I Don’t Know How I Keep Picking These Lines Correctly!
Bill: Okay, it’s Week 15 of the NFL and, as always, our dear friend Cousin Sal is with us. We have a game where, every week, we guess the lines of the week’s NFL matchups. And the loser has to buy the winner dinner at a very fancy Brazilian steakhouse that you folks in the audience are far too poor to be able to eat at. Isn’t that right, Sal?
Sal: Yep.
Bill: Actually, we eat there every other night anyway. And Kimmel picks up the tab every time. Isn’t that GREAT?!
Sal: It is. God, remember the last time we went? I’m still full! I didn’t even realize you could have a meal that decadent!
Bill: Well, let’s get on to the lines. As you may or may not know. I am KILLING Sal this year. Just killing him. How far up am I, Sal?
Sal: I don’t know. You’re up by a lot.
Bill: Yes, but tell me the EXACT amount, so that I can get a mental image of it and then masturbate to it.
Sal: Let’s just get to the first game. New Orleans at Chicago.
Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Chicago… (looks at newspaper)… by 3.
Sal: Unbelievable.
Bill: Did I get it right?
Sal: You nailed it. I said 2. I don’t know how you keep getting these right.
Bill: I know! It’s like I’m some kind of amazing psychic!
Sal: Okay, well you won that one. Next one is Green Bay at Jacksonville.
Bill: Okay. I’m gonna say Green Bay… (looks at newspaper)… by 2.
Sal: Jesus. You nailed it again. I said 3 1/2.
Bill: HOW GOOD AM I? I don’t know how I keep doing it! I’m in that Bird zone, Sal. Total Bird zone. I mean, aren’t you in AWE of my ability to guess random, meaningless betting lines?
Sal: You must be looking at a paper.
Bill: Oh, please. You know what Vegas should do? They should just hire ME to set the lines. I mean, I’m so good at it! Can’t we make this happen? Can we get a ruling on this? Why hasn’t this happened yet? I wish Vegas had lines on things like, “Odds the state of Nevada will eventually hire Bill Simmons to run its gaming commission.”
Sal: Okay, next up is Cleveland at Philly. Monday nighter.
Bill: Hmm. Tough to figure out this Philly team. I bet against them last week, and then they won. Which just doesn’t seem right. Very weird. I feel like it’s a real anomaly when something I predict doesn’t come true. Because everything I say just makes so much sense. I’m gonna say Philly… (looks at newspaper)… by 14.
Sal: God, will you stop?!
Bill: Did I nail it again? I NAILED IT YET AGAIN, DIDN’T I?!
Sal: Yep. I don’t get it. I said 13. How are you able to do this?
Bill: I don’t know.
Sal: Incredible.
Bill: Amazing.
Sal: Awe-inspiring.
Bill: Legendary.
Sal: Well, I don’t know why we keep doing this. You’re just SO GOOD.
Bill: What can I say? It’s a talent! What’s next?
Sal: Tennessee at Houston.
Bill: I like this Tennessee team. I’m gonna say… (looks at newspaper)… I’m gonna say that Vegas undervalues the Titans a bit here, and gives the Texans a bit more credit because of how they’ve done lately. I also think they’ll give Houston a little extra credit for Schaub’s performance. I’ll say Tennessee by fo… NO! NO, THREE AND A HALF!
Sal: Christ. You got it again. Good analysis. I said six. I mean, this is an incredible streak.
Bill: I feel like they should erect a bust to me in Canton for this. It must be the Welker jersey. I’m wearing the Welker jersey, and that just makes my picks that much more solid. What’s next?
Sal: Detroit at Indy.
Bill: Okay. Hmm. I’m gonna say… (resists urge to look at newspaper)… Well, I think we ALL know Indy is way overvalued. I mean, they’re just 15 plays away from being 0-13. Really, they just got lucky. They’re clearly not as a good as everyone thinks they are. I’m gonna say Indy by thr… (looks at newspaper)… You know, I think Vegas will overrate them just like everyone else does and say Indy by 17.
Sal: Dammit!
Bill: Unreal, right? I don’t know how I keep picking them right! I’m just a very special person! Say, what do we think of the new 90210? Can’t touch the original, right?
Sal: Next up are the Giants at my Cowboys.
Bill: Hmm. I’ll say Giants… (doesn’t look at newspaper)… by 3.
Sal: Okay, I got this one. It’s Dallas by 3.
Bill: (shocked) Really? That’s a weird line. That line is WRONG. That’s just the wrong line. My line was clearly better. I think Vegas just threw their hands up on that one. I think it’s obvious to anyone here that my line was right. I think Vegas got lazy on that one. Don’t you find it odd that Vegas has all these systems in place to set lines, but that they can get some of them so wildly wrong? You know what I bet happens? I bet the game closes at the line I predicted, and not that one. That was the problem with my pick there. It was TOO good.
Sal: Say, are you watching the games at Jimmy’s this week?
Bill: Sure am. I’m bringing House with me too. And we’re going to have more fun than anyone in the audience will ever to get have in their very small, meaningless lives. By the way. my buddy Gus has a theory about Rocky IV. Let’s have a discussion about that movie that exceeds its running time.
Sal: We still got games to pick. What are you, 5-1 so far? That’s unreal.
Bill: I know! I’m just dialed in! What’s the next one? (looks at newspaper)…
This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, bill simmons, free-flowing convo that occasionally touches on retard subjects, he cheats at scrabble you know, people who actually think they're smarter than vegas, purposely left out karate kid and 45 other tired simmons cliches, vegas sets lines based on betting patterns asshat
December 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I know the feeling, sometimes when I am dialed in masturbating I can shoot off in 10 seconds flat.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Bill Simmons would lie about donating to Fisher House.
/comment synergy
December 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I usually don’t listen to the lines podcasts, but I did last week and my first thought was, “How does he not realize Bill is looking up the lines in advance?”
December 11th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
You had a golden opportunity to mock Sal’s encyclopedic knowledge of jokes from 1995. “Jets at 49ers … you know, they were going to set this line at Jets by 7, but Favre’s painkiller supply ran out and it’s down to 4.” HEY-O!!!
December 11th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I would guess that Drew’s middle name is, let’s see here, Schuyler. I’m on a roll here. Deadspin? Never heard of it.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Loved the “Can we not get a ruling on this?” line.
I still occasionally read Simmons, but it’s like listening to Oasis. I only remember it because of the handjob I got in college to “Champagne Supernova.”
December 11th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Newspaper? I *knew* it! Seriously, though. Why does Sal even continue letting this happen? Everyone knows Simmons is fucking cheating.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
And the loser has to buy the winner dinner at a very fancy Brazilian steakhouse that you folks in the audience are far too poor to be able to eat at.
Simmons must have gone to a prep school my family couldn’t have afforded, too.
/ducks
//just jealous
December 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Simmons must have gone to a prep school my family couldn’t have afforded, too.
He did. Choate. But it’s no Exeter, I’ll tell you that!
/sniffs
December 11th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
He did. Choate. But it’s no Exeter, I’ll tell you that!
/sniffs
He did his prep year at Choate. He went to Greenwich Country Day. I guess his parents were trying to knock the gay out of him before he went to college.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I fucking hate Bill Simmons. Just wanted to get that out there.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Simmons also cheats at solitaire.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Simmons and TK are melding into one big bag o douche.
‘Sal, would you ever in a million years think that I would win all the weeks that we were off the air?’
Also, Choate can’t hold a candle to The Governor’s Academy. Especially after we re-branded and got rid of that pesky founder’s name.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Greenwich Country Day followed by Brunswick….as somebody who grew up in Greenwich, Ct (and went through its oh-so-shady public school system), you may rest assured that the GCDS/Brunswick combo has never produced a guy who wasn’t an enormous tool.
Having said that, his columns are still funny.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
WTF? I thought this was supposed to be a humor site? There’s nothing funny about copyright infringement. Transcribing Bill Simmons’ podcast word for word is just asking for trouble from ESPN lawyer-types.
December 11th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I don’t listen to retarded people talk, I’m too fancy for that rubbish, but I am curious about something – Does Simmons ever mention that his equally unfunny bitch-wife smoked him in NFL picks two seasons in a row?
December 11th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Heck, maybe he’s just good at picking the lines…I mean, he usually backs up his picks with relevant information.
/ducks
//ducks again
December 11th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Thank God. I’ve been waiting for this post ever since the podcast started. I’ve always thought there was a 99% chance he looked at some website while picking. Also, how fucking STUPID is a game of just picking lines? What’s the matter Bill, mad cause your wife has a bigger cock than you?
December 11th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
He did his prep year at Choate. He went to Greenwich Country Day. I guess his parents were trying to knock the gay out of him before he went to college.
Tell me, what did he have for breakfast?
December 11th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp
So you’re saying you got a handjob from Simmons in college?
December 11th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Riiiight, he just happens to flawlessly pick the lines, then proceeds to shit the bed at picking how the games will actually go. Nice try Billy.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I used to listen to the podcast, mainly to avoid approx. an hour of needing to talk to my office mate. Then he had his hissy fit. I have found lots of other shit to listen to that my colleague tunes out! He is not getting me back!
December 11th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
You forgot the part where he drones on for several paragraphs about some shitty ’80s movie, or a shitty ’90s TV series.
One-Trick Pony called Simmons, and he wants his trick back.
December 11th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
why don’t you guys do any more greggggggggggggggg easterbrook posts? that was the first KSK Kolumn I ever read. I about shit. Bring that guy back!
December 11th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I used to read/watch/listen to (blank), but now I don’t read/watch/listen to (blank) because it sucks!
December 12th, 2008 at 12:49 am
You bitches are just jealous because I make a shitload of money every year doing the same shit you do, only my talent got me a gig on the Worldwide Leader and 2 books, whereas Drew got a book tour to the pawn shop, Ape got fired from the Post, Punter’s bald, UM is well…UM, flubby is lazy and CC…well, he’s cool cause he’s a Seahawks fan…
Regardless of my unrelenting Patriots, Celtics, Red Sawkz nuthugging, I still have more readership that you fuckstains will ever get.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:40 am
If that were really Bill, he would have just sent some intern/lackey to post here or possibly email you in an attempt to shame you. Bill’s far too busy:
a) stabbing his Rick Reilly voodoo doll,
b) talking to “Stoner” about obscure words and phrases to yell during a bowling telecast,
c) figuring out how to undervalue the Manning brothers…again,
d) writing a 10,000 word tome about the time he and Michael Rappaport nearly came to blows…again,
e) all of the above.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:15 am
whereas Drew got a book tour to the pawn shop
It was a flea market, I’ll have you know.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:58 am
If that was the real Bill Simmons, he would’ve been too busy nutting to his 5th viewing of Rocky IV today to write that post.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Also, for some reason Simmons cheating on his picks reminds me of that part of Ghostbusters with Bill Murray and the flash cards, but I don’t wanna compare Simmons to Murray. EVER
/just did
December 12th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I bet if you get a good audio guy, he can filter out the extraneous noise (read : Bill Simmons yapping) and you can hear him actually rustle the newspaper as he looks shit up.