I Don’t Think I Should Have To Wrap Your Hookers for You
Wade: Well, oh my! I sure am stuffed! My, my goodness! Got ourselves a nice little Thanksgiving break there. Always does a man good, I tell you what. You know, this time of year is always so hectic. But I think we’re well-prepared this time. I know we got those pesky Steelers coming up. And we’re still chasing a playoff spot. But I feel good about where we are.
Yep, I think we’re gonna have a much more stable December round these parts. Nope, no crises here at Valley Ranch of any sort! No emergency fires of any kind are gonna spring up and disturb an otherwise smoothly running work month. AT ALL. Time to just eeease back into work and…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEHAW! YEE, YEE, YEE, YEEGODDAMNHAW! YEEHAW MASON-DIXON FUCKING A GOWGIRL IN A HAYLOFT WITH HER PANTIES STUFFED IN HER THROAT! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFUCKINGHAW, FATASS!
Wade: Oh. shit.
Jerry: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those Seattle faggots, Tubby? He put THREE goddamn touchdown passes right in their faggoty little messenger bags! YOU DON’T BIKE TO WORK WHEN YOU’RE PLAYIN’ THE DOUBLE-J, THAT’S FOR GODDAMN SURE!
Wade: We’re glad to have him back. But I think we’re going t have to prepare extra hard for the Steelers, sir…
Jerry: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Listen, Ham Cameron, I need you to stop baking cheesecake in your crotch for a second and get your fat fucking ass out of your fat fucking chair. MOVE IT! GIT!
Wade: What’s going on? (gets out of chair) What the heck?
Jerry: Good God. Look at the assdent in that chair. That’s what Lake Superior looks like if you drain it! There are enough coffee cake crumbs in that seat to run an Aunt Anne’s factory, you galactic fat fuck!
Wade: Sir, I don’t think that’s very…
Jerry: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK! THIS IS MY GODDAMN CHAIR! I OWN IT! AND I DON’T PAY YOU TO SPEND ALL DAY BUTTERING IT UP FOR MUFFINMAKING, YOU BIG FAT CLAM! Now listen up, Rosie Live. I have Christmas shopping for you to do.
Wade: I can’t go Christmas shopping!
Jerry: Why not? Can’t go to mall without ending up behind the counter of a Mrs. Field’s, you cookie-loving fat shit?! Well don’t fear, fatass. I have just entered in the Amazon username and password for the Double-J’s personal online account. You’ll be shopping right from this very chair. AND NO SPANK BREAKS! I don’t want my wife getting some pair of earrings that you bought after treating your dick like a Push Pop! Now you have to get gifts for the following people:
(hands Wade 700 page list)
Wade: There are thousands of names on here!
Jerry: Fucking right. AND DON’T GO THINKING YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! I only buy Omaha Steaks for people that don’t eat them as an after dinner cooldown. Be sure to get Susan that cheese log that’s shaped like a penis. Like Wispride spreadable white wine cheddar, the Double-J’s cock is EXTRA SHARP!
Wade: Sir, I don’t have time for this. How are we gonna get ready for the Steelers?
Jerry: You fat hump. Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO is a star?
Wade: I think you’ve maybe…
Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! Besides, ol’ Jerry’s got a little ace up his sleeve this go round for those Pittsburgh meatstuffers. ADAM!
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman cum back 2 da lokkr room an dem otha bitchez be sayn Pacman no gud. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Pacman say dem foolz ain’t walked in his shooz. Dey ain’t kno what it lik 2 fist dat azz lik da Pac do. Dey ain’t kno what it like 2 ta grab a bitch an pak dat hatchbak. Pacman down wid it. Pacman say dem girlz got 2 giv up dat fatburger. Pacman say itz Burgertime.
Pacman gon shine. Pacman tak dat azz an put dat banana in it. Pacman ain’t no froot. Pacman got dat big Chikita shit. Dis shit naycha’s perfect fud. And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon drank. BULLEE DAT. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank until he turn on da sprinkla. PACMAN GON TURN ON DA AZZSPRINKLA! CHUH CHUH
Jerry: That reminds me, Fatass. Be sure to get Adam here one of those Sony ass sprinklers. No cheap Vizio ass sprinklers for my boy!
Wade: But I don’t even know what that is.
Jerry: You need to also get at least two hookers for each Cowboy alum. THE DOUBLE-J NEVER FORGETS A COWBOY! Now get them gift-wrapped, and ship them FedEx so they’re still breathin’ when they get there. NO ONE WANTS A DEAD HOOKER ON THEIR DOOSTEP!
Pacman: Pacman down wid it.
Jerry: Not everyone agrees, Adam. Also, get Irvin that pair of golden scissors he wanted.
Wade: Well, who’s gonna run the team while all this is going on?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. My good portly friend, shouldn’t you be in Perigord region, rooting around in the soil for precious black truffles?
Wade: Shut up.
Garrett: Oh, dear Mr. Jones! How good to see you again! I trust you had a lovely Thanksgiving. Did you get the holiday card that Priscilla sent you? I wrote it myself. There’s no levity quite like Princeton levity!
Jerry: It was lovely, Jason. I’ll treasure it always. And I’ll have fatty here get you that Vineyard Vines whale belt you asked for.
Garrett: Oh, please! No need! I already have seventeen of them! Ha ha ha!
Jerry: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha!
Jerry: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha! Oh, Mr. Jones. What a Princetonian you would have been! I wish you had been in our eating club. A fine eater you’d make! Unlike the human landfill opposite me now.
Wade: Hey!
Jerry: YOU SHUT UP, COACH KFC! You shut up and git my shopping done! AND MAKE SURE NATE NEWTON GETS THAT BROWNIE PAN HE ASKED ME FOR!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEHAW! DOUBLE YEEEEEEHAW! TRIPLE FUCKING YEEHAW, YOU FUCKING SHOPACHOCOHOLIC!
JINGLE BALLS, HOOKERS CALL, WADE DONE LAID AN EGG!
THE JONESMOBILE HAS EIGHT WHEELS AND I’LL EAT PUSSY ANY DAY!!!!!
WAHOOOOOO, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: ass sprinklers, Big Daddy Drew, fat coaches, fat people, pacman, wade and jerry, xmas shopping blows
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
sometimes i immediately just scroll down to see what pacman says
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
rosie live is the best insult yet.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
So I guess if you ship hookers via UPS they end up dead? That’s great info to have this time of year. Thanks BDD!
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
As an Eagles fan, it doesn’t feel right to break into a smile as soon as I see Wade Phillips’ pic on this site. It’s like the sports blog equivalent of Pavlov’s bell.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Irvins Golden Scissors? Can i get an explanation?
And yes: No one wants a dead hooker on thier doorstep
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
cumpidgeon- he once stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors over a disputed barber chair.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
The Vineyard Vines whale belt would go great with a “The Black Dog” t-shirt
/have never been to Martha’s Vineyard but hate everything about it
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Dey ain’t kno what it like 2 ta grab a bitch an pak dat hatchbak
I don’t know, but I’m more than willing to learn.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
AWESOME.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Like Wispride spreadable white wine cheddar, the Double-J’s cock is EXTRA SHARP!
Good lord, man, do you remember the name of every single fucking food product you’ve ever eaten or seen in a grocery store, commercial, or Christmas catalog since you were 2? Or do you just have a list of all this shit at work that you consult when need be?
This is a serious damn question. I’m dying to know.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I only really have a Pavlovian laugh response to the Double-J pic with horns and steam coming out of his ears that gets posted after a loss. Much like a small dog or an obese woman, the funniness of the Double J is directly proportional to how angry he is.
As if I needed another reason to root against the Cowboys.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I shouldn’t have laughed at this as much as I did, it feels like it’s against my religion…but the Jerry/Wade/Jason mix is spot on. And I’m with dagreatwhitehype, I see Pac’s name and my brain goes “oh goody”. I heart you BDD.
And “no one wants a dead hooker on their doorstep” is now my status message on gmail chat.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Good lord, man, do you remember the name of every single fucking food product you’ve ever eaten or seen in a grocery store, commercial, or Christmas catalog since you were 2?
Yes.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Fatties, crazy rich people, blacks, Ivy Leaguers, this story has it all!.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I particularly enjoyed Ham Cameron. And it’s nice to have Pac back.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
If only Rosie Live were the worstt hing in showbiz this week.
I hear Margaret Cho is back, and doing some type of play about Prop 8.
ugh
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Yes.
Well, then. Kudos.
…
That wasn’t a congrats. I was wondering how old you were when you ate your first Kudos.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
YEEHAW MASON-DIXON FUCKING A GOWGIRL IN A HAYLOFT WITH HER PANTIES STUFFED IN HER THROAT!
This is how Jerry interviews all women who want a job at the Cowboys.
Human Landfill is just brilliant. It’s even more brilliant than the Ebonics that get spelled differently every week!
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
This is a serious damn question. I’m dying to know.
He’s married. That’s why he knows this shit.
<- Married too, recognized that food product immediately…
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
THE JONESMOBILE HAS EIGHT WHEELS AND I’LL EAT PUSSY ANY DAY!!!!!
Thanks for the Christmas carols.
And the moment I see Wade’s photo, a smile breaks out. Damn you BDD!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“NO ONE WANTS A DEAD HOOKER ON THEIR DOOSTEP!”
In the cold weather, a dead hooker will keep for at least another 48 hours. So no sense in just throwing the hooker out with the trash. And you don’t have to strangle the hooker to avoid paying her when you’re done, she’s already dead.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
pak dat hatchbak………
There are phrases like this that immediately go into my lexicon. Thanks for this Drew.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
“Pacman say itz Burgertime.”
LOL, great reference.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
This feature has nuked the fridge.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
All I want for Christmas is for Tommy from Quinzee to have a conversation with Pacman.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
goto11 - what about a debate between Tawme and Pacman with Hines as the moderator?
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
You keep making the food references, Mrs. Vince Wilfork’s gonna pick up the scent from Deadspin and show up.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Does anyone else let out an uncontrollable, impulsive, “YES” whenever they see that fat fuck open up a post? You just know your day is about to get better.
Now I gon drank.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Currently reading “Boys will be boys” about the 90’s Cowboys and it’s amazing how accurate these posts are. Just need some references to the White House and it’s pure journalism.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Ham Cameron. Extra Sharp. I BULLEE this is the best episode yet.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Speaking of burgertime, lunch today = Fuddruckers FTW!
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
This has got to be the funniest one yet. I actually held my head in my hands and laughed while people stared at me from outside my office. Unfuckingbelievably funny.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Ham Cameron/Rosie Live/SHOPACHOCOHOLIC got me.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Hines Wald say: You no Pacman. Pacman fight Oscal de RaHoyal Satulday. Hines Wald ruv Pacman. Pacman is tooo Firripeenes rut Rongrastname is to Pittsbulg. But not stupid.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Guess who’s feeling like the luckiest guy around with this Plaxico mess? Pacman, baby! Out of the spotlight finally…
HH@showoffsports.com
December 4th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Wade & Marvin should form a support group.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Here in Atlanta a sizeable segment of the population view Mike Vick as a ” hero ” who was unfairly railroaded / incarcerated by {The system (white people) / the man (white people) / The NFL (white people)}
And a signifcant amount of those holding said “beliefs” talk just…..like…..that.
Witness the twin failings of America’s educational system and the Cowboys ability to build a team. (Why pay 2 million for a quality backup when you can spend the same amount on a 10x problem DB?)
December 4th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
a gratuitously racist Cowboy fan. stunning.
December 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
man i hate durden