Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.
However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.
“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”
“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”
“My mistake.”
Giggity.
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@Slideshow
God knows I’m not free of homerism when it comes to the Giants, but Derrick Ward isn’t putting up 200+ yards without the line making holes big enough for Peter King’s ego to fit through.
My wife got pulled over by one at midnight on a back road about five year ago. Unmarked car, plainclothes detective. This was about a month after some dude was stopping cars in New Jersey with a fake police light and raping/robbing the women drivers. So she wouldn’t roll the window down until he provided some ID, and John W. Law started fucking screaming at her.
Again, I blame the uniform. As the saying goes, if you dress up like an obergruppenführer, you act like an obergruppenführer.
@Otto Man: The NJ State Troopers definitely look like the Nazi SS. Especially when they pull you over for having your high beams on while driving through a pitch black country road at 1:00am.
Sonic the Hedgehog >>> Madison the Hedgecock
@ Otto Man. I know what Jersey State Troopers look like as I’ve been on the receiving end of their douchiness several times. Yeah, I know, their unis look like the Wehrmacht, and the constant barrage of Valkyrie commercials has burned those images into my head.
In other words, my bad.
Maybe you don’t know what Nazis looked like. Here’s one for comparison.
Kansas calling Jersey racist?!?!?
I realize you had moleman-quality beer goggles on last night, devang, but that sentence is pretty much 100% wrong.
I don’t live in Kansas, I live in NYC. I never called Jersey racist, I said the NJ State Troopers’ outfits resemble those of the Nazis. Don’t believe me? Take a look.
Funny that 5 writers produce this blog, and only 1 gets constantly bitched about….keep hacking it up “ape”. Hey Drew, I’m glad you made your $$ while the making was good.
Now with video proof:
http://www.prideofdetroit.com/2008/12/21/699313/fire-rob-parker
Rob Parker from THE Detroit Free Press is one classy guy.
fuck the titans.
@Christmas Ape
I’m not opposed to the idea. You get Smurphette in on it, and I’m game.
Little Peyton Marvin Reggie Dallas Anthony Joseph Dominic Edgerrin Jeff Demond Dwight Robert Antoine Gary (Last Name Here) will have his own custom jersey and everything. And not like a real custom jersey. It’ll be a custom jersey with his name and number on it! I’m sure we’d even find some way to give it an enormous forehead.
But come on. Who was more measty this week than Peyton on Thursday? Sure, he didn’t jack anyone up, but that was a pretty measty performance for a quarterback. Short of ripping out Jack Del Rio’s beating heart (which I’m not saying I’m opposed to), he was pretty measty.
I’m happy for the G-Men. They’re my team, my horse to ride if the Broncos fuck things up next week.
Cutlerfuckers.
Has anyone thought to get Drew off the building ledge yet? Just remind him that the Bears will find a way to fuck this thing up. They always do. Fuckers.
Guess who benched DeAngelo because he thought Frenchy Thomas would be a better play against the Lions?
….and drunk…and having to live in the same fucking place with an ex who fucked 3 guys and possibly a chick while we had 2 kids…wouldn’t you be angry?
This is a football humor blog, right? Sorry.
Carry on.
wow…devang is angry
I’ll see how many panelists I can cobble together for next Sunday night.
Marmalard vs. Cutler-who-gives-a fuck.
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis. And I’m not sure which would be worse.
That’s rich coming from a fan of a team which resides in a city where the biggest argument is whose pig parts taste the best.
Kansas calling Jersey racist?!?!? Now I’ve heard it all.
So at that point would it just get pickled and placed on their mantle next to a faux autographed ball?
Monkey Business and Smurphette should mate to produce the most improbably obnoxious Colts homer ever. They wouldn’t let it age beyond the fetus, however, as that’s when it most resembles Peyton.
Anyone who thinks that can tell you what is going to happen in the playoffs after this weekend is a liar liar, their pants are on fire, and they can’t get off the telephone wire.
Eli for meast? He had 180 yards. He threw for less than ward ran.
MANNING BROS FOR MEAST.
I think they both put up pretty measty performances this week.
Walt Disney was a Nazi.
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis.
“You got a nice suit at home or do you like coming to work everyday dressed like you’re going to invade Poland?”
Eli’s beard is amazing. I can’t stop looking at it.
Also, New Jerseys State Troopers have stupid uniforms.
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis. And I’m not sure which would be worse.
R.W. McQuarters sounds like the proprietor of an old-timey-themed restaurant. “R.W. McQuarters’ Fantastic Foodinarium and Brau House.”
/hoping Plax gets convicted to open up cap space for Ward and Jacobs.
Yah im a Giant homer buy Ward for Meast
Also, New Jerseys State Troopers have stupid uniforms.
I’ll never get tired of the word “muff”.
Heh heh he said muff.
Ape: If I was consistently funny, I’d commit in a heartbeat. But I’m not, so I’ll get drunk and comment in mid-game as usual. Go Diabetes!
I’ll see how many panelists I can cobble together for next Sunday night.
Donovan McNabb: Okay, I get it now. So the game’s over, right?
SO who’s ready for the surprise on side kick?
Porky: that’s exactly why i asked
LACES OUT, DAN!
WOP!
Actually I want an in-helmet, in-character LiveBlog between Cutlerfucker and Laserface running for the whole game. This isn’t too much to ask, is it? Okay, maybe it is. But I’d enjoy myself.
MARMALARD: Hey fuckface! FUCKFACE! Over here! I’m about to send your Vandercock home for the holidays! Enjoy those sugar-free Christmas cookies IN YOUR ASS! FUCKFACE!
CUTLER: Whatever. You’re stupid.
my liver is not prepared for overtime
We are the kickers! We kick the ball! We play with ball!
question: does Marmalard vs. Cutlerfucker warrant a Liveblog next Sunday night?
CUTLERFUCKER commercial
After a game like this, you just know the inevitable NFC title game rematch will be a lopsided but low-scoring penalty-ridden snoozer.
hopefully eli will look for plax on the 2 point conversion
/Cue Ravens fans bitching about Walt Coleman
Nuggnuts: a new STD common among men
The went to Jared.
Nuggnuts: Only a shade classier than trucknuts.
Boasting about punters? The Pats’ punter (Chris Hanson) has the most pedophile suicides forced in the league!
@Nitro: No, you really can’t. You can boast about Punte, but that’s it.
Jeff Feagles > Every other Punter ever.
Yes, you can boast about punters.
John Candy & Eugene Levy beats John Madden & Al Michaels
by the way, is that a mustache Eli is sporting or the crumbs from some snack mom brought him at halftime?
Ward has a decent running average even if you lop off that first digit. Damn.
Eli cannot find his Plax. Timeout Giants.
If I win my fantasy because of DeAngelo and have the Giants somehow win this game late, I owe someone powerful some dick sucking. I hope God doesn’t explain this in the weekly post as well.
well Otto something told me John Fox and Jake would cook something up for a 4 pick night. Alas I’ll take a title loss for a Panthers home field
@bickem Who in the blue hell did you have that you could’ve benched Williams? I hope you find some sense in that wall
save me from the motherfucking jewelry adsssssssssssss
Seriously, Bickem? He’s been unbenchable for weeks.
i have deangelo williams and I’m still down by 38
/thanks to Matt Cassel, Kevin Jones, Tennessee’s Defense and FMRA’s scoring system
Theft is off the chain tonight…
so i guess Deangelo is now a first ballor Fantasy Hall of Famer
He went to Jarrett?!?!
/swoons
So who has DeAngelo Williams in their FF league and has him on the bench today?
/bashes head into wall
HOLY SHIT DEANGELO WILLIAMS
I didn’t know Dwayne Jarrett was still alive – Fuckin Vinny Testaverde and his pearls of wisdom.
DEANGELO MOTHERFUCKING WILLIAMS
Delhomme went to Jarrett!
…sorry
That challenge in the first half saved my fantasy life – I was down three points with DeAngelo left. Now I’m going to (hopefully) be up by approximately 30 points with my opponent only having Matt Forte. Whew.
Oh, and Hedgecock is definitely Water from the Planeteers. Maybe he’s not a 16 year old Asian, but you can definitely hear him sloshing down the field.
That O-line just got pierced.