THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!
Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE DIEHAHHHD FANS OF CELTIC NATION could get fackin’ shut out of the fackin’ playawffs even if they win 11 games. WHAT THE FACK?!
THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!
(tucks entire pack of Red Man in left cheek)
I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah! And let me tell you something, yah fackin’ CAWKLICKAH! You will nawt find a more-ah gritty, gutty, GRUTTY team! NO ONE DENIES THIS! How can you deny this scrappy, scruffy, scraffy awganization they-ah rightful due with a playawff spawt? THIS IS A FACKIN’ CRIME WARSE THAN ANY CRIME COMMITTED BY ANY DAHHHKIE EVAH!
(flexes triceps for no reason)
LOOK AT THESE FACKIN’ TRIS! MY FACKIN’ GARLFRIEND WAHHHSHIPS THESE!
The Pats have earned they-ah way into these playawffs! You tell me anothah team that could suhvive the lawss of Tawmmy Brady – ONLY THE GREATEST QB IN FACKIN’ HISTORY, YOU FACKIN’ DICKSIPPAH! – and still beat underrated opponents like the Raidahs, and the Cahhhhdinals, and the Rams! NO OTHAH TEAM IN THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE IS IN THEY-AH STRATOSFEE-AH!!!
When I think of awl that we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, have had to suffah through this yee-ah, I am flabbahghasted! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD SURVIVE THIS! THAT’S A FACT! You think back to Septembah. Only these GREAT BEANTOWN fans could lift a team like this to whey-ah they-ah ahhh now. In any othah town, this team goes 5-11. It took all my rooting powah just to get them to this point. It has drained awl my fackin’ enahgy! So much so that I cannot tawnt my buddy JackZ about the Sabathia signing as much as I would like! HA HA YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS SIGNED A FACKIN’ FATASS PITCHAH! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T WAWNT HIM! THEO EPSTEIN IS THE SMAHTEST MAN IN AMERICA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(chokes dog)
I’ll tell you what this fackin’ is. It is yet anothah conspiracy by the nawt fay-uh league! They go out of they-ah way to make life as easy as pawssible far thah Dolphins, Jets, Bills, Titans, Steelahs, Browns, Bengals, Ravens, Colts, Jagwahhs, Texans, Raidahhs, Chiefs, Chahhhjahhs, Brawncos, Vikings, Bay-uhs, Packahhs, Lions, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, Cahhdinals, Seahawwwwks, Farty Ninahs, Bucs, Falcons, Saints, and Panthahhhhhhs!!!! IT’S SO TRANSPARENT! THEY AHHH FAVAHHING AWL THE OTHAH TEAMS!
(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)
WAWTCH ME CRADLE!
I know why this is. The League knows that, if the Pats gawt in, they would clee-ahly run the table. Who would they play in Round 1? Those faggots from Denvah? Easy win! Then they go to Tennessee? THAT TEAM IS NAWT PREPAY-UHED TO HANDLE A BELICHICK D IN THE PLAYAWFFS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
Then they get Pittsburgh? I feel like they could win that game by at least farty points! The league knows this. That is why they arranged the playawff system like this all those yee-ahs ago! SPECIFICALLY TO SHUT US OUT THIS YEE-AH! And that’s why they sent Ryan Clahhhk to cheap shawt my beloved WELKAHHH! Liitle do they know he’s MADE OF STEEL! YOU CAN’T HURT THE UNHURTABLE!
He’s as hahhhd as the streets I wawk on! THAT WAS A DIRTY HIT! WES EASED UP BEFORE-AH THE WHISTLE BLEW AND DIDN’T KEEP HIS HEAD UP! THAT MEANS HE GETS SPECIAL PROTECTION! Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!
(urinates on nearby car)
This playawff system needs to be fixed! You know a playawff is facked when the Colts get in and the Pats don’t! That Colts team is lucky to be 11-4! They ahhh only 27 plays away from being 0-15! It’s so obvious to anyone who knows footbawll! THEY SACK! Only the Pats don’t need luck to win. Everyone else only wins because it’s a fluke! Like the Giants last yee-ah! That Tyree catch was pure luck! Extending yar bawdy to catch the bawl, and then secure it against yar helmet while absorbing a blow from the defendah? THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF LUCKY!
It’s clee-uh what has to happen hee-ah. The playawff system must be rejiggahed! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS JIGGAHED! Farst awff, no mar Colts in the playawffs. EVAH! Secondly, the entrants should be determined by a Blue Ribbon council headed by myself, TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE, along with various Bawston people who KNOW WAY MAR ABOUT SPARTS THAN YOU DO! FAGGOT! Like thah Chahhjahhs could evah beat the Pats! What a joke!
(pulls sink out of wall)
That way, we can avoid a season as tainted as this one. If the Pats do nawt make the playawffs, it’ll be the greatest injustice of ow-uh time! That Super Bowl winnah will nawt be legit! NO ONE WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ TEABAGGAHS!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, if he had a podcast he'd also snicker at all his own jokes, please god make this happen, Tommy from Quinzee, wes welker: kid of steel
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
(chokes dog)
Is that a new euphemism for masturbation? I’ll be choking the chicken while I wait for an answer.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
Love it – looks like someone’s feeling a little extra feisty after that Vikings “performance” yesterday.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
I’m surprised there wasn’t a reference to the 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that WELKAHHH got for making a snow angel yesterday.
And I’m still bitter I had to watch that abortion of a game instead of Titans-Steelers.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
By the way did anyone else watch Sparano’s press conference yesterday? Tony looked good in his sunglasses during the press conference.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Fahck the Colts, It’s the Vikings gettin intah the playoffs that is the hahbingah of unfahuness. You fahckin fahcks.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
I hope they don’t make it so they can rest up and take over the world next yee-ah. They will Fawking dominate teams like tha Rams, and the Lions in one fatahl swoop. They will be so unbeatahble evahry one will be beggin fo-ah mah-rcey! Matt Cahssel in 2009 baby! ;)
/locates Matt cassels residence on the internet and stalks him for the rest of the post season.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
I wish my team was grutty
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
let’s go Buffalo
let’s go Buffalo
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
Chad Pennington is our savior. He can end the Patriots AND Jets seasons, thereby ridding the world of all the Favre knob-slobbing and Patriots nation forever!!!
And by forever, I mean until September 2009.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Rob Parker is reporting that after the press conference Dan Orlovsky got into a fight with Chris Chelios.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah!
Unbelievahhhble fan loyahhhlty they-ah. If Cassel beats out Brady for the starting QB job next season, Tawmmy will be terribly conflicted.
(smacks garlfriend with cawk)
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
I don’t know why I read these thinks with John F. Kennedy’s voice in my head
/Ask nawt what you-ah country can do fuh yeww, ask what yew can dew fo-ahh you-ah country.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
I love the “Jagwahhhs” line…so awesome.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Is ‘jiggah’ a racial epithet?
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Drew’s seething contempt for Bill Simmons really shines through on this one. +1 to you, sir.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
Who the fack needs Tawmmy Brady? WE HAVE FACKIN MATT FACKIN CASSELL!!!!
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Perfection= Chargers v Colts in round one of playoffs while Patriots watch with an 11-5 record….please show interviews with Archie and visit Elii during halftime for commentary….this will enrage those fackin queuhhs from Bahston to unprecedented levels… especially if we do ahh pahhht and got ahhh Powda Blues on.
No games at the Razuh this winter.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:23 am
I wondered about the dog choking too.
Also, I would listen to a podcast of this. Somebody practice up on their Bawston accent and make it happen.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
WAWTCH ME CRADLE!
For some reason, that got me going more than anything else.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
The Pats going 11-5 and missing the playoffs and the 8-8 Chargers sneaking in would be the greatest thing EVAH.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
He didnt even mention ebating the shit out of the kids from the desert during a fucking blizzard. That is the definition of class.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 am
It must hurt you faggots to see the Greatriots carry on with a crippled team. Shows how pathetic the rest of the NFL really is.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
As a Colts fan, I’d like to extend a healthy “Fuck you” to both Denver and San Diego.
“Fuck you” to Denver because they couldn’t clinch the AFC West against the FRIGGIN BILLS. C’MON! IT’S THE FRIGGIN BILLS!
And a “Fuck you” to San Diego, who is only still in contention because the friggin Broncos can’t seem to clinch, when they would have been eliminated from EVERY OTHER DIVISION about TWO WEEKS AGO.
So, instead of traveling to Denver for what seems like our annual ass-kicking of the Broncos, we have to go to San Diego, who for whatever reason always gets up to play us, and we usually lose.
On the other hand, 18 tells me the weather there is sweet. So that’s something. Here’s hoping no one reminds LT that he’s, you know, LT.
Run, My Tiny Darren! Run, and be afraid!
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 am
@Frodo: NO ONE DENIES THIS
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 am
So will it be a good thing or a bad thing if Tim Tebow ends up a Paytreeuht? That would sure be a happy day in Quincy.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Oddly enough “Greatriots” was the backup name of the Detroit Lions.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
It must hurt you faggots to see the Greatriots carry on with a crippled team. Shows how pathetic the rest of the NFL really is.
Yeah, those were impressive performances against the all-star defenses of Seattle, Oakland and Arizona these past three weeks. Who’s next on your schedule? Valpairaiso?
Every time I think these Tawmmy posts are overdrawn, some Masshole comes along to prove me wrong.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Sir- I protest. Lacrosse is a sport reserved for prep-school assholes, usually named Chip, Skip, Tucker, Forest, or Hunter. These kids wore Troy Aikman and Jerry Rice jerseys until the Patriots won the first superbowl. Now they go to games with their parents corproate seats, but only when the weather is nice…. and when Tucker promises to bring enough blow.
I firmly believe the only highschool sport Tawwmy played was “throwing rawks at queeahs.”
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
You’re saying Tawmmy played handball?
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!
(urinates on nearby car)
Apparently, an innocent didn’t own that car!
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
/dying at Greatriots
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:55 pm
@ Frodo
Thank you for reminding me just how great I am, because I’m not you.
@ Drew
The cradling thing was fucking priceless.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Greatriots?
18 and Choke
No Parade
No Float
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“Greatriots”? Really? Damn… You almost don’t have to make fun of them, they do it for you, apparently.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:48 pm
(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)
WAWTCH ME CRADLE!
Incredible !!
That is fucking priceless !! Ill be laughing about this line forever !!
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@ Monkeybusiness
You know the Chargers haven’t actually won the division yet, right?
Calm down.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Once again, Massholes have made parody obsolete.
“Only the wicked awesome Greatriots could have put up those numbahs against the fackin’ buzzsaw that is the Caahdinals! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
(chokes dog)
Thought they only did that after AFC title games?
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
So unrealistic…No way Tawwmy could afford a lacrosse stick. Never mind cradle the ball in his constant inebriated state.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
The more I see that pick-chaw of Tawmmy, the more I’m convinced that he has tanlines from a strapless bra.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
@ Fa Cube
No the skin there is just discolored after he got tased at the dropkick murphy’s concert
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Yup, these are my readers.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm
@ Chazz Goodtimes –
I have to give you a little credit, as I am a Patriot fan (”Greatriot” = gayest thing I ever heard), and I was a Troy Aikman fan until I was 12 when I became a Patriots’ fan…not because they won anything, but because they drafted Drew Bledsoe and had Curtis Martin, people worth rooting for (who was I going to root for before that? Marion Butts?).****
**** The Patriots have absolutely dominated the NFL in comparison to any other franchise. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Keep whinin’ bitches…OUT.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
nobody from New England chews tobacco, idiot.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Still waiting for Tawmmy to declare himself a PROUD, DIEHAHD MEMBAH OF BRUINS NATION
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I hope I never get caught behind any of the Farty Ninahs in line at the grocery store.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 am
awesome