Even the Losers Control Their Own Fortune
Dick Jauron: Guys, huddle up. We really need to talk about what transpired out there yesterday.
J.P. Losman: Yeah, I know coach.
Jauron: Yes, J.P., you should know more than anyone that that was a SPECTACULAR IMPLOSION! Week after week, there’s no team that comes through with soul-crushing losses like you guys.
You see, Ralph Wilson brought me in here to quash any lingering spirit in these seemingly indefatigable Bills fans so he can relocate them to another, more economically sound and glamorous, city. Like Oklahoma City, maybe. Bills fans are a tenacious lot, though. They’ve experienced so much pain. Won’t be licked easily. We did a great job of stringing these saps along, but the way we’re dropping sure victories on a weekly basis, there’s no way these fans have any semblance of patience or hope left.
Rian Lindell: I just wish we could’ve lost on a missed field goal.
Jauron: Now, now Rian, don’t be selfish. You’ve had your go against the Browns. We need to spread that ineptitude around.
Marshawn Lynch: We had lead wif the bawl and little time left. Lemme go in BEEF MOE and we woulda won that joint.
Jauron: See, that’s the point, Marshawn. We didn’t want to win.
Lynch: Didn’t wanna go BEEF MOE?
Jauron: No, we didn’t want, ahem, Beast. Mode.
Lynch: Thaf crazy, co’. Why we even out dere den? I jus’ wanna suit up and WHOOSH go stoopid out there. Make the defense go neeeeaaaahhhhneeeaaaaahhhhneeeaaaahhhhh and fall down.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!
You know who’s a better quarterback than Cutlerfucker? Larry Johnson. You know who else? SOME DRIPPING PIG’S PENIS HANGING OUTSIDE A BUTCHER’S SHOP IN CHINATOWN!
But right now if the season ended today it would be the Cutlerfucker and not the Laserface who would be in the playoffs. YOU REALLY WANT THAT SULKING CUM CAULDRON IN THE POSTSEASON?! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
That’s where you sacks of shit come in. You got Denver next week. You win, we naturally stomp mudholes in the Buttfuckaneers and I get my epic showdown with the Cutlerfucker for the division. I already lived up to my end by rallying my band of disgraceful underachievers on my aching shoulders yesterday in Arrowhead.
You think it’s easy to win when you throw the football like you’re putting the shot? NO, IT’S NOT FUCKING EASY! I’VE CULTIVATE A LASER-LIKE FLOAT YOU WOULD BE SMART TO NEVER RECKON WITH!
Jauron: We’d be happy to help you, but we’re doing good with the late-game caving, thanks.
Rivers: Hey, dreadlocked asshole. I’ve heard you like the Beast Mode.
Lynch: BEEF MOE?
Rivers: BEAST MODE!
Lynch: BEEF MOE!
Rivers: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Lynch: WHOOOOOOSH GOIN’ STOOOOPID! AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE
Jauron: Don’t encourage him.
Rivers: You see this Cutlerfucker?
He doesn’t want you to go in Beast Mode. He wants you to act all uppity and civilized. Maybe make you join a scrapbooking club where you share collages of your vacations to Antiqua. Teach you which one is the salad fork and shit.
Lynch: THAF NO BEEF MOE!
Rivers: No. Not at all.
Lynch: I SHOW THAT GUY! MAKE IT GO RAWR IN THE BEEF MOE! TAKE OUT THE BUCK WILD GUN AND NATNATNATNATANATNATNATNATNAT ON HE ASS!
Jauron: Shit.
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December 15th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
“Beef moe” sounds like Ben’s new favorite snack…
December 15th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Is there any way Jauron’s alma mater, Yale, can buy out his cotract from the Bills and hire him to coach the Eli’s? Biggest waste of a 5-1 start ever!
/writes down BEEF MOE for next year’s fantasy football team name
December 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
NATNATNATNATANATNATNATNATNAT > PEW PEW PEW
December 15th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Not enough Steelers references.
Or pictures of James Franco’s cock.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Needs more “My Tiny Darren”. He could be the big cockroach thing that falls off of Beef Moe’s Cloverfield.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I’m going to have some BEEF MOE for dinner after reading this.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
The 6:00 dinner bell makes Romeo Crennell go into Beef Moe
December 15th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Please edit this comment to say something interesting.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Laserface was at his absolute best (worst) yesterday in KC… Balls were floating to receivers. They looked like the only things that were in slow motion. When he wasn’t throwing, he was fumbling. Hell, even Patrick Surtain had a pick. What is he, 87 years old? Then when they got to the inevitable Chiefs meltdown, Rivers ran around acting like he had just won the Superbowl… trash talking the three fans that were left in the stadium… even throwing shit at them.
Going to enjoy having him in the AFC West for the next decade.
Die Laserface. Hate is such a healthy feeling.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I was trying to do the laserface in my bathroom mirror but totally failed. It’s hard to do while laughing.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Oh boy!
December 15th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Didn’t wanna go BEEF MOE?
Unbelievable. Nearly spat out my XXX vitamin water all over my monitor. Is it me or does JP Losman look like he’s got a touch of the Downs?
December 15th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
BEEF MOE has joined the KSK pantheon. More Marshawn!
YOU REALLY WANT THAT SULKING CUM CAULDRON IN THE POSTSEASON?! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
A decent point…allow me to retort.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
BEEF MOE >>>>>>>>>>>>> Beast Mode. Made my entire afternoon.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
When he wasn’t throwing, he was fumbling.
And it took him half the quarter to do that.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
“Hell, even Patrick Surtain had a pick. What is he, 87 years old?”
Old enough to get run down by Marmalard before scoring. So ya, probably about 87.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Yeah maybe Marmalard should have beaten the Bills when he had his chance back in week 7.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Week after week, there’s no team that comes through with soul-crushing losses like you guys.
Green Bay comes pretty close these days.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Let’s say JP Losman goes to an AFC West team next year (Chiefs!). It’s only natural he joins mop top mopey dick Cutlerfucker in the war of the douchey QBs, right? They’re like natural bros, right?
PS, Did I ever tell you guys about the time I saw JP Losman try to finger the sluttiest ho bag in Buffalo only to get shot down as she dropped him off in her Dodge Neon at his mansion and then I went home and got head from said slut? It’s hysterical to hear him say “Baby, I just want you to cummmmm” in his high pitched voice.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Dick Jauron = Fred Rodgers
December 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Not you though Beast, you cool and make me money.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I have always gotten a kick out of how in the past, that picture of Holmgren’s 1992 Packers Staff was hyped, claiming how many coaches came from that crew. And Jauron is one of them. And yet Jauron has been a disaster.
Funny how that photo isn’t shown on TV much.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
http://www.packers.com/history/birth_of_a_team_and_a_legend/chapter_12/
here is that picture
December 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
What the hell happened to Christ’s Buzzsaw yesterday????? Huh?
December 15th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
LaToeInjury: chokechokechokechokechokechokechokechoke
December 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
You gotta admit that the way Jauron and JPLOSMAN (one word) threw that game yesterday was fucking EPIC.
BEEF MOE!
December 15th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
EPIC FAIL.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
JP Losman (in super high pitched phone sex operator voice): Sorry Coach, I’m trying to get fired too.
Fucking Dick Jauron, what a moron. The only way the Bills beat the Cutlerfuckers next week is if Beef Moe gets 30 carries and sadface throws his usual 2-3 INT’s. Still, they’ll need to find a way to overcome their coaching ineptitude. Sorry Marmalard, you had your chances.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I have to say, there were a few marmalard passes towards the end of the game that were lofted so baddly that I laughed audibly. The “bomb” to jackson? Holy crap. Hilarious.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
BEEF MOE sounds like the menu item between Steakfish and Spaghetti and Moeballs.
/Run Boy! Run for your life!
December 15th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
say what you want about marmalard, and his incredibly awkward throwing motion, cutlerfucker is a bitch. it would be nice if the bills could get off there knees, you know, stop blowing so hard. lets get 60 run plays outta you this weekend, dick.
December 15th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Would it perhaps be better for JP Losman to be run over by a BEEF MOE this week, or other incredibly large, fastmoving device? Would that help or hurt the Bills. Discuss.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I had Moe’s yesterday, chicken thou, not beef, If Ralph doesn’t decide to pay for a real coach next year, he deserves to die never having won a damn thing. HaHa I’m used to all the losing, our players don’t have the talent, I should go back to selling insurance. Yes old man you should, sell the fucking the team!
December 15th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I hope JP liked it up in Canada last week, cuz the CFL is in his future.
December 16th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I wanna BEEF MOE t-shirt for Christmas.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Doc Holliday
More like Peter North without the monster cock or the fire hydrant loads
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Could we get an update to this, given the fact that a) Laserface did, in fact, bring the Volektricity to the Butt Pirates, and b) we did see some Beef Moe in Denver (albeit from Fred Jackson)…?
SHOULDAH KEEP ME FROM BEEF MOE! STU’ SHOULDA! (begins gnawing off own arm) – NUTTIN’ KEEP ME FROM BEEF MOE! NATNATNATNATRAWR!
December 29th, 2008 at 12:28 am
LULZ! You are one funny kike jew.