Tony: Hey, Mike. MIKE! Tampa Bay has to be pretty miffed coming out here tonight, seeing as how the Panthers beat them by 24 points the last time out. Not twenty-two points. Not twenty-three points. TWENTY FOUR POINTS! That is a rout. A ROUT. It is a rout. It IS a rout. THAT is what we call a rout. I mean that’s just a rout, IS IT NOT?! If you are a member of this Tampa Bay team, ARE YOU NOT CHAMPING AT THE BIT TO GET REVENGE?!
Mike: Tampa Bay won that first game 27-3, Tony. Not Carolina.
Tony: Did I say Carolina won that game? Did I? Did I really? Did I say Carolina won? WAS THAT NOT AN ENORMOUS GAFFE ON MY PART?!
Mike: (sighs) Yes. 3rd and 6 for Tampa here, needing to get to the 42 for a first down…
Tony: Hey, Mike. Mike! How about this Jon Gruden? Huh? DOES HE NOT LIKE QUARTERBACKS?! I mean, he wins a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson, and since then he brings in Chris Simms. He brings in Brian Griese. He brings in Jeff Garcia. He even tries to bring in Jake Plummer. I know everyone has pointed this out already, but I WOULD LIKE TO POINT IT OUT AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK THERE’S A REAL STORY THERE. I would say Jon Gruden likes his quarterbacks, WOULD THAT NOT BE A CORRECT ASSUMPTION THERE?!
Mike: (clenches fist) Yes, Tony. Now please…
Tony: Boy, that Gruden sure is intense. Do they still call him Chucky in Tampa? I MEAN, IS THAT NOT JUST A PERFECT NICKNAME FOR HIM?! Does he not resemble a psychopathic doll in every conceivable manner?! Do you think that Carolina fan dressed as Freddy Kreuger to sort of counter-balance this whole horror movie milieu? IS THERE NOT A THIRD QUARTER SOLILOQUY I CANNOT MAKE FROM SUCH ABSURDITY?!
Mike: (takes swig of vodka) Shut up.
Tony: Wait a second, Mike. Were you aware that Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart have combined for 301 rushing yards tonight?! WERE YOU AWARE OF THIS STATISTIC THAT THE PRODUCER JUST FED TO ME SO THAT I COULD BRING IT UP OVER THE AIR AND HAVE SOMETHING RELEVANT TO TALK ABOUT?! I mean, 301 yards! Are you not STUNNED by that figure? Would you ever have guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS, that they would have come in here tonight and run for 301 yards! Not even 300 yards! THREE OH ONE!
Mike: (squeezes stress ball) Shut up.
Tony: I mean, that is a YUGE figure, IS IT NOT?! That’s the kind of rushing number you expect Oklahoma to put up! That’s the kind of rushing number you expect Air Force to put up! That’s the kind of number that makes you think of the bygone days of Knute Rockne, DOES IT NOT?!
Mike: (snaps pencil) Please shut up.
Tony: And how about that Jake Delhomme? He’s playing out there right now having had TOMMY JOHN SURGERY. Is that not AMAZING?! I mean, he goes and sees the doctor. And the doctor says NOT ONLY does he need surgery. But he needs TOMMY JOHN SURGERY. The kind of surgery they do on PITCHERS! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF TOMMY JOHN SURGERY BEING DONE ON A QUARTERBACK?!
Mike: (grabs gun) Please shut the fuck up.
Tony: I mean, he is TOUGH! IS HE NOT? I mean, IS THAT NOT THE VERY DEFINITION OF TOUGHNESS? Does that kind of toughness not remind you of Brett Favre’s toughness?!
Mike: (points gun at Tony) SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
Tony: Mike, Mike! Forget about the game. HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROMOS FOR IDOL?! When you look back, are you not ASTONISHED that David Cook came from such humble beginnings to become such an enormous star?! Do you think he has realized the very enormity of that moment?! OR IS THAT JUST UTTERLY BEYOND HIS AND OUR COMPREHENSION?!
Mike: (fires) DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!!
Tony: Oh my God, Mike! You SHOT me! I’m shot. I’m shot! I am SHOT. I HAVE BEEN SHOT! I mean, there is a BULLET lodged in my body! Would you ever have guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS, that I would be shot during a live TV broadcast? IS THAT NOT AN AMAZING TWIST?!
Mike: (turns gun on self, fires) GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Newt-Gingrich-Releases-2010-Tax-Return1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/pkpti-150x150.jpg)
Which is useful for me, thank you for the information I need it for.
In addition, would you like to find a foreign friend, make new friendships, to improve your language and to learn new cultures by unpaid system.
Our goal is to help people all over the world who are looking for long-term, lasting friendship as their criteria. All transactions are given for free to find a friend.
findforeignfriends.com or evlenecegim.com http://www.evlenecegim.com
Which is useful for me, thank you for the information I need it for.
In addition, would you like to find a foreign friend, make new friendships, to improve your language and to learn new cultures by unpaid system.
Our goal is to help people all over the world who are looking for long-term, lasting friendship as their criteria. All transactions are given for free to find a friend.
findforeignfriends.com or evlenecegim.com http://www.evlenecegim.com
Stevie Ray Vaughn dies in a plane crash, and we can’t get Tony K into a non-functioning helicopter? There is no God.
The worst thing is, I watched enough of the game to know that short of the shooting, all the Kornieser stuff was straight from his mouth. He’s more talkative on MNF than on PTI with layyyy less reason.
And, he’s getting worse.
“I want what I want, when I want it.”
–Tony Kornheiser, Summer 2008
Crab Night on the boardwalk
similar story about Tony K and how dumb he is:
http://cheapseats-blog.blogspot.com/2008/12/kornheiser-is-insult-to-monday-night.html
Honestly, I’ve been fearing that Ron Jaworski would kill him.
“If you call me ‘Jaws!’ one more FUCKING TIME, you balding CLOWN, I’m gonna stick this microphone so far UP YOUR ASS, you’ll be wiping shit off your eyeballs and pulling ass hairs from your tonsils.”
Then he’d giggle like a girl. I wonder if he and Peter King go cruising together…
dude, come on, the new metallica sucks more than seven hundred billion kornheisers blowing seven hundred billion and one favres.
(with an extra one to go in the ear!)
the 4 levels of hell
4. Chris Berman
3. Jim Rome
2. Tony Kornheiser
1. All three doing a MNF broadcast. Surely, Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy are listening to this happen as we speak.
I agree with RBP – I mean, Favre almost went to Tampa, there’s no way he’s mentioned 1) once or 2) that late in the conversation
And here are the Bucs lining up in the wildcat! [ball is snapped] Oh, there’s Garcia under center.
did anyone else watch long enough for the Jake “went to Jarrett(Jared)” comment from TK? he then repeated it in case anyone missed it the first time
This needed a Marvin Lewis explosion at the end. Other than that, + 64.99 for perfectly emulating Tony KornFucker in print.
Can Tony beat Dennis Miller’s record for number of murder/suicides caused?
This broadcasting crew has to be the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked
If only, right after Kornheiser was shot, Don Meredith could sing “turn out the lights, the party’s over” …
I want to thank you from the depths of my soul!!!! I can’t stand having to listen to that absolute SHAM of a journalist. I have the ticket package that lets you see every game. I listen to all of them while I’m watching the games. Take a second to let that sink in. I listen to Randy Cross, Phil Simms, and even hear some of the great words Madden makes up ion a weekly basis. However, I can’t listen to this man!! He’s so terrible he makes me want to clean my ears with a fucking letter opener! The worst part is I’m ok with Mike and Jaws. Anyway, thanks for the post, and to all the other people who are forced to suffer I suggest muting the game and turning on some music. I have done it recently with the new Metallica album, which is both awesome and long enough to get you through a good chunk of the game!
@placekickerholder: +1
anyone ever play the drinking game where you drink every time jaws says “national football league?” i have not, because i am a pussy.
Me: Well, Cosell was out of the booth getting sloshed half of the game, so it was more like 2 and a half back then.
If Tirico would have just put the gun in Tony’s mouth, after the first sentence none of this ensuing madness would have occurred and we’d all be able to congratulate him this morning.
Can someone make this happen?
Did you guys see Warren Sapp on Dancing With the Stars? I didn’t think a big man could move like that! I mean he was a defensive tackle, he was a nose tackle. Was that not amazing! In a million years I wouldn’t think a big man could move like that. Did you Jaws? Hey, where is everybody? Amazing, they all left!
“YesIunderstandthatMikeTiricoisblackbutdon’tyouthinkhecouldy’knowactalittlemoreblack?” -Will Leitch
Oh, forgot to add…unplugging the center speaker in your surround system will make your game-viewing experience a lot better.
TK and PK both seem like the type to always include the “WWW-dot” before they tell someone about a website.
I’ll never understand MNF’s ongoing obsession with cramming three people into the booth. Actually, I do understand it — they’ve been trying to recreate their glory years of the early ’70s for thirty years now, little realizing that three announcers was too many back then too.
BTW, not ORANGE Jell-O, not CLEMENTINE Jell-O, not even CITRUS Jell-O. It’s TANGERINE Jell-O! Isn’t that amazing?
You forgot to have Tony mention that Gruden tried to bring in Brett Favre and then have him go off on a 20 minute tangent on how Favre’s anus tastes like tangerine Jell-O.
My favorite was the complete whiff on Tampa Bay not being designed to come from behind – to which Mike accurately noted the three out of the past five games where Tampa … yes, came from behind to win.
Somewhere John Madden and Al Michaels are having some laughs…and heart attacks
Jaws is the best example of announcers saying the full name of absolutely everything during the broadcast.
WRONG: “The Steelers.”
RIGHT: “This Pittsburgh Steelers professional football organization.”
WRONG: “The QB”
RIGHT: “The Quarterback Position”
WRONG: “Brett Favre”
RIGHT: “Slurp slurp slurp”
TK still has a job boring the masses while overstating the obvious.
PK still has a job boring the masses while overstating the obvious.
These are the best you could find ESPN and SI executives? With the economy in the shape that it’s in, you could run a nationwide contest and find 100 better people to replace these two douches within a week.
It was all pretty good until…
“Would you ever have guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS”
Bingo.
You forgot
Jaws: blah blah blah NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
Just add that in anywhere.
Think Tirico is shooting Wild Turkey during commercial breaks?
And I can’t believe TK would mention Brett Favre only once. You know he’d throw his name out there 27 times — particularly to compare Favaro’s toughness to his own when shot.
Gosh even just reading this hurts my ears.
Welcome to this broadcast of the National Football League, on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. I’m here in the booth with Anthony Irwin Kornheiser and Michael Jonathon Tirico. Now I have watched a lot of film on these two teams and can say with certainty that the Carolina Panthers are in fact 6-0 at home. It takes real dedication to watch hours of film to come up with statistics like this.
Check out my sweet charm bracelet.
I imagined Jaws grinning and nodding constantly during that whole ordeal
Give the guy a break. By appearing on national television with that hair, Tony Kornheiser is an inspiration to people going through chemo all over the world.
I can only assume Jaws had already hung himself in the booth with a microphone cord at the time this conversation went down.