Peter King Thinks He Thinks Things So That He Doesn’t Have To Think Them
People have long mocked the title of Peter King’s 10 thing I think I think section of his column. But if you THINK about it (see what I did there?), you’ll find that there is no more accurate way to describe the things that Peter King writes on his laptop. You see, Peter King never actually THINKS about things. That would prove far too complicated. Rather, he instead considers the idea of perhaps thinking of them, juuust enough to get the synapses barely pulsing. Then, he immediately puts down his nascent non-thoughts into a Microsoft Word document.
PRESTO! You now have a collection of observations that are NOT thought, or are only half-thought. So when King tells you that Marriott simply MUST change their shampoo, that’s a perfect example of the many partially conceived, utterly insignificant notions that comprise the canon of Peter King’s work. Remember, he never THINKS about things. He only kinda begins to think about them. The result is a long stream of mental diarrhea, whose toxic odor can be detected from the very furthest reaches of cyberspace. Let’s break it down, shall we?
I hope every PR guy in the league passes out to every player the part of my column about what Matt Birk is doing this week. It’s that important.
If you don’t pass it out, there’s a good chance any newborn baby your wife has in the future will die within 48 hours. And I must say, you will have deserved it. Failure to spread the King gospel always means dead babies.
The Steelers are one admirable football team.
Indeed. Did you know the Steelers helped repopulate the near-extinct zebra population of Zambia? And that they’ve found a way to minimize the widespread worldwide economic damage caused by massive collateralized debt obligation transactions? Read all about in Mike Tomlin’s new book, “Admirable Things I’ve Never Done, Except For Pull Two Games In A Row Out Of My Ass”.
By the way, Pittsburgh has six lives left, having used three of them to beat Baltimore, Dallas and San Diego.
You never told me about the life they sacrificed against the Chargers, King! You’re cheating on your methaphorical math!
7. Dallas (9-5). Great win by some proud men.
So proud, they told Ed Werder all about it!
9. New England (9-5). The Patriots scored 35 points in the first 18 minutes at Oakland, in a driving rainstorm. Football is a funny game.
I know! Isn’t it CRAYZEE? Who knew a very good team could score quickly against an absolutely putrid one? And who knew teams would dare to throw the ball in inclement weather? I always assumed that rain meant three straight hours of the tee formation.
10. Minnesota (9-5). Personal note here: I’m so happy for Tarvaris Jackson, who threw four touchdown passes with no interceptions in Arizona. His story is so good. Last year, at 6 a.m. the day after the Super Bowl, he and two buddies were working out and throwing the football because he was so excited about preparing to be the Vikings’ starting quarterback. He went out the day after The Big Game because the Vikings had crushed the Giants two months earlier, and the Giants had just won the world championship, and if the Giants won the title, Jackson figured, why not us?
Amazing story. A player decided to work out at the beginning of the year (as all players do) because he thought his team had a chance to win (as all players do). It’s like a Joseph Conrad novel unfolding before my very eyes. Tell me about the part where he decides to study more film!
Coach of the Week
Mike Mularkey, offensive coordinator, Atlanta. I bet when Mularkey’s son, at 5, first got on a bike, dad would not let son use training wheels.
“Get on the bike, kid. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF LITTLE JIMMY DOWN THE STREET USES TRAINING WHEELS. WE DO NOT GO FOR THAT PUSSY SHIT IN THE MULARKEY HOUSEHOLD! Are you crying? Oh, crying like a little bitch because your kneecaps have been filed off by the pavement? You will RIDE that bike, young man. And you will do it while learning to SWIM!”
(throw bike and child into a lake)
“SINK OR RIDE, BOY!”
MVP Watch
1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. I wouldn’t call it Manning’s to lose just yet.
I wouldn’t say I’m too lazy to look beyond predictable, utterly unjustified choices just yet… but he seems kind of okay!
2. Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta. Merril Hoge, on the “State Farm NFL Matchup Show” Sunday (I give them so many plugs that “State Farm is There” is my personal anthem), called Ryan the NFL MVP, which seemed to stun his panel pals. Not stunning here.
Who the fuck was on this panel? Bob Goen? Now you know the secret to making Merril Hoge look good: surround him with people or objects that are even less insightful. I can picture Hoge sitting a roundtable with Steve Lawrence, a bar of soap, and a baby kangaroo. You can bet THEY’D be stunned at his Ryan call!
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
I adore the title of this section. “Hey, here’s something you probably don’t give a shit about. But I’mma throw it in here anyway! I think I think you’ll think it’s retarded!”
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Oh boy. Here we go.
Friday afternoon, Montclair, N.J., four-way stop, and I’m at the western stop sign. I have the right of way. No car is at either the north or south stop sign, and a blue Maxima approaches the stop sign across from me.
I know I’m at a dead stop because I have to shift the car back into first gear, which I do only when the car is stopped.
You know how I know when my car is at a dead stop? When I look around and realize that my car is not advancing forward.
I proceed straight into the intersection, and the Maxima, which only slowed down and never came close to stopping, turns left, in front of me, with no signal…
OMG!
I’m a bit of a driving hypocrite because I do my share of law-breaking driving.
I drive while texting… I take ten minutes to figure out if my car is not in motion… I may or may not drive while sitting in Brett’s lap… Still, I am nowhere near the SOCIETAL MENACE this Maxima fellow was!
I preface this by acknowledging that I am employed by NBC, the beneficiary of the potential to change the late-season schedule, so you rightfully should look at this and say, “Of course King’s going to empathize with the concept of flex scheduling and pay homage to powerful Lord Ebersol. It’s helping to pay King’s massively bloated salary.” And you’d be right, sort of.
In other words, you would be right.
Best new uniforms in the league this year: the all-red jobs of the Texans. Bob McNair should make them Houston’s home unis.
And why doesn’t that Calvin Klein sell more leopard skin vests? That’s a great look!
I think Clinton Portis is going to be in front of us one day for Hall of Fame consideration. Two games shy of seven full seasons, and he’s already past 9,000 yards. He’s 27 years old. Can he muster 4,000 more yards? I’d think he will. If so, he’ll be in Eric Dickerson territory.
I think I might consider Clinton Portis for consideration into the Hall of Fame one day IF he maybe sets a few arbitrary goals I’m about to lay out. But I think he can reach those goals, so I think I’ll probably end up thinking about it. Wait, why am I telling you this? And how did my car keys end up in the dog’s ass?
h. Jermaine Phillips, the play of the year for Tampa Bay on that strip of the Atlanta pass at the Tampa one early in the third quarter. If Phillips doesn’t make the play, Tampa falls behind 17-7. But by making the play, the score stayed 10-7, and the Bucs got the ball back at the 20.
And then went on to lose the game 13-10. Thank God Phillips made that play. Saved the Bucs season, I tell you. Plays like that are the hidden difference between losing one way and losing another way.
You sounded very excited to be in Cincinnati yesterday, Tony Siragusa.
That’s because there was pie.
f. Three major penalties in four minutes for Cortland Finnegan.
g. That’s not the worst for Finnegan, an excellent player but one who helped cost the Titans a game
a. Again
b. This is not how you use bullet points
(Andre) Johnson’s amazing. He’s averaging a 100-yard receiving game per week. Exactly.
How does he arrange his reception totals so that they average out so perfectly?
d. I think, regrettably, we have to help Detroit. Too many lives at stake to not bail them out. But there’d better be a car plan with vehicles we’re actually interested in buying.
God, I never realized how simple it all is. We give GM the money, and then they magically become an efficient company that switches its bulky inventory overnight for a fleet of flying cars that only need almonds for fuel. MAKE IT HAPPEN, GOVERNMENT!
f. Coffeenerdness: Did an exclusive interview with Marv Albert last night about his coffee habits. Turns out he likes three double-tall cappuccinos a day, and doesn’t mind drinking them at room temperature.
Or biting through a woman’s clavicle while doing it.
The old dog, Andy Reid, has learned a new trick: running the ball.
Good thing he only needed a decade to figure it out!
I’d be shocked if Reid and offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg go back to throwing it 65 or 70 percent of the time. Ever.
Then again, Peter King is shocked they give you free rice when you order Hunan Chicken. These Chinafolk are so generous! AND DID YOU KNOW DERRICK MASON WILL SIGN HIS AUTOGRAPH FOR YOU IF YOU ASK HIM NICELY?!!!!
And so there you have it. Another week, another round of thoughts that aren’t really thought, but only may have the potential to become real, useful thoughts. Now excuse me while I go slam my head in a drawer.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, clearly formed his opinion on bailout after reading paul krugman article of some kind, FJM style, fun with peter king
December 15th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
If Peterson leads the Vikings to the playoffs in spite of the Vikings epic coaching and quarterbacking; yet a white QB still gets the MVP (especially Manning and the easiest NFL schedule of all fucking time), well … nothing is going to happen, because there aren’t black people in Minnesota. Still, ridiculous.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
“Who the fuck was on this panel? Bob Goen? Now you know the secret to making Merril Hoge look good: surround him with people or objects that are even less insightful. I can picture Hoge sitting a roundtable with Steve Lawrence, a bar of soap, and a baby kangaroo. You can bet THEY’D be stunned at his Ryan call!”
Close. Hoge’s companion on the panel was Emmitt. Not kidding.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
It all makes sense now.
“Ryan is the most voluble player? THAT’S A SOCK TO THE SISTER!”
December 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
The old dog, Andy Reid, has learned a new trick: running the ball.
Good thing he only needed a decade to figure it out!
Did he have that dead-eye “dog staring at me shit” look in his eyes while he figured it out?
December 15th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Or biting through a woman’s clavicle while doing it.
YES!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Mike Mularkey can burn in hell.
He also draws up the dumbest plays ever that never work.
Worse coach ever, no wait thats Gregg Williams, nope Dick Jauron.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Anyone else think the “three lives left” line was put in there as a response to last week’s mockery the nine lives quip? Because in that case, its [a] awesome, and [b] almost mind numbing that PK is self-aware. That means he thinks about thinking about himself thinking.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I think I think that anyone who drives a Nissan is liable to cut you off at any moment. Fucking Assholes. Every one of them.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Who references his own “massively bloated salary” in the midst of a horrific, world-wide economic crisis that is at least partially responsible for claiming the jobs of far more gifted journalists at his own Me damn publication?
I think I think that Peter King deserves a vicious smiting.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
God, I never realized how simple it all is. We give GM the money, and then they magically become an efficient company that switches its bulky inventory overnight for a fleet of flying cars that only need almonds for fuel. MAKE IT HAPPEN, GOVERNMENT!
It’s high time we had a BailFlaWa
December 15th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I thought this little nugget was quite brilliant:
if you can now see the best AFC game of the weekend (Steelers-Titans) early, a game with possible Wild Card ramifications following that (Eagles-Redskins), and then a game for NFC playoff supremacy (Panthers-Giants), what’s better than that?
I’d wager on: drinking Ardbeg and getting a hummer while watching the Pats win the division, but that’s just me as I care only about my team making the playoffs, dush.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I used to read MMQB anyway, for a synopsis of the weekend and games I didn’t watch, now I read it as preparation to read Drew’s thing.
You find yourself reading and going “Oooh, Drew’s gonna skewer that one,” or, “Jesus, could King possibly make this any EASIER for Drew??”
PK: too much access (#4’s colon), too much favor (surname Manning), not enough discretion (the mind-numbing minutiae of his sycophantic life/job)
December 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
The Steelers have six lives and five games left. Q.E.D….
December 15th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
The Texans enjoyed King’s compliment on their new jerseys so much that they went back in time and wore them on their Thursday night game last year. I think that’s how it worked it out.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
(throw bike and child into a lake)
This is the only way for this pussy generation of tit-suckers to learn, dammit!
How is Peter King overpaid? Does he think $35K a year plus benefits is a ‘King’s” Ransom? See what I did there?
December 15th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Who knew a very good team First ever compliment to the Patriots…. even if it was inadvertent I’m fighting back tears here.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
His astounding revelation that Jim Carrey is the new Adam Sandler really opened my eyes. I can’t wait until he brings Will Ferrell some recognition.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I am so glad that he thought that I thought that he could think what I was going to think for me without me having to think it. I wonder if he knows how I know how he knows how gay he is too? What a wizard!
I can’t stop laughing at this post. I think it might just be the one that gets me fired for laughing too hard and sucking up bandwidth while taking up precious company time doing nothing and enjoying it. excellent.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Now, I’ve only been living in Montclair for 19 years, but as far as I know, there is not a single 4-way stop intersection in the entire town. I think that I think that PK’s a liar.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I’ve stopped reading his column because this feature on KSK is just much better. As long as PK keeps livin’, KSK will keep mockin’. OOOOO YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH.
Did I forget to mention that the Cowboys just kicked Mickey’s team in da ballsack? “OOOH, da famuhlee jewlz.”
December 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
That Bucs play of the year shit was hilarious. Thank you for pointing out how nonsensical it was. It’s like he wrote that right after the play and refused to edit it out, even after they lost.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
- Peter King’s
- MMQ column
- has gotten so bad
- that I can’t read it
- anymore.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
LeBeau was finishing up practice review for the day and practice preparation for the next day. Then he made a short phone call to me and made it to the party for the last half-hour or so.
Wow, I was expecting KSK go go off on this gem from PK from his Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me. Especially how PK likes to note how everyone text/calls him before they do anything.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I’d call him a tool, but tools are actually useful. Likewise “dick” and “asshole.” I’m unable to think of anything actually as worthless as Peter King, so until “Peter King” becomes the acknowledged synonym for “completely and utterly useless object,” we’ll have nothing to compare him to. Junk mail, maybe.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Matt Ryan’s stats from yesterday:
15/23, 0 TDs, 2 INTs
Let’s just give him the truck now
December 15th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
BDD: Reading Peter King’s drivel so I don’t have to since 2008.
I really wish PK would get his fat ass off my my team’s bandwagon.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“Why does every announcer say “football game” instead of “game” or “field” or “player” over and over and over in the same sound bite? We know the sport is football.” —PK
I know, PK is right. I cannot stand when these dumb shit talking heads and journalists do this…
“The Steelers are one admirable football team.”–PK
*Palm. Meet. Face.*
December 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Peyton Manning MVP? Really? REALLY???
December 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Once again, my colleague is concered for my health…wheezing commenced on this comment:
“I know! Isn’t it CRAYZEE? Who knew a very good team could score quickly against an absolutely putrid one? And who knew teams would dare to throw the ball in inclement weather? I always assumed that rain meant three straight hours of the tee formation. ”
I even think I would listen to Emmut Smiff before PK. I think I would. Maybe.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Do you think it’s possible that the Steelers can use two of their lives in one game? Like, what if it goes into overtime? They used one life to get into overtime and another to win it?
Wait, who gives a shit?
December 15th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I really hate his cherry picking of stats. His section on Reggie Bush was retarded.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
He hung out with Marv Albert and asked him about COFFEE? Jesus.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
“A SPECTACULAR retard move by Peter King!”
December 15th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Only in PK’s world is navigating all the confusing choices of winning a coin flip more crucial to the outcome of a pro football game than whether or not to have Kerry Collins throw a fade route to Justin McCareins on 4th and 3 with the game on the line.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Why doesn’t PK use some Elite Flyer miles to go to Zimbabwe and contract cholera? That would be a Factoid that would interest me and countless others.
December 15th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
@Max
I’ve started to read MMQB every week in preparation for this article as well, except I never make it all the way through. My eyes start bleeding halfway through Page 2.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
“h. Jermaine Phillips, the play of the year for Tampa Bay on that strip of the Atlanta pass at the Tampa one early in the third quarter.”
Think PK just likes to use the name of a muscular black guy and “strip” in the same sentence?
December 15th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“Who the fuck was on this panel? Bob Goen? Now you know the secret to making Merril Hoge look good: surround him with people or objects that are even less insightful. I can picture Hoge sitting a roundtable with Steve Lawrence, a bar of soap, and a baby kangaroo. You can bet THEY’D be stunned at his Ryan call!”
You’re right. Steve Lawrence is frickin’ clueless about these things. Eydie Gorme, OTOH, had the stats down cold to prove Michael Turner, not Ryan, is the real Falcons MVP.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
+10 for comparing Merrill Hoge unfavorably to a baby kangaroo
December 16th, 2008 at 1:15 am
“(Andre) Johnson’s amazing. He’s averaging a 100-yard receiving game per week. Exactly.”
This isn’t even right the way its worded. He has had 7 100-yard receiving games this season in 14 attempts, so he is actually averaging 0.5 100-yard receiving games per week. He is, however, averaging 100 receiving yards per game. There is a difference.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:16 am
All that Favre jenkem is finally taking a toll on PK’s brain.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:48 am
seriously, wasn’t adam sandler the new jim carey about 8 years ago?
elton john was right, my friends. circle of life, indeed.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Peter King just said that Chad Pennington deserved to make the Pro Bowl over Brett Favre on Mike and Mike in the Morning!