How You No Rike This Smirre?
When asked by a reporter why he thinks the Ravens hate everyone’s favolite smalt smirretime leceivel, Hines Ward was at a loss. After all, the Ravens put a bounty on him then issued a bullshit denial to the media so they wouldn’t get suspended. After mulling it over a bit, Hines gave a very telling answer:
Hating Hines’ smirre? That’s like hating puppy dogs, big luscious titties or The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray. It’s impossible. And here I thought I was capable of unreasoning hate. You Ratbirds are sick! Sick, I say!
Anyway, I’d like to wish dick/vaginal rot on the NFL scheduling people for moving this game to the 4 p.m. slot. See, I was out of town for my mom’s birthday back in August (getting yelled at by Warren Sapp), so I promised I’d take her to a play or concert of her choosing. Well, there was a lot of conflict in our schedules, but eventually she picked Trans-Siberian Orchestra at Verizon Center on Dec. 14. “Wait! That’s the day of the Ravens game.” Luckily, there were two shows, one at 2 and one at 7:30. Being a Smarty von Smartpants, I got tickets to the later show, figuring, “Hey, I won’t be able to go up to Baltimore again for the game (not like it helped the last three years), but I can still watch it at the Steelers bar. It’ll end at 4, then I’ll have plenty of time to mosey over to the restaurant and meet by mom for dinner at a quarter to 6.” Of course, I didn’t count on getting schedule-raped by the NFL. Fuckers.
MMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM C’MON! IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE YEAR! GAWD!
I could probably watch the first few drives before I have to leave, but I’m not going to torture myself like that. If I watch so much as the opening kickoff, there’s no chance I’m leaving until it’s over. Therefore, I’m DVRing this bitch, keeping my phone off and ignoring any person who tries to converse with me about any subject, lest they somehow tip the score. And don’t think the idea of eating the $100 I spent on the tickets and telling my mom to go with someone else hasn’t crossed my mind. But noooooo I’m a good son (YOU HEAR THAT, KARMA!?).
Fuck.
So, yeah, I’ll be having fun pissing off my neighbors by yelling at my TV from 10 ’til 1 in the morning. And bear in mind that if the Steelers lose I won’t be getting your gloating comments for a while, so you might want to address them to Future Ape. He’ll fume at them in due time.
Tags: hate, hines wald is stirr me favolite steerel, Homerism, May Ray-Ray get beat like Rahman, oh no I mentioned the Steelers - time for Leid and FozzieBear to bitch about it, open thread, reasons to shun your family, yeah yeah vikes-cards and broncos-panthers are good games too
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December 14th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
The Ravens’ fans hate Sexy Friday. How sick is that?
December 14th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
WELKAH! with a huge block, Pats up 7-0.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
This is one of those games that I want to either end in a tie or the stadium is blown up. I’ll be happy with either outcome.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
The Raiders have one foot on the first tee.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I guess it was kind of silly to hope that the anal-raiders would pull one out of the bag today wasn’t it?
Ragnamit.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
This is why the world hates the state of Arizona. All the Cardinals need to do is defend their home turf against Tarvaris fucking Jackson and a wide receiver who even the Bears didn’t think was worth the money. It’s sure been fun watching Brandon Lloyd, Marty Booker, and Rashied Davis. Fuck my life.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Well, on the plus side, if the Pats go up 42 early, maybe I’ll get to see the entire 2nd half of Steelers/Ravens.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
MUTHAFUCKIN TARVARIS, SON!!!
December 14th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Santonio Holmes and “pummeled from behind” is definitely something I don’t want to hear ever again
December 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Wow — all Raiders fans have to root for is their punter. That’s so depressing.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
21-0. Time for the vikes D to close the shop down for the day, y’all.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
and the Pats win. 21-0.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Oh for fuck’s sake, that is the best punter the Steelers could find?
December 14th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Oh noes!
December 14th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Wooow, Vikings are dominating right now. Interception, punt return for a touchdown, Tjax throws a good pass? I’m not sure what I’m seeing right now.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
byebye steelers
December 14th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
oh, wait a minute, the Pats D sucks. I forgot for a minute.
December 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Dear Future Ape,
Somebody poisoned the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee.
Regards,
Further in the Future placekickerholder
December 14th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I’m fairly confident the Sex Cannon has kidnapped Kurt Warner and is playing in his place to sabotage the Bear’s playoff hopes.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
my boy WELKAH! with anutha big play.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
and the Pats special teams also decided not to show up. are you fucking kidding me?
December 14th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Why didn’t the refs feel like prolonging the Steelers’ drive like they had done two times already?
December 14th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7782774.stm
These disgruntled cowboys fans really need to settle the fuck down…
December 14th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Can’t wait for the next Marmalard post after today’s game
December 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Steelers and Ravens can die in a chemical fire. Oh Tarvaris Jackson wants his job back? Who told him he could be an accurate pocket passer? Only Matty Ice can be that fundamentally sound.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Anyone want to teach the Cardinals to tackle. Maybe have Kurt Warner tell all his teammates that the Vikings are jewish?
December 14th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Clark run over by poor man’s brandon jacobs
December 14th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Flex scheduling sucks my balls. I got fucked in a similar fashion by the Giants/Panthers game next week.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
does anyone else get the feeling mike tomlin models his entire coaching style after denzel washingtons character in remember the titans?
December 14th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
‘He was confused’ is an acceptable reason to pick up a flag?
December 14th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
How is it remotely possible to fumble on ST from an onside kick and give the ball back to Marmarlard and company.
I was born with the ball skills of a particularly stupid pengin and I would have held that.
Stupid Chiefs putting Brady out. Stupid Applewhite.
This is all Goodell’s doing. I know it.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I shudder at what would happen if Ben had more than one receiver who could actually catch balls. Santonio and Nate have so many drops; Nate is literally incapable of catching a ball that hits him in the chest. Somehow they keep drafting guys with the soft hands of Milan Kraft.
December 14th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
The
Buzzsawsuckasses that are the Arizona Cardinals.December 14th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Phenomenal Milan Kraft reference, georger.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Seconded. Nicely done, g.
BTW, bidding for Ape’s cell # starts at $500.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Didn’t he say he was turning it off? Meaning even if we were to bombard him with texts, he still wouldn’t see them until after he watched the game?
December 14th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I’m having a hard time keeping up with all the scoring in Pitt/Baltimore.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Does anyone know how to setup my RSS reader to only grab the posts Drew participates in? Everyone else (Ufford especially) have been a yawn-inducing disaster lately. If I want to read boring tales about the personal travel schedules of guys paid to write about football, I’ll check out Peter King!
December 14th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ROGERS? WHY DOES MY SUNDAY TICKET FUCK UP EVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEND TO THE VIKINGS GAME YOU COCK SUCKERS. TED ROGERS SUCKS COCKS IN HELL! FUCKING FUCKER PRODUCT OF INCEST SPERM.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
CBS is showing Pats-Raiders, which is 42-20. And Ballmore and Shitzburgh are at 9-3 with the offenses going backwards. Damn regional scheduling.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Trans-Siberian Orchestra: The Choice of Moms Everywhere!
December 14th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I love Rongrastname with all my heart!!! FUMBLE BITCH!!!
December 14th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
go read another blog, Hanson. you suck.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
just got switched to Pitt/Baltimore. Is Hines Wald on the lag? Why does he have brood arr oval his ass?
December 14th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I’m not even willing to give Santonio enough credit to compare him to Milan Kraft at this point; he is in full blown Jani Rita territory now. Just horrible at everything. Is there some sort of building material that stuff bounces off of that rhymes with his name?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
And to keep the analogies going; Bruce Arians = Kevin Constantine.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
When will Big Ben’s Leg snap? Fuck him.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
hines ward all day… and i hate the stillers
December 14th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
nate washington dropped a pass? well i NEVER…
December 14th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
a SPIKE??? what the hell are they thinking? where are they hiding donovan mcnabb and andy reid??
December 14th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Smirre?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
that no touchdown. kick the figgie.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
doesn’t the ball have to cross the plane?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Holy shit. Baltimore riots start…now.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Scooooooooooooooooooore!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Absolute screwjob. The BALL has to cross the plain. Feet don’t mean shit.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Replays show Santonio’s penis was actually across the plane.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Refs are given bullet-proof vests, right?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
who deserves their win less…the jets or the steelers?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Our kicker is tougher than theirs.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Classic Jeff Reed move
December 14th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
You’re doing it wrong, Joe!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Yeah but come on, that kind of pushing and shoving happens on literally every play in the NFL, especially in a game like this. But I guess when the kicker does it after a PAT it’s more out of line?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
So, i’m up 22 points going into tomorrow night’s game. He’s got philly D, I’ve got Akers. How screwed am I against the Romeo’s narcoleptic road show, starring Ken Dorsey?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
2 things
1. Diehard Steelers fan here. Hate the Ravens. Doesn’t the ball need to cross the plain? How was that a TD?
2. Hey Baltimore, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers!!!!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
SMIRE!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Those two replays make up for the hitjob the refs have had out on the Steelers all year. After all the bogus pass interference calls and inexplicable defensive holding penalties called on defensive lineman engaged on an offensive lineman; they were due a few gifts.
Whatever; if the Ravens murders row (GET IT?) defense is so fucking awesome why did they let the Steelers march 90 yards in clutch time with little to no problems?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Blackbirds got screwed.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Go Cowboys!
December 14th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
No
December 14th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
/can’t wait for Ape’s 1 a.m. endless number of complaints about the Stillers game.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Georger it’s not often that I am so overwhelmed by such a nuanced analysis. Indeed, all referees should blow easy calls if they deem there has been a miscarriage of justice earlier in the season. Also I thought I thought your analysis of the Ravens defense was excellent. I mean if they’re so good why did they let them have a big drive? Honestly I can’t understand why people speak about the Ravens defense as if it’s good when opposing teams’ offensives manage to regularly get first downs on them more than 1 (1!) time a game. Thank you so much for your expertise. Perhaps a job at ESPN is in your future?
December 14th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I hope so, you have an in for me?
Obviously the Ravens defense is fantastic (though getting a bit old in some spots); I put it only behind the Steelers as far as best in the league goes (I don’t buy the Titans hype, or what is left of it). But they got walked over when it mattered, there is no denying that. And while the Steelers did have a slight advantage in time of possession it isn’t as if they were putting together any sustained drives that would have gassed the Ravens defense.
They got bitched when it mattered, bottom line.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
owned.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
It was a nice drive. It should’ve led to a 4th and Goal from the half yard line. No replay I saw looked like the catch was made over the goal line.
I was kind of looking forward to seeing if Tomlin would go for it on 4th down….well damn.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I’m pissed but I figured all those FGs in leu of TDs would come back to haunt. We still control our destiny and if we can’t beat that bipolar soap opera in Dallas and the Jagoffs then we don’t deserve any playoffs.
Fuckit. As a Raven fan who team has FINALLY located a professional QB to run our offense after 12 years of clowns and retreads I can’t be too upset. Everything else this season is gravy beyond finding our QB for the next decade.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I do not understand the Flacco hype. He could not make any of the easy passes that were available. Did anyone else see his “oh my god I blew the game because I’m not matty ice” face?
December 14th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I do not understand the Flacco hype. He could not make any of the easy passes that were available. Did anyone else see his “oh my god I blew the game because I’m not matty ice” face? Just manage the game dickface!
December 14th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
The Ravens didn’t get screwed, they lost. They let the Steelers march the ball all the way down the field when they needed a stop.
Make it 4 and goal on the six inch line and Ben sneaks it in anyways.
Game. Set. Division.
(I can’t believe there was a Milan Kraft reference here. Wow)
December 14th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Fuck the Ravens. Let it rest Balti-morons…..two losses= divsion title for the Stillers….eat it.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:53 am
All the holds on Harrison more than made up for anything on the final drive.
Whiny Bawlmer fans. Put a bounty on the refs while you’re at it.
2006 seems further and further away, doesn’t it? And Flacco is a great QB? Wasn’t he 11/28 for 115 yards and two picks? He cost the Ravens this game.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:17 am
Fuck! Fucking fuck! Did I said Fuck? I ment to say Fuck!
December 15th, 2008 at 9:36 am
The Ravens did not deserve to win the game, but Steelers fans whining about the refs after WINNING is really… not surprising. Sign me up among those hoping that karma makes them swallow a giant shitburger in the playoffs. Given their history of choking at home, it will not be too shocking.
Oh yeah… Flacco sucks, even for a rookie.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Thanks for the blow job, Coach Tomlin!