It Finally Happened! I Stared At Derrick Mason Too Long!
Coach Harbaugh warned me what would happen, but he’s the only receiver I trust. I should have heeded his stern warnings. Sure, Mark Clayton made some insane catches against the Bengals, but I faced tougher defenses in Division II 1-AA football. Mason’s my boy!
Months and months of staring down Derrick Mason over every dropback has fixed his image in my mind permanently. I can’t shake it.
Just the other day, I went to the CVS to pick out some more eyebrow wax, and I get up to the cashier and I see this.
I almost fell off the endcap of tacky Baltimore Christmas gewgaws. Luckily, my mind came to after a few seconds, but every time he appears it’s longer. By the end of the season, who knows if he’ll go away at all.
Sure, seeing Derrick open on the football field is a welcome sight, but I really don’t need him occupying my every thought. Soon, I won’t be able to watch movies.
Or even the news.
I mean, we could run Le’Ron McClain and Ray Rice on every play. They’re pretty good. But sooner or later we’re gonna have to pass the ball. And that means more and more searing Derrick into my unconscious. Goddammit, why does Todd Heap have to stay in and block? I need someone else to lock onto!
Could be worse, I guess. It could be Barbara Mikulski. Jesus. Why does every woman in Baltimore look like her?
Tags: bert flacco, xmas ape
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
So when does Mason laugh and stick bananas in Flacco’s tailpipe?
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Excellent use of grammar to enhance the postmodernist feel of this piece.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Excellent use of LOLZ.
Hey, at least the Ravens have a passing game now. You know, as opposed to that thing they had with Kyle Boller.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I’ve been waiting for this post Ape. I’ve noticed your subtle references in previous weeks, I knew it had to be coming. I hate it so much, but in all fairness, you could not be more dead on about Baltimore women. It’s so depraved I’m contemplating my company’s offer to move me to Philadelphia.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Derrick Mason’s telling of the time he played basketball against Prince was hysterical.
Game – blouses
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Is that the ‘Quick Stop’ in that first image? If so, “Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!”
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Beyonce pouring sugar on Mason’s dick?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I’ve never seen a man with a double chin have such a well-defined first chin. Remarkable.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Flacco was the inspiration for Bert from “Sesame Street.” True story.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Funny, everytime I go into CVS it’s usually Hines Ward yelling at me to get out.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Question: What nationality is the Flac Jacket?
I say he’s Italian, but my Dad says he’s Greek. I tried to Wikipedia it but they got nuthin, nuthin I says.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I’m pretty sure he’s American
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I love the “Bert” Flacco reference. It’s fantastic.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
@Pemulis: You know what I mean, you rotten bastid. What’s the old country? My racist Italian father cannot sleep until he finds out.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Does D-II even exist? I’m guessing it’s only out in the Midwest and involves colleges where people go to school to learn how to drive tractors and properly impregnate sheep.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
According to Wiki, he’s listed in the Italian-American category. Maybe he can be Tony Sparano’s kind-hearted son?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Judging by his eyebrows, I’d say he’s a Slav.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
“Purple camouflage pants” should be a tag on any post featuring this Balmor asshole.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
His name is Joseph Vincent, and he’s from Jersey. He has to be Italian, right?
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:03 pm
“No way a paisan would stare down a moolie like that. Am I right????”
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
But does it mention if he has a proclivity for rice calls and malapropisms (not to be confused with priapisms)?
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Rice balls! Rice balls! What a turrrble typo.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
delaware plays d1aa football, assclown
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
If you aren’t sure what Barbara Mikulski looks like, I implore you not to Google her. This will be my last post, as I’ll be gouging my own eyes out after clicking submit. I only hope I can spare others my terrible fate.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
delaware plays d1aa football, assclown
Close enough.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Please make the next Ravens post funny. Thank you.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
If I can’t impress someone who thinks “Phlacco Phan” is clever, why even bother?
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 pm
It’s not I-AA anymore, it’s the FCS.
http://petespoll.com/petesiaahistory.shtml
NOW WHO’S THE ASSCLOWN!
Wait, it’s actually me. Because your name indicates that you have a Mullet, and I do not.
I am less of a man than you, senor.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:17 am
I once had a neighbour from Baltimore. She made Courtney Love look like a Disney Princess.
Not knowing how much worse it could get, I chose not to heed MarionCobretti and went a-Googling.
She looks feisty. I’ll bet she was quite a hottie back in Eisenhower’s day.
/Ashton Kutcher is picking up the cougar-phone as we speak
December 4th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Many Balmer women do indeed look like the lady senator. However, if you think that they all do, I recommend that you visit Scores, the Hustler Club, or Fantasies.
Now, any club on The Block other than Larry Flynt’s establishment may well feature a Mikulski clone.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:47 am
I love you Joe! You brought passing game to my Ravens!
December 4th, 2008 at 4:05 am
@Marion
Too late to save me from something that I”ll never be able to unsee. The horror….
December 4th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I can think of worse things than seeing Derrick Mason everywhere I go. Like…I don’t know, having your head jammed completely into the rectum of an 800-pound woman who hasn’t bathed in nine years and uses a bedpan.
That’s pretty bad.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:27 am
“Hey this Joe Flacco kid is pretty good, sure is taking to the pro level quickly!”
“How right you are! And he is turning a historically shitty passing offense into a competent balanced attack with a bunch of shitty receivers! Very impressive!”
APE: “NO HE FUCKING SUCKS. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. THERE CAN BE ONLY OOOOOOONNEEEEEEEE PHENOM ROOKIE QUARTERBACK.”
harf harf indeed
December 4th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Jesus Christ, Ahmad. You’re such a fucking idiot. I didn’t say Flacco sucks. Any Ravens fan will tell you he stares down Mason on passing plays, but it works most of the time, so why not? He is a rookie, after all. That’s what I’m making fun of, but somehow it’s all part of my plan to make Ben look good. Dipshit.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I’m thinking Ravens fans need to be the subject of a KSK post. They’re getting a little too uppity over that 8 – 4 record.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:20 am
That lucky bastard, Mason. I guess I should’ve played ball in high school after all. But knowing my luck I would’ve gotten a piggy back scholarship to Michigan State only to find myself actually playing third string DT in the league—for the Lions and Bengals. Well, at least one of us got out and rich without having to shoot someone (or himself) in the leg.