All’s I’m Sayin’ Is: If Duh Giants Lose Like Dat In Duh Playoffs, Dey Will NOT Make Duh Supuh Bowl
Hey hey hey hey hey! Shut duh fuck up! All right? JUST SHUT DUH FUCK UP. I’m trying to make uh fucking point here, all right? First off, does anyone have uh light here? I REPEAT: DO YOU ANY OF YOU HAVE UH FUCKING LIGHT? What the fuck? I’m supposed tuh bring my own lightuh? DUH FUCK IS THAT? You ladies should keep uh lightuh on you at all times if you wanna have any hope uh sucking on my dick later on, AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR WHAT?
Do any of you have any extra cigarettes for me when dis one goes out? I DO NOT BRING MY OWN CIGARETTES ANYWHERE. That’s just how I roll. Now lend me uh fucking cigarette. Are you ordering uh pizza? Save two slices fuh me. No, I’m not paying fuh any. I’m just asking fuh uh taste. JESUS. Two goddamn slices! The fuck I do tuh you dat you won’t cough up uh couple extra slices? FUCK. Where are you ordering from? Romano’s? FUCK YOU. Orduh from Sanremo. ONLY FAGGOTS ORDUH FROM ROMANO’S.
I wanna talk about duh fucking Giants. Okay? SHUT UP, VINCE. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE JETS AND THEIR FAGGOT FANS. God, duh Jets. What uh bunch uh second-class, bridge-and-tunnel assfucks. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UH FUCKING REAL FRANCHISE, YOU SUBLETTING PUERTO RICAN SACKS UH DOGSHIT.
(pours vodka and Red Bull into empty Diet Coke can)
I wanna talk about duh Giants now. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP. Okay, now. Here it is: If duh fucking Giants fucking lose like dat again in duh playoffs, dey will NOT go tuh duh fucking Supuh Bowl. AM I RIGHT? You know I’m fucking right. You know it, honey. Don’t try and argue with me, ladies. I’ll just end up having to fuck you in duh ass again. AM I RIGHT, HUH?
I don’t care what kinduh team you gots. If you can’t find uh way tuh win in the playoffs, you aren’t making duh Big Dance.
(pulls out money clip for no reason)
Furthuhmore, furthuhmore, furthuhmore… EDDIE, WILL YOU SHUT THE LIVING FUCK UP FOR THREE MINUTES? I got uh couple more points tuh make here. Someone’s gotta say it here, so I will. You will NOT see Plaxico Burress suit up fuh dis team again ALL YEAR. Don’t ask me how I know dese things. But I’m telling you, THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA GO DOWN. Now, I don’t wanna call Plax uh fucking no good lazy porch chimp,. BUT HE IS UH FUCKING NO GOOD LAZY PORCH CHIMP, AM I RIGHT? Hold on uh second, I gotta call my bookie.
(calls bookie, loses $500 in four seconds)
STILL UP FOR DUH YEAR! WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES WOULD LIKE DUH HONUH OF GIVIN’ THE OL’ MICK UH GOOD TITSLIDE? Eh, fuck you sluts. You’re all ugliuh than sin. I wouldn’t fuck you if dere were diamonds fallin’ out uh your twat.
(puts on weight belt and weightlifting gloves for no reason)
Uh couple more fucking things before I go. First off: dis Under Armour shirt. It’s AMAZING. Feel it. FUCKING FEEL IT. I’ve been sweating ALL DAY, and I feel dry as uh bone. Uh big fuckbone, AM I RIGHT? What do you mean, I smell? I swear to God, I will rape your mother and then drown her in uh bathtub! FUCK YOU AND YOUR ENTIUH DEFORMED FAMILY! I WILL NEVUH FUHGIVE YOU FUH DAT!
Secondly: All duh Jints have to do to turn things back around is tuh start playing great again. Also, dis Sabathia signing for duh Yanks? That could be good. Or it could be bad. THAT’S MY HONEST ASSESSMENT. I hear uh lot of people saying uh lotta shit. BUT ALL’S I’M SAYIN’ IS THAT IT HAS DUH POTENTIAL TUH BE GOOD. YOU DON’T HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT DAT!
All’s I’m sayin’ is day if some girl doesn’t start suckin’ on dis Genoa Salam in duh next five minutes, I’m not gonna lend you any of duh cigarettes or pizza people are gonna lend me. SO GET SUCKIN’! MY COUSIN BENITO OWNS UH GUN! DON’T THINK I WON’T GIVE HIM UH CALL IF I FEEL LIKE IT! SHUT DUH FUCK UP!
Photo courtesy of Eric R.
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Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fun with stereotypes, jets and giants fans are all the same B&T trash to me, mickey from rockaway
December 10th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Add “Yo, first time, long time…” to the start and you have an ideal transcript for an overnight call to WFAN.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’m uncomfortable with how accurate that is. You gotta have him flash his PBA card that expired 5 years ago too.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I was hoping it would be Ant’ny from Hobokin, but I’m fully on board with Mickey from Rockaway! Love it.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
“Marie! Get in duh fuckin’ caw!”
December 10th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
(puts on weight belt and weightlifting gloves for no reason)
Holy shit, it’s like you’re recording my drunk antics via blog!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
(calls bookie, loses $500 in four seconds)
Absolutely classic. STILL UP!
December 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Brillyant…AM I RIGHT?
December 10th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
As a Giants fan, I regret to have to say that this site has suddenly gotten a lot less funny.
Why can’t we have more Tommy from Quinzee posts? He’s a classic character. This “Mickey” is just a collection of unfair stereotypes strung together with offensive jokes.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
… This could work. A good start. And I’m not going to deny that there are definitely a few pricks like this in the room if you watch the game in a public place. And I mean Under Armor and all.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Yuose got Mickey poyfect. Am I right?
December 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Add in a random mention of how great Jeter is and its perfect.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
It’s not as good as Tawmee, yet. But, seeing as I’ve dealt with far more of these chunks of anal leakage in my life, I eagerly await more from Mickey.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
@Phil – Let me guess…they’re using your picture, am I right?
December 10th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
FLS,
Chunks of anal leakage?
That’s like a round square, or the biblical paradox of predestination.
Or, perhaps, they are the result of a rather large anus. One never can tell.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Tommy has come a long way since we first met him and I’m sure Mickey will too. It’s a great start, but he should still be Ant’ny. And he CANNOT be from the Rockaways, he has to be from somewhere in north Jersey. SanRemo was the best line by a mile.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
No mention of Shockey?
December 10th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
(pours vodka and Red Bull into empty Diet Coke can)
Spot. On.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Mickey from Rockaway and Tawmmy never need to meet.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I’ve never been to New York or New Jersey…so the first time I visit, if everyone’s not exactly like this, I’ll be very disappointed.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
umm, Cock Flashy, Rockaway is in north Jersey.
This was a good start. The accent needs a little work, but it’s close. Also, Mickey and Tawmmy definitely need to meet at some point.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
needs more Yuuuuuuuuuuuuge, but maybe that’s just from the only new yorker i know.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
“Lemme just say, dis site has gotten uh lot less funny since you started making jokes that mock my particular fan base. How bout some more pidgin English? Dose Asian guys are hilarious, am I right?”
December 10th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
needs more “bros” and references to his IROC Z, other than that, dead on
December 10th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
IROC= Italian Retard Out Cruising
December 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
This is so scarily accurate that I almost can’t read it.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
All those stereotypical yutes in my state make me a disappointed New Jerseyian.
Oh excuse me, stereotypical YOUTHS.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
For those of you that say ‘dead on’, you live in a barn in West Bumfuck, Kentucky.
That was pretty bad, like not good. Like awful.
Like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9SaKYFR6ms
December 10th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
@Randy Jones: That’s true, but it’s such a little place way the hell out by Denville or Dover or whereever that you think of the Rockaways in Queens before you think of that place. For a classic Jersey douchebag town you need Piscataway or Elizabeth or Teaneck or something like that.
December 10th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Jersey City maybe?
Oh, and for pies (you call it pizza) Ciro’s in Glen Cove, NY is the only place to go. Cheese only, crushed red pepper. Am I right?
/Grateful I live 400 miles away from those douchebags.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
When did Kevin Love become a Giants fan?
December 10th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
This is so completely the kind of gentlemen who keeps his socks on while getting a blowjob.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
That is one dude who don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Yous guys who keep tellin’ Drew how to write his charactas and where they from and all that mess are just wastin ya time. Big Daddy don’t listen to nobody when it comes to stereotypes and writin and shit AM I WRITE???
December 10th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
@FMRA: But’s fuckin’ cold in here, am I right?
December 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Tawmee and Mickey meet the Garrett brothers. Make this happen Drew!
December 10th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@Matt’s Hand Schaub: I was told the photos would be for Leitch’s NYMag article on the Giants, goddammit!
December 10th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
@Gooch
I was trying to accurately sum up my feelings for these types…that’s what came out (pun intended, of course).
December 10th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
There are two things that needs to be changed an its gold.
1) Lazy Porch Chimps to “Fuckin Moolies”
2) You to “Youz” or “All Youz”
December 10th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
“Are you ordering uh pizza? Save two slices fuh me. No, I’m not paying fuh any. I’m just asking fuh uh taste. JESUS”
Uh taste. That right there is new yawk. No one says porch chimps up there.
Good Effort. you fucking motherfuckers.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
At least a porch chimp is more advanced than a porch monkey.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I defy you to find enough personality in a Seattle fan to mock.
December 10th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
@Randy Jones: Rockaway is in northwest Jersey. No one who lives in Morris County talks like this.
Also, as others have attested, this is frighteningly accurate.
/lifelong New Jerseyan
//lifelong fan of the second-class, bridge-and-tunnel, subletting Puerto Rican sacks of dogshit
December 10th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
+1 Davenport Dumper
I was thinking that “youz” (or “youse”) was the only thing missing here. This is gold, BDD, GOLD!
December 10th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
You were using “you” every time. It’s “yous” all the time.
Not enough racial epitaths directed at the mulignans.
/takes off his weight belt and lifting gloves, puts them in the IROC
December 10th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
He should probably be from Belleville or Nutley… but this is still hilarious.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Provided neither the Gints nor the Pats make the Super Bowl, Mick and Tawmmy need to do a preview.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
@Robut M. Nixon: I know where Rockaway is, I grew up there and I know at least a few douchebags from Morris County that talk like that, but you are right it is far more prevalent in Essex or Bergen or Hudson.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
The picture is more than I could have hoped for, but the town doesn’t match the accent. I vote for Essex or Hudson (we don’t talk like that in Bergen).
December 10th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
TAWMMY vs. MICKEY DOUCHEBAG-OFF
Who’s got the more obnoxious…? :
girlfriend
myspace page
driving habits
taste in music
eating/drinking habits
racial prejudice
December 10th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Attention, NJ commenters: Since you can’t be bothered to differentiate among the states of the SEC, please do not expect anyone else to care which exit you’re from.
December 10th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
well done drew
December 10th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
“As a Giants fan, I regret to have to say that this site has suddenly gotten a lot less funny.
Why can’t we have more Tommy from Quinzee posts? He’s a classic character. This “Mickey” is just a collection of unfair stereotypes strung together with offensive jokes.”
Seriously? This has to be a joke. I mean, this is EXACTLY what Tommy from Quinzee is, right? I mean, I want to laugh, because it’s funny, but if he’s serious that’s going to make me a sad panda.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
“CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UH FUCKING REAL FRANCHISE, YOU SUBLETTING PUERTO RICAN SACKS UH DOGSHIT.”
-1, Drew. -1.
December 10th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
The guy pictured, Matt is a JEW from Marlboro NJ, but nice try, moron
December 10th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Nice. Well researched, Drew. Must agree with a few others about the use of yous instead of you. In central Jersey it’s more of a “yez”. “Fuckin shut the fuck up, all uh yez!”
Long live Mickey.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Is this Rockaway, Queens or NJ? If its Queens, he needs to be alot more wannabe Irish, alot drunker, and a little less douchier.
Yeah.. pretty much me.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
@The DJ +1
Definitely needs more italian thrown in. Mooks, Gabones, Stunad, Saseech (Sausage). I feel dick references = Saseech.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
fuck, everything about that picture is fucking perfect. well done, gentlemen.
i have never been prouder of my city, my team, and its retarded douchebag fans.
December 10th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
must add:
i’m just trying to rock, ya digg? am i right?
the jets part really sucked. but might work better for talking about the mets
December 10th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Needed a “moolie always shooten themselves in duh leg when they shoulduh be aeeeming for their heads” line to add that extra tinge of New Jersey racism. Nonetheless, job well done.
December 10th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Bro, you don’t even know how good this is. Fuhkin serious. Not fuh nuthin but it’s like, fuhkin thuuuuh BESSST, bro. No. No! No, you don’t even fuhkin know. It’s siiiiiick bro.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
This guy has to be called “Joey from Bayonne”.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
WHO GETS THE FIRST HEART ATTACK?
Tony Siragusa or Mickey From Rockaway?
December 10th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Boy, you create a character from NY/NJ, and you got fuhkin opinions comin out the woodwork am I right? “I think he should be “Jimmy from 44th Street, am I right” “No, I think he should be “Carlo from Bensonhurst!”
A lot of you have just confirmed the accuracy of this character with your won’t-shut-the-fuck-uppery.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
@Monkey Business: No, just a joke. I know we have this coming.
December 10th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
This is my brother-in-law Tony from Bergen county….do you know him? Only thing missing is that you need another character to tell a story so he can pull some out-of-his-ass knowledge & come up with a bigger/better story….every fuckin time…..Gotta love the family holidays.
“I once knew a guy who accidentally shot himself in the leg & went to the ER using a fake name”
Tony from Bergen County< “Oh yeah, i oncet knew a fuckin guy who shot hisself in the face wid a shotgun & walk to a fuckin Mcdonald’s, then went swimmin’ before he went home…..he didn’t see no doctor for a cupla days!”
December 10th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I really don’t understand any of this nonsense. The photo is of a kid who is NOT Italian and not from any of those gross areas of NJ.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Vinny from West Islip if I’ve ever met him.
December 11th, 2008 at 4:48 am
this seems more like a jets fan
December 11th, 2008 at 4:54 am
New Yorkers whining about this prove every stereotype about New Yorkers is true. Nothing is more awful than watching New Yorkers talk about New York. NOTHING.
December 11th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Brilliant character. Perfect. But what happened to his girlfriend?
December 11th, 2008 at 8:49 am
No girlfriend. Just “broads” he has “consensual” sex with.
December 11th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Thzis is funny, but you know, nowtlike Dana Corvey funny. That Dana Corvey, now dats funny.
Whaddya mean? Jersey’s lovely like you know Hoboken, more like “Ho-pokin,” am I right?
December 11th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Mickey also needs to call the team “DUH NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS” or “DUH G MEN.”
December 11th, 2008 at 9:54 am
@mamacita: Everything south of D.C. is Texas.
December 11th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Not really spot on, but getting close. Real guidos drink Coors light or Heineken light, smoke parliments or Newports. You have to add some :Fugehdaboudit” some hand jestures, ball grabbin
December 11th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
This is pure comedy genius.
Keep woikin’ on dat accent dere and dis Mickey oar whaddevah is gonna go places…I shit you not!
December 11th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
*applauds*