People have long mocked the title of Peter King’s 10 thing I think I think section of his column. But if you THINK about it (see what I did there?), you’ll find that there is no more accurate way to describe the things that Peter King writes on his laptop. You see, Peter King never actually THINKS about things. That would prove far too complicated. Rather, he instead considers the idea of perhaps thinking of them, juuust enough to get the synapses barely pulsing. Then, he immediately puts down his nascent non-thoughts into a Microsoft Word document.

PRESTO! You now have a collection of observations that are NOT thought, or are only half-thought. So when King tells you that Marriott simply MUST change their shampoo, that’s a perfect example of the many partially conceived, utterly insignificant notions that comprise the canon of Peter King’s work. Remember, he never THINKS about things. He only kinda begins to think about them. The result is a long stream of mental diarrhea, whose toxic odor can be detected from the very furthest reaches of cyberspace. Let’s break it down, shall we?

I hope every PR guy in the league passes out to every player the part of my column about what Matt Birk is doing this week. It’s that important.

If you don’t pass it out, there’s a good chance any newborn baby your wife has in the future will die within 48 hours. And I must say, you will have deserved it. Failure to spread the King gospel always means dead babies.

The Steelers are one admirable football team.

Indeed. Did you know the Steelers helped repopulate the near-extinct zebra population of Zambia? And that they’ve found a way to minimize the widespread worldwide economic damage caused by massive collateralized debt obligation transactions? Read all about in Mike Tomlin’s new book, “Admirable Things I’ve Never Done, Except For Pull Two Games In A Row Out Of My Ass”.

By the way, Pittsburgh has six lives left, having used three of them to beat Baltimore, Dallas and San Diego.

You never told me about the life they sacrificed against the Chargers, King! You’re cheating on your methaphorical math!

7. Dallas (9-5). Great win by some proud men.

So proud, they told Ed Werder all about it!

9. New England (9-5). The Patriots scored 35 points in the first 18 minutes at Oakland, in a driving rainstorm. Football is a funny game.

I know! Isn’t it CRAYZEE? Who knew a very good team could score quickly against an absolutely putrid one? And who knew teams would dare to throw the ball in inclement weather? I always assumed that rain meant three straight hours of the tee formation.

10. Minnesota (9-5). Personal note here: I’m so happy for Tarvaris Jackson, who threw four touchdown passes with no interceptions in Arizona. His story is so good. Last year, at 6 a.m. the day after the Super Bowl, he and two buddies were working out and throwing the football because he was so excited about preparing to be the Vikings’ starting quarterback. He went out the day after The Big Game because the Vikings had crushed the Giants two months earlier, and the Giants had just won the world championship, and if the Giants won the title, Jackson figured, why not us?

Amazing story. A player decided to work out at the beginning of the year (as all players do) because he thought his team had a chance to win (as all players do). It’s like a Joseph Conrad novel unfolding before my very eyes. Tell me about the part where he decides to study more film!

Coach of the Week

Mike Mularkey, offensive coordinator, Atlanta. I bet when Mularkey’s son, at 5, first got on a bike, dad would not let son use training wheels.

“Get on the bike, kid. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF LITTLE JIMMY DOWN THE STREET USES TRAINING WHEELS. WE DO NOT GO FOR THAT PUSSY SHIT IN THE MULARKEY HOUSEHOLD! Are you crying? Oh, crying like a little bitch because your kneecaps have been filed off by the pavement? You will RIDE that bike, young man. And you will do it while learning to SWIM!”

(throw bike and child into a lake)

“SINK OR RIDE, BOY!”

MVP Watch

1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. I wouldn’t call it Manning’s to lose just yet.

I wouldn’t say I’m too lazy to look beyond predictable, utterly unjustified choices just yet… but he seems kind of okay!

2. Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta. Merril Hoge, on the “State Farm NFL Matchup Show” Sunday (I give them so many plugs that “State Farm is There” is my personal anthem), called Ryan the NFL MVP, which seemed to stun his panel pals. Not stunning here.

Who the fuck was on this panel? Bob Goen? Now you know the secret to making Merril Hoge look good: surround him with people or objects that are even less insightful. I can picture Hoge sitting a roundtable with Steve Lawrence, a bar of soap, and a baby kangaroo. You can bet THEY’D be stunned at his Ryan call!

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

I adore the title of this section. “Hey, here’s something you probably don’t give a shit about. But I’mma throw it in here anyway! I think I think you’ll think it’s retarded!”

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Oh boy. Here we go.

Friday afternoon, Montclair, N.J., four-way stop, and I’m at the western stop sign. I have the right of way. No car is at either the north or south stop sign, and a blue Maxima approaches the stop sign across from me.

I know I’m at a dead stop because I have to shift the car back into first gear, which I do only when the car is stopped.

You know how I know when my car is at a dead stop? When I look around and realize that my car is not advancing forward.

I proceed straight into the intersection, and the Maxima, which only slowed down and never came close to stopping, turns left, in front of me, with no signal…

OMG!

I’m a bit of a driving hypocrite because I do my share of law-breaking driving.

I drive while texting… I take ten minutes to figure out if my car is not in motion… I may or may not drive while sitting in Brett’s lap… Still, I am nowhere near the SOCIETAL MENACE this Maxima fellow was!

I preface this by acknowledging that I am employed by NBC, the beneficiary of the potential to change the late-season schedule, so you rightfully should look at this and say, “Of course King’s going to empathize with the concept of flex scheduling and pay homage to powerful Lord Ebersol. It’s helping to pay King’s massively bloated salary.” And you’d be right, sort of.

In other words, you would be right.

Best new uniforms in the league this year: the all-red jobs of the Texans. Bob McNair should make them Houston’s home unis.

And why doesn’t that Calvin Klein sell more leopard skin vests? That’s a great look!

I think Clinton Portis is going to be in front of us one day for Hall of Fame consideration. Two games shy of seven full seasons, and he’s already past 9,000 yards. He’s 27 years old. Can he muster 4,000 more yards? I’d think he will. If so, he’ll be in Eric Dickerson territory.

I think I might consider Clinton Portis for consideration into the Hall of Fame one day IF he maybe sets a few arbitrary goals I’m about to lay out. But I think he can reach those goals, so I think I’ll probably end up thinking about it. Wait, why am I telling you this? And how did my car keys end up in the dog’s ass?

h. Jermaine Phillips, the play of the year for Tampa Bay on that strip of the Atlanta pass at the Tampa one early in the third quarter. If Phillips doesn’t make the play, Tampa falls behind 17-7. But by making the play, the score stayed 10-7, and the Bucs got the ball back at the 20.

And then went on to lose the game 13-10. Thank God Phillips made that play. Saved the Bucs season, I tell you. Plays like that are the hidden difference between losing one way and losing another way.

You sounded very excited to be in Cincinnati yesterday, Tony Siragusa.

That’s because there was pie.

f. Three major penalties in four minutes for Cortland Finnegan.

g. That’s not the worst for Finnegan, an excellent player but one who helped cost the Titans a game

a. Again
b. This is not how you use bullet points

(Andre) Johnson’s amazing. He’s averaging a 100-yard receiving game per week. Exactly.

How does he arrange his reception totals so that they average out so perfectly?

d. I think, regrettably, we have to help Detroit. Too many lives at stake to not bail them out. But there’d better be a car plan with vehicles we’re actually interested in buying.

God, I never realized how simple it all is. We give GM the money, and then they magically become an efficient company that switches its bulky inventory overnight for a fleet of flying cars that only need almonds for fuel. MAKE IT HAPPEN, GOVERNMENT!

f. Coffeenerdness: Did an exclusive interview with Marv Albert last night about his coffee habits. Turns out he likes three double-tall cappuccinos a day, and doesn’t mind drinking them at room temperature.

Or biting through a woman’s clavicle while doing it.

The old dog, Andy Reid, has learned a new trick: running the ball.

Good thing he only needed a decade to figure it out!

I’d be shocked if Reid and offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg go back to throwing it 65 or 70 percent of the time. Ever.

Then again, Peter King is shocked they give you free rice when you order Hunan Chicken. These Chinafolk are so generous! AND DID YOU KNOW DERRICK MASON WILL SIGN HIS AUTOGRAPH FOR YOU IF YOU ASK HIM NICELY?!!!!

And so there you have it. Another week, another round of thoughts that aren’t really thought, but only may have the potential to become real, useful thoughts. Now excuse me while I go slam my head in a drawer.