Before we get to this week’s Peter King evisceration, I’d be remiss not to point out that Paul Zimmerman (Dr. Z) suffered two strokes last week. We’ve had our fun with the old man here on this site. After all, Dr. Z is the kind of old crank who would complain about the factual inaccuracies of 10,000 BC. He also once said he’d let Dick Vermeil in the Hall Of Fame because he sent him some nice wine, which makes me want to fucking choke him on his gurney. All that aside, I hope he gets better. The NFL isn’t as fun without Dr. Z to kick around (“This time, the Bills WILL win the Super Bowl!”).

And now, onto Peter King giving me a migraine…

The amazing thing, I’m told by Justin Tuck, is that Antonio Pierce never mentioned Plaxico Burress all day Sunday.

You mean Pierce never brought up a painfully awkward legal imbroglio to teammates and coaches on a day where everyone needed to focus on work and not worry about such a glaring, horrible distraction? I’m stunned. I thought Pierce would have run around the locker room with a gun tied to his cock, screaming to everyone HOLY FUCKING SHIT! CAN YOU BELIEVE I HID THE GUN IN JERSEY?! HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I?!

5. Indianapolis (8-4). They’ve won one game this year by more than six points. I admire their pluck.

This astute analysis brought to you by Mr. Gaines from “Cheers.” “Young man, you have grit.”

6. Baltimore (8-4). A hard, but relatively friendly, remaining schedule.

A smart, but relatively idiotic sentence. Yes, out of all the teams in the AFC, the Ravens have the easiest hard schedule remaining.

11. New England (7-5)… Matthew Slater’s lucky I like his dad so much, or he’d have been my Goat of the Week for that monumental fumble on the kickoff against the Steelers, with the Patriots down only 13-10.

Yeah, Matt Slater! You’re lucky that Peter King allows his objective analysis to be clouded by personal relationships. OR ELSE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED. A taste of Peter King’s scorn stays with you forever! Kiss the Lord’s feet that he forgives players based purely on matters of nepotism.

Quote of the Week I

“There’s a huge paranoia that occurs when you carry a gun … You just have your hand on your gun. That just drove me crazy. After two years, I just threw it over the highway when I was driving home one night because it was eating me up inside.”

Former NFL defensive end Marcellus Wiley, talking on ESPN Sunday about what it was like as an athlete to carry a gun early in his NFL career.

“God, this gun is just making me so paranoid. Let me toss it out onto the highway, where a vagrant can find it and commit any number of violent crimes with it, in a hideous spree of savage bloodletting, until the weapon is finally traced. God, I feel so relieved now! That gun won’t be causing ME any more trouble!”

MVP WATCH

1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. OK. You give me an MVP after the debacle weekend of so many candidates.

Um, Adrian Peterson? Justin Tuck? Al Haynesworth? Troy Polamalu? Someone who didn’t throw two picks and fumble at the goal line for a 5th seeded team?

Let me tell you a story. My Sirius NFL Radio partner, Randy Cross, was on a Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Atlanta eight nights ago after doing Oakland-Denver for CBS. Frontier has satellite TV at every seat and Cross and his seat neighbor were watching the waning moments of the Indy-San Diego Sunday-nighter. The Chargers kicked a field goal to tie the game at 20 with a minute and a half left. The ensuing conversation:

Seat neighbor: “Overtime.”

Cross, pointing to the time remaining: “The Chargers are toast.”

Seat neighbor: “Why?”

Cross, pointing to Peyton Manning on the screen: “Because of him.”

Amazing story. Really. It’s as if Randy Cross is an oracle that foresees world events before they even occur. You mean Cross predicted the Chargers would lose in overtime because the Colts have a proven, winning quarterback? This man is clearly some sort of medium. WHY DIDN’T WE LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE WARNED US OF MUMBAI?!

c. I don’t trust anything about the Arizona Cardinals anymore. Disgraceful performance at Philadelphia.

Bear in mind that King makes this statement mere paragraphs after laying out all the reasons the Cardinals were dealt a severe disadvantage by having to play Thanksgiving Night on the road in Philly. So, in other words, be sure to ignore everything he just said.

Bad, bad call by Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy in a 28-all tie with two minutes left against Carolina. With a fourth-and-one at the Panther 1, McCarthy kicked the field goal rather than try to punch it in.

Horrible call. The fuck is he thinking, going for the sure lead, when he could have pointlessly gambled the opportunity away?

(Regarding Plaxico Burress) Awfully sad. “Trouble just follows him,” said Bucs cornerback Ronde Barber. No one over the weekend was arguing.

I’ll argue that. You see, when you carry a loaded gun into a nightclub, that’s not trouble following you. In fact, that’s more like inviting trouble into your car and having trouble blow you for gas money. OMG! I can’t believe I mishandled a gun while drunk and shot myself in the leg! Talk about snake bitten! CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LUCK? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE?!

b. For all of you wondering about the pros and cons of the MacBook Air, I just want you to know I flew from Newark to Seattle the other day and my battery lasted all the way through Montana.

HE’S TYPING SO FUCKING HARD HE MIGHT BREAK IT! Yes, for the millions of you wondering if a luxury electronic item Peter just purchased would last him 2/3 of the way through a cross-country flight, you at long last have your answer. Thank God. That riddle was torturing me all weekend.

You should see how well the Macbook Air works for Pete when he’s typing emails while driving on the PA turnpike.

Standing in line at Starbucks at this time of year borders on the maddening. The holiday drinks, the sandwiches, the special sprinkles on top of the coffee … Howard Schultz is trying to be too many things to too many people.

“He should only make the things I like! Like the gingerbread mocha with triple foam! I order the SERIOUS drinks, dammit! THERE ARE TOO MANY NON-ELITE FLYERS IN THIS LINE!”