Balteemore and TIXAS For the Subset of People Who Have Nothing to Do AND Have NFL Network
It’s the last game ever in TIXAS Stadium, and as much as I’d like to go on about how much I dislike the 50-foot crown in the center of its playing field, reader Brian had to go and send me this indelible piece of Bawlmer trashiness, the annual singing of “Crabs for Christmas” by David DeBoy and Da Hons. I know the citizens of Baltimore are fond of wearing their innate tackiness as a badge of honor, but I really think it’s them daring us to test chemical weapons on them.
Brian advises us on some highlights to skip to:
1:43: You get to see some kind of crab mascot shuffling around in the back of the hall. Obviously he is your local sex offender who’s been allowed to dress up as a STD and palm it off as community service.
2:08: We get the entire “Crabs for Christmas” ensemble in all its glory. The Honfest pageant winners and the man on the electronic keyboard who puts the Creep-o-Meter right through the roof. Between this guy and the Crab mascot, the pedophiles are beginning to amass inside this shithole of a hall. Also, notice the lifesize Fathead sticker of Elvis on the wall behind the electric piano. Never understood Balwmer white trash’s fascination with the King, but this makes it a tell-tale sign of a Dundalkian White Trash gathering. Seeing Elvis present on the wall is as tell-tale as a cross burning at a KKK rally.
3:40: “The Chrisssmas Whisshle” – enough said…
Oh, but the Cowboys won’t be denied their stake in the battle to be the biggest cornball shitheads, as this week brings soft focus remembrances of a football stadium infused with grating quasi-religious hokum.
No, it’s a meteor hole. C’mon God, this is your last chance!
(Okay, in the spirit of fairness, here’s Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Justin Hartwig singing a holiday song called “Neutered Balls.” Goddammit.)
Tags: almost as tacky as texans, dallas cowboys, FEARSOME RAVENS FANS, I'm from Balteemore Merryland, Matron Saint's Day, open thread, TIXAS
December 20th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
2 things.. 1)Don’t you get crabs just walking out the door in Bawlmore? 2) Did ya notice the woman? in the front row jamming out in her Christmas sweater? And they give people of Pittsburgh shit for things?We should get a free pass for the next 50 years ..Have Jack Bougat selling Farkleberry crab meat or something.. sweet jesus that was lame
December 20th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
“So God can catch his favorite team!”
OK, first off, if I went to Dallas and a cabbie had the fucking NERVE to say some shit like that to me, he’d catch an ass whoopin.
When I was a kid I always hoped that the hole in the roof was where God was going to shit right on Troy Aikman’s head. Jimmy Johnson’s too. Both those fags can go fuck each other and die.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Baltimore has old people embarrassing themselves on Youtube? Holy shit! What an unbelievably gay phenomenon that’s totally unique to Baltimore in every way!
Also, isn’t it stupid that people from Dallas like the Cowboys? What a bunch of fucking gay retards.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Sadly, Ben thought he was singing about “Noodle Balls” aka his favorite food, Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs. Mean trick to play on the guy.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
If I was God, I would be more dismayed by Crabs for Christmas as compared to Neutered Balls. But that is just me.
Go NFL…woo hoo. A game on a night with nothing on….and noone much can watch it. Hmm. That is brilliant!
December 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
I agree, the necrophiliac dressed in the crab costume does not resemble the clacky-clacky crunchy-crunchy kind of crab so much as the bitey-bitey scratchy-scratchy kinda that rides your johnson.
December 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I just couldn’t watch the whole video. Does he fuck a goat at the end?
December 20th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Nothing to do? Check. NFL Network? Check.
Hooray me!
December 20th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Best part of the pregame show:
Warren Sapp essentially calling Tony Romo a bitch?
Rich Eisen apparently jacking it to the glory of the Cowboys?
December 20th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
It’s times like these that I’m glad my office gets the NFL Network.
December 20th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Yeah Ron Burgundy’s Moustache! Then you can yell racial slurs while you do it! Then you’ll be qualified to be Ole Miss’ basketball coach!
December 20th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Is that Deion doing the color on this game?
/chugs gallon of turpenoid
December 20th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
When Deion and Marshal talk at the same time, they actually achieve negative IQ points.
/Praying for another Tunguska event
December 20th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
@Spatula
I wish there was a way to add Emmitt Smith and Steve Young to Deion and Marshall. If only to see Young’s brain leak out of his nose.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
The announcing atrocities aren’t the worst part of it.
With the Cowboys and Ravens in the house, plus Jerry Jones and a hundred former Cowboys, it’s like they’re begging for proof of a righteous God’s wrath. The only way they could invoke more of it would be to have a special halftime event honoring America’s Greatest Pedophiles.
What? They’re honoring Michael Irvin? I stand corrected.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Jesus Christ. They’re going to need a backhoe to dig Flacco out of the turf.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Ben Roethlistberger’s consoling of the reindeer hat man is the best.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Jesus…
Rich Eisen and Deion/Marshall on the call?? What, did Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger have better shit to do tonight?! This is fucking horrible. I never thought I’d find myself missing the insight of Tony Siragusa…
December 20th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Im a Texan. Im wearing a Custom Barber Jersey that says “MB III” on the back. Im drinking PBR. What else do you want?
O… im on KSK currently.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
PS… Hand the FUCKING ball off garrett
December 20th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Move over, Brian Russell. Ken Hamlin just stole your title of Shittiest Player In The NFL.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
You are a professional football player Ken Hamlin, how can your hands be that fucking bad. Fuck my life.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
PUNTE, do you have a pistol or a shotgun i could possibly shoot myself with? Fake FG, are you fucking kidding me
December 20th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
…and I just came watching that fake field goal…holy shit, that was awesome.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Im going to burn this city to the ground if we somehow pull this game out. O/U for shot of Jerry on the sidelines is 5.5 mins left in the third… i’ll take the over.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
That fake field goal was outstanding.
What else would you expect? The punter’s name is spelled “Koch” and he pronounces it “Cook.” Tricksy!
December 20th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
What’s Romo’s quarterback rating? Pi?
December 20th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Romo might not have to worry about a playoff meltdown this year
December 20th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Romo’s a gawdamned star!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Romo coulda been a contenda
December 20th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Do I have to go get my kid if Deion told me to?
December 20th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Also fuck you nfl network. I have a dvr full of whale wars to watch.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
MCGAHEE!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I’d say Flacco did a fair job on that drive…
December 20th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Jesus fuck snake, Dallas. way to fuck your season AND the AFC East’s runner-up’s. Nicely done shit-eaters.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Cue angry, horned photoshop of Jerry Jones…
December 20th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Right now there’s a child within 500 yards of you yelling, “That’s my dad!”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
THAT WAS RAVENS BALL!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Refreshing this is much more fun than trying to follow the fucking espn gametracker.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
now as soon as dallas blows this onside kick…
December 20th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Witten may have just saved my fantasy season.
/shutting up sir
December 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
MCCLAIN!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
haha they blew it alright… another 80 yd run up the middle coming now.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
jesus christ.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
December 20th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Holy shit, Ken Hamlin got OWNED on that run.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
“Now I have an 80 yard touchdown. Ho Ho Ho.”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
“Dallas fans, remember to bring your kids down to the field after the game for our special ‘Run an 80-Yard Touchdown on the Cowboys Defense’ promotion.”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Alright…the door is open for the Falcons to win out and go to the playoffs. Thanks Baltimore.
December 20th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
haha ok im back after beer bonging 10 times. Fuck this game. 72 and 80 runs? or whatever? seriously? I guarantee Drew could have done a better job than Ken Hamlin. That was the most pathetic shit I have ever seen in my life. Falcons and TB will lose next week, we will crush philly can get into the playoffs. Only so Romo can continue choking in the playoffs. See you there!
December 20th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
So we’re done with the ‘boys, right? Cool.
December 21st, 2008 at 12:08 am
Hey Dallas: That sound you heard was the Double J sharpening the the fuckin’ Guillotine for ol’ Wade Mcfloppy Titties! Yeeeeahhhaaaaaaaw I am fuckkking crazy!
December 21st, 2008 at 12:10 am
This needs a Wade and Jerry STAT!
December 21st, 2008 at 12:10 am
Sad Wade on post-game. Can’t wait to see what JJ and Garrett have to say to him about this one…
December 21st, 2008 at 12:31 am
I suppose that shitty-ass joke will follow the Cowboys to their new billion-dollar stadium. It has a retractable roof.
December 21st, 2008 at 12:37 am
i’m hoping their shitty performance, felony record and locker room bitchery follows them to their new stadium. Fuck Texas Stadium. Blow that bitch up, burn the earth, salt it. repeat.
Merry Christmas.
December 21st, 2008 at 2:39 am
I don’t wish ill will on a lot of teams. The Jaguars can eat a fucking dick because for whatever reason they always seem to save up just enough fight for the Colts to piss me off twice a season, but suck dick the other 15 weeks. I hated the Steelers until they shipped Joey Porter to Miami, where apparently he’s been doing some mouf fixing and had to suffer through a 1-15 season. And I hated the Patriots, up until they had to go through 18-1 and Bernard Pollard torpedoing their season 7 minutes into their first game. Now they’re just funny. I never really hated Baltimore, because the Colts have owned their asses for so long. I’d hate the Chargers, but then I remember how much amusement they’ve brought me visa KSK, and that they have Norv Turner as head coach.
However, there are two teams I hate. I hate the Detroit Pistons for conspiring with David Stern to destroy the Pacers in 2005. WE SHOULD HAVE WON A FUCKING TITLE! REGGIE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIS RING! SONOFABITCH!. Ahem, sorry about that.
The other team I hate is the Cowboys. I don’t know why. I just have this irrational hatred of the Cowboys. Maybe it’s the fact that they talk an awful lot for a team with as many playoff wins as the Lions in the last decade or so. Maybe it’s that they jobbed Indy out of the Super Bowl in 2011 (yeah, we got it in 2012, but the world could end by then). Maybe it’s that I have to suffer through inane bullshit about Tony Romo and TO and Witten and because God only knows if something happens to the Cowboys, Steelers, or Patriots, THE WHOLE WORLD MUST KNOW IMMEDIATELY.
So yeah. Watching the Cowboys get bitchslapped on national TV and possibly miss the playoffs? This moment is so good, I want to marry it, and have a bunch of tiny moments with it.
December 21st, 2008 at 3:20 am
i hope next weeks wade and jerry is just the goat video, lsufreak’ed with double j’s head on the monkey and wade’s head on the goat. but then that mean’s jj’s chained to some higher power…
/head explodes
December 21st, 2008 at 5:15 am
Same year. Same old way of completely fucking up in December.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLMHMhkdy2Q
December 21st, 2008 at 7:27 am
Pacman gon drank after this one. Oh yeah, Pacman gon drank.
Also, O/U on Jessica ditching Homo is four months. I’ll take the under thank you very much.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
These fking idiots don’t represent B’more, go watch The Wire and you’ll all be kissing our asses again.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Ok, can we stop bitching about not having the NFL Network on this blog? Ditch your shitty Comcast or whatever lame excuse you have for TV and get some DirecTV. A blog about the NFL and you guys don’t even have the Sunday Ticket? Start a “get us poor KSK fucks some NFL Sunday Ticket” fundraiser or something already and quit your whining. There’s really no excuse for a professional football fan.