Historically, men have loved tits. Why were women so much bigger in the Renaissance? Because bigger girls had bigger tits. Well, that and feudalism. As just as Europe’s economy changed over time, so has ours. And as retailers look for lessened Christmas spending for the umpteenth year, the size of preferable breasts has been rolled back as well. Anything more than a handful goes to waste, we believe, but usually our hands are just happy to be squeezing something other than our own dicks.

But how great are breasts? Have they always been appreciated historically? People obviously fucked during the biblical times, right? Otherwise, we would have run out of people. But how did they feel about gozongas? Is there some sort of easily-accessible book that could give us some clarity to this? Maybe there’s one in the bureau drawer in your hotel room… 

According to biblegateway.com, the word breast appears in the Holy Bible 70 times. Conversely, the keyword search engine for the good book turned up zero hits for titties, funbag, jugs, and brrrrritzky! We don’t have to wonder what those assholes did to get off back in the day. It’s documented for us! Sort of…

“Consecrate those parts of the ordination ram [Ed's Note: Back then, "ram" was slang for a chick that was totally bangin'] that belong to Aaron and his sons: the breast that was waved and the thigh that was presented.  –Exodus 29:27

So basically, women were property of the men, and then the woman walked into the room, took off all her clothes, and then jumped up and down on a trampoline. You know, one of those old, Hebrew trampolines.

With his own hands he is to bring the offering made to the LORD by fire; he is to bring the fat, together with the breast, and wave the breast before the LORD as a wave offering. –Lev. 7:30 

So wave the tit and then set it on fire. That’s, uh, hot. And just a little bit insane. 

Why were there knees to receive me and breasts that I might be nursed?

–Job 3:12

Can I call you mommy while you squirt titmilk in my mouth? Well, I guess some of guys like to be dominated. A-Rod would have fit perfectly into the Old Testament. 

A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

–Proverbs 5:19

Aw, man! Now we have to bring LOVE into it? Forget that shit, man. I’m all about the fuckin’!

My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. –Song of Solomon 1:13

Yeah, baby! Tittyfucking! Sing that shit to me!

Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.  –SoS 4:5

….alright, sure! Whatever’s getting your dick wet.

Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vines –Isaiah 32:12

And gently tweak the nipples, working toward a crescendo, to the point that you nearly rip ‘em off. 

They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land theirbreasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. –Ezekiel 23:3

And with the whores, I think we’ve come full circle. Time for the photo portion, which may or may not include the aforementioned. 


Image credit: here and here.