Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 14 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello my children. I trust that you enjoyed the bounty of football goodness I provided for this, the 14th week of the NFL season. As the regular season winds down we turn our attention to the holiday season. For Me the holidays are a lonely time when all the love and worship is doled out to Jesus and his ex-boyfriend, Santa. And what do I get? Not a single Me damned thing, that’s what. This is why I’ve always been such a strong proponent of the Secret Santa method of giftology. You see, everyone gets together and picks a name out of a hat, and the name you draw will be the recipient of a special gift. This way everyone gets a piece of the sweet holiday action, and anybody who receives a particularly awesome present is compelled to reciprocate with sexual gratification. Keeping that in mind, let’s get down to some explanations.

-The 49ers of San Francisco defeated the misguided Jets of New York because one special young lady prayed to me on behalf of her Secret Santa recipient.

The giftee, shown here in actual size.

This tiny little man is Dexter, who in addition to serving as the obnoxiously loud yeller coxswain for Harvard’s Lightweight Crew team, is a huge homer for his San Francisco 49ers. Dexter’s Secret Santa was so earnest in her (or his!) request that I had little choice but to alter the trajectory of Brad Smith’s lateral to send it into his own endzone. Had it not been for that timely gust of wind Leon Washington would have taken the kick back for a touchdown, but such is the power of Secret Santa. Now Dexter it is your duty to reciprocate with mouth love when your mysterious benefactor makes himself (or herself!) known.

Oh, and you should probably kick some money over to Fisher House as well. I mean come on, you’re on the fucking Harvard crew team for fuck’s sake, you kind of owe the rest of the world a little something. Speaking of which, is Hector Elizondo still coaching crew up there? I always liked that guy.

-The Patriots of New England were allowed to come from behind to win against the Seahawks of Seattle because I’m setting up their entitled fans for the greatest downfall imaginable. You see, taking away Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, and all of their running backs has done nothing to curtail their hubris. This is why I will continue to allow their success, right up until the playoffs. Then, when all of the Massholes have reached the apex of assholery I will strike down Bill Belichick with a lightning bolt at the exact moment that the Patriots are eliminated.

-The Vikings of Minnesota overcame a spirited effort from the Lions of Detroit because I just love riling up the citizenry of Detroit. Oh what, you don’t like your offensive linemen? Well then why don’t you show them by setting random cars on fire? It’s what your parents and grandparents would have done!

-The Texans of Houston defeated the Packers of Green Bay because I have Matt Schaub on my fantasy team and I really needed to make the playoffs. We have a loose “no tampering” rule in our all-deity fantasy league, but that didn’t stop Yahweh when I played against He and Sage Rosenfels during Week 9. No way a that JewB throws two touchdowns on the Vikings defense without some help from above.

-The Saints of New Orleans were victorious against the Falcons of Atlanta because I had just watched this documentary and I was feeling pretty bad for turning their city into the country’s largest (and fourth dirtiest) wave pool.

-I didn’t give an explanation for the particular game you’d hoped because I secretly hate you and wish you’d never been born into my kingdom.

Oh, and in case anyone out there drew My name, I’ve had my eye on this hood thong for a while now…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up My bathroom floor.

Thanks, God! And thanks to ShareBro Alex for the hood thong inspiration.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Update: Okay okay, you coughed up some cash, so here’s your token girl with gun pic of the day. Enjoy.