Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 16 in the NFL happen as they did.

What? What’s this? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? I’m sorry. It’s my son’s birthday tomorrow, and I frankly have clue what to get the little fucker. I go up to my son and I say, “Son, what would You like this year?” And, I shit you not, this is what the kid says back:

Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.

You listen to me, you little fucking snot. I AM IN HEAVEN. I RUN THE MOTHERFUCKER. So don’t play coy with me on this shit. Remember on your 33rd birthday when I gave you the burden of all man’s sins? Not a fun gift, was it? No, I remember you being quite vocal about your reluctance to accept that little trinket. DON’T THINK I WON’T FUCK YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

You know what? Fuck this. I’m getting the kid an iTunes gift card. Let him download all the shitty Michael W. Smith songs he likes. I heard you can buy the entire “I Can Only Imagine” compilation for under $10. And if he doesn’t like it, then next year I’m getting him a pack of cigarettes. SMOKE UP, JOHNNY!

Anyway, this week I decided to smack down the playoff hopes of several teams: The Jets, Broncos, Vikings, and Eagles. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THEM, THAT’S WHY. I don’t need a why. That’s why I’m God. If I did it, that is my will. AND YOU WILL ACCEPT IT LIKE THE WEAK-MINDED LITTLE SHEEP YOU ARE! NOW GO STICK A TREE IN YOUR HOUSE AND SING WEIRD SONGS ABOUT MY KID! AND DON’T SEND HIM ANY VANILLA CUPCAKES! HE’S ALLERGIC! I RULE!