Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week: Week 13
Few things bring me more joy in life than eavesdropping on people on the Metro. Especially if those people are crazy drunks conversing with Canadian tourists about the looming threat of other ethnic groups taking over.
And so was the scene this morning when a 40ish black guy, wearing a ball cap and sunglasses, had this slurred exchange in the row in front of me with a bunch of white Canucks (redundant?) in town to see the District.
Man: [Leaning across the aisle] Excuse me, ma’am, is that your child?
Mother: [Surprised] Huh? Y-Yeah.
Man: Can I offer you a word of advice?
Mother: W-what? Sure.
Man: You need to make sure he learns another language when he grows up. There are three times as many Spanish-speaking people in this city than blacks. They takin’ over.
Mother: Okay.
Man: Yeah. So, you need to make sure he knows Spanish, because he’s gonna have to deal with Spanish-speaking people.
Mother: Mmhmm.
Man: You don’t have to do this today, but soon, soon, go to a book store and go to the instruction section and you got to ask them “WHERE THE SPANISH-SPEAKING TAPES AT?”
Mother: I’ll do that.
Man: Good. That’s good. If he can learn Spanish, he’s in good shape. I never got the Spanish, so I can’t deal with them. Once they take over, he’s gonna have to. [Now sounding like he's talking through his teeth] And, and, once he gets the Spanish, you know what you got to do next?
Mother: What?
Man: Learn him some Chinese. They got 1.5 billion, million people over in China. IN ONE LAND! We as Americans gonna have to deal with them sooner or later. I know you saw the Olympics. They comin’ up in the world. Women over there, they’re only allowed to have one baby. That’s crazy, if you ask me.
This went on for another 10 minutes during which I nearly pissed myself about five times. The drunk guy took five minutes just to get the freaked out Canadian husband to admit where he was from. (The guy would only saw “Not here” until his defenses were clearly worn down by the drunk’s persistence — a tactic I’ve used on many an occasion).
Anyway, your Meast this week is Plaxico Burress’ 40-caliber Glock.
Some might say it’s inappropriate to give an award named in honor of Sean Taylor to a gun on the anniversary of Taylor’s death. We do so not to make light of Taylor’s murder, but to highlight the fact that it was not the implement used in the killing that it is to blame, but the intentions of its user. Guns are not the enemy. Sure, they can be used to kill innocent people, but they can also serve the purposes of good, like when they go off randomly into Plaxico Burress’ leg.
Tags: plaxico is dumb, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week, xmas ape
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Chad Johnson?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
That’s who I thought of as I read that: is Ocho cinco riding on trains and offering free advice to white Canucks (MOSTLY redundant)?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Hopefully when they do take over – all the hot sluts from Sabado Gigante will move into my area.
Oh and bring chorizo. You can never have too much Chorizo.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Plex doesn’t need a carry permit to catch occasional passes, why does he need one for a gun?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
That poor little white family will never be the same. Junior is learning Mandarin and Daddy bought a glock.
Thank god for the wisdom of Ocho Cinco.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I held out a slim hope that 2 sacks and the game winning fumble return would get Robert Mathis the award, but then I remembered all the writers hate the Colts and the site is about being funny not right.
For the record though, Bull-rushing straight through a guy with more than 100lbs on you for a sack that knocks the QB out of the game= measty as fuck.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Plax gon drink?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Ryno, if you want chorizo move to Fall River, MA
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
1.) Racist undertones – Check
2.) Intoxicated – Check
Are you sure that wasn’t Kerry from Nashville?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Pacman just sent a gift basket to Plax.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
it was not the implement used in the killing that it is to blame, but the intentions of its user. Guns are not the enemy.
PoFlaWa in 3, 2, 1….
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
This one’s for you, Jackin’ 4 Beats
“I know how to handle my plastic, gun play I’ve mastered”
- Wu Tang Clan, “Uzi (Pinky Ring)”
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Good to see Juror #10 is still trying to educate people.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
If only he shot off a testicle…
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
My favorite Metro moment was returning from a Nationals game earlier this year that coincided with the end of the first playoff game between the Caps and Flyers, which the Caps had won. This belligerent shitfaced Caps fan was standing at the other end of the car rubbing it in at the top of his lungs to a guy wearing a Flyers jersey. This one girl nearby who is apparently amused by the spectacle eventually points out that the drunk guy’s fly is down and squeals “I CAN SEE YOUR PENIS!” to the whole car.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
@Stu – Did you zip up?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Oh I have never had that much fun in DC. My rides on the metro were nowhere as amusing. Scared a bit with a friend in NYC subway in September when Drunk dude was looking to panhandle and my friend (from Buffalo, never met a stranger) had to be warned “no eye contact!”
No penis’. My friend would have literally shit or wigged out completely. Darn. That would be funny!
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
@FNI: Long story short, my dick has zipper marks
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Ape, were you going to KSK headquaters?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
A true Meast of a gun would have found a way to seriously wound that numb fuck Plaxico.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
@ Stu: When you say long story “short” are you implying anything there? So is what they say about a brotha man not true and us white folk may actually in fact have penises of a decent stature?
/[fly flies shut]
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
@Deep Friar: You definitely can’t go wrong when you bring out the Wu…too bad Plex is still a gun play white belt. I think he better get used to listening to this the next few months.
Livin the high life, make your moves at night, pack your heat in this warzone
Ni&&as is trife, runnin’ from one time, ain’t no time to slip, make one
false move And it’s a up north trip
– Mobb Deep, “Up North Trip”
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
“…but they can also serve the purposes of good, like when they go off randomly into Plaxico Burress’ leg.”
That started my work day off perfectly. Super thanks.
My worst underground transportation moment was on the Subway in NYC coming back from a Yankees game. An old white dude with Tourette’s started slinging racial slurs at some black and Latino teenagers. Good times for two lost girls from the South.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
My favorite metro moment was when the drunk guy asked everyone in the car if they felt like getting robbed that day. Then he proceeded to explain that deaf people were the most dangerous: “I mean, you can’t understand that shit yo. They could be like, signing terrorists and shit.”
I love public transit.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I was robbed of this award…at gunpoint.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
No Purple Jesus vote?
Sad.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
@dandy: I couldn’t tell you, I’m as white as Jack Kogod’s ass
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@Stu – Is Jack Kodod’s ass part of the story you’re refusing to tell? Are we gonna hear about it in this weeks mailbag?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
When I lived in SF I used to take the #1 California bus that went right through Chinatown. There would be live chickens and ducks on that bus and swear to Jeebus I even saw a monkey. Add to the fact that it seems to be impossible to whisper in any Chinese dialect and you got one screetchy ride to the dark side.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Shit, any of you been to Toronto? All Chinese, so I guess it is still redundant.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Step one: point away from self
Step two: release magazine
Step three: pull back slide, ejecting round
Step four: replace magazine
That’s all Plax had to do. Honestly, who keeps one in the chamber?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Next stop, Galleryplace-Chinatown……please move to the center of the car…..doors closing…..
ahh the glory of the dc metro system
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
@j4b: Livin the high life, make your moves at night, pack your heat in this warzone
Ni&&as is trife, runnin’ from one time, ain’t no time to slip, make one
false move And it’s a up north trip
WTF is that? I want to read about Meast.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I held out a slim hope that 2 sacks and the game winning fumble return would get Robert Mathis the award, but then I remembered all the writers hate the Colts and the site is about being funny not right.
Even if we were serious, no involved in the abortion that was the Browns/Colts game should even be given the slightest consideration for Meast.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Favorite Metro moment: on the NYC subway, 1 train headed uptown. There used to be this older guy who used to sing for money. He’d break out the standard Motown medley, then all of a sudden would break out with a few spanish language songs like Guantanamera complete with perfect salsa/merengue steps. Homeless guy with tattered clothes and
His entire act would last from 42nd street to 72nd street and he always would have the latino kids cracking up when he got to the spanish part of the act. The first time I saw dude, I was like “not again” until I saw the dance moves. Had to hit dude with a couple dollars for that.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
time out Ape, what do you mean by “even if we were serious”?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@Rocco: lyrics from a classic hip-hop album describing how Plaxico slipped up/made a false move with his heat (gun) and now he’s heading up North (to the pokey)
Words in parens are for the non hip-hop oriented readers of this site.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
when i visited NYC a couple summers ago and rode the subway there (conspicuously in a pink tanktop and white skirt while everyone else donned black/gray/navy blue/ in typical “new york sucks so we express our depression for living here through our clothing”), some homeless guy started hitting on me. when i ignored him, he blew his nose onto his hands so that his fingers were covered in yellow green goo, then asked me if it reminded me of anything. i almost said “syphyllitic ejaculate”, but decided against it. some random lady muttered something about tourists. homeless guy defended my honor. it was great.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
fyi, i love new york and would love to live there for a year or so–experience what it’s like to live in a real city, not a pretend city like jacksonville (as much as i love jville) or a wannabe small town like gainesville.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Anybody notice Jet Li sitting in the 2nd row on the right. It’s almost as if another picture was taken like 17 seconds later everyone on the metro would be laying on the floor motionless and you would see him walking calmly towards the exit.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@ moirra: I be up in j’ville too. It’s great to be a jags fan these days.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Sorry dAndy and moirra. Tough night last night. No measts there.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
We haven’t even had a meast eligible player all fuckin year!
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
That has to be the Red Line. I ride that train every day. It’s got the highest frequency of old drunk pontificating black men of any public transportation system this sid eo fChicago.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
The supposed “fans” in this city suck major ass as well. I have never seen such fairweather cocktasters before. One thing though, the local sports radio is some entertaining shit these days.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
dandy: i hear you there. i can’t stand jags fans. other fans’ team stick with their team no matter what, but we can’t even sell out a fucking stadium. we’re worse than pats “fans…”
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
whoa whoa whoa, no way we’re as bad as those fackers!!!
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
The best part of the whole Plaxico situation was when he was laying on the ground and asked Antonio Pierce “Did we…did we get that sumbitch?”
/Plax=Oakland Raiders, 2009
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
So… does that still count as another Giants meast?
/looking for some sort of consolation
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I think that drunk guy must be from Chicago, because I swear I’ve met the same guy on the “L” a few years back, but I did not have the good fortunate of being a disinterested third party. Generally speaking though, I try to engage in conversation amongst friends that could be easily misinterpreted and will be good ear-dropping fodder.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“until his defenses were clearly worn down by the drunk’s persistence — a tactic I’ve used on many a woman”
/fixed
@poop: If you rode the red line every day, you would know that it doesn’t go over the river like the train in the picture.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
@smurphette: must be one of those lines leaving Georgetown on its way to Arlington. I would guess the Yellow line based on the angle of the foliage in the background.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I drunkenly puked in a BART train once and cleared the whole thing out. It wasn’t all watered down either, it was that industrial strength puke, the thick chunky kind.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
That’s kind of where I was going with that joke in the first place, smurphette. But thanks for spelling it out.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I’m impressed that you commented in response instead of just changing mine like you usually do.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:26 am
“The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike.”
One of my favourite Simpson’s quotes. Can’t take the #8 past the Carnegie Centre without being reminded of it.
/anyone who gets that reference is eligible for a free clean needle
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Le Metro story: In Paris earlier this year and sitting across from this drunk stinking half passedout French urban outdoorsman when all of a sudden he mumbles something to himself and lays his head back against the window and makes his index finger completely disappear into his skull and fishes around for a nice crusty one that he then inspects with his now half opened blood shot eyes before depositing in his horrendously pegged maw…and chews on, complete with lip smacking, for a while before swallowing. The four of us that had the pleasure of witnessing this just about lost our déjeuner. But what do I know, it is France…that could be a delicacy!
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
It’s too bad the French are too gay to play football. They would make excellent targets here on KSK.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Back in the day Berlin (German kids) had a metro that ran all over the damned place to include EAST Berlin. As a member of the “Berlin Brigade” and holding a security clearance, we were not allowed to ride through or to EB.
What SUCKED was that the metros would close about 0100 and re-open about 0600. So if you missed the last subway it was either a taxi or, party til the prostitutes got done for the night.
Oh speaking of handguns:
More guns, Less Crime and Why Everything You Know About Gun Control is Wrong, both by John Lott.