The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 4th Seed — Arizona Cardinals
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Kurt Warner: We’ve got plenty to be thankful for this year. It’s true. We’ve been blessed. Those blessing include a successful season, bringing this franchise its first home playoff games more than 50 years. If nothing else happens, we can come away from it feeling good about ourselves. I know God has given me more than I can ever have hoped to receive.
Still, I worry for your everlasting soul, brother Anquan. Since that hit, when they put all that metal in you, it’s like you’re more machine than man now.
Anquan Boldin: All. is. well. Metal. is. fine. We. run. slant. and. go. pattern. now.
Kurt: See, it’s one thing to excel on the field, but the moral character of a team is just as important. We already got Fitzy whaling on his wife. I can’t let you go wayward on me. Who knows where you may end up.
Anquan: What. is. soul? Is. this. [Skrrrrt] dummy. audible?
Kurt: Your soul? That’s the essence of your being. The part of you that transcends to heaven after your mortal life is over.
Anquan: Irrelevant. to. wide. receiver.
Kurt: That’s just plain not true. The power of prayer, it sustains us in all facets of being.
Anquan: Playbook. programming. does. not. recognize. [Skrrrrt] prayer.
Kurt: We’re gonna just have to fix that, then, won’t we. Join me in one of our 50-yard-line prayer circles, and I think it’ll change your life.
Anquan: Lifeform. [Whirs] Kurt. Warner. expendable. Create. replicant.
Kurt: Replicant? What are you talking about? I — OH GOD NO! WHAT ABOMINAT– NNNNOOOOOO!AAAACCKKGGGGGGG!
CyKurt: Must. execute. protocol.
Anquan: Protocol. is. go. route.
CyKurt: There. is. no. God.
Anquan: There. is. only. [Skrrrt] creator.
Will Leitch: Yesyes, my lovelies! I’ve programmed you to win AND WIN YOU SHALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, the buzzsaw that is the arizona cardinals, xmas ape
December 31st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Is that Robot Hell picture from one of the Futurama movies?
December 31st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
What happened to the Kurt Warner we all came to love from the Kurt N Kitna episodes? I want him to program Android Boldin to be a storage device for all his ubernasty porn stash.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Will he continue to be a Leitch on society?
December 31st, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Leitch, program? Leitch can’t figure out how to post a link and then close the link tag.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Anquan wanted to be the $6 Million Dollar Man, but the Cardinals are playing hard ball. Fitz is the only one who gets $6 million. After all, what has Anquan sacrificed for the Cardinals?
No defense = no playoff wins = one and done in the desert
December 31st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I don’t know if I buy this. robots would have been able to nicely screen print their makeshift championship towels, not just write them with markers
December 31st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Maybe Will can program a robot of himself that writes interesting and football related football columns as opposed to being the poor, young man’s version of Gregg Easterbrook.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I was waiting for Kurt to hurl a bible at someone’s back.
Damn I really miss the adventures of Kurt and Kitna.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Not enough irrational hatred here.
The countryside surrounding Phoenix is a lifeless desert moonscape. But within the city, there are countless, incongruously emerald-green lawns and golf courses, making the place as humid as any city in the country. Phoenix uses too much damn water and there are too many old people. The women can be hot, definitely, but they’re shallow and vacant.
The Cards started in Chicago, moved to St. Louis, then went to the Valley of the Sun. Fuck them all. Don’t forget the hatred, people.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Kurt’s Cyborg eye was designed by Stu Scott
/that’s just wrong
//another New Year’s resolution broken before it started
December 31st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I always knew Leitch had something against God. That anti-strip club post was just throwing us off the scent.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I read “Anquan” as Aquaman. I was both confused an excited.
Also, needs more uncomfortable public praise of Jesus Christ.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
/whaling
December 31st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
//asshole about verbiage
December 31st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
what about Fitzgerald and his crackers? and unicorn? and his randomly asking for something to drink?
December 31st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
@Gino – “The women can be hot, definitely, but they’re shallow and vacant. ”
Just like we like ‘em.
Just take the Over and enjoy the game boys and girls.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Phoenix – MILF, Cougar and Cheating Whore Capital of America (Every chick marries at 18 and is divorced by 23)!
And betting on the Cards to win a playoff game is like betting on Will Leitch to land Adriana Lima!
December 31st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Leitch had the robots read stories about his grandma, strippers and The Wrestler. The robuts then destroyed the NFL.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:22 pm
So when they make a movie out of Kurt Warner’s life, who will play him: Billy Bob Thornton or Billy Bob Thornton?
December 31st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
re: Leitchlard – Ya bettah ASK somebodaaaayyyyyy….nicely. And send a thank-you note afterward.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Fuck the Cardinals.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
benjamin.button.was.terrible.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:29 pm
OCP’s RoboLions didn’t fare so well for Delta City this year. Damn that Directive Four!
January 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
No crackers?