Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 13 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello my children. I trust that all of you are all preparing to celebrate the miraculous birth of my divine progeny in a tasteful and understated manner.

Oh come the fuck on! What is wrong with you people? You’re starting to make me think that the atheists are actually smarter than the believers. You people are getting on my last damn nerve, and no, I cannot protect you from terrorists. Terrorism is a machination of man, and it is up to man to stop the terrorists. I’m pretty much useless on this front, so don’t expect me to be watching your back while you’re preaching the good word. Let’s just move on to the explanations of Week 13′s games.

-The Buzzsaw that is the Cardinals of Arizona were destroyed by the once floundering Eagles of Philadelphia because I was recently reminded that Will Leitch stopped going to church. Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Leitch. Just because some Sunday school kids made fun of you for reciting My Prayer in less than 1.5 seconds. Of course you’re welcome back in My house any time you wish, but please make an effort to pray in unison with the rest of the congregation.

-The Lions of Detroit suffered the most brutal of their many defeats this season at the hands of the Titans of Tennessee because I want the Lions and the NFL to be thoroughly embarrassed. You see, I too enjoy the Thanksgiving Day football games and I hate the Lions more than anyone. I mean, have you heard what they used to do to the believers in the old days? I knew I’d regret giving them all of those sharp teeth. But getting back to the point, the Lions of Detroit suck and if they ruin another final Thursday in November I’ll be smiting left and right.

-The 49ers of San Francisco were able to scrape by the Bills of Buffalo by a score of 10-3 because I wanted to make sure that Chris Berman had as little as possible to work with should he have chosen to include this debacle in his obnoxious highlight package.

-The Redskins of Washington suffered an unfortunate defeat at the hands of the Giants of New York, although it wasn’t always supposed to go down like that. Then I tuned in to watch the Sean Taylor tribute, only to see it emceed by George Michael. GEORGE FUCKING MICHAEL! That wrinkled old cock isn’t fit to emcee a game of bingo, let alone to honor a beloved member of a community on the 1 year anniversary of his murder. That is without question more insulting to the deceased than playing Big Things Poppin’ on the PA system. I had no choice but to hand the game to those undeserving Giants.

That’s it, I’m out.

Thanks, God!