Coach Cowher Has a Lengthy List of Demands For His Next Employer
I’ve been biding my time with getting back into coaching. Thought I had that Carolina job lined up until John Fox went and decided to be fucking Coach of the Year all of a sudden. But I got the bug now, can’t wait for the right gig to fall into my hands, so it looks like I’ll have to settle for a shitload of money instead. You might call it compromising your principles. And I might call you a bowel-slurping fuckstain. You try and see how long you can put up with listening to Shannon Sharpe for six hours each Sunday and not contemplate a career change.
These shitty teams are gonna have to pay throw their nose, their ass, and maybe a few quickly fashioned stomas to get my services. Running all football operations and getting a minority cut of the ownership isn’t going to cut it. I have specific demands of each of my suitors and they will be followed to the fucking letter. Unless you WANT Marty Schottenheimer running your team, then by all means, be a complete fuckwit.
Cleveland: Pressure’s on you assholes to sweeten the pot. You already got one thing going against you and that’s the six million yinzers going up my ass the second I take this job. Which means we need to be talking, I don’t know, $20 million a year. Plus you get LeBron to give my daughters some basketball phenom children. And if that fucker splits for New York, the deal’s off.
Washington: Looks like you’re in a big rush to can that hip-hip-hooray ebullient motherfucker. Okay. No goddamn Saturday talk shows with George Michael, Michael Wilbon and David Dupree. If I so much have to see John Riggins and Sonny Jurgensen at any point in my tenure I’ll sell the team jet to some dealer in Barry Farm. I know the Danny better keep me well stocked in chiclet teeth too.
Cincinnati: Mike Brown wouldn’t pony up enough to money to hire Tom Donahoe’s discarded anal beads.
Detroit: I do enjoy a challenge. Why else would I have kept Kordell Stewart around four years longer than any other sane person would have? But I also enjoy mountainous stacks of gold bullion, which is what it would take for me to take on this trainwreck. Get ready for a swift campaign for me to change the team name to The Buses.
Kansas City: Yeah fucking right. I’d sooner work for the Sam Zell than Carl Peterson.
San Francisco: Singletary’s set the bar high for wacky high jinks, and frankly I don’t know if I’m equal to that task. If I tried showing my ass to Greg Lloyd, I’d probably still be trying to remove bits of cleat from my lower digestive tract. However, if you want to turn over control of the team to some guy who looks like he should be submitting pictures of himself posing with Erin Andrews to Deadspin, I’d be willing to give your team another look.
There you go. Get your shit in line and I’ll try to make my decision process as protracted and media saturated as possible.
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December 9th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Paul Allen’s got enough money to tell Jim Mora to kiss his ass and still hire Cowher for $10 million per. And that fucking geek is just crazy enough to do it, too.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Cowher see’s your pants dropping and raise’s you a Kordell kissing.
Kissing Kordell Stewart.
December 9th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Or you could, you know, not come back…
December 9th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
COWHER IS COMIN TO TIXIS’ YOU LIBERAL FAGGOTS
December 9th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
What about the rest of D’Angelo Hall’s contract, half of my wheelchair, and the blood of 44 ghetto virgins to come to Oakland? Also, you are fired.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
i’m sorta hoping Ralph Wilson opens the money bags before kicks and hires a decent coach. Cowher seemed to like cold rust belt shit stained cities, Buffalo would be perfect.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
The Vikings will sacrifice Chilly on the altar of the Stache of Cowher, and Purple Jesus will allow you to sit back and do nothing but get all the credit. Actually, as long as were able to sacrifice Childress, I could care less if you come here or not.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Thanks for the link to Niners Nation.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Coach Cowher’s actual vocabulary contains a whole lot more spittle.
December 9th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Working next to Shannon Sharpe for two years is as crazy as signing Kent Graham to compete for a starting quarterback job. Oh, wait…
December 9th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
@VY Jelly: Suffering succotash!!
December 9th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Kent Graham has nothing on the One Game Week 1 Jim Miller Quarterback Experiment.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
“YOU WILL HIRE ME MAGGOT SMEGMA!” in the voice of Gunny Sgt. Hartman.
December 9th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I see Cowher more as Sgt. Slaughter than Sgt. Hartman
December 9th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
After using Seattle as toilet paper for 2008, God can start to get back on our good side by allowing Cowher to coach the Seahawks.
I’d be ALL EARS for that first press conference, lemme tell you….
December 9th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Oakland could use a coach, sir.
December 9th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Help me out here: chiclet teeth?
December 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
strike that. Google is my friend.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
What about Washington? Jim Zorn has done an alright job but we know their owner likes to go through coaches like toliet paper.
Brandon Hansen
justson.blogspot.com
December 10th, 2008 at 1:16 am
Seattle should totally hire him. That way those jokes can see what a Super Bowl XL championship ring looks like.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:59 am
What about San Diego? God only knows that the team sucks as much as Cleveland, Cincinnati, Buffalo, Seattle, Kansas City, or any of the other shitstain places mentioned, but fuck that’s nice weather.
Also, I’m not sure there’s enough money in the world to make me deal with that many yinzers, and see them twice a season.
December 10th, 2008 at 2:04 am
fucking hilarious, Ape.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:40 am
If Cowher wants a challenge, take the Seattle job AND keep Brian Russell as a starting safety.
Now that’s what I’d call fighting with one hand tied behind your back.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Not enough chin action in this post…
December 10th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I have no affiliation with the Steelers and I am surely not a yinzer. However, I do miss him storming the sidelines in playoff games. Nobody knew how to throw a challange flag farther than Cowher and when he was upset with a call, the entire field knew it. A friend whose sister played AAU basketball traveled with the team into Pittsburgh for a tournament and Cowher was there watching one of his daughters play. Apparently it was just as entertaining to watch Cowher scream about fouls and traveling calls. He didn’t let down his intensity even though he wasn’t coaching.
/juts out chin
December 10th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Cowher also demands twice daily chin polishings and a spittle caddy.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am
He’d fit well in Philly. Reid’s gone when he fails to make the playoffs. No pressure in Filthadelphia either because they are used to getting there hopes up only to have them crushed by some sucktastic event of biblical proportion.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:41 am
There’s no way the Yorks go after Cowher, not with Singletary motivating the team to play up to and beyond its talent level. Not with the way Singletary has Martz behaving responsibly. Not with the way the fanbase has responded to Singletary. Not with the way the players love Singletary and want to succeed for him. Ignoring all of that and going after Cowher simply because he is a big name would be disloyal, ignorant, short-sighted, reckless and just plain stupid.
Welcome to San Francisco Coach Chin.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Hey Orange eat a dick.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I actually heard Cowher’s voice while reading all of that…complete with Shannon Sharpe yelling in the background.
And here’s a dark horse for Cowher: Houston. It’s in the AFC, but South. Tony Dungy’s leaving, the Jags are a joke. So it’s just him vs Jeff Fisher (the Chin vs the ‘Stache). Young team with a young D. Andre Johnson. Steve Slaton.
Oh wait…Matt Schaub or Sage Rosenfels as QB. Cowher would crush them both with his chin.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:06 am
BTW, I apologize for my earlier post being sensible and thoughtful, specially for early Wednesday morning.
I shall now add more dick and fart jokes.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Nice to see Buffalo mentioned in the comments. Obviously someone hasn’t done their homework on Ralph Wilson Hiring Practices 101. That cheap bastard won’t pay anyone.
Doesn’t Seattle have a “Head Coach in Waiting” named, or whatever that Rooney Rule loophole is called?