Midwesterners Love Their Cold Like Kornheiser Loves a Hot Favre Injection
A season of Monday Night Football draws to a close (pleasebeTK’slastpleasebeTK’slast) with another night of 10,000 Favre mentions and Tony Kornheiser raving about the existence of team songs. “YOU MEAN TO TELL ME EVERY TEAM HAS A SONG, JAWS?! WHAT TRULY BIZARRE RITUALS THESE FANS HAVE!” Trailing 17-10 in the 4th, the Bears were able to tie the game after a dubious-looking 4th down conversion by Matt Forte inside the Packers’ 5. Forte then then scored on the next play. Mason Crosby had a potentially winning kick blocked in the waning moments, then the coin flip caromed off Brian Urlacher’s helmet. The Bears then marched down the field to put a night of punts and interceptions to a close and piss off many a teased Vikings fan.
I know it’s the Bears and the Packers and therefore it’s sepia-toned gritball voiced by John Facenda, but goddamn do all of their fans brag about nothing else but their tolerance of cold weather? We get it, you’ve acclimated yourselves admirably to harsh weather conditions. Just shut the fuck up about it already.
Seriously? You brought a wall thermometer to the fucking game? That must have been a funny stroll through security. “No, no, I only have it so I can point it at the camera like a douche. Oh, and if it drops below six degrees, I explode into cancerous spores, so I gotta keep an eye on that.”
Good team, bad team, whatever. We don’t give a shit about football. We’re only a 60,000-plus member chapter of the Polar Bears, boisterously shaming the rest of the nation for not being dumbfucks out in the cold like us.
If it isn’t Tommy from Quinzee’s Windy City cousin, Eddie from [Chicago-area locality where douches breed, fill me in, I don't know]
More shirtless cockwallets! More! This time carrying Sprite bottles no doubt filled with laced soda.
Wasn’t this guy punching chicks in Wicker Man?
Move over, John Wayne Gacy. Chicago’s got a new ultracreepy serial killer on the prowl. Holy hell, this fucker probably had an infant’s corpse concealed inside that bear costume.
See, that’s more like it. This guy’s no danger to anyone but himself. That and the person he probably keeled over onto in the 4th quarter, but only after exposing them to his basso profundo rendition of Bear Down, Chicago Bears.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 am
is that a fucking person next to that man flagging down the sausage vendor. HOLY SHIT he looks weird
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:28 am
and hopefully the young mickey rourke up there with the shitty stainless steel cuban link chain will develop pneumonia…..hopefully
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:29 am
plenty of tools from downers grove IL
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:44 am
the statement under “Teams at 20″ in the first photo is a blasphemygasm. pure anti-Sexy hateslinging.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:59 am
I thought Ignatius J. Reilly lived in New Orleans.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:01 am
“Eddie” there is likely from Bridgeport, or, even better, Alsip (onetime home of Tom Gamboa’s nemesis, William Ligue Jr.).
bfreakin3, while a number of tools reside in Downers Grove, they’re of a different breed–Downers types are trying desperately to be yuppies. The South Side/south suburbs (Alsip, Stickney, Palos anything etc.) are full of people who think SNL’s “The Superfans” are a loving tribute and not a vicious caricature.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:05 am
“NO FAN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING” Hey, really, Kornheiser? He’s says this as the Bears are driving to tie the game, a game, by the way, in which they stay alive for the playoffs with a win. The fact that fans remain in the stands in a competitive game with playoff implications for their team is ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE. WHY AREN’T THESE RETARDS TRYING TO BEAT TRAFFIC? BEARS FANS LIKE THE BEARS?
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:42 am
I believe the “Chicago-area locality where douche bags breed” is known as Lincoln Park.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 am
DAAAAAAAA-bears da-bears da-bears da-bears da-bears da-bears da-bears
Linkin Park is a band where douche bags scream into other douche bags penis’.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:19 am
umm cabrini greens anyone???
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:20 am
or schaumburg/ barrington for the opposite, yet same effect?
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:51 am
Lincoln Park is ABSOLUTELY the correct answer; “My gosh, it’s like I’m in the city, but so much better than being in the city. My loft is just sooooooo cool.” Sit on barbed wire, Lincoln Park.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:54 am
That last guy’s rendition of Bear Down has nothing on this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sct9igr7wMA
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 am
BOBBY WADE LIED TO ME!
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:57 am
I thought Berrian promised victory. Time to man up for the Giants JV squad (I hope).
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:57 am
Um…..what the FUCK is that blue thing beside the fat guy in that last pic?
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:09 am
“basso profundo”
Nice.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:15 am
I would just go w/ Wrigleyville based on the preponderance of roofie-coladas.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:25 am
the problem with Eddie is that the guy in the last pic is a WAY better example of your common loud mouth Bears fan
/has seen a similarly proportioned man have a heart attack during a game in similar weather at Soldier Field
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:40 am
@Hochuli Goes Bananas and @anon
You guys are absolutely correct. Alsip for the single douche showing off his under armour. For groups of douches still living the frat life, Lincoln Park is perfect. I’m sure they took the bus from Kincaids with the keg in the back for the trip.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am
I thought I was the only person who saw Wicker Man.
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:55 am
“Wasn’t this guy punching chicks in Wicker Man?”
Wicker Man the movie = terrible
Wicker Man the song by Iron Maiden = kick ass
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 am
Holy shit! Anyone frequenting this site will draw the conclusion that attending an NFL game is reserved for total douches and retards.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:34 am
@Favre: Well, nobody’s gonna be making fun of the 50-something guy that’s sitting quietly in the seats he’s had for thirty years, now are they?
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
That 200 lb cougar is eyeing up Eddie’s rear like it’s breakfast.
What’s with the niners hat with wicker man?
Hopefully that was TK’s last game.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:40 am
Actually, those guys are douches too. Ever gotten tickets from a season ticket holder who isn’t going to use them? That fat guy who’s “come to every single game for twenny seasons, except when my mothuh had a hawt attack” loves lecturing new faces all game on how much better of a fan he is than you. Asshole.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 am
TC: I am with you. And really, the Packer fan next to nekkid chest boy really doesn’t get out much, from the looks of it.
Dan Patrick clearly was live blogging last night under cover; he brought up the National Football League as said by Jaws and other ex-players. And the TK Favre love.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Wait!!! Bears fans wave towels too? Someone call Ape STAT!
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:03 am
Kornheiser was especially bad last night. This was my personal favorite from last night: “Here in Chicago, it is amazing. They cheer their defense on 3rd down. THE DEFENSE! You don’t hear these fans cheering for the offense, you hear them cheering for the defense. ON 3RD DOWN! They are so used to inept offenses, they only cheer the defense.”
Well fuck me Tony, you mean to tell me Bears fans cheer their defense on 3rd down. You knew who else does that? Every other fan base for every other football team at any level of football ever!!! FUCK!!
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 am
Oh, and if I ever have to hear TK start his second half commentary with, “If I were writing a column,” I’m gonna have to resort to shooting speedballs to ease the pain. Motherfucker, you are announcing, not writing, so no one fucking cares about what “witty” angle you would come up with for your shitty column.
/waiting for the Bears to lose to the Texans next week after this Week 16 cocktease
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Yeah, the last guy looks more like “Eddie from over dere on the Sout Side” The douche in his UA probably comes from Boy’s Town on Broadway.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
As someone who lives in Lincoln Park, and is also a douche, I can confirm that there are a ton of douches like myself here. However, if you’re going for the Easily Stereotyped Sports Douche — like Tawmmy — South Side suburbs are the place for you. Down there, people actually think Mike Ditka should run for governor. They’re not joking.
Yuppies or no yuppies, it does not get any douchier than that.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:20 am
“eddie from aurora” has a nice ring to it.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:21 am
Suzy lay there like a slug. It was her only defense.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 am
@Devin Hester
That was my second favorite piece of TK stupidity. I still can’t get over his disbelief that Lovie Smith asks his players to score points off the turnover as soon as possible. WHAT KIND OF COACH TELLS HIS TEAM TO SCORE POINTS?!?!?! WHAT A MAVERICK!
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:36 am
Is it just me or is that last picture absolutely terrifying? The fact that they are Bears fans, the fat guy’s ridiculously tiny right hand, and the WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING ON THE LEFT!?; I’ve got nightmare fuel for a while.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Aurora is home to Wayne’s World. So, Eddie from Aurora won’t make any sense. I agree with Eamonn though. Lincoln Park/Wrigleyville is just about the douchiest place in the universe. It’s ironically nestled right next to Boystown, which is probably the gayest place in the universe. Seriously, it’s like Gay Disney World. There are cock flume log rides and everything.
The problem is that no one from Chicago actually lives in LP or Wrigleyville. It’s all out of towners, such as myself.
You could either go with Chad From Lincoln Park for generic doucheiness, or Bill from Cicero for Chicago-flavored douchiness.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
For Eddie, look no further than the Southside of Chicago. Ashburn, Mt. Greenwood, Evergreen, Burbank, Crestwood, Alsip, pick one. It’s the Jersey Shore of Chicago.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I never saw Wickerman but I wild gladly sit through that shit to find out why a muphucka dressed as a bear is Laurence Philliping chicks. He came with that Happy Gilmore running start ahahahaha. By the way I don’t condone beating the shit out of women. Just shitting in their closets.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Personally I would nominate Naperville as Douch Central for Chicago suburbs, but i’ve never met anyone from there man enough to stand in that weather without a shirt… But for douches, that city ranks right up there.
Oh, and Fuck the Packers. Learn how to not get a field goal bloacked, assholes…
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Don’t overlook the socio-economics of Chicago Douchery. Most Lincoln Park and Wrigleyville douche money is invested in expensive hair product that comes in tins the same color of lime green as the appletinis that are the region’s second most important economic indicator.
South suburb douches invest mainly in that one casino down by da Indiana state line. Ya know, da one wit the billboard wit Ditka on it wit da ceegar and da fistfulla hunded doller bills.
Tommy’s cousin. however appears to be the Schamburg douche, the type that invests their money mainly in spoilers and hood scoops for the 2002 Lancer they drive into downtown on the Eisenhower, while thinking real hard about maybe taking some classes at Upper Iowa University, once they bank just a bit more from their job at the Woodfield Mall food court.
/probably getting in a fistfight in Chicago on New Years
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:48 am
@ Brooke
I had forgotten about that. Luckily Jaws called him out on that one. “Everyone in the National Football League coaches that Tony.”
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:08 am
Quincy is a dump of a city, it used to have a lot of factories and a huge shipyard. Everything is now closed. Tawmmy’s father probably used to work at the shipyard till he got laid off. Tawmmy wanted to be a machinist, but with all the factories moving south, he gave up on that dream. I’m pretty sure he is an on again, off again drywaller for his cousin Jackie.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Eddie’s from Naperville and his daddy bought him season tickets. if you don’t agree, you don’t know shit about Chicago suburbs.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 am
The shirtless douchebags definitely live in the city. Whether Wrigleyville or not, they’re the ones in the bleachers at Wrigley getting wasted and trying to pick up girls (and paying no attention to the game).
The fat guys have got to be from da Sout’ Side. A suburb, though, because they don’t want to live too close to the “cullid.” Alsip, Stickney, Lansing, some shithole like that.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 am
Um…Eddie’s obviously from Boy’s Town. He looks gayer than a purse full of rainbows.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
@ devin hesters speech coach
Seriously, what is with announcers going apeshit over crowds cheering on defensive third downs? Michaels and Madden were cumming all over themselves in the Panthers/Giants game the other night about how savvy the Giants fans were for knowing to stand up and cheer on third down. Am I missing something? Doesn’t this happen in every stadium/arena/playground/alley in America? Is there some team I haven’t seen whose fans collectively thumb their assholes on third down?
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Definitely Schaumburg. I graew up not to far from there and the suburban clubs are filled with jager-bomb types. I live in Lincoln Park and could not find 1 let alone 3 friends to go to the game for free. I highly doubt any of us in LP were at the game. Now if you’re looking for the Saturday night live stereotype they reside on the Southside.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Eddie from Mattoon?
Sorry, Will.
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
If it isn’t Tommy from Quinzee’s Windy City cousin, Eddie from [Chicago-area locality where douches breed, fill me in, I don't know]
I’d second Schaumburg, but at least it’s got new office buildings and such … I think Gary IN is also an acceptable location for douchbaggery …
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
As someone who lives in Lincoln Park, I can confirm that there are plenty of douches. However, they are not the type of douches who take their shirts off at a 2 degree football game. They’re more of the “date-rapey” kind of douches who are probably watching the game in a bar and shouting down a lone Packers fan from the comfort of their group. To get the “Tawmmy” type of douches, you have to go to the South Side. Alsip is a perfect example.
By the way, I went to the game last night, so I didn’t get to see who made it onto TV, but I want to know about two people in particular who definitely should have. One was a guy in a full length fur coat and a fur hat (maybe he was going for the Bear look). The other was a girl in a bikini and a trench coat. Anyone see either of these on TV?
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Eddie is most likely from Evanston or Lake Forest… enough money to get out of the city, with the ability to tell people he’s from “Chicago” because they won’t know any better.
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I hope that Wicker Man impersonator wasn’t carrying a “Bearable Towel”
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Eddie is the the type of douche(like me) that posts in the comment sections! We are the biggest douchi of dem all!
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Lincoln Park is full of douches but they are young professional douches. And Lincoln Park is a neighborhood in Chicago, not a blue collar border town like Quincy, MA. Let’s keep our douche genus and species straight. I think Tinley Park would be a good parallel to Quincy. It’s more white than Quincy, less black, and suprisingly less Asian. Quincy has a 15% Asian population. Has Tommy ever commented on this fact? Cicero, IL would be another good choice but that is even more of a hole than Quincy, MA. If you took equal parts Cicero and Tinley Park you’d have something approaching Quincy but with more burrito shops and fewer dry cleaners.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@ MiniDitka- I too was at the game, and I saw the bikini shot that was put up on the big screen, a girl willing to sacrifice her health to show off her cans is ok in my book. In addition, as someone who resides on the South Side (in the city), I’d have to say that the ‘Tawmmy’ of Chicago most definitely lives in Alsip (albeit more white trash than pure douche).
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Can we all just agree that Chicago is full of douchebags and move on???
/still bitter about last night’s game
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Biggest douchebags in Chicago come from Beverly and Bridgeport. They get the added bonus of the really bad Chicago accents, too.
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
The problem with asking where the Chicago douchebags come from seems to be that everyone here is really adamant about proclaiming their own neighborhood to be douchiest. Yes, Lincoln Park has douchebags, but they have Neutral-Milk-Hotel-loving douchebags. Football is too lower-middle class for them to appreciate. It’s the opiate of the masses.
That guy in the picture, though, isn’t indicative of Chicago douchiness. That guy is a twat anywhere, he just happens to be on-screen at a Bears game. Yes, he’s probably a suburban dickweed who says he’s from Chicago when he’s off at a well-regarded liberal arts school along the east coast just to make it sound like he’s hard, but he’s not a Chicago sports-douche. Say what you will about Tawwmy, but the dude loves him some sports. That prick in the photo just loves manscaping.
A Chicago sports douchebag will be from a working class area–sorry Wrigleyville. He’s a Canaryviller (how do you know the toothbrush was invented in Canaryville? If it was invented anywhere else, it’d be called a teethbrush.) or a Bridgeporter, and then every other word out of that fuck’s mouth will be about his uncle Tony who’s on a 5-7 year vacation somewhere, or just 3 if he keeps quiet.
The prick’s from Growing Up Gatti could have been from Bridgeport if they wore more hair shellack.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
nobody from lincoln park, or wrigleyville would be sitting that high up! come on, we all know that fool is from berywn or riverside!
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
That’s not a clock…it’s a log base 10 cholesterol meter.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
tawmy from quinzee seems to have quite a few relatives
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:06 pm
That douche is from Naperville or Schaumburg. If he’s a city boy, Boystown’s his neighborhood.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Lincoln Park is the correct answer.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
The consensus here seems to be that the shirtless one hails from Schaumburg, Naperville, Barrington, that area. I’d agree. But really, literally any suburb of Chicago contains abundant numbers of douches like Eddie
December 23rd, 2008 at 8:38 pm
@ Ron Santo’s Legs:
Most suburbs of Chicago contain abundant douches… But not all.
There aren’t a whole lot of “eddies” in Winnetka, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Libertyville, Kenilworth, Mettawa, Lake Bluff, Northbrook, or Deerfield. Granted that’s probably less than 1% of the Chicagoland population… those suburbs do control 85% of the money.
December 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I can tell you this much, it doesn’t matter what town in Wisconsin those packers fans are from, they are all pompous assholes who pray to Favre more than TK, Peter King, and who knows who else, and who talk about the Jets as if they have been Jets fans for their whole life when in fact they are confusing the Jets with their now terribly fudgepacking useless team.
But just for fucks sake we’ll say they from Oconomowoc because it’s a fucked up word.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
The greatness of the Chicago metropolitan area is that Eddie could have come from anywhere. Orland Park, Naperville, Schaumburg, Barrington, the breeding grounds for entitled white douchebags are plentiful.
Lincoln Park is the incorrect answer for the fact that the douches there know nothing about sports, and would never shed their Club Monaco/Ed Hardy shirts when it’s 10 below zero. If you’re looking for a true relative of Tommy, look at the true South Side. The birthplace of the entitled Chicago Tough Sports Fan, who thinks his teams are full of pussies that never would have cut in back in his day, except for the Blackhawks because they are good again and they are all white so it’s ok to like them. But that Derrick Rose, what a fucking asshole.
December 24th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Uh, okay. So…I’m a girl, and I have to put up with all your fucking cheerleader pics all the time…show me some respect and let me have my dirty little moment with Eddie, but no. you guys totally trash him.
He might be stupid but I don’t need him to talk to me.
December 24th, 2008 at 1:20 am
why has no one suggested lemont/lockport.
douchiness extravaganza there
December 29th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Alsip is currently the king of shirtless sports douchiness, right? That’s where whatsisname and his kid who ran onto the field during a White Sox game to beat up a Royals coach were from.
December 30th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
For Chicago Area douches, I nominate Gary, IN or maybe Coal City.