Peter King Loves Men Who Work The Land
Every week, Peter King types up his column, and every week I read through it hoping for comedic gold: factual inaccuracies, broad observations one could make simply by being awake and upright, stories that illustrate how totally King fails to see his own self-involvement (CURSE THAT BLUE MAXIMA!), etc. And King usually delivers. But sometimes, you have to dig a bit to get to the good stuff. I mean, if you read only the beginning of his column this week, you’d run into fairly benign shit like this:
Think of the accurate throwers of this era — Joe Montana, Peyton Manning, Warren Moon, Tom Brady.
Warren Moon’s career completion percentage? 58.4%. That makes him the 49th most accurate passer of all time, behind such luminaries as David Carr, Hugh Millen, Tim Couch, and Jay Fiedler. So when I think of accurate throwers, I don’t think of Warren Moon. In fact, there are so many more worthy people to NOT think of, before you even get to the people you SHOULD think of when you think of accurate passers. I only think of Moon when you bring up the subject of men who like to choke their wives and then chase after them in the station wagon as they flee for help, and that is as it should be.
But as we said last week, King doesn’t really think of accurate passers. He only thinks about thinking of them, and thus is liable to pull virtually anyone’s name out of the ether: Warren Moon, Dave Brown, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and such and such. Alas, this is still a fairly weak thing to pick on. I want something that is just fucking LUDICROUS, DAMMIT!
Ran into Robert Wuhl the other day.
Yes, that’ll do. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR AMAZING BRUSH WITH GREATNESS! I haven’t been this atwitter since you ran into Sally Kellerman!
You know, “Arliss.”
He was Arliss? HOLY SHIT! He was that guy on that show that made me want to claw out my own heart? Wow. How dare you mention something like this so casually, Peter. Oh, I know Arliss. How could anyone forget such an indelible character?
We’re getting closer to the kind of pointless inanity I’ve been searching for all column long. But surely there’s something can top a Robert Wuhl anecdote for sheer idiocy…
People need their coffee.
Yes, that’s it!
I found that out Sunday morning, around 8, in front of the Starbucks in the Wintry Mix Capital of the World, Montclair, N.J.
You’re telling me people like having coffee in the morning? GET THE FUCK OUT. I have now learned two things I didn’t know yesterday. One: people seem to like this new ground java-infused hot water beverage that’s spreading across the nation. Two: it appears that people enjoy it earlier in the day, as a kind of “pick me up,” as it were. I’ve been told they often put cow’s milk and assorted sweeteners in it as well. This is one funny world we live in!
One car, a beat-up Corolla, stopped in the middle of the road, put on its flashers, and the driver got out. I mean, the car stopped on a quiet Sunday morning, with the driver apparently afraid to park in the wet snow for fear of getting stuck, and the driver simply left the car idling in the middle of the road and went in to get coffee.
Well, one car came up behind and stopped, and then another, and they stopped, and waited maybe 30 or 40 seconds, and the second car beeped, wondering what was going on, and then the guy hustled out of the coffee shop with a venti something or other, got in the car, and drove away.
Now there’s something you don’t see every day.
I agree. Extraordinary. To give you an idea of the incredible rarity in which an event like this occurs, I present you with the following chart:
CHANCE OF OCCURRING IN THE NEXT YEAR
Nuclear Holocaust – 5%
Bird Of Paradise Mating Dance Caught On Camera – 2%
Clean Fusion Discovered – 0.5%
Unassisted Triple Play Made By Chimpanzee – 0.07%
First Contact With The Gakphods Of Nebula Twelve: 0.0001%
Kraken Rising Out Of Ocean Once More: 0.000025%
Some Asshole Stops On A Practically Deserted Winter Road To Grab A Quick Drink: 0.00000000004%
To put it in perspective, if we were to plot the chances of this astonishing event on a parabolic graph, it would be at a point on the line where the space between the point and the x-axis would be thinner than a carbon dioxide molecule. THAT is just how rarely you see a dude make that kind of coffee run. Stunning.
I compared (Sammy) Baugh — who died last week at 93 in his native Texas — to Brett Favre early this season, as charismatic quarterbacks from the south who loved to work the land in the offseason and took teams on their backs in-season.
Talk about rarities! If there’s one thing I’ll always remember about Brett Favre once he retires 457 years from now, it is that he LOVED TO WORK THE LAND. Every day during the offseason, Favre will walk out of his home, dig his hands into the soil, and say to the Heavens, “THIS IS YOUR BOUNTY, OH LORD.” Like the Quakers, Favre is a man who at one with his plow. What a throwback. What a cultivator. This man could grow tomatoes in the goddamn Kalahari, I tell you.
Penn State is insane. A three-year contract extension for an 82-year-old coach who has had recent health problems? Why is there no one at this august institution who can tell a man whom the school isn’t positive can even STAND on the sideline every week that it’s time to step down? Can anyone who bleeds Nittany blue honestly tell me Paterno has the energy to out-recruit coaches 40 years his junior for the best football players in the country?
For real. It’s not like they went to the Rose Bowl this year. And it’s not like JoePa could just go hire talented people to go recruit for him while he remains an effective figurehead. Or like he helped build half of the school. STOP FOOLING YOURSELVES, YOU PEOPLE! HOW CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY LEAD WITHOUT THE POWER TO STAND?
a. Sat next to Rodney Harrison at the “Costas Now” 2008-sports-year-in-review show the other night in New York. When Tiger Woods appeared on a satellite hookup to talk with Costas and Rocco Mediate about the ‘08 U.S. Open, and then about how he was more excited than ever about resuming his career, Harrison leaned over to Osi Umenyiora, sitting next to him, and said, “Look at Tiger! He’s still hungry!”
ZOMG?! Can you believe that shit?! Who knew Tiger Woods would still want to win when he’s only 4 majors away from tying Jack Nicklaus’ record, and has already demonstrated a near superhuman level of competitiveness? When he got injured, I just assumed he’d gain 400 pounds and never pick up a club again! What are the odds he’d want to continue being the kind of person he’s always been? Amazing. DO YOU THINK HE MAY HAVE BEEN THE MAN WHO WENT TO GO GET COFFEE?! THAT’S SOME RARE DETERMINATION!
b. Players just love Tiger. Players in all sports.
a. And here is your weekly
b. Misuse of bullet points
3. This is where I switch to numbers!
I’ll gladly take movie recommendations. Don’t come with any of that weak stuff, though.
Yeah, people. Don’t you go telling Peter to see movies he may end up not liking! If you want to know just what Peter is looking for in a film, I suggest you go rent The Journey Of Natty Gann immediately.
(Regarding the Teixeira negotiations) Good for Boston. Good for Anaheim. In this economy, should a baseball player be paid more than $20 million a year?
Yes, way to show fiscal restraint, you two. If only every major league club had the temerity to scrape by on a $119 million payroll.
Seven hours of shoveling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Where did my daughters go? They were always such good shovelers. Come home girls! Come home!
YOU’RE SO GOOD AT WORKING THE LAND!
So there you have it. While Peter may not deliver the goods right off the bat, you can always count on him to BRING THE FUCKING PAIN by the end of his column. You just need to be patient. Like Brett Favre is with his celery crops.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, he shovels more than snow, working the land
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
“Seven hours of shoveling Friday, Saturday and Sunday.”
buy a snow blower fatty
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
What’s that stuff people like in the morning, again.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Be fair, PK was probably talking about how accurate Warren Moon could swing his fists toward his wife’s face.
Even when drunk it was damn close to perfection!
/actually knows Warren Moon’s (now ex) wife.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Dude, did you not catch the part about Tony Dungy getting a deep cavity filled?
Pause
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@UU — I hear Joe Sakic has some extra time and can show him how to operate it.
/may be only person around who actually like Arliss in the same sort of vein as Entourage
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Peter’s a good shoveler.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
The best part about the anti-Paterno rant is that if you took all the references to Penn State, Paterno and coaching, and replaced them with references to the Jets, Favre and quarterbacking, it would be a far more accurate statement.
Not that King would ever admit it.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I suggest you go rent The Journey Of Natty Gann immediately.
What is the word for when you are both amused, startled, and scared at the same time?
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Where did my daughters go? They were always such good shovelers.
/looks up “shoveling” on UrbanDictionary.com
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Always nice to hear from the John Madden of print.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Yeah, Peter…Joe Pa doesn’t deserve an extension. What the hell has he ever done for Penn State – besides more bowl wins than any other coach. But he can’t possibly bring in the big recruits. OH WAIT – the 8th ranked QB recruit in the nation just committed to Penn State.
http://recruiting.scout.com/a.z?s=73&p=2&c=822004
Jesus, I was willing to take the inane starbucks stories and verbal fellatio for Brett Favre, but it was not until today that I truly understood what an idiot Peter King is.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
k. Looks like those clowns in Congress have done it again. What a bunch of clowns.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Where did my daughters go?
He asks this, then we go finding out where his daughters are, taking their pictures and then posting and discussing them on this very site. And somehow we’re the assholes. Bullshit man.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Please, please, please never stop doing this.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Peter King Loves Men Who Work The Land
Since when did “land” become a euphemism for “shaft?”
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
In the first version of the column, he wrote that the Jets were so bad that they had lost their last four games. Dude is on TOP of the NFL.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Harrison leaned over to Osi Umenyiora, sitting next to him, and said, “Look at Tiger! He’s still hungry!”
Osi Umenyiora leaned back and said, “Me too. As soon as this knee is able to maintain the squat position for five plus minutes, you best believe I’m gonna be dropping mad turds on some hos.”
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
“k. Looks like those clowns in Congress have done it again. What a bunch of clowns.”
Don’t. Praise. The. Machine.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I like that he made his daughters shovel the driveway. Fat fuck.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
In his defense, he was rough on Favre this week. It’s so sad when lovers quarrel. Pete must be fed up with being a bottom.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
[x] PK’s daughters can shovel
[x] Favre works the land almost as hard as PK works Favre
[ ] PK knows things about Warren Moon’s career
[ ] people want to read about coffee
[x] this is the only good aspect of PK’s column
[ ]funny use of checkboxes by me
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
@ Chamomiles Davis : You beat me to it. Blast.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I liked him better when he was Larry David’s best friend
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Dear Peter King:
That was me who selfishly parked my Corolla in the middle of the road while I ran in to get my coffee fix. I was neither thinking nor worried about the snow. I do that all the time because I’m a self-absorbed douchebag with a unearned sense of self-entitlement. I’m just like every other prick who lives in his Montclair McMansion and has no concept of the real world beyond the end of his penis (or gut in your case). That’s why every time I run in to get my coffee, there’s a line of clueless fucks honking their horns at me when they could just as easily turn their steering wheels and go around the stopped car.
Anyway, next time you see me, make sure to honk so I’ll know who give the finger to as I drive off.
Sincerely,
Brett F.
P.S. Tonite I’m giving you a dirty sanchez, so make sure you shave.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Excellent Kraken reference.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I only think of Moon when you bring up the subject of men who like to choke their wives and then chase after them in the station wagon as they flee for help, and that is as it should be
This line made me feel happy in my pants.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
The One is gonna be pissed.
“Lead without the ability to stand”?
JoePa is the new FDR.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
He’s a fucking moron. He ranks the Steelers ahead of the Giants despite the G-Men’s head to head win over Pitt, as well as a win yesterday to Pitt’s loss, AND one of the toughest stretch schedules in NFL HISTORY.
After they play the Vikings next week, NY will be the first team in NFL history to play 10 straight opponents with a .500 record or better. And they’ll either be 7-3 or 8-2 over that stretch.
So, with all due respect, Mr. King: get fucked.
/unreasonably angry over the meaningless rankings of the only slob with titties that rival Wade’s.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
“The Fine Fifteen
15. Vacant. Sorry. You think the Jets, Cards, Bucs or Broncos deserve this? No way.”
How will any of those teams POSSIBLY win a crucial week 17 game after getting disrespected by PK that way?
“In ‘04, Peyton Manning and Steve McNair split the Associated Press MVP award”
“The ‘97 vote was Brett Favre’s shared MVP”
Manning & McNair SPLIT the award, but Favre was kind enough to SHARE his with Barry Sanders. Can’t you picture PK squirming out of Favre’s asshole like Jim Carrey’s rhino birth scene in Ace Ventura 2?
“I expect this could be a year when at least five players get MVP votes: Peyton Manning, Roethlisberger, Harrison, Adrian Peterson, BRIAN WESTBROOK”
Two agonizingly long pages later…
“g. Brian Westbrook has fallen off the MVP radar, hasn’t he?”
Early-onset alzheimers is a bitch.
“h. Reggie Corner, a corner, jumped high to break up a catchable pass from Jay Cutler to Brandon Stokley that would have sent Buffalo-Denver to overtime.”
I think I think Brett Favre should have been born Brett Quarterback. But seriously, isn’t it hilarious that a player has the same last name as his position????
“Don’t come with any of that weak stuff, though.”
Followed IMMEDIATELY by gushing praise for POMEGRANATE TEA.
I really want horrible things to happen to this man, but not so horrible that he’ll stop churning out low-hanging fruit like this.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
No matter what, don’t ever stop this Monday morning feature…no. matter. what.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Today, on DP’s show, PK said (and I paraphrase). “I know something has been wrong with Brett’s arm that he is not telling us.”
Because clearly, the fact that he has chucked balls willy nilly all over the place has never been noticed by our fine author. GAHHHH.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Seven hours of shoveling and not one heart attack?
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I’d use the stupid “cat with 9 lives” metaphor, but I don’t love “men who work land.”
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Normally, I don’t care about these kinds of things, but PK’s power rankings are the height of douchebaggery retardedness.
His top 6:
Tennessee (13-2)
Pittsburgh (11-4)
New York Giants (12-3)
Carolina (11-4)
Baltimore (10-5)
Indianapolis (11-4)
Now, I can understand Tennessee being first. But seriously, after Pittsburgh shit the bed this week, don’t we have to balance out the awesome defense with the offensive line leakier than a kitchen strainer? I mean, the Titan’s BACKUPS were knifing through that shit.
The Giants beat the Panthers in overtime, and that doesn’t vault them over the Steelers? Moreover, what’s with the ranking clearly worse teams ahead of the teams that beat them? So, Peter King, you think that the Ravens are better than the Colts? Even after the Colts blasted them 31-3 earlier this season and have a better record? Really? And you think the Steelers are better than the Colts, after the Colts won IN THEIR HOUSE, WHICH THEY HADN’T DONE, EVER? Fuck you, Peter King.
Here’s what his top 6 should have been:
Tennessee (13-2)
New York Giants (12-3)
Indianapolis (11-4)
Carolina (11-4)
Pittsburgh (11-4)
Baltimore (10-5)
And a big hearty helping of shove it up your fat fuck ass. FUCK!
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Just found this site. Fucking amazing. I always have hated Peter King, it’s nice to find others to commiserate with.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
BDD:
Some Asshole Stops On A Practically Deserted Winter Road To Grab A Quick Drink: 0.00000000004% = wins.
I read this PK interview during a recent flight:
http://www.delta-sky.com/sections/index.php/entertainment/coffees_football_connection
And, this may help explain some of the inane ramblings. If I had to spend the entire day at SNF and then work an all-nighter, I’d be punch-drunk too.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Think of the throwgasming cumslingers of this era — Dan Marino, Brett Favre, Tony Romo, Peter North, and Rex Grossman.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
How exactly does Favre “work the land”? No, I’m not gonna Googe it. Driving your 4-wheeler around and shootin’ at random shit doesn’t count as “working the land.”
I’m pretty sure no one works the land in America anymore except for old white farmers in the Midwest and Hispanic people in California.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I meant “Google” it. But “Googe” does sound intriguing.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:53 pm
How could you miss this brilliant observation?
“No wonder Tennessee wins every year. The Titans have the best defensive depth in recent NFL history.”
Despite living in Nashville at the time, I must have missed all those wins TN was racking up during 2004, 2005, 2006 seasons.
/ Tommy from Quinzee is driving to PK’s house as we speak…
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
In the ‘What I Didn’t Like’ section there’s this gem:
Are you kidding me, Miles Austin?
What the hell did Miles Austin do that PK didn’t like? Oh. It must’ve been Austin’s fault for Romo’s inability to hit the broadside of a barn from 20 feet all day and 2 pickles. Austin should’ve also done a better job at tackling McGahee/McClain from the bench.
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I WAIT ALL WEEK FOR THIS COLUMN! And not the one PK writes. The one that tears his poorly supplemented shit apart on this site.
Warren Moon? What the fuck! Where does he get this stuff man? He really is in his own little world.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Peter King is a Major Masshole in disguise as an NFL columnist. I am always suprised you guys omit his references to the brilliance of Theo Epstein. He even refers to the Sawx as “we”. I think that should increase his general level of douchiness.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
Seriously, how much money does this fat ass have? Why exactly doesn’t he buy a snow blower? How is this retarded man child so rich and successful?
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:28 am
I saw King walking into Costas Now and yelled at him about his lack of talent.
December 25th, 2008 at 10:08 am
King needs to stop giving us travel notes. If I wanted to read about high adventure in exotic locales I’d pick Robinson Crusoe.
December 26th, 2008 at 7:17 am
If you don’t like his columns, stop reading them. It’s a very simple process.
The writer and positive commenters probably won’t care, but this is genuinely the least funny attempt at satire I’ve ever seen. Ever. You fucking suck.
December 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
His daughters happen to have been with Brett Favre. He gave them to him 10 years ago and explained how much they enjoy a good shoveling.