Fantasy Football Is a Cruel Mistress: One Douchebag’s Season of Idiocy in Review
Note: If you’re one of those people that doesn’t want to hear about fantasy teams, best move along to the next post. This one’s pretty self-indulgent.
For years I avoided playing fantasy football because I’m very protective of my free time, and I already spend too much time staring at this goddam computer screen. I finally caved last year because Yahoo’s Andy Behrens made a 12-team blogger league where we could play for free. I made the six-team playoffs, finished fifth, and was hooked.
This year, with a girlfriend living in London and a ghost of a social life, I fell off the deep end. I drafted Tom Brady first overall and Marc Bulger as his backup, and my immediate need for a decent quarterback bred in me an obsessive-compulsive streak to tweak my roster. In 14 weeks I’ve made 36 moves (not counting the four waiver moves this week), 20 more than the second-most active manager. I engineered two of the three trades in the league (Ryan Grant to Behrens for Kurt Warner in late September, and BenJarvus and Pennington to Shanoff for Brandon Marshall and Matt Schaub just before the trade deadline – SUCKA!).
And you wanna know what excessive tinkering gets you? A 6-7 record after you single-handedly mismanage your way out of at least three wins. Some of my fantasy highlights this season:
Week 3: I’m 2-0, but goddammit, T.J. Houshmandzadeh is NOT producing. I bench that fuckface against the Giants for Bryant Johnson — he’s totally due for a breakout! And he’s playing the Lions! Housh gets 146 yards and touchdown for 20 points, Bryant gets me two for a net loss of 18 points. I lose to Unsilent Majority by nine. I swear to God it made sense at the time.
Week 8: I’m up against Shanoff, who notoriously sucks at fantasy. When I find out that his starting WR Santonio Holmes will be sitting out after his pot bust, I taunt him over email. His sincere response is “Thanks! I wouldn’t have realized it otherwise!” He starts Kevin Walter in his place, who gets 70 yards and two TDs as Shanoff — who didn’t even start a kicker or defense — beats me by three points. Also, I start Jeff Garcia instead of Warner. I fucking hate myself.
Week 9: It’s Sunday morning, and the only QBs on Daulerio’s roster are Philip Rivers (bye) and Carson Palmer (out). I use my four expendable roster spots to pick up any QB who might be worth a shit, leaving him only the run-heavy Ravens’ Flacco against the Browns. Flacco gets 17 points, I lose. Granted, I lost by more than 17, but I bring this one up because the Yahoo projections predicted I’d score 93 to Daulerio’s 62. Daulerio beats me 90-72. Fuck you, Yahoo projections.
Week 12: I desperately need a win against Maj to have a realistic shot at the playoffs. Late in the week, with Brandon Jacobs looking iffy for the Arizona game, I plug in Derrick Ward for LenDale White, who’ll be facing the run-tough Jets. Eight minutes before kickoff, the word is that Jacobs will play, and I see that 67% of Yahoo players are starting LenDale, considerably higher than the percentage starting Ward. I freak out and make a knee-jerk switch. White gets 1 touch and zero points. Jacobs doesn’t play, and Ward gets 15 points. I lose by 12. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
In the end, with a miraculous Week 13 win against league points leader Behrens, I jumped ahead of three teams to make the playoffs at 6-7, despite my best efforts to fuck everything up. And who cares what happens in the playoffs, man. All I care is that I’m playing. That’s all I want out of fantasy football, every week, 52 weeks a year. Just to have an added rooting interest in the games. GIVE IT TO FORTE YOU STUPID FUCK LOVIE!
I’m going to be suicidal come Week 17.
This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.
Tags: captain caveman, fantasy football, of course fantasy football is nerdy
December 10th, 2008 at 11:25 am
You made the playoffs at 6-7? What’s your league name, “AFC West?”
Still, there’s nothing like being the worst team in the playoffs and accidentally winning it all because these are the weeks when playoff teams start relaxing a little, mediocre teams give up, shitty teams inexplicably start playing their asses off for “respect,” and coaches start going through the lower end of the roster to see what they’ve overlooked. How else could Ron fucking Dayne be a major fantasy playoff factor for 3 of the last 4 years?
December 10th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Preaching to the converted, CC.
I need to go to some sort of over-coaching interventoin in March. I have single-handedly torpedoed my team more times than I can count.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:28 am
It that Drew with his Nike ensemble tucked into his sweatpants? niiiice.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Iracane is flipping out somewhere…
December 10th, 2008 at 11:30 am
You need a local girlfriend or fuckbuddy to distract you from FF.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Fantasy football systems ought to have a GM indicator for whenever you propose a trade. Something that’ll pop-up like the Windows helper and say “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?! DON’T MAKE THAT TRADE!”
It’d help cut in excessive moves by overtly-anal ff owners…or every owner by Week 6.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Wow, you have an African-American in your league. You must be part of that northeast liberal establishment I keep reading about.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Are bloggers allowed to have girlfriends? Oh, she “lives in London” I get it.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I wish my life could be as fulfilling and productive as yours.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I have to ask… how did you justify starting Garcia over Warner in Week 8? Was it the worse defensive matchup Garcia had? Was it Garcia’s 1 TD/game average compared to Warner’s 2 (and Garcia had only played against one real defense at the time, in Carolina, and otherwise had very easy passing matchups)? Was it the fact that Warner was coming off a bye and may have been too well rested? Did you get the receivers for the games mixed up, and somehow thought Tampa Bay had the two top WRs in the league? Was Warner passing for so many yards each game that you were afraid his old body was just going to get worn out?
The other moves I can understand, but that one baffles me. I see no way to spin that in any way to make Garcia a good start over Warner.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I just realized you may have simply forgotten and left Garcia in after Warner’s bye. Though that would seem very odd considering you apparently paid so much attention to the status of your opponent’s players that week. :p
December 10th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Nothing beats missing the playoffs 2 years in a row in a 4 playoff team league when you lead the entire league in points both years.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:50 am
“BenJarvus and Pennington to Shanoff for Brandon Marshall and Matt Schaub just before the trade deadline.”
Can I be in Shanoff’s league? How did this trade not get voted down? Did you throw in a bottle of the good stuff or a bag of weed? Jesus.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Shanoff had too many WRs and needed RBs, and BenJarvus was coming off of several straight solid weeks. I sold high.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:54 am
So is this the wrong time to ask whether I should start Rodgers or the Cutlerfucker this weekend for my playoff life?
December 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Try having top points for the season, third best record, victories over 5 of the 6 playoff teams and still missing out because the gimps in your league decided on draft day that simply having the first and second teams in each division advance would be easier to understand than the NFL wildcard tiebreakers. Fuck me to tears…
December 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
The cure to fantasy football frustration? Suicide leagues.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I have to ask… how did you justify starting Garcia over Warner in Week 8?
I honestly have no idea how that happened. The best explanation is that I’m retarded.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
The cure to fantasy football frustration? Getting a life.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
nothing less interesting than FF sob stories than maybe stories about bad poker beats. So I’ve got a King high flush, when…
December 10th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
How about Sex Panther DeAngelo Williams? 60% of the time, he fucks my fantasy team every time.
Up by 28.5 with only him to compete against, in the playoffs! He gets 30. Hang me with a frozen rope.
At 11:35 pm EST that night, i checked the [fantasy] score before i went to sleep. DAW had 8 points, the beginning of the 4th quarter. So I rested easy, confident in my win. Then he gains 100 yards and gets 2 TDs in the last 13 minutes. Thanks, vaunted Tampa Bay D!
The real travesty was Antonio Gates and Rotten Crotchery only getting me 1 pt and i lose by 1.5.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
There’s a reason I gave up on FF two years ago. And seasons like this is why.
There’s nothing more pathetic than crying about the missed chance to trade for Matt Forte and Steve Slaton for Tony Romo then watching Romo get injured.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@Slothrop, BurritoBrosShits: Here’s the first line of the entry:
Note: If you’re one of those people that doesn’t want to hear about fantasy teams, best move along to the next post. This one’s pretty self-indulgent.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Jesus, that’s the biggest fucking trophy I’ve ever seen. Who the fuck would want that thing in their house? That’s like putting up a “I hate fucking pussy” sign on your wall.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
It’s nice to see the AV club palying Fantasy Football.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
/looks in mirror
I don’t feel very good about myself.
//looks at FFL draft picture
I’m a fucking stud.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
@Self – playing – you douche.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Tony Siragusa is looking pretty svelte.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
So you have Big Ben’s twin, Patton Oswalt, Randy from American Idol, the two geeks from Big Bang Theory and a Jim Norton lookalike in your league?
December 10th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Denim cargo shorts? Really? Really??
December 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
So this is what happens when the Dungeons and Dragons Club rejects you?
December 10th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
@ Captain Caveman
You started garcia over warner because during warner’s bye week, garcia posted up some great numbers. I would know, cuz i was in the same situation but i still started warner as soon as he came back…lol
December 10th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
What an attractive group of ex-athletes. Where’s Golic with the pizza, burgers, and pot roast for the post-draft buffet?
December 10th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’m shocked these 9 fags were able to agree on the wallpaper runner.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
@Matt: you mean, the pizza, burger and POT ROAST!? I think Golic ate them all on his way to the studio to remind us that world-class athletes like him are better than mere mortals…or the chud-looking people in that photo at the top.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
@Slothrop: Who tucks their Nike shirt into their Adidas sweats? Drew do!
December 10th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
@hardawayhatesyou:
touché. but back to my story; so I’m on the button, king high flush…Zzzzzz.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
This year I eked out a win by less than a point after my opponent’s kicker had his PAT blocked in the Monday Night Game – much better than last year when I lost by less than a point after Drew Brees went for 35 in the first round last year.
Also, how much booze could you have bought with that money instead of wasting it on the Jeff Garcia Dates Hot Quarterbacks Memorial Fantasy League Trophy of Questionable Heterosexuality?
December 10th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Wow, when did Simmons join the KSK team?
I never thought I’d get such a great look at the inner workings of the League of Dorks.
December 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Also, is that Siragusa on the left? I’m thinking you should add John Daly to the group. Also, my own fantasy story (self-indulgent douchetard!) – was down 23 points heading into MNF with two players left to play – MeAngelo and Measty Matt Bryant – game, set, match, in the playoffs, jumping from 7th to 5th in a 12-team league. Of course, I’ll be destroyed first round, as my competition has Manning (vs. DET), Welkaaaaaah (vs. OAK), and the Philly D (vs. CLE).
December 10th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Speaking as somebody who also barely qualified for Yahoo fantasy football league: fuck those Yahoo projections right in the pants!
December 10th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Wes Welker + Matt Forte + Thomas Jones = Championship
December 10th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
“the playoffs!” I barely qualified for the playoffs. These comments have made me lose my damn mind.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Dude, you have fantasy football A.D.D. I discovered this season that my personal key to success is drafting whist still intoxicated from the night before. (The draft started at 6:30 a.m. my time since all the other managers are two hours ahead of me and I didn’t go to bed till 3-ish) I was second or third place all season and did just find until the last few games. Further proof that drinking and football are god’s perfect union.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I like how the guy on the bottom right appears to be stretching out his leg muscles before all the physical exertion.
Just unbuckling my belt usually does it for me.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Despite leading in league total scoring, I missed the playoffs. I don’t have a joke, I just want to shoot something.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
My drafting this year was beyond superb. I picked up willis Mcgahee with my seond pick, followed by Carson Palmer with my third and Kevin Smith with my fourth. Yup, it would be fair to say I thoroughly deserved my 5-8 record.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Shit I did the SAME thing week 9 and Flacco burned me. And I thought I was so creative…
December 10th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
The first 13 weeks of my fantasy season were filled with highs (Anquan Boldin, Calvin Johnson, DeAngelo Williams) and lows (Larry Johnson, Willie Parker, Marvin Harrison). All of that led up to a play-in game between two 7-6 teams for the 4th and final roster spot. I had a 20ish point deficit (we have a high-scoring league) going into the TB-CAR game on Monday. I had Williams, he had Matt Bryant. I lost by 0.27. This after coming in 2nd to a girl last season. I fucking hate fantasy football.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
paralysis by analysis…happens every week, dude. don’t be too hard on yuhself. you could be bearded or in that pic below with Keanu Reeves in some bomb of a movie, ‘The Day The Earth Stood Still’. Isn’t that Johnny Utah? I too have tweaked the lineup mucho times and have managed to coral Lance Moore and Pierre Thomas by luck. I’m now naming my dogs, Pierre and Lance. HH@showoffsports.com
December 10th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Hey Captain, how about identifying the studly fellows shown in the photo for those of us not cool enough to be part of the sports blogging scene?
Good thing you were able to conduct the draft in someone’s parents’ basement. If you had done it in a public place, the groupies never would have left you alone long enough to complete it.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Oh is it sexy friday already?
December 10th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
How did they fit all you fat bastards on one short bus?
December 10th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Ape is officially the most stylish of all ya’ll simply by not appearing in that picture.
I, too, drafted Brady (and had Carson Palmer as a backu – yeah, thought I was stacked – but no). This means that I ended up starting 7 different QBs over the course of the season: Brady, Palmer, Silky, Mister J.T. O’Sullivan IV, Aaron Rodgers (trade), Kyle Orton (it worked!), and Peyton Manning (another trade).
The end result: I’m in the playoffs at 7-5-1 thanks to Andre Johnson, Roddy White, Forte, Bush, Grant, and a perfectly timed deadline trade for Brian Westbrook. Which makes up for the fact that I dropped Steve Slaton (that effing Behrens picked him up) in week 2 like a total idiot.
You had three trades all year in your league? Shit, man – we had 12 in my league, four of them involving me. It’s the only way to make a comeback.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:52 am
First year for me playing fantasy football. 2nd Best record in the league, highest scoring team in the league. Yeah, I just wanted to let you guys know that.
December 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
“Lives in London” is a weird name for your hand…
March 10th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
at least it makes watching the games on TV more exciting, especially if you are playing for money :D
-Rich
June 11th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Thanks for the useful info. It’s so interesting