Today, Chiefs fans, I resign with my head held high. For you see, I have just laid down the final piece in a foundation that shall secure this franchise another title sometime within the next sixty to seventy centuries. With my brave and daring decision to add to the club by subtracting myself, the final stage of my intricate rebuilding plan can at last be set into motion. You average Joe fans out there who have no clue about what it takes to run a successful organization may not understand it now. But rest assured I have officially put this franchise on the right track.

Now the club can go out and secure top tier players like Jared Allen, had I not traded Allen away. And they can hire a coach who won’t shit his pants during the last 90 seconds of a half. And they can actually invest some time and effort into addressing the QB position. I, Carl Peterson, have made this so. No, no, no, Chiefs fans. Don’t thank me. The pleasure of giving you the model franchise you see before you today was all my own. For I have planted a great phoenix in this pile of soggy ashes! HUZZAH!