Ryan Clark Gets A Most Unwelcome Visitor
Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and playing dirty. I’m just gonna keep on playing the way I play.
(doorbell rings)
Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering takeout or anything like that.
(unlatches door)
Who’s there?
(door flies open)
Tommy: WHO THAH FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH, CLAHHHHK? HOW DAY-UH YOU FACKIN’ TRY AND TAKE OUT ONE OF THE LEAGUE’S MAHHHHHHQUEE PLAYAHS, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKPOUCH! I’LL FACKIN’ KILL YOU!
Ryan: Who are you?
Tommy: Your warst fackin’ nightmay-uhhh! You think you can just take a cheap shawt at Welkahhh and nawt get the fackin’ wrath of the legendary Beantown faithful raining down on yar fat fackin’ head? YOU GAWT QUESTIONS TO ANSWER, YOU FACKIN’ DAHHKIE!!!
Ryan: What’s a dockey?
Tommy: IT’S YOU, YOU FACK! Did you really think you could get away with this? Typical dahhkie. ALWAYS SLAWPPY WITH THEY-UH HANDIWARK! Once again, thah NFL has screwed us ovah by nawt suspending you farevah! Nawt only have you robbed us of a true Bawston hero, but you have rawbbed the entiah NFL as well. No one wawnts to wawtch games that don’t feetcha Tawm Brady or-ah Wes Welkahhh! THOSE AH THE NFL’S TWO BRIGHTEST SHINING STAHHHHHS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Ryan: Hey, I play clean.
Tommy: No, you don’t! Yar dirty! AS DIRTY AS YAR DAHHHHK SKIN! You bettah wawatch out when you come to Quinzee, you fack!
Ryan: Why would I go to Quincy?
Tommy: BECAUSE QUINZEE RAWKS! I have vented my outrage at this harrible tragedy online with my Beantown bruthahs! Look!
This is exactly what I said would happen!!!! The lying pig Peirira says the same thing when the DB dove at Brady’s knee,if this was a Colt being injured or one of the Mannings holy hell would have broken out!!!! Two sets of standards…The next time the NFL fines or suspends a Patriot know this its a conspiracy!!!!
Please Borgess, taking the contrarian view just for sake of it. The NFL has its darlings and they stopped calling for the Patriots after they won their third Super Bowl. The NFL is like wresling now, they make call to influence the outcome of the games. They love the Manning brothers so much that they basically handed Peyton a Super Bowl. It is obvious that the NFL has their favorrites and they don’teven try to hide it anymore.
Ron boring is a idiot. That hit was obviously late. If the situation was reversed and it was a Patriot player doing the hitting he would get suspended.As for Pereira and the NOT Fair League,they have this one wrong. Stop favoring the Steelers, Colts and Giants and do something about this travesty. Stand up and do the right thing and stop being gutless.I can’t believe that this is allowed. If this is okay, how soon before carrying guns will be allowed? Gutless Fools!As for Borges,ever hear of hair replacement?Maybe you could stop being an idiot and demand the NFL do the right thing?
What a big frigging surprise that the NFL defended that hit…Did we think it would actually go AGAINST an opponent..? What a joke the NFL has become. And you, Borges are an even bigger joke. What was your point in bringing up Clark’s past surgery…? Were you trying to evoke sympathy for the guy..??? Give me a break. That hit on Welker was DIRTY…That kid is lucky that he was able to even move or return to a standing position after that. Thank God that he did. Talk about a kid made of steel ~ that’s our Wes Welker. Light was ejected from a game and fined ~ that punk Clark walks away with no punishment at all. Right ~ uh, huh. That’s fair. Next time the Pats play Pittsburgh, they should make some time for retribution on the field on Welker’s behalf. GO PATS…!
Tommy: You heeyah that? Thah NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE! It’s true! If the league didn’t have it in far us, WE WOULD HAVE WON AT LEAST FARTY THREE SUPER BOWLS! THOSE NEW YARK FAGGOTS WOULDN’T HAVE WON JACK SHIT!
Ryan: I’d like you to leave.
Tommy: FACK YOU! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BOY BUG-O!
THIS IS HOW A HAHHHHHT BREAKS!
Ryan: Again, please leave before I call the police.
Tommy: This isn’t ovah, dahhhkie! Everyone knows yar win was TAINTED! BY THE NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE! And if you don’t think thah great fans of Bawston won’t make you pay, then you don’t know just how strawng ow-uh rooting powuh is! WE WIN THIS TOWN TITLES, YOU FACK! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
You should be suspended! And lynched! My buddy Buttah in Bangah knows how to do it! DON’T THINK WE WON’T COME GET YOU!
Ryan: (closes door) Good bye.
Tommy: This isn’t ovah!!!!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ryan clark, surprise guests, Tommy from Quinzee, wes welker: kid of steel
December 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
you can see that fat bastards stretch marks…
December 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
way to keep it fair and balanced; KSK: We will mock you all
December 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
FAHHHKIN TAWWMMY!!!!!!!!!!!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Did Drew photo shop tiny nipples on the fat pat fan………..?
December 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Hey, Tommy, where’s Sully you fat fuck?
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/11/23/wheres_sully/
December 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
So wait, Marmalard has moved to Boston and piled on the pounds???
/too much for my tiny brain
December 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I find this post to be of most excellent proportions.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
If this is okay, how soon before carrying guns will be allowed?
Holy. Shit.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
It’s funny because it’s true.
I also currently reside about 10 minutes from Bangor (pronounced Bang-uh) and while I can’t verify a buttah, the chances of his multiple existence are no less than 98%.
Sigh.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Brilliant!!!
I’m surprised BDD didn’t troll the comments with Tommy From Quinzee.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
How dare this man compare such a shitty sport like football to the always real, always uncensored sport of wrestling!!
/slams face through Ford Taurus windshield.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
So that’s what Ryan Clark looks like without a helmet, spleen, and gall-bladder…
December 4th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
OK, so this is completely unrelated, but my opponent this week in the fantasy playoffs (NUMNUTZ) and I have exchanged some smack talk over the course of the season. So, last night in the smack post area I typed, “HEY NUMNTZ!!! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!” Dude, replied back clueless asking what that meant. I told him, “Hey numnutz is just a general form of a greeting or salutation. Similar to hello.” +1 for dAndy. I love this shit!
/shows self out
December 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I envy Pats fans. That level of self-importance and paranoia must make everyday a non-stop thrill ride of spies, conspiracies and dementia.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
“Tommy: This isn’t ovah!!!!!!!”
And for that we are all very thankful
December 4th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
AW’LL CAHLTON FISK YOU WITH A LOU-EES-VILLE FACKIN’ SLUGGAH! WHUDDYA THINK AH THAT, ASS-FACK?
Hey, this is fun!
December 4th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Living in Boston allows for a ton of daily amusement, particularly in the way of comments from the Herald and Globe sites.
I promise the Pats fans who are belligerent and ridiculous are just the loud minority and we hate them too. Real ones are still glad we’re not watching Tony Eason sling around passes and Leonard Russell run off right tackle.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
IT’S YOU, YOU FACK!
i’m pretty sure i’ve used this in a conversation before.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
You know a kid that’s not made of steel? Tawm Brady.
And they wish players were allowed to carry guns. Might have come in handy on the Giants’ last drive last year.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Tommy no doubt has a buddy named Jimmy from Wahwick, RI
December 4th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
THIS IS HOW A HAHHHHHT BREAKS!
That pretty much killed me.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
+1 ognihs
December 4th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
A black guy named Ryan Clark? Shit like that must confuse the fuck out of those Pat’s fans.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
As much as I dislike the Pats, that hit was ridiculous.
And this post gave me a headache, translating the Bostonian. Phew.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Wes Welkah is made of (white) steel – his is owah hero!
December 4th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Nice nipples.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Notice that none of these moron Pats fans ever say WHAT, EXACTLY, was dirty about the hit?
Also, the guy equating Matt Light PUNCHING A DUDE IN THE FACE after a play with Clark’s hit is hilarious.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
The cleaning lady down the hall wants to know what cawkpouch means.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
“As much as I dislike the Pats, that hit was ridiculous.”
i agree. it wasn’t hard enough, and Moss wasn’t taken out as collateral damage. slacker Clark
December 4th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
That guy in the bottom left of the middle pic looks like a fatter Curt Schilling…..oh wait
December 4th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
It’s a miracle there wasn’t actually a “NO ONE DENIES THIS” in the message board posting.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Ah, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy…he brings sunshine to my day…that and Kodiak stains on the carpet.
And if that had been Brandon Meriweather nailing Hines Ward, you can bet they’d be cheering for the BAHDEST HIT EVAH!
Btw, I’ve taken to ending all arguments with NO ONE DENIES THIS! I find it adds the right amount of cawkpouch to any discussion, regardless of opponent — co-worker, spouse, priest.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
As good a writer as Drew is (and he’s on par with Shakespeare and Jackie Collins), his skills are no match for the Herald commenters. Fucking gold.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
If this is okay, how soon before carrying guns will be allowed?
I like where this is going. Who wouldn’t love to see The Last Boy Scout live?
December 4th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Cawkpouch. Nice.
I do love me so Tawmmy I do. Thanks Drew!
December 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
it’s not “NO ONE DENIES THIS” but some Masshole started a TD on fannation.com saying the Pats would make the playoffs, speaking of them missing “THERE IS NO WAY THIS WILL HAPPEN!”
http://www.fannation.com/throwdowns/show/258699-the-patriots-will-make-the-playoffs?category_id=1
December 4th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Hilarious!!! Masterful!
The best part is the claim that the NFL is rigging the season for THREE DIFFERENT TEAMS. Why not just suggest that the NFL is cheating on behalf of EVERY team that beats the Patriots. OH IT’S JUST BECAUSE GODELL LOVES THE DOLPHINS. AND THE JETS. AND THE COLTS. AND THE GIANTS. AND THE STEELERS. AND DURING PRESEASON THE EAGLES GIANTS RAVENS AND BUCCANEERS.
FUCKING BIASED PRICKS.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:36 am
I like how the Pats fan imply that they won 3 Super Bowls DESPITE THE NFL’S BEST EFFORTS TO FUCK THEM OVER! They were just that good, I guess…
December 5th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I always read “NO ONE DENIES THIS” with the second half of “denies” raising up to a shrill pitch. It’s pretty authentic that way.
Yeah, those quotes are exactly why I quickly stopped browsing/posting on Pats message boards shortly after starting. It’s ridiculous and hilarious at first, and then just infuriating and depressing. Especially the pissing matches that go on when the Dolphins fans start posting on the board. Just horrible.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Guess who wrote this:
Marion Barber, you’re gonna love that sloppy Heinz Field. In other news, I am now actively rooting against the Steelers after Ryan Clark’s Jack Tatum-esque cheap shot on Wes Welker. If that had been done to a quarterback, he would have been handcuffed on the spot, thrown in jail and banned from professional football. The Karma Police are coming for you, Ryan Clark. You just wait.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
dirty fackin’ hit