Our long-awaited Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown was lacking in histronics or even a competitive game, but nbc was sure to show Jay in all his dour glory. You know, Tony Romo, for all his shower-collapsing antics, gets all the credit for being a December and January choke artist, but Cutlerfucker is every bit his equal in that regard, as Denver is 5-9 the last three Decembers.

After the jump is a little illustarted story to accompany the 30,000 shots of Cutlerfucker moping, with some bonus boobage for your trouble.

“Did Randy get the new 100 Gig iPod Touch? He probably has all the hot new Dresden Dolls tracks on it. Bastard. Don’t look at it, don’t look at it. It’ll make him think you’re jealous.”

“Is that an iPod? Now way, it’s gotta be a Zune. What a lamer. Yuma will never blow him after third period now.”

“Fuck. It is an iPod Touch. Maybe if I glare at it long enough, it’ll malfunction. I’ll use all my vampire techniques I learned from that Twilight learner’s guide I bought from Border’s for $20.”

“Didn’t work. Typical. Why does everybody get to beat me? Time to cut myself.”

“Ah. That’s it. Sweet release of pain. Drown out the sorrow and show me what it’s like to live.”

“What, no! I’m not doing anything! Don’t open that door, Mom! DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! I’LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!”

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Okay, sorrow about that. Here’re some gratuitous cheerleader pics to make amends.

Had to excise a butterface on the last one. If you were in the live blog, you know of what I speak.