The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: AFC 4th Seed — San Diego Chargers
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Success comes to the Laserfaced! Douse me in Tentacle Grape, for I have just fucked the Cutlerfucker back to his dimly lit room for some good slicing-myself-while-listening-to-Deb-Talan.
With mopey mope suicide girl Cutlerfucker out of the picture and Ratface Shanatan gone for good, The Laserface Revenge/Coach-Killing Tour © rolls on. Next up is Phoetus Manning and Tony Dungheap. You got one over on King Philip earlier this year. BUT THAT’S ONLY WHEN I WAS LETTING THE LEAGUE LAY ITS GUARD DOWN! YOU DIDN’T THINK I’D DIDN’T KNOW DENVER WAS GOING TO CHOKE, DID YOU? DID YOU? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU!
My gang of supersoldiers is running at full cream. 8-8 DON’T MEAN SHIT! WE’VE BEEN GIVEN LIFE ANEW! AND WITH LIFE COMES A DICK TO FUCK YOU WITH!
Tomlinson: flexflexflexflexflexflexflexflexflexflexflexflex
Rivers: Wellie well well wellington, three gimme touchdowns against a porous Denver defense and all of a sudden LaToeInjury wants to pretend like he’s the blue-ribbon bitch again?
YOU HAVEN’T DONE FORDYCE’S-INFECTED DICK ALL SEASON, MR. LEAN MEAT PROTEIN!
Just to spite you, I bought four Philips brand flatscreens yesterday and kicked over the Vizio display with your visored vagina all over it. AND IT STILL GAINED MORE YARDS THAN YOU!
The only thing keeping us in contention all year was this God-graced football cannon and My Tiny Pocket Darren.
He’s useful because he’s portable AND HE DOESN’T SIT OUT AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES IN HIS PUFFY COAT ON THE BENCH LIKE SOME DETACHED OVARIES I KNOW!
I can see it now: Early February in Tampa. All the nearby hometown Alabamians will have hitchhiked into town to see King Philip’s coronation against the Shelisha who was too good to play here.
I’ll use my bonus money to get me a giant floating zeppelin so I can cast disdainful glances on my subjects. “Please, please, regard us,” they’ll cry. AND THAT’S WHEN I’LL GOLDEN SHOWER THE LOT OF THEM! THEY’LL BE SO PROUD THEY’LL TELL THEIR GRANDKIDS AND MAIL CARRIERS ABOUT IT!
I’ll be champeen of the world. They will not need to ask somebodddaaaayyyyy because they will know. BUT I WILL TELL THEM ANWAY!
YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODDDAAAAAYYYYYYYY!
December 31st, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I’m looking forward to watching Peyton put his 6′5″, 230lb., laser, rocket arm up Laserface’s ass.
Fuck him, fuck LaToeInjury Tomlinson, and fuck AnToeInjury Gates.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Monkey, not if one certain bursa sac explodes.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:36 pm
If LT could play against Denver every week he could be LT again! One and done.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Needs more Volektricity.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Dude, Chargers are gonna totally own this game. Those Colts guys are fags. Let’s hang at Tourmaline, catch some gnarly waves then head to Robertos for a carne asada burrito. Yahh!
/Fuck the Chargers
//Lived in Pacific Beach, dude for like years and shit
December 31st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
AND WITH LIFE COMES A DICK TO FUCK YOU WITH!
Words to live by
December 31st, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@ yeah, right: God, I hate PB’ers. But not as much as I hate the Chargers. So, I’ll give you that.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be dodging the crazy homeless guy trying to sell me his blanket in my alley in North Park.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I hope I suffer from amnesia some day so I can read all of these posts for the first time again.
I’ll also be able to play Super Mario 64 again and it’ll be as awesome as it was ten years ago.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
LaDainian looks like Piston Honda after a win
December 31st, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Can we please get a side by side picture of Norv Turner and Danny Trejo? Please? Oooh..or maybe one of Danny Trejo holding a clipboard with that “fuck I’m awesome” smug look Turner has when they take the lead in games.
I don’t know if I like that face, or his “DON’T YOU FUCKING EVEN THINK ABOUT CALLING AN AUDIBLE, RIVERS!” face more.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Is there a sportsbook where I can bet on how many girls Rivers has raped, or how many girls he’s helped rape with his “bro’s at Sigma Kappa Pi”
December 31st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Fuck Laserface right in the goddamn ear. If there is a Football God, he will allow Dwight Freeney at least three sacks and a limpoff this weekend.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
@Katni: Just auditioning for when we create the stereotypical Charger fan. He HAS to be from PB. As for the homeless guy, toss him a buck, he’s still pissed that he lost his house when Cal-Trans finally completed the I-15 extension through his neighborhood.
/still miss Robertos
//mmm rolled tacos
December 31st, 2008 at 5:41 pm
@ yeah, right: I find more of them to be from Chula Juana and environs. Too many transplants from the Midwest in PB to be purely Chargers fans. And they allllll hang out at PB Bar and Grill and Moondoggies.
I let them rummage through my trash on a daily basis. That’s good enough, right? Sometimes there’s still some beer swill at the bottom of the bottles, too!
You can’t go wrong with food from anyplace that ends in “-ertos”, though. Especially not at 2AM.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I always assumed Alabamians traveled when Nick Saban damn well tells them to.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Is it OK to start drinking yet?
December 31st, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I just wanted to join in the PB hate party. Why wouldn’t any of those vapid, brainless whores living around there fuck me? What am I, covered in sores?
Oh. Yeah, I guess I probably should get these checked out. Thanks for being honest.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Ooh, ooh! I wanna get in on the PB hate! But only because it’s paradise, and it’s impossible to pick up a girl there when you live in 29 Palms.
/remembers hating life
December 31st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
@Zack: Maybe you should try wearing a platinum card around your neck. That should work.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@CC: I have many a friend in 29 Palms. Was just in Palm Springs last weekend visiting a couple of ‘em. You ever used to hang out at the Hair of the Dog?
December 31st, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I desperately want this team to win the super bowl, if no other reason than it would be yet another huge slap in the face to the patriots of an 8-8 team managed to win the thing.
ohpleaseohpleaseohplease
December 31st, 2008 at 7:02 pm
THE COLTS ARE THE HOTTEST TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO ONE DENIES THIS.
DWIGHT FREENEY AND ROBERT MATHIS WILL GANGRAPE PHILLIP RIVERS IN THE BACKFIELD ON EVERY PLAY. IT WILL BE AWESOME.
//OBNOXIOUS AND HOMOEROTIC HOMERISM
December 31st, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Yeah, I never got laid in PB either. You have to lower your standards and go to La Mesa or El Cajon to seal the deal.
Wouldn’t hurt if you had an eight-ball of meth in your pocket.
Not that I would know.
/seriously, can we start drinking yet?
December 31st, 2008 at 7:29 pm
@Mike D
Considering Rivers got married at 20 to his high school girlfriend, has 4 kids and is a fucking spokeman for abstinence education, I’m gonna go with 0.
Marmalard is my favorite character, but lets seperate fiction from real life.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Laserface and Tiny Darren will have to be extra valiant, NBC has already decided to make this the Manning SuperBowl…. “did you know Peyton and Eli are brothers??? Who will Archie root for?? What about mom? And Cooper???!!!” The fix is in and only Philip can stop it.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:07 pm
flexflexflexflex > bikebikebikebike
December 31st, 2008 at 8:50 pm
bravo PB haters. bravo. what you said a thousand times
went to Cal Western. every fucking person in that school that i did not like? by sheer coincidence i’m sure, it always turned out that they lived in PB. or Mission/Fashion Valley.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:54 pm
musically speaking…
Drive Like Jehu > Zero Boys (no offense to the Zero Boys though)
football speaking…
Zero Boys > Jehu
Hell to the Marmalard. Go Indy.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:55 pm
“PB hate! But only because it’s paradise”
in this instance, CC stands for “Captain Caucasian” :-P
December 31st, 2008 at 9:25 pm
This is off topic, but Cowher turned the Jets cuz he didnt want to coach Favre!!
http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/83432-sources-cowher-didnt-want-to-coach-favre?eref=fromSI
Amazing.
December 31st, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Someone needs to give Tiny Pocket Darren the Lennie Small treatment.
January 1st, 2009 at 12:07 am
Fuck the Chargers and Ryan Le…. Rivers.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:47 am
And for the record, PB is fucking paradise.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:50 am
Norm?
The prowler needs a jump.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Fuck San Diego. Why? Because Fuck You, that’s why. Hatred wins again!
January 1st, 2009 at 10:07 pm
@Ignorance
It sounds like the real Rivers is more of a prissy douchebag than the fake one is.
January 4th, 2009 at 1:04 am
Suck it up bitches, Chargers just OWNED Satan Manning and the Colts. Buh bye, your MVP title means NOTHING. And Pats fans, please leave San Diego, especially PB. We hate you man-chowda gobblers. Vajayjay Cuntler can like Philip Rivers and LT’s hoop, the little prison bitch that he is.
January 4th, 2009 at 1:07 am
San Diegans hate all you pathetic transplants who come here with your ugly pasty fat asses polluting our beaches with your hideousness. Please go back to your awful hometowns and get the F out of San Diego. PB was so much better when there wasn’t a bunch of douchebag eastcoasters and midwesterns ruining our fun town full of beautiful people who love the Chargers. Oh yeah, LT scored a TD, so did Sproles. Donkos fans, get over it losers. You too Satan Manning lovers.