The Battle of the Steve Smiffs Holds Great Consequence
Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.
However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.
“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”
“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”
“My mistake.”
Giggity.
Tags: Adventures of Eli, new york giants, open thread, panther pride
December 21st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I can’t wait to see a Marmalard post this week.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Agreed, Day Man. Laserface will be on FI-YAH.
Set your DVR’s by the way–porky1 is predicting LT’s Last Great Game will be the one that buries Denver next weekend.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Cutlerfucker! you and i hav unfinished buisness.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I guess that Hochuli thing way back when is moot now
December 21st, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I find it insulting to combine the Simpsons with an exclamatory outburst from the far inferior Family Guy. Homer Simpson> Peter Griffin
December 21st, 2008 at 7:57 pm
If Hochuli calls next week’s game, THAT’S Chaos Theory.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:00 pm
@Porky
Oh man, the mere thought of Hochuli calling that game blows my mind
December 21st, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Did anyone else just hear Dan Patrick bring up Visante Schianco’s “big Shank”?
December 21st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@barren: I personally loved the south park episode that mocked family guy and its retarded montages. That being said, it still gives the Simpsons a run for its’ money.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
DP promised he would do it after the interview he had with him after the “excitement” of shiancoe’s nekkid pix.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Is Steve Smiff of NYG bleeding blue??? On his temple? Or is he an alien?
December 21st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
oooo Jim Cantore!
December 21st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Jonathan Rhys Meyers ‘ middle name to be kicking off for Carolina.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:27 pm
If Jacobs is Earth, Ward is Wind and Bradshaw is Fire, which Planeteer is Hedgecock? Heart, like the useless Indian kid?
December 21st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
@Christmas Ape: Wasn’t there a kid with a monkey? I can see Madison with a monkey.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
jonathan rhys davies >>>> jonathan rhys meyers
December 21st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
@ christmas ape: i thought the useless heart kid was south american, which is why he had the monkey. and bitched about the rainforest so much.
December 21st, 2008 at 8:53 pm
You’re right. Ma-Ti is from South America. I always thought he was from India for some reason. Probably because I’m racist.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Dear Giants Defense,
Hand in your pro bowl selection and give it to London Fletcher, you fucking overrated shitheap.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm
If Jacobs is Earth, Ward is Wind and Bradshaw is Fire, which Planeteer is Hedgecock?
Please tell me you didn’t confuse one of the greatest R&B bands of all time with the fucking Captain Planet cartoon.
Either way, since EW&F did the soundtrack for Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song, I’d have to say Hedgecock is Mario Van Peebles.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Please tell me you didn’t confuse one of the greatest R&B bands of all time with the fucking Captain Planet cartoon.
No, I did not. But sometimes I think about the blonde Russian chick.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Those thoughts make Baby Jesus cry, Ape.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Actually, I change my vote. Hedgecock is clearly Ron Jeremy.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I think Hedgecock is the lesser known Planeteer “Fail”.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:22 pm
The Giants are going to give up 40+ tonight. This will make me sad all day tomorrow.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Why the fuck would you challenge that? You think the Panthers can’t get it in from a foot out with two tries?
December 21st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
The Giants are going to give up 40+ tonight. This will make me
sadnot as angry all day tomorrow./FIXED
December 21st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
To fuck Steve Smith fantasy owners like me. GGGGUUUUUHHHHH
December 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts
Cut it out with the jinxing, please.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I have DeAngelo in one championship game, Smith in another consolation. There is no emoticon for how I am feeling.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
OK, I’ve come up with a definition of the Vikings game, it was an episiotomy. I’m not sure I can root for the Packers tomorrow. So instead I will open my 11th Newcastle, get reaquainted with Mr Smokey, step outside for a smoke then take a double shot of bourbon.
Sounds about right.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Everyone was laughing because you are a GIANTS douchebag. WITH A MULLET!!!
December 21st, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Alright, the Giants’ license plate guy from the “That’s How I See It” ad is dumber than the spoof here.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:34 pm
@ Otto, Ape
I find the Earth, Wind & Fire nickname deeply offensive. When you tak about EW&F, you better be talking either the actual terrestrial elements or the funk bank. Besides, the only Serpentine Fire in the NFL belongs to Visanthe Shiancoe.
Side Note: Maurice White, EW&F’s lead singer, did the soundtrack to John Candy’s “Armed & Dangerous”.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Sorry, Smurphette.
No one actually loses to the Colts in the playoffs. That’s just an urban legend.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Side Note: Maurice White, EW&F’s lead singer, did the soundtrack to John Candy’s “Armed & Dangerous”.
Cocaine is a helluva drug.
“Well hop on up in here, Slim!”
December 21st, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I can’t even wrap my head around the hell it would be to have Tom Coughlin as my coach and my father-in-law.
May God have mercy on your soul, Chris Snee.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
As I opened my 12th Newcastle I had an epiphany! Say the Packers win tomorrow and the Vikings make the playoffs. Instead of “backing in” we can say they got in by virtue or an episiotomy. It’s birth but it’s still very messy and uncomfortable. It’s got possibilities.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Everyone was laughing because you are a GIANTS douchebag. WITH A MULLET!!!
Alright, the Giants’ license plate guy from the “That’s How I See It” ad is dumber than the spoof here.
Giants license plate guy is Joe Ruback from New Jersey. He’s a Giants fan; the mullet is expected.
Sweet, sweet alcohol. Making my team’s slow slide into mediocrity less painful.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:54 pm
wow that dance competition is not designed for the football crowd, huh?
December 21st, 2008 at 10:01 pm
fuck London Fletcher and his “I don’t dance after 10 yard tackles” bullshit
he danced every time today
December 21st, 2008 at 10:13 pm
gotta keep those balls in the sack
December 21st, 2008 at 10:17 pm
@ Otto Man
Speaking of “Armed & Dangerous”, I heard John Madden was John Candy’s stunt double and Al Michaels doubled for Eugene Levy.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Madison the Hedgecock
December 21st, 2008 at 10:22 pm
“I CANT FIND MY PLAX MOM!”
“Just take your Boss and let’s go, honey”
December 21st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Great, Gino. Now I’ve got an image of Madden and Michaels in these outfits.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I’m glad Madden is offering his position on the two point conversion decision as a coach, considering he never had to make that decision when he was a coach 30 years ago
December 21st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Hey, Antonio Pierce! Where you been hidin’?
December 21st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
That O-line just got pierced.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:33 pm
That challenge in the first half saved my fantasy life – I was down three points with DeAngelo left. Now I’m going to (hopefully) be up by approximately 30 points with my opponent only having Matt Forte. Whew.
Oh, and Hedgecock is definitely Water from the Planeteers. Maybe he’s not a 16 year old Asian, but you can definitely hear him sloshing down the field.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Delhomme went to Jarrett!
…sorry
December 21st, 2008 at 10:34 pm
DEANGELO MOTHERFUCKING WILLIAMS
December 21st, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I didn’t know Dwayne Jarrett was still alive – Fuckin Vinny Testaverde and his pearls of wisdom.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:35 pm
HOLY SHIT DEANGELO WILLIAMS
December 21st, 2008 at 10:36 pm
So who has DeAngelo Williams in their FF league and has him on the bench today?
/bashes head into wall
December 21st, 2008 at 10:36 pm
He went to Jarrett?!?!
/swoons
December 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
so i guess Deangelo is now a first ballor Fantasy Hall of Famer
December 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Theft is off the chain tonight…
December 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
i have deangelo williams and I’m still down by 38
/thanks to Matt Cassel, Kevin Jones, Tennessee’s Defense and FMRA’s scoring system
December 21st, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Seriously, Bickem? He’s been unbenchable for weeks.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
save me from the motherfucking jewelry adsssssssssssss
December 21st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
@bickem Who in the blue hell did you have that you could’ve benched Williams? I hope you find some sense in that wall
December 21st, 2008 at 10:40 pm
well Otto something told me John Fox and Jake would cook something up for a 4 pick night. Alas I’ll take a title loss for a Panthers home field
December 21st, 2008 at 10:42 pm
If I win my fantasy because of DeAngelo and have the Giants somehow win this game late, I owe someone powerful some dick sucking. I hope God doesn’t explain this in the weekly post as well.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Eli cannot find his Plax. Timeout Giants.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Ward has a decent running average even if you lop off that first digit. Damn.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
by the way, is that a mustache Eli is sporting or the crumbs from some snack mom brought him at halftime?
December 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm
John Candy & Eugene Levy beats John Madden & Al Michaels
December 21st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Jeff Feagles > Every other Punter ever.
Yes, you can boast about punters.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:49 pm
@Nitro: No, you really can’t. You can boast about Punte, but that’s it.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Boasting about punters? The Pats’ punter (Chris Hanson) has the most pedophile suicides forced in the league!
December 21st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Nuggnuts: Only a shade classier than trucknuts.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
The went to Jared.
December 21st, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Nuggnuts: a new STD common among men
December 21st, 2008 at 10:59 pm
/Cue Ravens fans bitching about Walt Coleman
December 21st, 2008 at 10:59 pm
hopefully eli will look for plax on the 2 point conversion
December 21st, 2008 at 11:01 pm
After a game like this, you just know the inevitable NFC title game rematch will be a lopsided but low-scoring penalty-ridden snoozer.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
CUTLERFUCKER commercial
December 21st, 2008 at 11:07 pm
question: does Marmalard vs. Cutlerfucker warrant a Liveblog next Sunday night?
December 21st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
We are the kickers! We kick the ball! We play with ball!
December 21st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
my liver is not prepared for overtime
December 21st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Actually I want an in-helmet, in-character LiveBlog between Cutlerfucker and Laserface running for the whole game. This isn’t too much to ask, is it? Okay, maybe it is. But I’d enjoy myself.
MARMALARD: Hey fuckface! FUCKFACE! Over here! I’m about to send your Vandercock home for the holidays! Enjoy those sugar-free Christmas cookies IN YOUR ASS! FUCKFACE!
CUTLER: Whatever. You’re stupid.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
WOP!
December 21st, 2008 at 11:15 pm
LACES OUT, DAN!
December 21st, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Porky: that’s exactly why i asked
December 21st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
SO who’s ready for the surprise on side kick?
December 21st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Donovan McNabb: Okay, I get it now. So the game’s over, right?
December 21st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I’ll see how many panelists I can cobble together for next Sunday night.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Ape: If I was consistently funny, I’d commit in a heartbeat. But I’m not, so I’ll get drunk and comment in mid-game as usual. Go Diabetes!
December 21st, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Heh heh he said muff.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I’ll never get tired of the word “muff”.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Also, New Jerseys State Troopers have stupid uniforms.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Yah im a Giant homer buy Ward for Meast
December 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
/hoping Plax gets convicted to open up cap space for Ward and Jacobs.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
R.W. McQuarters sounds like the proprietor of an old-timey-themed restaurant. “R.W. McQuarters’ Fantastic Foodinarium and Brau House.”
December 21st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Also, New Jerseys State Troopers have stupid uniforms.
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis. And I’m not sure which would be worse.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Eli’s beard is amazing. I can’t stop looking at it.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis.
“You got a nice suit at home or do you like coming to work everyday dressed like you’re going to invade Poland?”
December 21st, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Walt Disney was a Nazi.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:52 pm
MANNING BROS FOR MEAST.
I think they both put up pretty measty performances this week.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Eli for meast? He had 180 yards. He threw for less than ward ran.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Anyone who thinks that can tell you what is going to happen in the playoffs after this weekend is a liar liar, their pants are on fire, and they can’t get off the telephone wire.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 am
Monkey Business and Smurphette should mate to produce the most improbably obnoxious Colts homer ever. They wouldn’t let it age beyond the fetus, however, as that’s when it most resembles Peyton.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 am
So at that point would it just get pickled and placed on their mantle next to a faux autographed ball?
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 am
I can never decide if they remind me more of Starship Troopers or Nazis. And I’m not sure which would be worse.
That’s rich coming from a fan of a team which resides in a city where the biggest argument is whose pig parts taste the best.
Kansas calling Jersey racist?!?!? Now I’ve heard it all.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 am
I’ll see how many panelists I can cobble together for next Sunday night.
Marmalard vs. Cutler-who-gives-a fuck.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:34 am
wow…devang is angry
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 am
….and drunk…and having to live in the same fucking place with an ex who fucked 3 guys and possibly a chick while we had 2 kids…wouldn’t you be angry?
This is a football humor blog, right? Sorry.
Carry on.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 am
Guess who benched DeAngelo because he thought Frenchy Thomas would be a better play against the Lions?
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:36 am
Has anyone thought to get Drew off the building ledge yet? Just remind him that the Bears will find a way to fuck this thing up. They always do. Fuckers.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:47 am
I’m happy for the G-Men. They’re my team, my horse to ride if the Broncos fuck things up next week.
Cutlerfuckers.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:53 am
@Christmas Ape
I’m not opposed to the idea. You get Smurphette in on it, and I’m game.
Little Peyton Marvin Reggie Dallas Anthony Joseph Dominic Edgerrin Jeff Demond Dwight Robert Antoine Gary (Last Name Here) will have his own custom jersey and everything. And not like a real custom jersey. It’ll be a custom jersey with his name and number on it! I’m sure we’d even find some way to give it an enormous forehead.
But come on. Who was more measty this week than Peyton on Thursday? Sure, he didn’t jack anyone up, but that was a pretty measty performance for a quarterback. Short of ripping out Jack Del Rio’s beating heart (which I’m not saying I’m opposed to), he was pretty measty.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:24 am
fuck the titans.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:53 am
Rob Parker from THE Detroit Free Press is one classy guy.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
Now with video proof:
http://www.prideofdetroit.com/2008/12/21/699313/fire-rob-parker
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:24 am
Funny that 5 writers produce this blog, and only 1 gets constantly bitched about….keep hacking it up “ape”. Hey Drew, I’m glad you made your $$ while the making was good.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 am
Kansas calling Jersey racist?!?!?
I realize you had moleman-quality beer goggles on last night, devang, but that sentence is pretty much 100% wrong.
I don’t live in Kansas, I live in NYC. I never called Jersey racist, I said the NJ State Troopers’ outfits resemble those of the Nazis. Don’t believe me? Take a look.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:43 am
Maybe you don’t know what Nazis looked like. Here’s one for comparison.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
@ Otto Man. I know what Jersey State Troopers look like as I’ve been on the receiving end of their douchiness several times. Yeah, I know, their unis look like the Wehrmacht, and the constant barrage of Valkyrie commercials has burned those images into my head.
In other words, my bad.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Sonic the Hedgehog >>> Madison the Hedgecock
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 am
@Otto Man: The NJ State Troopers definitely look like the Nazi SS. Especially when they pull you over for having your high beams on while driving through a pitch black country road at 1:00am.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
My wife got pulled over by one at midnight on a back road about five year ago. Unmarked car, plainclothes detective. This was about a month after some dude was stopping cars in New Jersey with a fake police light and raping/robbing the women drivers. So she wouldn’t roll the window down until he provided some ID, and John W. Law started fucking screaming at her.
Again, I blame the uniform. As the saying goes, if you dress up like an obergruppenführer, you act like an obergruppenführer.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@Slideshow
God knows I’m not free of homerism when it comes to the Giants, but Derrick Ward isn’t putting up 200+ yards without the line making holes big enough for Peter King’s ego to fit through.