Some people may find it curious that I’m bothering to announce my retirement now, when I haven’t played since last year. The timing of the Saints-Falcons game is a nice touch, but not really why I’m bowing out now.

Spare me the geriatrics jokes. Yeah, I’m an old man. I still got it. But even as a kicker, it takes a lot of work to stay in football shape when you’re out of the game and waiting for that phone call.

Have to tell the press the right things. The God-honest truth is I could keep going. It’s been a good run. I’d go far as to say a blessing. And I’m not much one for religion. ‘Cause we outlawed it in Europe.

Even with the records, it’s not about a lack of motivation. I could play the game until they put me deep in the ground.

But, man, once I get my hands on that Dark Knight Blu-Ray tomorrow, I’m not doing shit for six months. Possibly not ever again. You might think that last comeback with the Falcons was to establish myself as the highest scorer in NFL history? Pfft, that ain’t nothing. I was all about cultivating my weed contacts through Ookie, and oh did I ever. My friends over in Amsterdam can only dream about the sticky I can dig up.

I couldn’t get fucked up when I saw Dark Knight on IMAX over the summer ’cause I had the wife with me and she doesn’t approve. Typical. Do you know how pretty movies look in Blu-Ray? I stuck Wall-E in the other day and never watched the movie ’cause I kept staring at the menu screen for three hours.

But a good movie? I’m done. DONE.

I wish you could see this, Ookie. It’s like they invented it for you.