My girlfriend couldn’t make it to her massage appointment so instead of canceling the appointment and losing the money, she asked me to go and take her place. I figured what the hell, a massage never hurt anybody. So I show up, and much to my chagrin, it’s a fucking dude masseuse who greets me and tells me he will be taking care of me. I’m a little anxious at first, not comfortable enough with the thought of a dude rubbing oils on me instead of a woman. But I eventually get to a relaxed state and forget it’s actually man-hands that are rubbing all this tension out. Unfortunately this relaxation spreads to my nether regions and I pop a boner. I was on my stomach at the time, so it went unnoticed to the male masseuse. But it’s the deeper implications that are gnawing at me. Do I have anything to worry about? Would other males experience a similar reaction in the given circumstances?

Oh, yeah. Pierre Thomas (against TEN) or Steve Slaton (at CHI)?

I don’t have some crazy sex story about fucking twin 21 old sisters or banging my buddy’s grandma or wondering if nasal sex is even a possibility with a penis even as small as mine or having a chick dress up like an African tribal women and fucking her brains out while she balances a water jug on her head or anything cool like that. Although I am banging a chick who is solid and easy to please, but is so fucking quiet I could bang her under a pew in church and no one would ever know, I just need to know who to start. Neck Beard vs. Nahlins or Thigpen vs. Marmalard. It’s the fucking playoffs and a win this week gets me in the cash.

dAndy – Owner – Yahoo Team TellMeHowMyAssTaste!

Okay, I’m starting my playoffs and I have a QB choice of Cutler @Panthers or Rodgers @Jags. I’ve also got an RB choice of Michael Turner vs. Tampa (stifled in week 2) or Jonathan Stewart vs. Denver.

On a related note, I’m starting Eddie Royal over Lee Evans at flex because it’s the playoffs and it’s Lee “Fuck You” Evans. Anyway, your thoughts?

On the sex side of things, I like my girlfriend’s figure as-is (thick but not fat with big titties) but I would like to make sure her weight never goes into Rosie O’Donnell territory. I’m 1000% sure that if I so much as hint that she should keep an eye on her weight (even if I word it into “WE should watch our weight”) I’m pretty sure there’s no boom-boom until February 2009. How can I broach the subject and still continue to get laid whenever I feel like it? She’s the submissive one in bed, so “sex as a workout” won’t cut it.

Regards,

1. When sexing my lady recently, I noticed that when downward pressure was applied to my member, as m’lady leaned back, I felt a snapping sensation within my abdomen; as if the internal tethers holding the mast aloft had become un-moored. Has this ever happened to you/do you think it’s cause for concern? Put another way: Is my dick broke? Since then, I haven’t felt the same sensation again, but there’s a creeping fear that something could have gone horribly awry and my 1/9th Shiancoe Shank will suddenly drop during the act like so many towels in NFL locker-rooms.

2. In the semis, and by now I have a falcon-heavy lineup. I’m currently starting White. Turner and Elam; favoring Matt Cassell and Vincent Jackson over Matty Ice and Hugh Douglas. Should I just go for broke, and go Full Falcon Mod, praying that the Falcons dominate TB in search of their own playoffs, or keep the risk spread around as it is now?

Best,

Also: Chris Johnson @ HOU or Michael Turner @ TB?

Yeah, I was reading one of these aloud to my wife and she pointed out that, yes, Cosmo does reccomend ‘ass play’ in damn near every article about ‘things that will surprise you about your man’, etc…how exactly did you know this? This still does not make it advice to be followed.

Here goes: I’m in the semifinals. I’m starting Philip Rivers, Andre Johnson, Housh, Bo Scaife, Jason Elam, and my Pitts Defense. That being said, i have to fill two running back slots and a flex. I’ve got Ronnie Brown (who I will probably start), Sammy Morris (who is admittedly looking good against a craptacular Raiders D), Jamal Lewis (who is blowing tons of asses as of late), Willie Parker (up against a staunch Ravens D), Le’Ron McClain (who is just so fucking iffy) and Leon Washington (only in his RB capacity, not including kickoff/punt returns). For open WRs, I have Lance Moore (up against a shitty bears pass defense, but a cold night at soldier field), and Randle El (against one of the worst teams of all time). Any suggestions?

I don’t need any sex advice seeing as how my hot-as-hell girlfriend is totally awesome and amazing in bed (and a great cook, and funny, and smart, and a HUGE steelers fan). She also loves this site and knows my fantasy roster and would love to read this on the site. In fact, she’s the one that introduced me to the electronically located house page of your footingball critiques. However, if you’d like to offer up some prescient sex advice, please feel free (but i’d prefer the fantasy advice).

I’m in a league with a friend I’ve know for the past three years. He’s a pretty good guy and he’s one of those fantasy players that always gets his money in on time, pays out quickly (when he was GM) and seems to know his stuff during the draft. However, I think his girlfriend of 8 months might be cheating on him. That is to say, I got a blowjob from his girlfriend of 8 months.

I don’t know how to tell him without being a total douche. So, I was thinking of changing my team name in our ESPN.com league to: [Friend Name] your girlfriend gave me head at [other friend name]’s wedding. And then include a picture of her as my league logo. Too over the top?

Phillip Rivers or Kerry Collins this week?

I’m on a serious dryspell and need your help… the last time I picked up a girl, I brought her back to my friends parents house (I also live with my parents, and his parents are much cooler when it comes to allowing late night fornication). However, the hook up ended up going to shit because we were on the coach in the family room and apparently my friends father is a vietnam vet and an insomniac and was running around the house chain smoking cigs like a meth-addicted vampire. Do I just bite the bullet and pull girls back to my parents house, consequences (and probable eviction) be damned? Do I drag my hook up around the neighborhood late at night searching for a neighbors swing set like the playground fucker from last week? Do I just fuck her on the ice covered driveway in 10 degree weather and toss her in a cab when I’m done? What’s the best option for a piss-broke fuck like me trying to get some ass in the dead cold of an upstate winter?

Also, my flex options are looking like my sex options since McGahee fell off the face of the Earth (fuck you very much Coach Harbaugh). Branch, Coles, or Fargas this week?

I’ve been dating this girl for a little while and the other night I thought things were about to go down the only road to Fucktown. We were doing a lot of heavy petting and whatnot when she starts giving me a handjob. Now, like any other red-blooded American male would do I politely told her that a handjob’s a man’s job and a blowjob’s yo’ job. She abruptly stopped and told me she thinks we should just be friends. She still stayed the night that night and she hasn’t stopped texting me asking me when we’re going to get together again. What should I tell this cocktease?

Also, I’m fucked with my RB situation since Peyton Hillis’ hamstring blew up. I have two RB spots and a flex position for Willie Parker, Dominic Rhodes, Cadillac Williams, Sammy Morris and Mewelde Moore. My WRs are Welkaaaah, Bowe, Braylon Edwards and Toomer. What should I do?

Two very important choices to make here:

For two RB positions I have B-Jake vs Dallas, Sammy Morris vs Oakland, and Tashard Choice vs. the Giants. Jacobs and ???

For my penis I have a 41-year-old MILF who is a no-doubter, but may require more gay relationshippy B.S. than I care to get into right now and a 28-year-old bisexual who just got out of a relationship with a live-in girlfriend, and is about a 50/50 to actually eff me. Do I go with the sure-thing (I want to stay in the game, but big boobs….oh god those titties are amazing, even with some of the elasticity gone) or do I go with the possible totally awesome rebound sex with the small-but-not-zero possibility of a three-way in the future? (Relevant info: relations with one will probably prevent relations with the other due to time constraints, as both have other suitors. Also, a threeway with both is out of the question. And the bisexual girl is probably 85% lesbian, but thinks I’m hot “for a guy,”* so I doubt she wants a relationship.)

* – What does that mean? Is that good? Fuck, women don’t get any less retarded as I get older, do they?

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 years now and about a month ago we kinda called things off. Problem is, this girl was sexual goddess and there is not much I wanted to do that she would object to. Anyways, it’s my birthday this weekend. Since we’d been together me and her had a mutual understanding that during birthday week, all rules are off. By all rules are off, I mean that I pretty much demand ass play (on her) when we get together.

Now tell me, do I go ahead and start trying to talk to her and flirt with her again this week in hopes of pretending we never called things off so I can get some ass again? We have the same mutual friends so I’m sure she’ll be at the clubs with all of us celebrating the birthday but I’m not sure if I should make the move or not. Help!

Oh, do I start Jonathan Stewart against a flaccid Denver defense or Reggie Bush in snowstormy Chicago weather? PPR league.

I’ve been seeing the gal for a short while, but we’ve finally progressed to the point of fooling around. After a few minutes of giving her shame cave a tongue bathing, she informs me that what I was doing was uncomfortable. I then ask her where she believes I should focus my attention, and she tells me, “My clit,” while pointing out her urethra. I attempted to correct her, but that led to a big shift in the mood and me discovering a case of blue balls. Should I be more diligent in changing my technique, or set this one free and find a woman who has some knowledge of her lady-parts?

I’ve also been fortunate enough to wander into my fantasy playoffs, but I’m stumped as to whom I should start in my WR/RB flex position. Should I slot in Calvin Johnson, Dominic Rhodes, or Ronnie Brown to help me to the Championship game?

So I’ve been trying to hook up with this one girl for a week or two, but this past weekend, due to a conspiracy of alcohol, and my habitual love of fucking up my personal well-laid plans (GET IT?), I banged her ugly roommate instead. Unpleasantly, I’m sure, I was semi-conscious for the duration. Do I have any hope of ever getting the original girl now? How should I proceed?

Also, I have Favre and McNabb as my QBs. I get to start one. I have never once chosen the correct one to start (for instance, Favre playing the Titans? I better start Donovan. Donovan ends up getting yanked in the first quarter). So who do I start?

1. So last Friday I get back in my apartment from the bars absolutely mangled and do what seemed like a great idea at the time (and still seems like a great idea, to be honest): threw two (I guess I was hungry) pizzas in the oven and loaded up one of my favorite pornos. Next thing I know, I feel somebody/something hitting me, so I wake up to the smell of smoke and the porno still blaring on the TV. In my daze, I think I’m ok. Unfortunately that is not the case. My girlfriend is standing over me, and I look down to find my pants at my ankles. I try to sit up, and feel something weird on my chest. That’s right, I blew my load on my chest and passed out, with two pizzas in the oven. It’s been about 3 days, and my girlfriend still won’t talk to me. How the hell do I explain myself? (side note: the gf was driving back to my place after visiting friends that night when she happened upon this ridiculous scene)

Fantasy: pick 3 out of these 5 RB’s: chris johnson, deang williams, addai, gore, slaton. (6-team league, everyone is stacked)

Thanks,