The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 6th Seed — Baltimore Ravens
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first second in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
At the Hogwart’s School of Towson, the honmaster has taught us many important incantations for bedazzling the foes of the fearsome black magic Ravens. I have spent several semesters honing my mystical techniques. Observe!
[Twirls magical lacrosse stick]
Officiatus Culpatimatum!
With this spell, I can blame everything on the NFL and officials hating the Ravens. And none will be the wiser. A pox on you, Walt Coleman. May Terrell Suggs threaten you and not follow through on it!
Metropolicon Insecurious!
One chant of this and I can make it rain in all the cities that surround Baltimore that I hold a grudge against for being better than my hometown. WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT!?
[Shakes lacrosse stick angrily at all the superior cities that surround Baltimore]
Judicious Obstructinium!
Now Ray Lewis can kill anyone he wants and announcers will continue to push his post-conviction religious awakening! He’s God’s linebacker! Yet he’s spending eternity jumping on piles of bodies in the eternal hellfire. Just don’t jump on Johnny U, Ray-Ray!
HHHEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
That’s not really a spell. We Ravens fans just like Todd Heap far more than any other player. I can’t really pin down why. I mean, he’s not the best player on the team. Not even in the top 5. For some reason, we feel a kinship with him, like we share some ineffable common trait. I bet he’d love to go downy o-shun with us! He’s so approachable!
Sure, Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl as a 6-seed three years ago with an 11-5 record and an inexperienced quarterback, but if we can’t do it, we’ll shrug it off by saying Flacco is rookie. And you’ll buy it, because you fell under the flummox spell of Muddle. You might even be duped into acquiring a Ravens fan’s overpriced Purple Cloak of Invisibility from White Marsh. Mwahaha! Tremble at my puckish grin, muggle!
Woooo! McTrain, Go. Crush the teams we should beat and lose to the ones we shouldn’t. That’s the Ravens way! Now excuse me, I must teleport myself far away from this horrid, crime-ridden city.
Pikesville Transporto!
Tags: FEARSOME RAVENS FANS, hater's guide to the postseason, seriously fuck baltimore, xmas ape
December 29th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Waitwaitwait. The Ravens have fans? When did this happen??
December 29th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“…is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.”
Actually, this is the second in a series; unless you would like to reference this being the first in a series of AFC Playoffs posts, then this is close to being correct; yet only worth half credit.
/puts red pen back in desk and goes back to work.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
It can’t be that Heap is white.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I love the Ravens, but there are some pretty…interesting…fans well worthy of mockery. Great hate as always, Ape. After a good hard look at this goofball however, he seems to be attempting more of a pimp look. Tiger striped cape, tiger striped hat, lot’s of bling…maybe he was trying to get into Silky’s head.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Hear, hear! Fuck Baltimore! The only reason they’re not all in prison is cuz God controls football.
December 29th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Trying to summon irrational hatred:
I know very little about Baltimore and I’ve never particularly liked or disliked the Ravens, but I absolutely hate that fruity Harry Potter shit. The picture of a grown man in a Harry Potter-themed costume at an NFL game is damning evidence. Seriously, what the Hell is wrong with you people?
Oh, and know what “Muggles” meant before it was co-opted by JK Rowling? Gauge, reefer, herb. Louis Armstrong wrote a song about it. Fuck you, Baltimore and fuck you, Harry Potter. Hatred wins again!
December 29th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Yeah, I know it’s a pimp costume, but from that angle it looks like a wizard’s cap, so I ran with it. Lame costume either way, made worse by the fact that he’s probably rocking the camo pants of invisibility.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Officiatus Culpatimatum!
Hey, that stupid Ravens fan stole that spell from me!
Also, that cloak/pimp jacket that Ravens’ fan is wearing has been enchanted, with +5 Stupidity, +7 Douchebag & +9 Obliviousness (to how ridiculous he looks).
December 29th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Well, for a town that refers to itself alternately as “Charm City” and “Bodymore”, either wizard or pimp will do, really. As long as someone keeps enchanting Ed Reed’s jersey with +2 interceptions, I can continue to grit my teeth through the more head shaking aspects of the Ravens and a large part of their fandom. The city just doesn’t really have much else.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Actually, as a greater Baltimore area resident (hell no, I don’t live in city, I like not having bullet holes in me) I’d say Todd Heap is currently in a three way tie with Matt Stover and Joe Flacco for “favorite white Raven”. It’s just that Heap has a name that easily lends itself to an obnoxious cheer, bless his strange Mormon heart.
And yes, we will call this season a success even if we’re eliminated in the first game. Hell, KSK called the Ravens winning 6 games at best, so y’all are clearly just bitter that our unibrowed rookie QB, fresh faced Coach and homicidal D-line are out performing your wildest imaginings.
/defensive homerism
December 29th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
If that guy is wearing pimp’s get-up instead of a Harry Potter one, I still have plenty of irrational hatred in reserve. I absolutely HATE it when suburban white guys dress up as ’70s-era black pimps. Even more so if an afro wig is added to the ensemble.
White pimps are Russian sex-traffickers who wear tracksuits and lots of gold jewelry. That kind of costume is more seen at Jets and Giants games.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
who wear tracksuits and lots of gold jewelry. That kind of costume is more seen at Jets and Giants games.
Except for Giants fans, it’s not a costume.
/readjusts gold jewelry
//applies third layer of make-up
December 29th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Why do Steelers fans yell HEATH when Heath Miller makes a catch?
December 29th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Pretty much every team does that with their tight end. But Ravens fans go a little nuts with Heap.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
oh, i see your Ravens hate is already fully seasoned, searing hot and delicious. no further marinating required.
“Pretty much every team does that with their tight end.”
ain’t nobody yelling “Vernon” out in these parts
December 29th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Q: There’s 4 Baltimore Ravens in a car, who’s driving?
A: The cops!
Seriously though, you can probably use this for most NFL teams.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
i hope the ravens dont bring that retarded-mouthed mongoloid looking michael phelps with them to nashville if they get past first round. id hate to see rednecks drooling on someone that looks like he drools on himself
December 29th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
As much as I hate the Ravens, a Titans fan calling fans of any other team rednecks is off-the-charts irony.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
hey christmas ape,im talking about titans fans…..those fuckwads in heroin-town are used to seeing retard mouth. us uneducated barefoots arent,hence drooling.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
get it now? im sorry,im probably going to get jumped by over-conservative sports guy,but im kind of stoned right now and maybe didnt type the first comment up to par.lo siento
December 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Ah, gotcha. Phelps goes to every sporting event that will let him in. He was at some random Celtics game a few weeks back, so you’re probably not safe from the gawky one.
December 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Upon careful observation of the picture, I think I now know where Andrew McCarthy’s been hiding out since Weekend at Bernie’s II.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I sometimes worry that “get a life” could be penned about me, then I see photos like this. Phew!
December 29th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
“Sure, Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl as a 6-seed three years ago with an 11-5 record and an inexperienced quarterback, but if we can’t do it, we’ll shrug it off by saying Flacco is rookie.” Also they could shrug it off by pointing out that the referees didn’t blow calls in their favor.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Rappaport, why are you even concerning yourself with pictures of Raven fans and refererences to books written for 12-year
old girls and 20-something yinzer virgins? Haven’t you heard the tragic news? Ben Roethlisburger just called a press conference at the hospital! Fresh off yesterday’s gruesome “concussion via falling backwards onto fat ass” Ben now says he thinks he shattered his femur putting on a flip-flop this morning! He’s obviously out for the season and there’s NO WAY he’ll ever be able to play football again so let’s start the grieving process in earnest and try to…..wait a minute….what’s this???………
(thumbs up)
OMG I THINK BIG JEN IS GONNA BE OK! YET ANOTHER CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!*
* along with Stillers rushing for 100 yrds in one football game.**
**against the Clowns…nevermind.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
@Genny:”To Joe Flacco and Coach Harbaugh (and all the other Ravens for that matter); you go on and get sexy with yourselves.”
Yep, yinz thanks y’all!
December 29th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
“Pretty much every team does that with their tight end.”
No one denies this?
December 29th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Such sour grapes from Barrack. I guess that happens when you get swept by a division rival.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I think you need to emphasize the white-trashness of some of the fans. Not all, but some are missing more teeth than they have.
Also, just throwing this out there: lacrosse is big in the baltimore area, but biggest in the Montgomery County area which is by far Redskins country.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
@ foxxy brown
“VERNON! YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT, YOU OVERPAID, OVERRATED, GLORIFIED TACKLE, GET THE FUCKING SHIT OFF OF MY FIELD BEFORE I RIP YOUR DICK OUT THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.” /drops pants
/Mike Singletaryed
December 29th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Being a Maryland alum, I have some sympathy for Vernon Davis. But at least you guys like Shaun Hill.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Every time I read one of Barrack Billick’s posts, I can’t help thinking of a quote from Baltimore’s greatest contributor to American history, Spiro T. Agnew, “Nattering nabobs of negativism.”
December 29th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Ape- I hope you weren’t referring to Pittsburgh when you mentioned cities around Baltimore that are better. Sure we’ll concede DC, Philly, and NY. But not Pittsburgh.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
As an INDIANAPOLIS Colts fan, I have a special hatred for Baltimore.
HAY BALTIMORE! How long is it going to take you guys to get over drunk-ass Robert Irsay taking the Colts in the middle of the night after you guys DIDN’T BOTHER TO SHOW UP IN THEIR LAST SEASON and refused to build them a decent stadium? IT WAS 25 YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT. Seriously, the Colts have been in Indianapolis so long, the kids that grew up rooting for the Indianapolis Colts HAVE NOW HAD KIDS, WHO ALSO ROOT FOR THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS. On a related note, please stop getting all amped up for Indy games and pretending like it’s some kind of great rivalry. The Colts 6-1 record against the Ravens isn’t a rivalry, it’s a yearly ass-beating. Remember when we knocked you guys out of the Playoffs in 2006, at HOME? Yeah, that was some FUN SHIT. So, on behalf of the City of Indianapolis, the Indianapolis Colts, and Indianapolis Colts fans, I’d like to cordially invite you to GET FUCKED. IN THE ASS. BY RAY LEWIS.
/Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
//Going to cut anyone wearing purple camo
December 29th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
So what will be the over/under on Ray Lewis’ dances for the Miami game?
December 29th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Please. You’d be apparating out of Baltimore, not teleporting. Get it right.
/draws lighting-bolt shaped scar on forehead
//dons black & gold invisibility cloak
December 30th, 2008 at 12:32 am
@ Monkey Business
Amazing that with all that time the Colts spent in Indianapolis, they didn’t win their first Superbowl until 6 years after the Raven’s won theirs. Go back to eating your mayo on white bread sandwich.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:37 am
@ President of the New Day Co-OP
Ain’t that America…
December 30th, 2008 at 12:43 am
You are not funny. Find another newspaper that will fire you.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:46 am
Vikes fan here.
/whistling through the graveyard
//nothing to see here, folks
///So, hoo do you like in the geem, Sundee?
December 30th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Quoth the Ravens- murder more!
December 30th, 2008 at 1:02 am
While it was indeed sad for America to watch Walt Coleman’s blatant rulebook rewrite for his team subvert any semblance of fairness and integrity in that game, you Appalachi spooge aficionados will be glad to know I’m way over it.
It’s the postseason. Everyone is 0-0 and I think we all know the Ravens will soon be enjoying the same kind of cosmic reparations the Chargers got yesterday in Hochuli Bowl 2. Ray Ray is going to have his way way all day day and when he and the REAL best D in the league are done turning your team out you’ll no doubt feel rather gay gay.
Plus, the NFL will only allow their refs to deliver one(1) tainted championship to the Stealers per decade. Sorry but them’s the rules.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:16 am
I put on my robe and wizard cap?
PS – I apparently vomited on my laptop during the liveblog and that terrible Broncos game. I’m pretty sure I looked worse than Cutler this morning.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Barrack Billick is a whiny bitch’s whiny bitch.
And karma only works in your favor when you don’t have murderers and bounty hunters on your roster.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Christmas Ape…original, as always.
//facetious
Will you ever stop recycling your same commentaries? I think Big Daddy Drew and Co. need to get you the F off of KSK and hopefully Florio will get you off PFT as well.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Odd how the same collection of trolls come out to tell me I’m not funny when I rip the Ravens.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:31 am
hey,i get it now…..(eyes light up)-FUCK THE RAVENS!
December 30th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Joe Flacco is uglier than you but can get way more chicks.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:36 am
I imagine the guy in the picture sounding like the Starburst berries and cream guy. “I’m a little lad who loves Lewis and Reed!”
Anyway, I don’t have particularly high hopes for the game on Sunday. As long as Lewis doesn’t stab Pennington to death, I’ll be happy.
December 30th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Joe Flacco is a first round top 10 NFL draft pick and starting QB. If he doesn’t pull more ass than 99.9% of all men, then he’s clearly not even trying. He’s probably not even leaving his apartment.
@President of the New Day Co-OP
Amazing how the Colts beat the Ravens on the way to that Super Bowl. AT HOME. By the way, it’s 2008. Your five year window for waving that in anyone’s face is up.
@Barrack Billick
The Chargers got legitimately jobbed. The Ravens just suck.
//mmmm that’s some tasty punk-ass berry flavored haterade
December 30th, 2008 at 2:21 am
@joevishunda I don’t concern myself with the opinions of people who use words like “yinz”. So far it’s only had a positive effect on my life.
Does anyone else mentally substitute Chad Sexington for Chad Pennington anytime someone talks about the Dolphins? Just me? Alright.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Fuck jealous Ravens fans. Ape is tremendous and Barrack Billick can go rim himself. Go watch reruns of Homicide and yearn for the glory years of your shithole town.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:18 am
@ Monkey Business
ZOMG THE RAVENS LOST A HOME PLAYOFF GAME TO THAT YEAR’S SUPERBOWL WINNER!!!1 THE INDY COLTS HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!!!
Also, you dismiss the whole who won a Superbowl first thing, saying that that happened more than 5 years ago, yet you prominently cite the Colts 6-1 (it’s actually 7-2, but whatever) record against the Ravens despite that having occurred over a much longer than 5 year period. The five year window thing would also invalidate your statement about Baltimore’s fans being lousy (and thus the impetuous for the Colts exodus) because that as you said happened so long ago that those Baltimore Colts fans have had kids who are Ravens fans that never rooted for the Colts (I’m one of them).
Also, Joe Flacco is actually a first round, #18 pick (hey, another fact you got wrong). Therefore, his inability to pull ass is understandable.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Damn, I hate the Ravens. – That Le’Ron McClain should be Sexy Friday fodder.
December 30th, 2008 at 4:47 am
@ Greenman: “VERNON, YOU BETTER PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER”
-Foxxy, from my end zone seat over the 9ers tunnel (tunner?) every home game since that dumb ass personal foul
@ Ape: i <3 Shaun Hill, and am hoping “Hill to Morgan – TD!” soon sounds as familiar as Montana/Young to Rice/Taylor/Owens et al.
@ Ben: good one, sir
December 30th, 2008 at 4:57 am
That Harry Potter costume was ridiculous
December 30th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Here’s a true story
My dad went to get me a Flacco jersey for x-mas. He went to Modells in Arundal Mills, they were sold out of Flaccos and Heaps, but had plenty of Masons and Lewis. He then went to Modells in the Reisterstown Plaza, Flaccos and Heaps were there in droves, but no Suggs or Claytons. Hmmmm
December 30th, 2008 at 8:58 am
What?! No e pluribus unim! This can’t be accurate!
December 30th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Ape and I agree on one thing… Phelps is a friggin’ goon. Can’t wait to see him on Match Game 2025 next to the head of Betty White and The Naked Guy Who Won The First Survivor Then Went To Prison.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Pittsburgh fans VS Baltimore fans: It’s a lot like watching a bum fight.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:27 am
@chad’s wobbler, he is a hungry fighter, matter of fact, he’s fighting for a sandwich.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I fucking love the Rosetta Stone commercials Phelps is in. I’m not sure if it’s marketing genius or stupidity though. On one hand, I think, “If they can teach that slack-jawed retard to say even a few words of Chinese, that shit must be good!” On the other, I think, “How is some fuckface who can barely put together a sentence in English and is obviously illiterate a good choice for language software?”
December 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Baltimore was an integral part of Tony Siragusa’s advanced degree in Douchebaggery.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
That “five year” thingy clears the murdering linebacker too, doesn’t it?
Fuck Baltimwhore. You stole your team. Die in a fire.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The Steelers-Ravens Rivalry is the new Steelers Browns-Rivalry (possibly because the Ravens are in fact the Cleveland Browns).
As much as I love watching the new Browns be absolutely pathetic a year after they showed signs of life, that rivalry is just getting sad. I loathe the Ravens, however if they don’t roll over the Dolphins I will be very surprised. That being said I am rooting for them to get to the second round, lose to the titans, but have Ray Lewis shank so many offensive players in between plays that the Steelers trounce the Titans in the AFC championship.
As much as the hatred between Ravens and Steelers is deep seeded, both sides should admit if the AFC championship is Steelers-Ravens neither team will have enough healthy bodies to compete for the Superbowl. That game will be a freaking blood bath.
I will depart by saying, no matter how many ridiculous purple uniforms you put on shit, its still Brown.
Fuck the Ravens, and your Cleveland roots…but I still don’t want to see you in the playoffs.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
@ PirateParrotDrugLord
That being said I am rooting for them to get to the second round, lose to the titans, but have Ray Lewis shank so many offensive players in between plays that the Steelers trounce the Titans in the AFC championship.
—————————————
After the stomping the Tits layed on the Stealers (and your “terrible” binky blanky) I understand your pathetic desire to have a real team hobble them for you. I can’t say I blame you oh wait I’m a man who’s team doesn’t need any other team’s help…I CAN say I blame you.
And the Ravens have zero Cleveland roots because Baltimore left the Clown’s precious history* in Cleveland where it belonged.
I think you’re confusing them with the Indianoplace “Let’s keep the laundry and pretend we were part of the GREATEST GAME EVA and maybe Unitas might acknowledge our pathetic existence oh wait he told us to fuck off” Irsays.
*Cleveland precious history = world’s ugliest uni/world’s 2nd dumbest name behind “Stealers”/The Drive/Red-Right 88/zero superbowl attendance etc etc etc..
December 30th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
And I think Barrack is ignoring the loss the Ravens suffered to the Titans at home. Prepare to get a mudhole stomped in Flacco’s unibrow in Nashville.