Your regularly scheduled WHO YA GOT? is being
canceled postponed in favor of a liberal application of hate directed at Baltimore. Happy Holidays.
The NFL is finally catching onto the fact that the Steelers and the Ravens comprise the most heated rivalry going in the league right now. It’s got everything: hate, threats of violence, bragging about violence when it’s administered and two cities that have nothing better to do than obsess over sports. As someone well-versed in the ways of petty yet all-consuming hatred, I can tell you this is good shit.
Sure, the Ravens as a team are a band of craven tough-talking thugs who put out bounties on players after they lose, but there’s so much more to despise. Like the city they play in, for instance. It’s just like Richmond, Virginia, only with professional sports teams and more murder and syphilis! Here’s a quick rundown from me, an unabashed hater who wishes they all die while watching a screening of Hairspray.
FUCK YOU to Bart Scott. At least Ray Lewis has actually done something with his career, so he can get away with killing folks and dancing after every tackle. But you, you’re a poor man’s Carlos Emmons. Nice 1.5 sacks this season, superstar.
FUCK YOU, Rex Ryan, you giant goofy mongoloid. Way to stick around the team after getting passed over for head coach in favor of someone who looks like he’s 17. I bet he polishes off six bacon cheese rolls by kickoff.
FUCK YOU to the Chesapeake Bay. It’s not even a bay. “Behold the majestic estuary and its wiped-out crabbing industry!”
FUCK YOU to Cumberland, Dundalk, Frederick, Hagerstown, Towson, Calvert County, Annapolis, the Eastern Shore and all the other places the white people of Baltimore fled to rather than live in scary, scary Charm City. Enjoy your commute to M&T Bank in your frightening VW Bugs, you Old Bay-seasoned dicks.
FUCK YOU and your blubbering excuses. “Oh, Steelers fans only overwhelm M&T Bank Stadium because no one lives in Pittsburgh anymore.” Sure, Pittsburgh has lost 300,000 residents since the 1950s. You know another city that has lost 300,000 residents in the same time span? Baltimore.
FUCK YOU for taking pride in The Wire. “Hey, someone made a compelling drama about how our city is an unlivable, horribly mismanaged hellscape! B-MOOOOOORRRRREEEE” I hope you get left in a vacant townhouse.
FUCK YOU, Barry Levinson. Diner is overrated and Avalon is treacly garbage. Why can’t you make Baltimore-gets-nuked movies like Sum of All Fears?
FUCK YOU, Cal Ripken. Way to have your production slip so you can keep your precious streak going. And Carrie Fisher admires the way you’ve let yourself go, Iron Ham. On top of all that, you were the childhood hero of A-Rod. He kept a poster of you in his bedroom as a kid. That’s right. You’re A-Rod masturbation fodder.
FUCK YOUR alternative black uniforms. Notice how the Ravens incorporate more black into their lame jerseys seemingly every year? Quit copying the Steelers, you festering purple lumps of Grimace shit.
FUCK YOU for stealing Edgar Allan Poe. He’s more connected to Philly than your shit town.
FUCK YOU to 20-year-olds in Johnny Unitas jerseys. The Colts have been in Indy for almost a quarter century and they aren’t coming back, except to beat the Ravens in the playoffs. Even if you were born before 1984, you sure as shit weren’t around for Johnny U. Give it up.
FUCK YOUR aquarium. It’s the only good thing in that pit of despair you call a city. No wonder it costs $800 to get in.
FUCK YOU, Michael Phelps. You were retarded on Colbert last night plugging your ghostwritten book, just like you were on SNL, Entourage and the million other shows you’ve been on in your post-Olympics overexposure tour. I hope you die in the middle of a desert miles away from any body of water, you awkward dolphin dick.
FUCK Francis Scott Key. Thanks for giving dipshit Baltimore fans an opportunity to scream OOOOOOOOOOOOOO during the Anthem.
FUCK YOU, Natty Boh. Disgusting fucking crab juice of a beer. And it’s not even brewed in Baltimore anymore. Why don’t you take pride in a more hometown drug, like heroin laced with AIDS?
And lastly, FUCK YOU, purple camo pants, if only I could find you. You blend so seamlessly with your surroundings. One day I’ll track you down.
DON’T HATE ON FISHER HOUSE THOUGH! This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.
I want more like this!
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