Delia
December 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Nightmare Falcon looks like one of the crows Michael Jackson failed to scare in “The Wiz”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Euc9BWpZmuM
Falcons, You Can’t Win.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Meh. I have no hate. I will find some by this weekend. If need be, I will use transferrance hate. As in, “you asshat, you cut me off…did you learn to drive in Atlanta?”
December 30th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Atlanta isn’t all bad. Sure, it has its casual racism and it’s impossible to navigate their interstates, but it does possess one of the more thriving black communities in the country and where the fuck else would rednecks from other southern states go to find work?
December 30th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Atlanta Falcons fans — more fairweather than Patriots fans.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I hope Michael Turner attempts the dirty bird dance and subsequently dislocates both shoulders.
Die in a fire, Matty Ice
December 30th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
@ Jobu: Quit watching Hannah Montana you sick fuck!
/has 2 daughters that love that shit so fuck off. I only overheard that shit like 14,642 times.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Holy shit he really DOES look like Showalter. That conniving comedic genius!
December 30th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Fuck Atlanta – Fuck their shitty traffic(worse than DC), Fuck their shitty downtown(The Baltimore of the south), and fuck their shitty fans(They couldn’t even sell out a playoff game when they Braves went to every LCS in the late nineties)
/sorry for getting baseball in your ksk
December 30th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
We elected the wrong Carter.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Billy Beer!
December 30th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
heh, Pats fan here, that is true, once everything was settled for playoffs I immediately decided I would root for Atlanta.
did not know Ryan had roots in Massachusetts.. I lived in Rhode Island where there is possibly more hatred for Massholes than NYC
December 30th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
“Say hi, Manuel”
anyone know how to get grapefruit juice out of a keyboard?
“We gave you Outkast. Let’s just leave it at that.”
let’s not forget that GA produced [in conjunction with, i think, South Carolina, and the Rand Corporation] Mr. James Brown, Augusta GA
December 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
and, fuck the Patriots and Cowboys. just needed to be said.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
As a football fan, I’m happy for the Falcons and their turnaround.
As a Panthers fan, the Falcons and Matt Ryan can lick my sweaty taint
December 30th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Who knew Don Knotts was a Falcons fan? “Geee Andy!…”
December 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
@ foxxy brown
Mr. Dynamite was born in Barnwell, S.C., and grew up in nearby Augusta, GA. When he went on that inter-state, drug-fueled rampage in the late ’80s, he drove on his rims between the two cities.
“Hey! This bandstand was double-bolted!”
December 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Shit, I botched that James Brown Simpsons reference.
“Hey! This bandstand wasn’t doubled bolted!”
Do As You Feel.
December 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I can’t even watch football played in a dome, let alone cheer for a team that uses a dome as their home stadium.
December 30th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Listen to little Ruddager here.
December 30th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Casual racism in Atlanta? The only thing casual about racism in Atlanta are drinks at the country club.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
We like Roy! We like Roy!
December 30th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Falcons fans may not have “credentials” or “training”, but they have a PhD in pain.
Oh yeah, fuck Atlanta. Put them in a shame spiral.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
So……Exton, PA has been annexed by Massachusetts? I hope South Jersey gets Wilmington, DE.
/Matt Ryan is not from Massachusetts.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
You know how I said they had singing in Cincinnati? I lied.
You know, I figured, an actual quote from the Baxter might help, plus being a Bengals fan I can attest that there is no singing, at least not this year
December 30th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Seriously, fuck the Falcons. And their fairweather fans. Last year, there were more Saints fans in the Georgia Dome than Falcons fans.
The Falcons can all eat shit and choke on a Peachtree.
December 30th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
By his Masshole credentials, I meant going to BC. Roots was probably too loaded a term. Sorry to all the Pennsyljerseyians I offended.
/was born in Pennsyljersey
December 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I’ll see your racist Atlanta & raise you a Freak-nik!
December 30th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Real valid hatrid of the Falcons since 1998. And FUCK YOUUUU, Gary Anderson
December 30th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Go Panthers.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:45 am
Don’t forget about Lil John and Young Jeezy. We gave you that… as well as Coca-Cola. You’re welcome. Falcons fans are fair weathered because over half of the city are transplants — obviously the job market sucks in the rest of America. And I hope that Matty Ice fuckstarts Old Ball’s face on Saturday.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:28 am
i honestly have no opinion negative or positive about the falcons. its kind of strange because i have some sort of opinion about every other team in the league,but the falcons are the team so insignificant that i just kind of forget they are there. (except for that “DAHKIE” that murdered dogs,and i even somewhat forgot about that)
December 31st, 2008 at 3:29 am
@turley:you want them to choke on a street?
December 31st, 2008 at 11:21 am
“Remember how I told you they had singing in Cinncinati? I lied!”
December 31st, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Atlanta also gave us The Black Crowes, Collective Soul, and great TV shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Sealab 2021. And Atlanta gave us Martin Luther King Jr, by god. Sure, Atlanta’s got major problems, but it’s still a great place, even now with all of the transplants.
/Atlanta native.
March 14th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people will agree with your blog.