Belated Breaking News: Random Quarterback To Marry Portuguese-Speaking Bulimic
Tom Brady got engaged to Gisele Bundtcake this weekend, and I think it’s noble of him to make a lifelong commitment to Gisele knowing he’s taking on my sloppy seconds (very sloppy, in fact. Buttman doesn’t always go to Rio for nothing).
If you’re looking to buy a wedding gift for the happy couple, they are registered at the following places: NOWHERE, BECAUSE THEY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY COULD EVER WANT, INCLUDING EACH OTHER, AND HAVE ACHIEVED A LEVEL OF BOTH PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL PERFECTION YOU HAVE NO PRAYER OF ATTAINING.
I hate people like this. I hope Bernard Pollard crashes the wedding. And crashes into Brady’s patellar tendon.
Tags: quick hits
December 27th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I’d hit it.
December 27th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Bridget Moynahan needs to show up with the baby on one arm and a drunken Joe Willy Namath on the other.
“I wanna kish the bride.”
December 27th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Drew, I gave your book to my dad for Christmas after I read it. Is that proper etiquette?
December 27th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
That picture will be in my wet dreams tonight!
December 27th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
She’s a skank. I am so impressed she likes to parade in her underware. What’s with the wings? You slap down on the bed and she’s going to be bitching about the pain in her back.
December 27th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Sorry to burst your bubble, but both Brady’s dad and Gisele’s sister are saying the engagement is bullshit. And People magazine reported it so it’s true.
December 27th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Fuck holiday cheer. Holiday hate feels a lot better.
December 27th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Not that I’d kick her out of bed, but Tommy can do better than Gisele, can’t he?
December 27th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Leid:
Did you read it in the shitter? If so, that is wrong.
December 27th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
The surname Bündchen (note the umlauts) is of German origin, but she’s from South America. It doesn’t take an Israeli Nazi Hunter to put Zwei Und Zwei together; Gisele is the Über-Hot result of years of secret Nazi eugenic experiments done in Latin American exile. She’s the goddess of some kind of new Aryan Vanguard- and now she’s marrying the Golden Boy of American sport. We’re in the Looking Glass, people.
If you disagree or think I’m just bitterly jealous, you’re obviously a Nazi.
December 28th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Gino:
Thank you for pointing all of this out. Although, if she is the uber-woman (sorry, I don’t know how to make umlauts), shouldn’t she be more blond and buxom, instead of brunette and skinny? Also, Tommy is not blond either, although I the ass-chin may offset the anti-blondness.
December 28th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Jeff Garcia still has the boobiest wife. So, there.
December 28th, 2008 at 4:00 am
what do you think the chances are of me being that “one last fling” she has at her bachelorette party the night before she ties the knot with tommy “the american dream” brady?
i’m 6′3″ 215 lbs. married and broke…but i like my chances.
December 28th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Finally…………… some fuckin football news.
Thank GOD!!!
I thought this KSK was turning into “The View” for fat jews………….. but this piece of football related news reassures me that it is all in my cir-cum-sized head.
December 28th, 2008 at 9:08 am
On the Aryan tip: Both were blonde as children………..
December 28th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Bellichick, Brady , Bundchen, Welkah, Cassel, McDaniel, Light and Vrabel. Is this a football team or a Nazi cell?
December 28th, 2008 at 10:02 am
@FNI – Nazi cell
December 28th, 2008 at 10:24 am
So what would the celebrity name contraction for this couple be? Tosele? Gisom?
December 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
BradyBundch
December 28th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Nice. BradyBundch FTW.