The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 5th Seed — Indianapolis Colts
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Looks as through Lil’ Ronnie is all growed up. Not having ever been to Naptown and never having a reason to go, I can’t begin to speculate on what it is that makes it a hotbed for horrible amateur white boy rap. I’ll go ahead and guess the general despair. So, let’s review the latest hotness:
Okay. I made it about a minute and a half through that lyrically lyrical shart and, frankly, I feel like I deserve a medal for it. Let me wrap it up be saying Colts fans are cordially invited to shut the fuck up about Peyton being MVP. “Oh, he performed pretty well at times after holding off on getting surgeries he should have had earlier in the off-season!” Die. I know you love the guy, because you didn’t follow the team until he showed up, but, seriously, no one but you and elite fliers like Peter King buy it.
Speaking of Pey-Pey, expect yet another chastising of the O-line should Indy fall to San Diego Saturday night. Peyton long ago joined the Favraro Club of getting a free pass from the media to act as much a sniveling dicksmack as he likes and never get called out on it (fitting as he and Favre will each retire with one ring). Could you imagine what the reaction would be if, say, McNabb did that? He’d be reamed by every sportswriter in America.
Hopefully the Colts can make a swift exit as usual from the postseason (2006 was, as Emmitt Smiff would call, an “amorition“) Tony Dungy can retire to write pamphlets for PFOX and MarHar can go gun-running with Plaxico.
You would think the football public would immediate gravitate to liking the Pats’ biggest rival but we can’t. Because you’re just that fucking annoying. Luckily you got rid of a home field that was actually difficult to play in, not that you have any home games this postseason.
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, land of shit, punter would insult the town itself but he's too lazy, xmas ape
December 30th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
thank you for touching on the fact that pouting peyton gets to call out everyone else except himself when things turn to shit without ANYONE checking him.such a bush league faggot.i cant fucking stand him with his michael phelps-esque retard mouth.
December 30th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
WIPE THE DROOL OFF OF YOUR LIP,MONGOLOID
December 30th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
“These are OR scrubs.”
“O, R they?”
December 30th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
AFC Related: Shanahan Fired. http://blogs.nfl.com/2008/12/30/broncos-fire-long-time-coach-shanahan/
Cel-ebrate good times c’mon!
December 30th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
MarHar doesn’t run guns, he just gets rid of the evidence.
December 30th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Where is Punter’s great artwork for this haters guide. Just doesn’t feel complete without it.
http://cdn.kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com-s1.simplecdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/lucasoilstadiummarhar1.jpg
That’s better
Also CJ, your not the only Titan’s fan scared shitless of facing the Raven’s in two weeks.
December 30th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Hey, I did that one. He did the Land of Shit with the RCA Dome. I’ll add it though.
December 30th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
OK, I’m an Indy fan but that was dreadful. I feel like Sasha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights – “what eees this shart, et ees ze nonsense!”
And any good Colts fan who only loves Peyton is a piece of shit. It’s about the “Little D That Could” (also your nickname in college). Our defense is undersized but plays tough and comes up big when we need them. I’m a COLTS fan, not a Peyton Manning fan.
It’s like a Chargers fan beign only an LT fan…I’m just kidding, there are no Chargers fans. Fucking bunch of fuck fucks.
(Also – I think a better nickname for Shanahan is “The Shana-tan”. *sigh* no more Shanahan OR Romeo? Who the hell am I gonna hate on now?)
December 30th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
collins gets it…..
December 30th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
also,mike d…..you may have opened my eyes. maybe i dont hate the COLTS,i probably just hate that soft as icecream cissy ass quarterback you have (his 12 yr old brother eli can take a hit without crying like he does).maybe its all misplaced anger toward your whole team because of that fuckwad you have at QB…..nah,fuck your team. get rid of that asshole at quarterback and possibly leave my division and we can talk…..
December 30th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Chris Johnson….nevvveerrrrrr! Don’t you see? If it wasnt’ for us whooping your ass each year you never would’ve developed what it took to become a good team! WE CREATED YOU!!! It’s like poking a bear to make it a better fighter, or beating your wife to make her cook better. It’s all been for your own good.
December 30th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
haha!!! thats fucking awesome!!!!the colts moved up a notch in my book because of you mike.still dont like them,but i like you! spousal abuse references are always a plus for me!
December 30th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
What Mike D said. The one thing that really annoys me as a Colts fan is that the media is sucking off Peyton and proclaiming him as MVP. Seriously, he wasn’t that great this year. And Peyton sort of is my favorite player on the team.
December 30th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I am a Colts fan but facts are facts when it comes to Manning. The playoff run in ‘06 can be attributed to spectacular Defense and the emergence of the running game by Addai and Rhodes, anathema when said to many other Colt Fans but true. Manning was terrible that year in the postseason throwing mulitiple interceptions. It really wasn’t until Super Bowl XL that he got into a groove. Though Manning is crucial to the Colts success as of late he shouldn’t get all the credit. Brackett, Brock, Mathis and Freeney have bailed #18 out more than once this season.
December 30th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
You can flaunt that 0-5 record all you want, but it’s not the Colts’ fault the Steelers didn’t make the playoffs in ‘06.
December 30th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
joseph addai was fucked out of the super bowl mvp that year as well. maybe its because they really didnt want to give it to a rookie,but if anybody other than addai deserved the mvp,it was the OTHER running back dominic rhodes. but i knew from the beginning and all thru the game,they are gonna give it to poutin manning because mr.december finally made it all the way.and last years super bowl mvp,just too good of a story i guess “lets give it to the other manning brother this year”. kiss my ass. i dont see eli winning that game without the pressure put on “tawmmy” brady.getting off topic,stay focused. so yea,peyton manning doesnt scare me about playing the colts.hit his pussy ass a couple of times he’ll get shook.but who does scare me?bob fucking sanders.if we see the colts in the playoff i know that kerry “tent city” collins will wanna show that he can pass,and throw one right to mr.sanders.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
oh man, im just glad the word shart finally made its way onto this website.
now im just waiting for felching to make an appearance and my life will be complete.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
“Manning was terrible that year in the postseason throwing mulitiple interceptions. It really wasn’t until Super Bowl XL that he got into a groove.”
Right… because he only threw for 349 yards against the Pats in the AFC Championship game.
Unless some other player totally dominates the game the Super Bowl MVP is always going to go the QB by default. It happened with Peyton, Eli, and Brady in ‘01. It’s stupid but it’s the way things are.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Are you kidding me!? Are you FUCKING kidding me!? Why the hell did I just waste 3:31 watching that entire video?
December 30th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Ollie: You’re a better man than I. I giggled at the Mayflowers but got real bored real quick. Maybe made it to 1:10.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Dear Christmas Ape: I admire you finding this garbage. I am not sure how much haterade you should get for posting it as I watched the whole piece of shart and now am concerned about my dreams tonight. MORE BEER necessary.
PS: Pey Pey taught Marmalard, Cutlerfucker and Romo all the douche they know being the senior douche and bus tosser he is.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
dum bunny:unfortunately youre right about the qb/mvp thing.but im sorry,even with knowing that and also assuming the colts were going to beat the bears (i hate the colts,but i am realistic),and all probably with the arm of poutin manning,the RB play overshadowed mannings play.i think this may be an even bigger problem in the future tho due to the running back tandems to where voters instead of determining which RB was more impactful,they’ll just say fuck it and hand it to the QB. but honestly,last year with eli was much worse. all eli did was not fuck up,but the defense did something that no one else did all year-keep tommy boy on his ass the whole game. so yea,i guess the super bowl is nearly as much of a farce as the Pro Bowl
December 30th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
did Manning get into his groove by WATCHING SuperBowl XL?
December 30th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Good call. I misspoke. I meant to say Super Bowl XLI. Apologies.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I am a Colts fan too. . . that could be the sorriest thing I have ever seen. I don’t care whether you love or hate the team, but who compares anyone (except Peter King) to a shart!?
Maybe it would work for women that think I am like a shart. . . because whenever I get between their ass cheeks they get scared. But even that is a stretch, especially for me.
On a totally unrelated note. . . Fuck Laserface.
December 31st, 2008 at 12:31 am
Right now I like the Colts to win it all.
Of course, this means they’ll shit the bed again against SD this weekend.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:23 am
Well technically the Colts could get a home game if them and the Ravens both make the AFC Championship game. Now since the Colts are just going to lose at Pittsburgh anyway it doesn’t matter.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:51 am
Aw, c’mon, you east coast fuckers, ease up on Indianapolis. I have cousins in Indy- except I never visit them and I don’t have any reason to.
December 31st, 2008 at 7:32 am
Anybody catch the enlightening and wonderful Pey-Pey interview about his wittle bursa sacks and how the 30 minute surgery with 80 stiches turned into a 2.5 hr surgery with like 300+ stiches. He is such a touch guy and a wonderful example to all the children in Afghanistan.
/coughs and says bullshit at the same time
December 31st, 2008 at 8:11 am
Thanks dAndy! That is a perfect example!!! No, I will avoid the story now.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
No prob, just avoid ESPN if you see a guy being interviewed who’s head is so big it doesn’t even fit in the screen when they do the typical facial close up shot.
Speaking of facials, Happy New Year cuntpunchers!
December 31st, 2008 at 8:31 am
OMFG! Once again….East coast whinners prove my point. Get the fuck over yourselves you mush mouthed faggot ass inbred hilljacks! Patriots sucks, cuz they CHEAT, have an ASSHOLE in Brady and BelaCHEAT. Jets sucks, duh, Bills suck. The only reason Giants are in would be that they have a MANNING on the team. East coast faggots have to CONSTANTLY blame and put down any and everyone except themselves when they consistently suck ass.
I will admit….East coast teams and their retarded rude fans are almost as fun to hate and BEAT every year then West Coast teams and fans.
Almost.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:33 am
New England is like that douchebag we all know and hate. But Indy is like that nice guy asshole that thinks that, just cause he’s a nice guy, he can get away with being an asshole.
That’s why we can’t root for them either.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:36 am
Didn’t this used to be a humor blog? Oh wait –I forgot, the only one with a modicum of talent only writes here occasionally now.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:58 am
I’d rather get Fordyce than see the Colts and vagina face win.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:00 am
Waaaaahhhhh! This isn’t a humor blog anymore because you ripped my team in a series of posts dedicated to hating the teams in the playoffs!
December 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am
Peyton is the MVP! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(has gay affair w/ Manning)
(cheats on him with Kerry Collins)
(writes shitty country song)
December 31st, 2008 at 11:35 am
Jeez Colts fans, calm down to a panic.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
It is your God given right as a sports fan and as a man to hate other teams. We all do it. We all love it. This means that no matter who your team is, people hate them. Accept it and move on. If you don’t, if you get all worked up whenever someone takes a shot and your beloved franchise, you’re essentially telling other people that they can’t be fans. You’re the guy who takes the last of the coffee at work, doesn’t make another pot and then bitches if they find it empty. You’re the guy that hates someone because their girlfriend is hotter than yours. You’re the guy in his car bitching about other drivers while on your cell phone. You’re the guy who complains about the quality of the free beer at the party. You’re the guy who complains about the blog that you chose to read. You are the embodiment of whining, self-righteous, unaccountable and undeserving entitlement.
Simply put, you are not a man.
You’re Peyton Manning.
December 31st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
can’t have a colts post without posting this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xahi0bqz2Mo
January 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@ Nitro
I bet that was some delicious popcorn that fat-shit tongue fucked.
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
it is amazing how people are taking this dude so seriously….like hes actually tryin to make it as a rapper….he’s obviously getting the last laugh since u turds take the time to post about it…good stuff…..LMAO….”just like a shart”=brilliance
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