God Explains Week 16 Of The NFL
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 16 in the NFL happen as they did.
What? What’s this? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? I’m sorry. It’s my son’s birthday tomorrow, and I frankly have clue what to get the little fucker. I go up to my son and I say, “Son, what would You like this year?” And, I shit you not, this is what the kid says back:
Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.
You listen to me, you little fucking snot. I AM IN HEAVEN. I RUN THE MOTHERFUCKER. So don’t play coy with me on this shit. Remember on your 33rd birthday when I gave you the burden of all man’s sins? Not a fun gift, was it? No, I remember you being quite vocal about your reluctance to accept that little trinket. DON’T THINK I WON’T FUCK YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
You know what? Fuck this. I’m getting the kid an iTunes gift card. Let him download all the shitty Michael W. Smith songs he likes. I heard you can buy the entire “I Can Only Imagine” compilation for under $10. And if he doesn’t like it, then next year I’m getting him a pack of cigarettes. SMOKE UP, JOHNNY!
Anyway, this week I decided to smack down the playoff hopes of several teams: The Jets, Broncos, Vikings, and Eagles. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THEM, THAT’S WHY. I don’t need a why. That’s why I’m God. If I did it, that is my will. AND YOU WILL ACCEPT IT LIKE THE WEAK-MINDED LITTLE SHEEP YOU ARE! NOW GO STICK A TREE IN YOUR HOUSE AND SING WEIRD SONGS ABOUT MY KID! AND DON’T SEND HIM ANY VANILLA CUPCAKES! HE’S ALLERGIC! I RULE!
December 24th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
God gets childish around the holidays.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
so in turn,desecration of the terrible towel isnt sacriligious. lendale walked his ass to the shoney’s buffet immediately after doing so with no bolt of lightening striking him down. bring the wrath of,well,yourself on steeler fans that throw dishrags at nfl benches and whine like faggots when the current and future convicts on the field decide to do some foul shit to them. you get what you ask for. wait,that rant was soooooooo monday morning. sorry for beating a dead horse god,i dont mean to offend you
December 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
That last comment was insaner than the book of revelations.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I’m betting someone hasn’t gotten their daughter a Malibu Stacy yet.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
God won’t strike down LenWhale. At least not until he eats Jonah.
December 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Does not believing in God mean that the Broncos playoff hopes remain intact (at least through Sunday night)? How does that exactly work?
December 24th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
the book of revelations makes perfect sense
December 24th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
THERE WILL BE LOCUSTS,THERE WILL BE FIRE,AND OH YES,THERE WILL BE BLOOD…..
December 24th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
not your best effort
December 24th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
That last bit about the tree and the songs perfectly sums up why I don’t buy into Christmas OR organized religion. I’ll be sending this to my parents as explanation for why I’m not there yet again this year.
@Sonic Tooth: I sure as hell hope that’s the case. My lack of faith alone could take them to the Super Bowl!
December 24th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
God, can the Eagles please beat the Cowboys this weekend? Please?
December 24th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Damn, who poured sand in God’s vagina?
December 24th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
calling Jesus a little shit on christmas eve = awesome
December 24th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
The Eagles are gonna get Romo-raped on Sunday. There I said it. McNothin’ will be killing worms again with those lovely inaccurate passes. And your Eagles QB of the future Kevin Kolb is going to throw three pick-6’s just to end the 2008 season on a perfectly sour note for the fans.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Yes. A Broncos’ victory through absolute atheism. It is the only way.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I totally feel God, I’ve been in a foul mood all week. Damn Christmas.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
he almost sounded like JJ at the end there. yaaaaaahaw!
December 24th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
or possibly yeeeeeehaw
December 24th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
YAAAAAAAAWEH! GOD IS FUCKING CRAZY!
December 24th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
God gave me a fantasy championship. He can be a dick for the rest of the year for all I care.
December 24th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Broncos are gonna win and go to the playoffs. Thats what I’m praying for tonight. A broncos win!
December 24th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
fanfuckingtastic
December 24th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I think God’s psissed because he smite the Vikings down by mistake.
December 24th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
A few things God was overheard saying at His Celestial Christmas Party:
- “More punch, Aphrodite?” [drunkenly gropes her as Mary looks on and sighs heavily]
- “Hey, Buddha, how’s life in the fat lane? Don’t worry, we’ve got a bigger buffet this year.”
- “Another suicide bombing? Really? Way to go, Muhammad.”
- “Hanukkah? Pft. My assistant made up that holiday.”
- “Jesus! Jesus! C’mere and show everybody that trick you do. Get over here and DO IT! NOW!”
- “Frankly, I don’t like the Hindu gods, but I have to invite them anyway.”
December 24th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
So, God mocks his Kid by ragging on the whininess of the Agony in the Garden?
Mmmm…sacrelicious.
December 24th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I thought we only capitalized Kid when we’re talking about Wes Welker.
December 24th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
for the love of fuck can it please pay off for me to be an atheist vikes fan ONE TIME
December 24th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
sorry to disappoint,mahmahlahd stawmps cutlah in tha fackin nuts this sunday. no postseason fa you bronco cawksuckahs! -sorry,still entertaining myself with the quinzee speak. at any rate cutler smug prick,pray hard,cuz i dont think its going to happen,but,with this being an open forum to god himself,maybe you guys could work something out.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
i think mr.god is just happy cuz jabba the huts fighting irish are beating,uh oh,HAWAI’I. but he’ll take a win how he can get one.at least its some good news from the catholics…..
December 25th, 2008 at 2:29 am
Merciful father, pleeeease let Welkaaaaaaah choke next week. Please?
December 25th, 2008 at 4:26 am
G-d is telling it like it is!
Gino
Sounds like the South Park episode Super Best Friends
December 25th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
“Anyway, this week I decided to smack down the playoff hopes of several teams: The Jets, Broncos, Vikings, and Eagles.” Don’t forget the Bucs! Everyone forgets about them. Even all-knowing deities apparently.
Oh and BTW God, next year please just make the Jets suck the entire year. It’s much easier that way. As long the Pats don’t make the playoffs too I won’t mind too much.