The Cowboys Must Learn To MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!
There are no words for the end to the Dallas Cowboys season. A damn TRAVELING, is what it is. They controlled their own density, and they SHIT THE HEAD! From them to go into the City Of Butterfly Loaf and lay a peg like that… If I were Jerry Jones… I WOULD BE LIVER! Heh heh!
If I am the Dallas Cowboys, I need to take a good look at what my team is infernally. Because while my team looks good on the cervix, inside there is nothing but MONKEY WENCHES! You look at Terrell Owens, and you wonder if he’s too much of a contraction. I mean, he is incredibly CORRUPTIVE! And on top of that, he commits lots of giraffes on the feel! You have to wonder if this might be a case of sedition by attraction if they decide to cut him loose. If I am the Cowboys, I say to TO, “Listen, you may be talented, but right now you are a FLY IN THE OINKMENT! You need to get your mouse in corridor, fella!”
Because the National Football League is about WINNING. I don’t care what no one says, WINNING IS PARAGUAY TO EVERYTHING! And you have to wonder if the Cowboys can win as currently resembled. They have a quarterback who’s too nongallant with the ball. I mean, Tony Romo can be awfully lasso fair back there! QUARTERBACKS HAVE TO BE MORE PRESTONE ICE THAN THAT!
Then you have Wade Phillips. And I have to wonder if Wade Phillips has the withdrawal, the melisma, to lead this team. Is he a leader, OR IS HE A WOOL IN SHIT’S CLOTHING? Hoo wee, that would stink! Heh heh! Now, when I was with the Cowboys, we had Jimmy Johnson. And lemme tell you, Jimmy didn’t stuffer falls lightly! That man was a CASKMASTER! He wasn’t afraid to call you to the MUPPET if you made a mistake!
Is Wade Phillips this kind of leader? I know he’s a defensive lulu, but does he have the skills to puppeteer this team to a title? I don’t know. It’s a perplaxico issue.
Of course, all this goes back to Jerry Jones. We all know he calls the spots there. He’s the Big Kahlua! I think Jerry is building this team the wrong way. He’s always going after big name free agents. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE CASTRATION OF A SOLID TEAM. He needs to get back to put what put the Cowboys on top back when I played: HE MUST REMEMBER TO ALWAYS MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!
When you masturbate the ball down the feel, that opens up your offense traumatically! You look at Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice: THIS IS ONE GOOD TRIUMPHPIRATE!
If I’m Jerry Jones, I say to my team, “Team, we really screwed the poop out there today. But I will not be DISPORRIDGED! I refuse to hide behind excretions. We are going to REDEFECATE ourselves! WE WILL BE MORE DEFECATED THAN ANY TEAM IN THE NFL! WE WILL NOT FALL APART AT THE SEMENS!”
That’s what I would say. Heh heh!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, emmitt smiff, malapropagations, verbals giraffes
December 30th, 2008 at 10:37 am
City of Butterfly Loaf?? A stretch, but I like it.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:41 am
It took 5 minutes to decipher “prestone ice”, but I agree.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:42 am
There’s no way in hell that Emmitt Smiff knows that Oracleatdelphia is known as the City of Butterfly Loaf.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:45 am
@Weed: Let’s pretend Jaws told him that.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Borderline unreadable, which of course means it was fantastic.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I think harder figuring some of these out than some of the work I get paid for! AWESOME. And you perfectly hit the tone of strong fried that I get in Emmit Smiff’s pronounce pants.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Who are all these big name free agents you speak of?
December 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
My brain unraveled about two paragraphs in. Well done, good sirs.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:55 am
this is one of the best KSK posts ever.. seriously, i pissed on my girlfriend reading it..
December 30th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I can’t decide if I prefer Smiff’s prison English or his tortured syntax that would make him indecipherable even if he was using the right words.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Terrell Owens: A Diamond of a Rash.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
In the NFL draft or through a transvestite with another team, the Cowboys need a running back to testiculate the ball in short yardage ovulations.
/Methinks Emitt Smiff needs to appropriate a copy of Booked on Phonics.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
“Mike Martz have this offense rollin’” – Emmitt Smiff
Yes, yes he does Emmitt.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Emmitt just needs to understand that the Philharmonic Eggos were the better team.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am
That so good I is leachless!
December 30th, 2008 at 11:28 am
this is undubiously one of the best Emmett Smiff posts ever
December 30th, 2008 at 11:40 am
These are always hilarious…but I have an easier time reading evellyone’s favolite smirre time leceivel than these Emmitt posts…Pacman ain’t down wid it. Pacman wan’ shine.
/enter MBIII – EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! SPEAK ENGLISH OR I WILL TEAR YOU A NEW FUCKHOLE! I AM PISSED!
December 30th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Because while my team looks good on the cervix, inside there is nothing but MONKEY WENCHES!
I had to stop reading after the second paragraph, because I began to experience trouble breathing.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:42 am
“Screwed the poop” and “wool in shit’s clothing” will soon enter my daily lexicon, to the befuddlement of all.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I give up! Someone explain Prestone Ice to my dumb ass.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
@Sage: In non-befuddled parlance, I think it’s “precise.”
December 30th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I for one look forward to the Cowboys’ yearly redefecations.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Monkey wenches should stick to serving tankers of ailment in middle evil caverns.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
This post makes me want to practice my Steve-Young-Mormon-Whatthefuck-IsEmmitt-Saying face.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Yeah, I couldn’t even come close to getting through this one. I only made it as far as “giraffes on the field”
December 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Mmmm…Kahlua.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
And he commits lots of giraffes on the feel!
I always knew T.O. fucked animals.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“TRIUMPHPIRATE!”
hee hee – he said “rump pirate” !!
/becoming less mature every time i enter this site
December 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
And what Muppets, pray tell, could we call this team now…
Terrell “Oscar the Grouch” Owens
Marion “Animal” Barber
Tony “Gonzo the Great” Romo
Jason “Rolf the Dog” Witten
Wade “Bunsen Honeydew” Phillips & Jason “Beaker” Garrett
Hell, you can even do off-screen personalities:
Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson (Statler and Waldorf)
Jessica “Janice” Simpson
Emmitt “The Swedish Chef” Smiff.
etc. etc. etc.
Tha
December 30th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Hmmmmm…..Jeff “Bert” Garcia or Brady “Bert” Quinn?
December 30th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
WINNING IS PARAGUAY TO EVERYTHING!! is also going into the daily lexicon. Really going to screw up the kids I coach.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Just remember to masturbate the ball down the field!!
December 30th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
The great thing about being stupid is that everyone else is smart.
December 30th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Believe Merch has come out with a 2008 Patriots playoffs shirt. I just wish Fr. George would come out with a 2008 Cowboys playoffs shirt.
December 30th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Sweet jesus that was some funny shit. I don’t know if i had a harder time deciphering smifspeak or containing the guffaws such a task elicits.
December 30th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
TRIUMPHPIRATE IS TRIUMPHANT!
December 30th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Needs more misconjugations.
December 30th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
I really think for our New year’s Resolutions we should all try to REDEFECATE ourselves. . . at least our colons would like us.