Honey, That Was An Amazing BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO Sandwich You Made!
Mmm! Ooh! Oh, my goodness! Honey, that may be the finest BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich you have made for me! It had everything that I wanted in a sandwich. The crispness of the bacon! The crunch of the lettuce! The juiciness of the tomato! I tell you what, honey. That may very well be the finest BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO food sandwich that I have had in this house!
(phone rings)
Oh, I’m sorry dear. Hold on a moment. I have to answer a call on my AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH WIRELESS TELEPHONE MACHINE.
(answers phone)
Hello? Yes, this is RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI, PART OWNER OF THE PHILADELPHIA SOUL OF THE ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI GOLF MANAGEMENT INCORPORATED OF BLACKWOOD, NEW JERSEY. How can I help you?
Ah, yes! You’re that man from the STATE OF NEW JERSEY DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES VEHICLE ASSOCIATION! That is, bar none, the FINEST MOTOR VEHICLE ASSOCIATION IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY! The niceness of the clerks! The shortness of the lines! I think it has the potential to be an OUTSTANDING bureaucracy in THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA NATION.
(guffaws)
How are you? Yes, I was calling in regards to my GENERAL MOTORS CARS TRUCKS YUKON SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE VEHICLE. Yes, the one I brought into to you today, at THREE THIRTY POST MERIDIAN, EASTERN STANDARD TIME. Yes, that’s right. The one I brought in TODAY, DECEMBER 17TH, THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2008, ANNO DOMINI. I was wondering when I could expect my new titles in the mail?
Ah, excellent. Let me make sure you have the correct address:
RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI
FOOTBALL ANALYST OF FOOTBALL GAMES, FOOTBALL PLAYERS, FOOTBALL COACHES, AND FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALLBALL for the ENTERTAINMENT AND SPORTS PROGRAMMING NETWORK
(guffaws)
1232 RIDGE DRIVE
BLACKWOOD, NEW JERSEY 08012, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COUNTRY, NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT, PLANET EARTH
Did you get all that? Oh, great!
(hangs up)
You know, dear? I still think that was the best BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich I’ve had in years! The creaminess of the Hellman’s Mayonnaise! The crunch of the toast! I love what I see when I look at it on the videotape playback machine device. You won’t find any of that in a PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH BREAD CONCOCTION EATING SANDWICH, I will tell you that!
(guffaws)
Dear, are you okay? You seem irritable. Are you PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROMING out? No? Oh, what a relief. I can’t stand it when you PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME out. The volume of the tears! The intensity of the slapping! You begin to really see how that can affect a woman. It is truly FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION. It is not a great WOMAN SICKNESS AILMENT.
I’m going to go to MANUFACTURERS AND TRADERS TRUST COMPANY BANK, where I will enter in my PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION NUMBER and get us about $500 in cash, AMERICAN. Be sure to REPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAIT to that party at the Tylers! I tell you, that Christmas party has the potential to be an AMAZING Christmas party celebratory holiday event blowout function shindig festive occasion occasion!
(guffaws)
And thanks for the OUTSTANDING BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO sandwich!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Jaws, people who refuse to use acronyms, people who use too many fucking words to describe one thing
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
December 17th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Now that is a fine pair of ladies glasses. It takes a special football analyst to pull that off.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I see CEO slipped through the cracks. Attention to detail Drew, attention to detail.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Not one mention of film analysis?
December 17th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Fucking Amazing Drew. (Guffaw)
December 17th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Let’s go to film of that BLT.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:19 am
i thought it was pre-menstrual. you know? like when the light turns yellow before it turns red?
December 17th, 2008 at 9:21 am
glad someone already caught “cheif exeutive officer”.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I;’ll fix that
December 17th, 2008 at 9:32 am
That had to be one of the most in depth written articles articulating the details of the details that Jaws details in his detailed analysis on this blog on the interwebs of the blogosphere in the united states of america. Yeah, really.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I don’t comment too much here, but this was fucking fantastic.
Well done Drew.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Jaws HAS TO BE related to Larry Merchant. There must be a link somewhere down there twisted and warped bloodlines…
December 17th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Yeah, definitely solid. Hate to nit-pick, but…
You had me at BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Awesome. I like Jaws but I don’t see why he feels the need to give an extended monologue after every damn play. ‘Hey, that was a pretty good tackle’ would be fine once in a while…
December 17th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Come on now, that address was practically abbreviated. You wanna bet Jaws doesn’t give it the full “Our Town” style address:
1232 RIDGE DRIVE, BLACKWOOD, GLOUSTER TOWNSHIP, CAMDON COUNTY, NEW JERSEY 08012, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COUNTRY, NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT, WESTERN HEMISPHERE, PLANET EARTH, THE SOLAR SYSTEM, THE UNIVERSE, THE MIND OF FAVRE
December 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I’m surprised no doors flew open to reveal Tony Kornheiser breaking in and mention how Brett Favre would LOVE a BLT like that one because NO ONE MAKES BLTs LIKE JAWS’ WIFE!!
December 17th, 2008 at 10:02 am
I’d never believe this post in a MILLION YEARS
December 17th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Fucking outstanding
December 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Almost as nice as a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean.
/Someone had to say it. Sorry it had to be me.
//Shows self out.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Don’t even get him started on Joint Analytic Warfare Systems or the Juneau Airport Wind System. The universe would probably implode in on itself.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Merril Hoge thinks Mrs. Jaworski’s BLT’s are overrated and the mayonnaise should be allowed to run a little more.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Tony Kornheiser wouldn’t have guessed IN A MILLION YEARS that Jaws’ wife was such a good cook. Mike Tirico, on the other hand, don’t dig on swine.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I realized while reading this that I dislike overusing words to describe life as much as the dicktards that overuse acronyms that are incredibly niche driven. No, Mr. IT dude, I did not actual take the courses that allow you to spew that shit in my face. Thank you very much! And don’t give me attitude because I don’t know the latest terms in your world. Do you know the medical terminology I use it my world? No? Do I ask you to? No? Hmmmmm. Now, that doesn’t seem equitable, does it?
December 17th, 2008 at 10:37 am
NFW does RONALD VINCENT “JAWS” JAWORSKI say “mayo” when he could say “Hellman’s Mayonnaise”
December 17th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Fixed
December 17th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Merril Hoge thinks Mrs. Jaworski’s BLT’s are overrated and the mayonnaise should be allowed to run a little more.
Every good sandwich needs a factorcondiment.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Excellent work, Drew.
But as long as you’re taking line edits, I have to think Jaws would’ve named the VEHICLE IDENTIFICATION NUMBER NUMBER, and probably referenced his PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION NUMBER NUMBER for usage at the AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE MACHINE.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Eh, I’m done fixing things for you people!
December 17th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Shit, you had the PIN in there. But I’d still go with PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION NUMBER NUMBER for the redundancy value of redundancy.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:59 am
This is unbelievably outstanding. It’s almost like all analysts got some type of death threat in the mail from Herr Goodell in the offseason to never use another acronym when referring to the NFL or anything associated with the NFL. It’s like they are trying to attract non-fans to the detriment of the 200 million people in this country that already know what NFL stands for.
Maybe NFL doesn’t translate that well in China? Nationar Footbarr Reague?
And Jaws is one over-descriptive bastard. Get back in the film room swine!
December 17th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Viewers:
I looked at the video of the Internet Web Log Posting that Big Daddy Andrew Schuyler Magary wrote regarding yours truly, and I found it to be riddled with errors.
[Cut to game tape]
Look at the way Magary makes an emphasis to spoof my tendency to draw out sentences by never using abbreviations. BUT HE DOESN’T ACCOUNT FOR THE BLINDSIDE RUSH.
Here, from another angle, you can see Magary chuckling to himself as he writes this, completely unsuspecting the weak-side linebacker beating the left tackle. That’s a recipe for disaster in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am
He’s just trying to cover up the fact he’s from Lackawanna.
Its so bad, al queda recruits from there.
Wait, is Jaws over descriptive or giving out clues to sleeper cells across the country?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Gee, Jaws would be a great PITCHMAN, donchyatink? HH@showoffsports.com
December 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am
@Ape: +1
December 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am
@ Otto Man
As I read this post, I was forming a couple ATM and PIN gags in my head, but then found that you, as usual, beat me to it. Schuyler-Bag.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Fuck Drew, why would you mention mayonnaise? I fucking hate mayonnaise.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Having worked in Philly sports radio, I can 100% confirm that not only does he answer the phone like that, his voice mail is exactly that. No, not, the gist of it is correct, the ENTIRE. FUCKING. THING. is correct.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
1232 RIDGE DRIVE
BLACKWOOD, NEW JERSEY 08012, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COUNTRY, NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT, PLANET EARTH
So, is it in the Milky Way galaxy or some other galaxy?
December 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Sorry I blocked your cock, Gino.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I don’t watch football, so I have to guess that he’s redundant? A really, really lot?
Why do you people watch football, again?
December 17th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
so that’s what RSVP actually means.
stupid french homotards.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I’ll bet Jaworski refuses to get anything monogrammed.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
what a waste of tirico. he speaks so well.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
@Gino: Jaws does (or used to do) local spots for AAMCO Transmissions, which he must have been dying to say as “ANTHONY A. MARTINO COMPANY TRANSMISSIONS.”
December 17th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I actually counted the number of times he said FOOTBALL during his pregame ramble two weeks ago: 9. That includes twice in one sentence.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
A wonderful, fabulously written KISSING SUZY KOLBER WEBSITE ARTICLE ARTICLE.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
@ Chamomiles Davis
I didn’t know that’s what AAMCO stood for- I figured it was “Auto America Company” or something stupid like that. Jaws probably didn’t like saying “DOUBLE A- BEEP! BEEP!- M-C-O!” in those commercials.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Ah, I see you’ve expanded my joke. Way to be original!
December 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Harf harf harf.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
@Bill: Yes, because Lord knows you were the first and only person to notice that Jaws does that.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:34 am
I agree this is fucking hilarious.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:18 am
So if I started writing about the Sex Cannon you wouldn’t throw a fit? Please.
But hey, I’m flattered. This idea-stealing just shows that you really don’t hate me as much as you claim
December 18th, 2008 at 5:09 am
An Article about Merril Hoge getting Mugged in an ALLEY is well needed..