How the Marmalard Stole the AFC West
[Cutlerfuckerville]
Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Come this way!
Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Playoffs, yay!
[Meanwhile, on forbidding Marmalard Mountain]
[Sounds of packages being floated against the walls and cracks of thunder]
Look at them, all those Jays down in Cutlerfuckerville with their warped warbling. Droopy dregs of humanity with hangdog faces and vaginas where their penises should be. How I loathe their chokery and undeserved 4th seedery. So content are they in backing their way into the playoffs. So oblivious to the fact that the bitching hour is close at hand.
But you see, My Tiny Darren, we’re gonna steal their precious packaged playoffs right out from under their droopy sulkface noses. AREN’T WE?! FUCK AND YES WE ARE! There’ll be no Hochuli to stop us this time! No. Nothing stands in the way of King Laserface’s ascent to the top of the world! SADDLE UP YOU POCKET POOCH IT’S RIDING HIGH TIME!
Oh wow, the playoffs are coming. I’ve never experienced the magic of the postseason before, especially after we screwed the pooch the last two years. I’m like Tony Romo without the smiles.
Oh! What’s that clatter? Must be Santee Claus. I would know coming from Santa Claus, Indiana. I hope he brought me the unearned sense of accomplishment I asked for!
Hey! You’re not Santee! YOU’RE NOT SANTEE AT ALL!
Don’t touch that! That’s my division title! It’s mine! Give it!
Where are you taking me!? IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Settle, settle, widdle inferior quarterback. You’ll have more time to enjoy your Christmas figgy pudding and doodazzlers once I’ve eliminated you from playoff contention. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN TOUGH TITTYFUCK YOU TRAGIC SULKFACE THE CLOWN! THEN I’M GONNA COLD RAPE THE COLTS IN THE POSTSEASON, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY YEAR! I HOPE THE VOLEKTRICITY IS READY! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
[And that's when Marmalard's shriveled boner grew three sizes that day]
A Merry Playoffs to All, And May You All Get Stabbed in Your Sleep By a Marlinspike!
Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!
(Please visit the extremely talented LSUFreek’s new site when it goes up. Thanks for the images.)
Tags: cutlerfucker, lsufreek photoshops, marmalard, thank you for making this happen football gods, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Holy Shit. That is so amazing I don’t even have a marginally funny comment for it.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Yep, that’s our greatest post ever.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Where are the Ape haters now?
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Listen brother, you tell Jay Cutler and Mike Shanahan to meet me live on pay-per-view, December 28th. Watcha gonna do when we run wild on you? And to all my little Darrens out there, keep saying your prayers and eating your vitamins.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Something to look forward to once my Eagles are eliminated next Sunday.
Prediction: Broncos 52 – Chargers 49, and Marmalard blaming the loss on LaToeInjury with Norv out of a job at this time next week.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Also, infinity +1’s for Ape. and fuck Ron Howard and Jim Carrey for ruining this children’s classic.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Wow.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
TREEE-MENDOUS!!!!
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
So I got to watch my Bills somehow beat a team with a winning record to set up this epic showdown. And what do I get treated to during the highlights? The most awkwardly thrown, beautifully floating TD pass ever. I didn’t know you could shot put a football in a spiral. I believe that breaks the laws of physics.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Fan-fucking-tastic.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
+lots to Ape and LSUfreek. That was awesome.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I think I came in my pants reading this.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
/slow clap.
great stuff.
I’m proud to call my-self a Bills fan as if not for the Bills this post would not have been possible.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Awesome.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Officially destroyed 23 years of worshiping Dr. Seus and Christmas in general. Thank you very fucking much.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
genius.
pure genius.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Wow, those photoshops are amazing.
/Cutlerfucker looks a lot like this guy in those photos
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
[Cave Entrance Flies Open]
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I don’t understand the ending. Are you saying Marmalard is going to let all the Cutlerfuckers in Cutlerfuckerville keep their unearned AFC West crown and #4 seed?
You’re a mean one, Mr. Ape.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Oh my goodness.
This almost makes watching yesterday’s clusterfuck worth it.
Bravo
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
As disturbing as this is, still not as bad as that Jim Carrey-led abortion of a film.
Why, Jim Carrey, why? Why are you stealing our childhood memories? Why?
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
And “Cutlerfuckerville” cracks me up.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
marmalard or big ben?
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’m sure you’ll get around to topping this one sooner or later; probably much, much later. Bravo!
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Jeez Ape, that’s just……..warped.
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I didnt think anything would top the “wwaatch me cradle” line from earlier today.
You’ve outdone yourself today boys !!
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
tj
Any video of the masshole who tackled Seau?
/end tj
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
“and the sound of packages floated against the wall” He he he hee he he hehehe.
Giggling the rest of the day. And, you have found a way of using the Marmalard photos that makes me able to look at without getting nightmares! Doubly Good!
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Whoever wins, we lose.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Those two fuckfaces couldn’t quarterback their way out of a plastic sack.
Also, as a blatant Colts homer, I want exactly ZERO part of the Chargers in two weeks.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
A Christmas classic.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Good point, Monkey Business. Guys who can’t play quarterback regularly lead the league in Passer Rating. Agreed on the part about Cutler sucking, though.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
They’re finding out now that no division title is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
The all the Cockwallets down in Denver will all cry BOO-HOO!
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:21 pm
That just made my Christmas…
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
wow.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
You’re a wry one, Marmalard.
You’re a shitty, wretched clod!
Your tongue is raped with cancers
And your taint is full of sod
Marmala-rd.
You’re a banshee-faced, ass-biting, joy-swiffer,
Without a working groooooinnnn
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
that looks so real – so funny – can’t – work – anymore.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I am hoping to find a tiny Darren under my tree Christmas morning.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Wow. Just when you think the Marmalard skits couldnt possibly get any better….
/starts slow clap.
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
@j4b
You know what movie the Cutlerfucker lookalike just starred in? Choke.
/waits for people to recheck j4b’s link
//shows self out
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Scrumtrulescent
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
After 57 shitty posts (in one week no less) I am willing to man up and give Ape his due.
That was funny (clap clap clap)
Now if we could just get BDD, Punter, CC, UM, etc to help on the “quantity vs. quality” ratio.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Marmalard hated Cutler, the whole playoff season. Oh, please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, his throws were too light. Or maybe his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Lovely, but, how does Laserface’s “accent” help him get “to the top of the world”?
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Pardon my typos.
Thanks, Nince. How’s about a non-bitchy funny comment on your end?
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Wow. Thank you for this Ape. (My tiny Darren almost had me pissing myself)
Merry Christmas. And what a huge game coming sunday. Please continue to build this game up every day. GO BRONCOS!
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Damn, I almost pissed myself! That was hilarious!
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
OMG OMG OMG Freaking awesome.
That’s some talent right there.
They even got Sprolesy in there.
Love It.
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Bills beat them both, but alas no playoffs in Wilsonhatesmeville.
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 pm
LOOK AT SPROLES WITH THAT FUCKING RED BALL NOSE!
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Can you get Thurl Ravenscroft to sing this for a podcast???
/checks Wikipedia, discovers Mr. Ravenscroft is deceased
Never mind.
//he was also Tony the Tiger in the Frosted Flakes commercials!
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:23 pm
As much as I would like to have seen the Donkeys clinch at home, the Hochuli bowl sure does have a certain appeal. B-Marsh has been coaching Cutlerfucker on how to trash talk so he will be well-prepared for Marmalard’s softly-lobbed insults.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Out-fucking-standing.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
A marlinspike?
Ape’s been snorting Jean’s catnip again.
Nice work
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. For this, Ape should get a free pass on all future homerism.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:29 pm
@Pubic Enemy: I thought you were talking about Gentlemen Broncos (post-production). Which might explain why he looks like Cutlerfucker.
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 pm
So when will we see the theatrical release?
/may be contemplating sending Marmalard as the Grinch as late Christmas cards
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:58 am
marmalard looks like the wicked witch of the afc west in those flicks. he needs to run his ass off,anything thats that light green cutler will roll and spark
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
tiny Darren Max frightened me.
but, yeah, instant classic Ape