Peter King Likes His Macbook Air Far More Than The Marriott Shampoo
Before we get to this week’s Peter King evisceration, I’d be remiss not to point out that Paul Zimmerman (Dr. Z) suffered two strokes last week. We’ve had our fun with the old man here on this site. After all, Dr. Z is the kind of old crank who would complain about the factual inaccuracies of 10,000 BC. He also once said he’d let Dick Vermeil in the Hall Of Fame because he sent him some nice wine, which makes me want to fucking choke him on his gurney. All that aside, I hope he gets better. The NFL isn’t as fun without Dr. Z to kick around (“This time, the Bills WILL win the Super Bowl!”).
And now, onto Peter King giving me a migraine…
The amazing thing, I’m told by Justin Tuck, is that Antonio Pierce never mentioned Plaxico Burress all day Sunday.
You mean Pierce never brought up a painfully awkward legal imbroglio to teammates and coaches on a day where everyone needed to focus on work and not worry about such a glaring, horrible distraction? I’m stunned. I thought Pierce would have run around the locker room with a gun tied to his cock, screaming to everyone HOLY FUCKING SHIT! CAN YOU BELIEVE I HID THE GUN IN JERSEY?! HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I?!
5. Indianapolis (8-4). They’ve won one game this year by more than six points. I admire their pluck.
This astute analysis brought to you by Mr. Gaines from “Cheers.” “Young man, you have grit.”
6. Baltimore (8-4). A hard, but relatively friendly, remaining schedule.
A smart, but relatively idiotic sentence. Yes, out of all the teams in the AFC, the Ravens have the easiest hard schedule remaining.
11. New England (7-5)… Matthew Slater’s lucky I like his dad so much, or he’d have been my Goat of the Week for that monumental fumble on the kickoff against the Steelers, with the Patriots down only 13-10.
Yeah, Matt Slater! You’re lucky that Peter King allows his objective analysis to be clouded by personal relationships. OR ELSE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED. A taste of Peter King’s scorn stays with you forever! Kiss the Lord’s feet that he forgives players based purely on matters of nepotism.
Quote of the Week I
“There’s a huge paranoia that occurs when you carry a gun … You just have your hand on your gun. That just drove me crazy. After two years, I just threw it over the highway when I was driving home one night because it was eating me up inside.”
Former NFL defensive end Marcellus Wiley, talking on ESPN Sunday about what it was like as an athlete to carry a gun early in his NFL career.
“God, this gun is just making me so paranoid. Let me toss it out onto the highway, where a vagrant can find it and commit any number of violent crimes with it, in a hideous spree of savage bloodletting, until the weapon is finally traced. God, I feel so relieved now! That gun won’t be causing ME any more trouble!”
MVP WATCH
1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. OK. You give me an MVP after the debacle weekend of so many candidates.
Um, Adrian Peterson? Justin Tuck? Al Haynesworth? Troy Polamalu? Someone who didn’t throw two picks and fumble at the goal line for a 5th seeded team?
Let me tell you a story. My Sirius NFL Radio partner, Randy Cross, was on a Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Atlanta eight nights ago after doing Oakland-Denver for CBS. Frontier has satellite TV at every seat and Cross and his seat neighbor were watching the waning moments of the Indy-San Diego Sunday-nighter. The Chargers kicked a field goal to tie the game at 20 with a minute and a half left. The ensuing conversation:
Seat neighbor: “Overtime.”
Cross, pointing to the time remaining: “The Chargers are toast.”
Seat neighbor: “Why?”
Cross, pointing to Peyton Manning on the screen: “Because of him.”
Amazing story. Really. It’s as if Randy Cross is an oracle that foresees world events before they even occur. You mean Cross predicted the Chargers would lose in overtime because the Colts have a proven, winning quarterback? This man is clearly some sort of medium. WHY DIDN’T WE LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE WARNED US OF MUMBAI?!
c. I don’t trust anything about the Arizona Cardinals anymore. Disgraceful performance at Philadelphia.
Bear in mind that King makes this statement mere paragraphs after laying out all the reasons the Cardinals were dealt a severe disadvantage by having to play Thanksgiving Night on the road in Philly. So, in other words, be sure to ignore everything he just said.
Bad, bad call by Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy in a 28-all tie with two minutes left against Carolina. With a fourth-and-one at the Panther 1, McCarthy kicked the field goal rather than try to punch it in.
Horrible call. The fuck is he thinking, going for the sure lead, when he could have pointlessly gambled the opportunity away?
(Regarding Plaxico Burress) Awfully sad. “Trouble just follows him,” said Bucs cornerback Ronde Barber. No one over the weekend was arguing.
I’ll argue that. You see, when you carry a loaded gun into a nightclub, that’s not trouble following you. In fact, that’s more like inviting trouble into your car and having trouble blow you for gas money. OMG! I can’t believe I mishandled a gun while drunk and shot myself in the leg! Talk about snake bitten! CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LUCK? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE?!
b. For all of you wondering about the pros and cons of the MacBook Air, I just want you to know I flew from Newark to Seattle the other day and my battery lasted all the way through Montana.
HE’S TYPING SO FUCKING HARD HE MIGHT BREAK IT! Yes, for the millions of you wondering if a luxury electronic item Peter just purchased would last him 2/3 of the way through a cross-country flight, you at long last have your answer. Thank God. That riddle was torturing me all weekend.
You should see how well the Macbook Air works for Pete when he’s typing emails while driving on the PA turnpike.
Standing in line at Starbucks at this time of year borders on the maddening. The holiday drinks, the sandwiches, the special sprinkles on top of the coffee … Howard Schultz is trying to be too many things to too many people.
“He should only make the things I like! Like the gingerbread mocha with triple foam! I order the SERIOUS drinks, dammit! THERE ARE TOO MANY NON-ELITE FLYERS IN THIS LINE!”
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style
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December 1st, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Smoothie’s a juice drink, we want coffee!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSJTIv-3py4
December 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Every one of his articles should just have this headline over the whole thing: Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
December 1st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
13 bodies and counting on Dat Dude’s weapon. None of them happen to be Peter King.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Standing in line at Starbucks at this time of year borders on the maddening.
King’s experiences at Starbucks are practically straight out of a story written by H.P. Lovecraft!
December 1st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Seriously about the Packer one. Yeah, just “punch it in” when the other 3 running plays didn’t work! Why not?! The field goal would have held if the Packers’ special teams/secondary didn’t blow.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Horrible call. The fuck is he thinking, going for the sure lead, when he could have pointlessly gambled the opportunity away?
After watching the highlight, I think that GB should have gone for it, but their play calling on first, second and third downs was just unimaginative and set them up for the 4th and Goal from the one. Even if they don’t make it, Carolina needs to go the length of the field. GB’s overrated D needed all the help they could get from field position.
Now that’s I’ve agreed with PK, I’ll go quietly kill myself. Thank you.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Funny, but the “NON-ELITE FLYERS” part really cracked me up.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Bad, bad call by Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy in a 28-all tie with two minutes left against Carolina. With a fourth-and-one at the Panther 1, McCarthy kicked the field goal rather than try to punch it in.
BRETTY WOULDA MADE THAT TOUCHDOWN, MCCARTHY! I HATE YOU!
December 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I had a Dunkin Donut’s this morning. I was going to have Starbucks, but I didn’t want to upset anyone behind me in line by ordering an Apple Fritter. If I had brought my gun, it would have been Starbucks.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I wish I had found Marcellus Wiley’s gun so I could shoot my-self after reading PK
December 1st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Manning as the MVP so far, eh…?
This guy is a joke. How does he have a shred of mainstream credibility?
December 1st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
“Hard, but relatively friendly” is the same way King describes his first anal encounter with Favre.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
See, if was Marcus Wiley, I would have driven to Virgina and sold my gun to a pawn shop where the serial number would be filed off and the gun sold to any living, semi-sentient being. But I’m fiscally prudent like that.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
“Let me tell you a story.”
Implicit consent won’t hold up in court, Peter. I NEVER SAID YES!
December 1st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
+808 and heartbreak for the Kanye reference tucked in there
December 1st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
PK’s macbook air is currently giving counsling to Kanye’s
December 1st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
(1) He is a horribly boring story teller, I could barely make it through the 3 sentences it took him to tell the Randy Cross story
(2) if it’s so “maddening” to stand in line why doesn’t the lazy fuck just make his own coffee?
December 1st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
he likes to ogle the ugly baristas and imagine them engaged in a 3way with tony homo and bretty boy, with matty ice filming, of course all of this while sipping a venti no foam no water dirty tazo chai latte.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
@CR: this is the lazy fuck that won’t bring his own facking shampoo and bitched last week about Marriott’s scents…as if any buyer in the Marriott cheap ass toiletries department gave a flying fack about PK’s scent issues.
So he’s got that going for him.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I thought he was talking about the battery for his vibrator.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
His column is 8,400 words … he just loves to hear himself type
December 1st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Is PK now fighting off Kenny Chesney for ass space with Peyton Manning? Peytie isn’t even the MVM — Most Valuable Manning — let alone MVP.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
“…I’d be remiss not to point out that Paul Zimmerman (Dr. Z) suffered two strokes last week.”
I also suffered two strokes last week. Sliced my drive out of bounds on the third hole.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Silly me. I thought dominating your opponents and winning by multiple scores was a good thing. But as it turns out, teams that win by such margins just lack the “pluck” exhibited by the 2008 Colts. Thank you, Peter King, for showing me the way.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“Trouble just follows him. Also, Ellis Hobbs follows him. Five yards away, in the end zone. Ellis Hobbs sucks.” – Ronde Barber
December 1st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
In effect, as I said on NBC last night, when I examine the deal, I see the contract totally on the come.
It’s like it struck him in the face or something.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Was there a Jets game on Sunday? I vaguely remember old Fatty pimping Jay Cutler like he lost a bet, but by HUGE coincidence, no mention of old Bretty.
When was the last time that his pathetic man-crush’s name didn’t appear in MMQB? Probably after the last Jets’ loss or after the last time his editor held an intervention.
/suspects fat prick probably doesn’t have an editor
December 1st, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I used to read PK’s column. Now I just read Drew’s synopsis. He’s pretty good at writing out exactly what I’m thinking when I read that drivel.
“God, this gun is just making me so paranoid. Let me toss it out onto the highway, where a vagrant can find it and commit any number of violent crimes with it, in a hideous spree of savage bloodletting, until the weapon is finally traced. God, I feel so relieved now! That gun won’t be causing ME any more trouble!”
That specifically.
Well done sir.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Did Wiley admit to a felony? I am pretty sure you aren’t allowed to litter your gun. I mean, it’s against the law to not report a stolen gun, so it must be against the law to throw it out of your car.
PK = Snitch. You know what happens to snitches.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I caught the fat shit on NBC last night wearing a hideous, brown checked suit with a faggie brown striped tie. I was thinking Bozo, or Krusty.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
That display yesterday afternoon wasn’t “pluck” is was a late-term abortion.
As a Colts fan who actually understands the game of football, I am appalled at the suggestion of Peyton as MVP. Die in a fire, PK.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:47 pm
With his unironic use of words like “pluck” and “maddening,” shouldn’t he be writing theater reviews instead of football analysis?
Yeah, trouble seems to follow barely literate, gun-toting professional athletes. Go figure.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Why couldn’t Favre have been handling the gun when it went off instead of Plaxico/Harris?
It would have gone right thru PK’s head.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Keep it up. These are dead on and one day he will have to get his shit together and change or respond. Speaking truth to power, now that’s journalism
December 1st, 2008 at 4:28 pm
mostly unrelated, but did anyone hear Berman drop a ‘lucky pierre’ doing a Pierre Thomas/Saints highlight last night?
December 1st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Why the hell does this asstard have a job? Peyton Manning sucked ASS yesterday and he was damn lucky Mathis picked up the fumble and scored. MVP? Fack to the no.
Also, is there any place in the world that has something miniscule that PK doesn’t complain about?
December 1st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I clicked on the link to his original article. A few thoughts…
a) Why is your column 6 pages long? Fuck you asshole nobody has that kind of time. You’re a prick. Then again, Easterbrook’s TMQ is right in the ballpark too at about 18 pages. Lesson: columns titled _____ Morning Quarterback are written by giant self-absorbed pricks.
b) Peyton Manning is the top MVP candidate? Why is PK suddenly blowing Peyton? What happened to Brett? Elisha’s playing better than him, cunt.
c) The Giants have a contract that doesn’t blatantly throw guaranteed money at Plaxico and is actualy based on performance and actually showing up to games? And you mean to tell me he actually doesn’t get the money if he goes to jail? You’re actually trying to tell me that a multi-billion dollar organization actually had someone think of all that? They must be fucking prophets!!
Conclusion: Cut the shit sugartits.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Peter King is the Brett Favre of retards. Wait, uh…
December 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
So by sheer coincedence I discovered something. Look at the picture of Peter King and play Marky Mark “Good Vibrations” and tell me he isn’t listening to it in the picture.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:29 pm
The MVP stuff has gone too far. It’s not just Peter King. It is every prick who writes a column for SI, ESPN, or gets his fat face on tv for long enough to pimp a quarterback for MVP. So far this year I have heard Drew Brees, Kerry Collins, Kurt Warner, Peyton Manning, and Matt Cassel all said to be in the MVP chase. A qb shouldn’t even be in the top 10 for MVP discussion this year. AP, Portis, Haynesworth, Michael Turner, Anquan Terminator Boldin…there are so many more deserving guys. I hate the qb love in college football and the nfl. Screw you Peter King.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
“b. Lance Moore is one heck of a player. He’s getting to be the NFC’s Wes Welker.”
Of cooooooooooooooooooooooooourse.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Peter King is the Brett Favre of retards. Wait, uh…