How Come You Don’t Hear Nothin’ About Us Southern Teams?
Last I checked, our division got as many wins as those northeast liberal elitist commie perverts in the NFC East, but you don’t hear nothing about some homespun footbaw from real America in the NFC South. Cain’t turn on my yakbox without hearing a great hollerin’ about some all-Jew York Super Bowl. Bet that’d be a challah of a game, huh? Heh, I got that from the long e-mail chain letter sent to my AOL account.
Hell, those homos in Tampa Bay got a chance to be the first team to play a Super Bowl in their own stadium. Don’t hear nothin’ ’bout that. But watch the Jets win a game and those Yankee queers cheer like they done killed Jesus again. Not a lick of fairness in the whole thing.
[Sets up three Nativity scenes on front lawn]
Gonna be fun when it’s a good-ol’ southern Super Bowl with Panther Pride and some Tennessee faggots. Then it gonna be us again’ our old quarteeback. I do miss some Kerry Collins. Like the cut a’ his jib. Always have. Caught some flak here for making some un-PC remarks about some of his shiftless teammates. ‘Course they railroaded him then shipped him off to a PC re-education camp in the Big Pinko-Not-Protecting-the-Sanctity-of-Life-Apple. BUT MY KERRY TOO STRONG! HE GOTS PRIDE!
[Pats Jesse Helms campaign button on his jacket]
A shame we gonna have to deny him a ring again. S’ok, Kerry, we got a spot for you in the Congress if you wanna come run against this no-account pinko Heath Shuler.
I cain’t wait. We gonna name Psycho T Super Bowl MVP and party until a relatively decent hour and not get too uppity about it ’cause we genteel southern gentlemen.
WOO HOO! PASS THE AMMUNITION AND SWEET TEA! ‘Cause there never was anything finer than a North Caroliner!
Tags: panther pride, xmas ape
December 4th, 2008 at 10:21 am
/[empty panther stadium now that ACC basketball has begun]
December 4th, 2008 at 10:23 am
It’s pronounced “Amerrka.” What is ya, an idjit?
December 4th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I thought it was spelled “Amurica” down there…
December 4th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Excellent call on the triple Nativity scenes. Where I grew up in redneckville, FL, you’d pass at least 2 out of 5 houses with multiples. You’ve got the standard plastic ass ones with the spotlight on it, the more elegant ones made of metal wire and lights, and the icing on the cake……the “LIVE” nativity scenes at the bodunk churches. Sweet baby Jesus!!!
December 4th, 2008 at 10:25 am
The only thing that made sense in that whole “Southern stereotype” there was the word “cain’t”. Otherwise, I’ve never in 27 years living in the South have heard anyone speak like that.
Not saying the Southern stereotype isn’t funny. But that was hard to read. Just my redneck two cents.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Requires more Billy Graham.
/Charlotte resident
December 4th, 2008 at 10:32 am
ammo and sweet tea are the top two items on most Christmas lists down South.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I thought we were allowed to resume ignoring the south now that Obama won?
December 4th, 2008 at 10:34 am
1. Requires more Jesus
2. Requires more hating on Tennessee or Maryland (depending on which Carolina you go with)
3. Requires more gunplay and huntin’
December 4th, 2008 at 10:35 am
@dAndy: My favorite: a house with a front-yard garden in the shape of a cross and a giant “Happy Birthday Jesus” banner across the peak of the roof.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:37 am
My gf told me the only person she’d ever cheat on me with is the Carolina Panthers Mascot. I’m still not sure how I feel about that…
/but he dances so cute when they score!
December 4th, 2008 at 10:37 am
The mere premise of imitating a pro football fan in the south is ridiculous. We like our college footbawl down here, thank you very much. SEC BABY! And (cough) ACC, whew. Oh, and fuck tyler hansborough and fuck the tar heels.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:38 am
ammo and sweet tea are the top two items on most Christmas lists down South.
Damn straight.
/sips sweet tea
/shoots gun
December 4th, 2008 at 10:38 am
“Then it gonna be us again’ our old quarteeback” Hard to read but dropping the st off of against is a nice touch. Also, North Cack tends to refer to black players as well bred.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:40 am
i still have a kerry collins panthers jersey…true story
December 4th, 2008 at 10:46 am
It ain’t like North Carolina is in the south anymore–it’s a damn Yankee stronghold now what with all them Jew bankers in Charlotte and Jew doctors in Raleigh and Durham. The South is down to four states: South Ca’lina, Jawja, ‘Bama, and Mis’sipi.
/NO ONE DENIES THIS!
//Masshole living in Jawja.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:46 am
off topic: Am I the only one who, while browsing this site, gets redirected to a website with a video called “Refuel, Rewind TV”?
December 4th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Nativity scenes are against the law (while the Menorah and Star and Crescent are not) It’s not “sweet tea” it’s “sun tea”.
Most southerners have worked with and beside blacks since before Reconstruction.
Here, let me hep ya:
1) Don’t talk about how great the North is. Most of us have visited those sheitholes like Baltimore and Detroit and that’s why we’re still down here. Don’t like the way we talk? Delta is ready when you are.
2) We open doors and wave. It’s called being polite. Same goes with using ’sir’ or ‘ma’am’
3) New York is goin bankrupt. We have Ted Turner and Sam Walton. Who’s laughing now?
4) Coke is dark, sweet and served over ice.
5) Mary Jane is the cute girl with pig tails on that show Gilligan’s Island.
6) Saturday is for college football, Sunday for church and a BBQ afterwards. Plan accordingly.
7) If you break down on the side of the road - do nothing. Soon three guys in a pickup truck will show up. Do not interfere, this is what they live for.
9) If we sound funny there’s a reason. We don’t want to sound like YOU. (Plus it helps identify the tourists)
10) Yes it’s hot AND humid. Don’t like it? I-95 is –> that way.
11) We don’t call it the “Civil War”. It was the “War of Northern Aggression and it had nothing to do with slavery. (Think I’m lying - what year did the WONA start? What year did Congress pass the 13th amendment? (freeing the slaves).
12) In order to acclimate you need to pick: a “team”, a “driver” and a style of “Q”. Failure to do so will result in a ostracization at the water cooler.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Agree with Slothrop, but you forgot Ark-ans-ass and Lose-e-ana.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
It’s monologues like this one that make me wonder if the U.S. would have been better off letting the Southern states win the Civil War, just so they could secede and not drag the rest of us down with their inbred stupidity.
/Pennsyltuckian
December 4th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Needs more Dockers and Vineyard Vines if its supposed to represent BOA stadium. Probably the worst environment in the league to watch football in.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:55 am
But watch the Jets win a game and those Yankee queers cheer like they done killed Jesus again.
Nice
December 4th, 2008 at 10:56 am
North South Flame War = NoSoFlaWa !
December 4th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Xmas Ape keep on axin’ ’im, en de Tar-Baby, she keep on sayin’ nothin’, twel present’y Xmas Ape draw back wid his fis’, he did, en blip he tuck ’er side er de head. Right dar’s whar he broke his merlasses jug. His fis’ stuck, en he can’t pull loose. De tar hilt ’im.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:58 am
@Tyler:
Did you copy and paste all that directly from the email chain-letter? Was that the same one that said Obama must be a Muslim cause his middle name’s “Hussein?”
“A” for effort, but I’m perfectly content to stay north of the Mason-Dixon. Now get back to work and build me another cheap Japanese vehicle.
P.S. Wasn’t Enron a Southern-based company?
P.P.S. The North won. Get over it.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Yeah the Southern banking industry is doing awesome. Its not like Wachovia had to get bought by a bank founded in NYC and hq’d in San Francisco.
Whats that?
December 4th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I’m a New Yorker. I have nothing against the South. If not for the South we wouldn’t have Chik-fil-A. They just need to open one in my neighborhood.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:02 am
@ Tyler
I’m impressed. As far as i can tell, that drivel didn’t come word for word from a chain email. Or is this a special sneak preview of the next crazy chain email to make the rounds on the tubal interwebs?
December 4th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Since you cannot throw a rock in Charlotte without hitting a rich banker or northern transplant, this post makes perfect sense. That said, they’re calling this week “The Most Meaningful Regular Season Game in Panthers History” so if you’re looking for something to really laugh about…
December 4th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I lived in New York for a year, and not having Chik-fil-A or Bojangles almost did me in
December 4th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Yeah but if it weren’t for the south Chik-fil-A would be open on Sunday.
“We have Ted Turner and Sam Walton. Who’s laughing now?”
Sam Walton died fifteen years ago.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Bank of America Stadium keeps the Christmas lights up year-round. True story.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:09 am
@SAS Quatch: I didn’t forget nuthin’. Next you’ll say Tennessee is southern.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Sam Walton died fifteen years ago.
According to Tyler, that’s just what the liberal Jew-run media wants you to think.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I’ve lived in Charlotte going on fifteen years and never once have heard tea referred to as ’sun tea’ or the war as ‘WONA’. Maybe it’s because I went to good schools and live in a metro area and not a piece of shit section of the south like eastern NC, all of SC aside from Charleston, and most of GA.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Just another reason why I hate you Tyler Durden. I can see you now shooting squirrels from your couch while you watch old re-runs of Dukes of Hazzard. “I gots me ‘nuther wun here pa!”
December 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I love when Ape throws the bait out there and people eat it up.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I grew up in CLT and now live in STL. I’ll take southern hicks over these midwest hoosiers ANY DAY.
I liked the mix of north and south.
And damn do I miss some good Q, Cookout, and Bojangles.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:21 am
@ Shanchez
The Panther “fans” voted to name the mascot Sir Purr. If your girlfriend already knows that fact and still wants to bang him, I really feel bad for you.
On a side note: there is nothing worse than a so called Panther “fan”. You never see Panther fans until they start winning because they really have no true fan base…..based on the fact that everyone that lives in the Charlotte area is from PA, Ohio (Ohio State fans have to be the most obnoxious in the world), NY etc.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Thank you Kevin! I would kill for a Cajun Filet Biscuit (with cheese, of course), large Bo Rounds, and a large sweet tea right now! That order right there fueled me through the thanksgiving holidays
December 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
“Ohio State fans have to be the most obnoxious in the world”
There is an Ohio State themed members only bar two miles north of Charlotte I shit you not.
The bar I watch soccer at in the city is a Steelers bar, which works out nicely.
The best Sir Purr moment was when he jumped on a live ball against the Steelers back in like 99
December 4th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Can we all just agree that Ohio State sucks?
December 4th, 2008 at 11:27 am
“Can we all just agree that Ohio State sucks?”
NO ONE DENIES THIS
December 4th, 2008 at 11:30 am
It was the “War of Northern Aggression and it had nothing to do with slavery. (Think I’m lying - what year did the WONA start? What year did Congress pass the 13th amendment? (freeing the slaves).
This may be stupider than any of the sarcasm in the actual post. Because slavery wasn’t a contentious issue at all in the 1850s, you know.
Way to surpass the soft bigotry of low expectations, southerners!
December 4th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Yes I agree with Optimus, Ohio State sucks.
@ Georger
Is that Steelers bar you refer to Dixies?
December 4th, 2008 at 11:34 am
nah but dixies tavern is a solid one. big ben pub on providence/3rd.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:34 am
“those Yankee queers cheer like they done kilt Jesus again.”
/fixed
Oh, and Zaxby’s > Chik-fil-A any day of the week. Too bad you can only find stores on the outskirts of urban areas.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:36 am
@ TylerDurden: Nice!
And Yes, Ohio state fucking blows., My sister moved up there a while back and there was nothing sweeter than her being the only Gator fan at a gathering to watch the OSU/UF nat’l championship game. I wish it would have been me.
/there are still plenty of southerners in FL too!
December 4th, 2008 at 11:40 am
God, I hate the Jews. Also, the Bucs-Panthers game this week is the biggest game in the NFL so far.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Zaxby’s is ok. I do love Zax sauce. But I will not rest until Bojangles get the credit it deserves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XKhRx3udxk
December 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am
@Lucky: Zaxby’s chicken is terrible. Chik-fil-a is so far superior it is mind-bottling that someone could possibly argue otherwise.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
@Day Man: Fighter of the Night Man: Sir Purr? omg… I’m in trouble.
I’m pretty sure she just wants to ‘cuddle’ him but she knows he’s a randy old cat and would blatantly try it on with her. Filthy fucking pussy…
December 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
It was the “War of Northern Aggression and it had nothing to do with slavery. (Think I’m lying - what year did the WONA start? What year did Congress pass the 13th amendment? (freeing the slaves).
Good point. Also, the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s had nothing to do with civil rights, because Congress didn’t pass the Civil Rights Act until 1964.
Quod Erat Dumbshit.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
it’s Mary Ann, not Mary Jane, stop being so ignant!
December 4th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I’d like to propose that we name the Panthers fan “Rum Tum Tugjob.”
December 4th, 2008 at 11:45 am
What does Panthers fan think of Southerners who go to horse races wearing big floppy hats (girls) and seer sucker suits (guys)? Is this acceptable, or is this just another form of uppityness? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as Jewry, but is he able to make the distinction between being well off and being Jewish? Inquiring minds want to know.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:47 am
if Lee had flanked Meade ya’ll would be paying taxes
Sweet baby Jesus, what kind of Southerner doesn’t know how to spell “y’all”?
Also, I’ve lived in the South for thirty years and never once heard of “sun tea.”
December 4th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Oh ok, that should have been my first guess.
@ Dandy
I wouldn’t consider myself a Gators fan but whenever those idiot Ohio State fans do that O-H-I-O chant at the bars down here in Charlotte I always start doing the Gator chomp….its a good way to start a fight.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Ape, from now on let Punte do the Carolina accent writing……he’s a Yankee pinko living down here and as such has a much better grasp of how the natives speak.
Oh……and needs more “pinko” and NASCAR”.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:51 am
DHD: Also, I’ve lived in the South for thirty years and never once heard of “sun tea.”
Then you haven’t lived here long enough.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Only retards call it the War of Northern Aggression. And you can always tell how smart someone is when they still seem to be mad about a war that ended almost 150 years ago. Way to move on.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:54 am
@ Otto: You can’t argue with that airtight logic. Like when we began the War on Terror, and then were attacked by terrorists.
Southern Schools: Yee haw.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:56 am
@ The Gooch
I believe you are talking about UVA students who do that shit at Foxfields. I don’t know what you qualify them as….other than assholes?? I know there has to be a couple of UVA grads who read this blog that can back me up on that haha.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I just googled “sun tea” and most of the articles have to do with how it’s unsafe to drink and poses a bacteria risk. Maybe that explains what went wrong with Tyler.
I guess I never lived in the real south, Stig. Just, you know, small town North Carolina and Savannah.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I lived down south for a few years. Oh, there’s some scary shit goin on down there once you get out of the cities, which are mostly transplants. I hired a guy from “deep” South Carolina to get rid of a couple of trees next to my house that got hit by lightning. He was cheaper than everyone else by 50%. He shows up to my house in a green, 20 year old pickup with 3 dudes in the back. One was wearing a southern civil war cap and one had sunglasses festooned with the stars and bars. They had chain saws for equipment. I asked the bossman how he planned to take down 2 70 foot trees with just chain saws. He said, “I’ma clime ‘em”. OK, I says. He scampers up one of the trees wearing lineman spikes, right to the fuckin top while it’s swingin around like the mast of a ship in a hurricane. He cuts a few feet and throws it down, away from the house and so on until both trees are gone. It took him less than an hour. While he was up there one of his “assistants” told me how they were all cousins living together and that the bossman supported them all. He also pointed out the squirrels jumping around in the trees and asked if I ever “et squirrel”. No, I says. “MMM,” he says, “better ‘en Pork”.
They were nice guys and did a great job at a ridiculously low price. But all in all, I couldn’t wait to move back up North to deal with the surly assholes who would have charged twice as much.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
yeah, i was born and raised in south carolina, currently live in charleston, and I have never heard of sun tea
December 4th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
SwtTeaFlaWa!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
http://i422.photobucket.com/albums/pp309/s123456789/spluyw.jpg?t=1228409891
He’s out there I tell ya!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Knoxville here. Never heard of suntea either.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Texas Mantra:
Anyone born north of the Red River is a gutless fuckin’ Yankee.
Anyone born east of the Sabine River is a toothless fuckin’ redneck.
Anyone born west of the Llano Estecado is a Hollywierd fuckin’ queer.
Anyone born south of the Rio Grande is a wetback fuckin’ meximelt.
Surprisingly, True Texans like the Hebrews. Happy Chanukah, motherfuckers!!!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@ Tyler
“WONA”
Seriously dude, it was 150 years ago. Get over it. Do you hear British people still complaining about how they “lost the colonies”?!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
NE FLorida born and raised, in the woods is where I spent most of my days.
Relaxing, maxing, acting all cool while shooting squirrels outside of the school.
The a couple of cops, they were up to no good, started causig trouble in the trailor hood.
Oops, sorry got sidetracked. I vaguely remember sun tea growing up down here.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I think we’re all missing out on the greatness of the commercial Optimus Prime Minister posted?I’ve seen alot of the Jake ones and some of the Steve ones but have never seen that one and I’m from Charlotte. Also do the other southern teams have people doing bojangles or is it just Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith all the time all over the South?
December 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Also, I can’t beleive with all this kibber jabber no one has even discussed the fat fuck getting painted like a fucking kitty yet. That look is just douchetastic!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
@ Day Man
Don’t hate on Foxfield. It is an all-day festival of hard liqour and fried chicken. Horses are few and far between.
BTW I like my floppy hat and sundress, thank you very much. If that makes me uppity, then so be it.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
No bojangles commercials in J’ville! Shit I don’t even think we have a bojangles anymore. Popeye’s, KFC, Zaxby’s and that’s it. Used to be Lee’s Fried Chicken. However, there is a little jewel fried chicken joint down here if anyone ever makes it this way. It’s an old school family owned joing called Beach Road Chicken and it is simply the shit PERIOD! You order a family meal and everything just comes piled in a cardboard box. Chicken, fries and biscuits bitches!!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Oh shit, forgot about Church’s chicken. It’s fucktastic, except they cut the shit up kind of funky. I’d eat one of their biscuits out of Roseanne’s ass if I had the opportunity!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
SwtTeaFlaWa!
+1
December 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@Hugh Jass: Losing Canada and half of Africa wasn’t such a big deal but when it came to losing Hong Kong… well that just fuckin’ blew.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
@ 2Wahoo
haha I am just trying to get the UVA people riled up. I actually grew up in Charlottesville and know what Foxfields is all about. I went to it once,….got blacked out drunk, wore a T-shirt and jeans and needless to say I got a lot of looks from people….but I have to admit I actually had a good time, getting blacked out drunk is always fun.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
A friend of mine wore jorts and a tye-dye t-shirt last year
December 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
It’s true. I don’t know The South. After all, I live Fake Virginia.
/still pays taxes to Richmond
December 4th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
@Tyler
This has mostly been done to death, but …
“We may appear to be a bunch of slack-jawed yokels, but if Lee had flanked Meade ya’ll would be paying taxes (and a heckuva lot less) to Richmond.”
Wrong. YOU might be paying taxes to Richmond. I live north of the Mason-Dixon line. I would be paying taxes to DC still..
Way to understand the aim of your “War of Northern Aggression.”
December 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I think half of the 18-30 demographic from WNY has moved to Charlotte.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
dAndy,
We used to have Sambo’s restaurants up here in PA. Being a child at the time, I was blissfully ignorant of how racist the theme of that restaurant was until years later. By then, it had morphed into a Perkins and then about three different other generic good-time foodeateries.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
What did it have old pictures/paintings of slavery posted everywhere? Those things are antique store gold round these parts! NO SHIT!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I’m having flashbacks to the art class scenes in Ghost World.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
This is what happens when you think responses from Southerners are worthy of dignifying with reading.
Bam Morrisey gets it.
TEXAS RULES!
December 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
http://i33.tinypic.com/nmbxuh.jpg
December 4th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
UVA grad here. Everyone who has ever attended Foxfields needs to die in a hail of gunfire. They’re the same cocksuckers who wear ties and sundresses to football games. Sea of Orange is the only good thing Al Groh has ever done.
Anyway, when I saw that this post had 88 comments (and counting), I knew that some dipshit wingnut (most likely Tyler Durden, possibly Shaved Yak) had kicked off a PoFlaWa. But I have to admit that I’m impressed that TD managed to keep things going for this long without making subsequent comments to keep the flame burning. Way to raise the bar.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
@dAndy
Thanks for pretty much ruining biscuits for me forever…
December 4th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I lived in New York for a year, and not having Chik-fil-A or Bojangles almost did me in
Jason Whitlock hears ya.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
can anyone explain to me why the south hates jews so much? we don’t even go there, except to florida, and that’s only when we’re old.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
RE JewDago Pick one:
* The Jews killed Jesus
* The Jews are mostly Yankees (the region, not the team)
* The Jews are associated with banking and finance, and everybody hates bankers
* The Klan told them to, I assume the Klan’s objection is that Jews aren’t Christians
December 4th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
And RE sun tea vs. sweet tea: I wasn’t aware that “sun tea” was a southern thing. Sun tea is a way of making tea - you put water and tea bags in a glass jar and put it out in the backyard (when it’s hot outside) in the sun and a couple hours later - ta da! Tea.
Sweet tea is just tea with sugar added.
I think tea sucks no matter how you make it, but whatever…
December 4th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
@Tyler - and let’s recall who initiated the first income tax… Jeff Davis. Yeehaw!
/fuck Bojangles, Price’s Chicken Coop is where to eat chicken in Charlotte. Blessed grease!
December 4th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
As a Panther fan in New York, I approve of this stereotype.