God Explains Week 13 Of the NFL Season
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 13 in the NFL happen as they did.
Hello my children. I trust that all of you are all preparing to celebrate the miraculous birth of my divine progeny in a tasteful and understated manner.
Oh come the fuck on! What is wrong with you people? You’re starting to make me think that the atheists are actually smarter than the believers. You people are getting on my last damn nerve, and no, I cannot protect you from terrorists. Terrorism is a machination of man, and it is up to man to stop the terrorists. I’m pretty much useless on this front, so don’t expect me to be watching your back while you’re preaching the good word. Let’s just move on to the explanations of Week 13’s games.
-The Buzzsaw that is the Cardinals of Arizona were destroyed by the once floundering Eagles of Philadelphia because I was recently reminded that Will Leitch stopped going to church. Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Leitch. Just because some Sunday school kids made fun of you for reciting My Prayer in less than 1.5 seconds. Of course you’re welcome back in My house any time you wish, but please make an effort to pray in unison with the rest of the congregation.
-The Lions of Detroit suffered the most brutal of their many defeats this season at the hands of the Titans of Tennessee because I want the Lions and the NFL to be thoroughly embarrassed. You see, I too enjoy the Thanksgiving Day football games and I hate the Lions more than anyone. I mean, have you heard what they used to do to the believers in the old days? I knew I’d regret giving them all of those sharp teeth. But getting back to the point, the Lions of Detroit suck and if they ruin another final Thursday in November I’ll be smiting left and right.
-The 49ers of San Francisco were able to scrape by the Bills of Buffalo by a score of 10-3 because I wanted to make sure that Chris Berman had as little as possible to work with should he have chosen to include this debacle in his obnoxious highlight package.
-The Redskins of Washington suffered an unfortunate defeat at the hands of the Giants of New York, although it wasn’t always supposed to go down like that. Then I tuned in to watch the Sean Taylor tribute, only to see it emceed by George Michael. GEORGE FUCKING MICHAEL! That wrinkled old cock isn’t fit to emcee a game of bingo, let alone to honor a beloved member of a community on the 1 year anniversary of his murder. That is without question more insulting to the deceased than playing Big Things Poppin’ on the PA system. I had no choice but to hand the game to those undeserving Giants.
That’s it, I’m out.
Thanks, God!
Tags: blasphemy, god explains the NFL, sacrilicious, Unsilent Majority
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
You didn’t think it was classy how he unveiled the banner by pulling a lever?
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Thanksgiving is on the 4th Thursday in November, not the final Thursday.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I thought it was classy how the Redskins handed out their version of the Terrible Towel to all the fans. Long may they wave the Severed Femoral Artery Tourniquets of Hope.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Would you rather have him rub the lever vigorously?
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Deah Gawd,
How could you let Wes Welkah (the greatest recievah in the history of recievahs- we all know this) get cheap shotted like that? and by a dahkie? I haven’t been this pissed at you since Father Brian Doheny pohked me in the rectum in the rectahry at St Francis of Assisi.
Never again will I pray to you,
Tawmy
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
<– Suddenly feels bad about every rape joke he’s made about Will Leitch.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Heavenly father – please help Marmalard have a strong game against the Raiders this week. I need him to play well in order to advance to the next round of my fantasy playoffs.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
um God? whats up with that whole Plaxico situation. Why do you give fucktards like him so much and leave me eating canned soup for dinner several times a week? Are you testing me?
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
So if man has to put a stop to what man has created, does this mean we can’t count on you to destroy the Fox Robot once and for all?
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
@CR:
You get canned soup? Lucky!
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Thanks for bringing Favre and the Jets back to Earth. All that Giants-Jets Super Bowl talk was a waste of time.
Everyone knows it’ll be the fahkin Pay-tree-uts beatin’ some team filled wit those in-feh-e-or dahkies!
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
The Vineyard Vines whale belt would go great with a “The Black Dog” t-shirt
/have never been to Martha’s Vineyard but hate everything about it
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Who’s this Will Leitch and what’s he got to do with sports blogs?
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“Ed Buckner, head of the atheist group, tells AP that Kentucky is the only state ‘that is attempting to dump their clear responsibility for protecting their citizens onto God or any other mythological creature.”
priceless.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
@impressive: you’re right, I should just be grateful its not canned cat food.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Our God is an awesome God.
December 4th, 2008 at 2:12 am
John Howard is the son of Wade “Gravy Drinkin’” Phillips.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:01 am
As I suspected… even God can’t explain Broncos-Jets.
December 4th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Broncos-Jets is a test of our faith. We must trust that we won’t accidentally end up with Broncos-Bucs in the SB.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Is there anything left to smite in Detroit? I’m pretty sure that place is all smoted out.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Dear lord baby Jesus, thank you for having Matt Cassel turn the ball over 4 times so at least we don’t have to hear talk about if the Patriots should trade Tom Brady. Yay God. Amen.