In the hierarchy of things I dislike about the holidays, gift shopping ranks just below jewelry ads every commercial break and spending time with the family. That’s because I’m the worst gift giver ever. I only know about my narrow range of interests, and if the person I’m shopping for doesn’t share those, I’m shit out of ideas.

The first time I bought anyone any gift, I was 8 years old and bought stuff for six people at the grocery store on a budget of $20. I don’t remember what I got the other five folks, but for some reason I bought my female cousin a copy of Black Beat magazine, because it looked vaguely like all the teeny bopper mags on the rack. So, yeah, my family thought it was hilarious and still laughs at me about it to this day. EXCUSE ME FOR SEEING PAST SKIN COLOR, YOU RACIST ASSHOLES! Maybe that’s responsible for instilling an early antipathy for buying gifts, I don’t know. Why can’t I just hand cash out to people on my list? That’s about as thoughtful as any random DVD I’m going to buy you.

Anyway, this week’s Meast is DeMarcus Ware, who had three sacks and two forced fumbles in the Cowboys win over the Giants.

You could make a convincing argument for Andre Johnson as well, but Ware gets bonus points for quietly being a badass while every other fucktaster in the Cowboys organization courts controversy from the media. Even people who aren’t on the Cowboys are trying to gin up controversy about Dallas. It’s all part of the great media crescendo building to their early-round playoff exit.