Big Fat Things Are A Changin’ In Valley Ranch
(door flies open)
Jerry: FATASSSSSS! Where is that fatass?! JENNIFER!
Jennifer: Yes, Mr. Jones?
Jerry: Where is Tubby? Have you seen Tubby?
Jennifer: Tubby, sir?
Jerry: Yeah. Tubby. Fatass. Ol’ Puddin’ Tits. Fats Incredible. Chubby Pecker. Lardlubber. FUPA Fighter. Gigantoslob. Chunker. The USS Lusitania. THE FUCKING FAT FUCK THAT COST MY BOY ROMO A PLAYOFF SPOT! WHERE IS THAT FATASS?!
Jennifer: Oh, you mean Coach Phillips?
Jerry: YES! That guy! Where the fuck is he?!
Jennifer: I think he’s in the whirlpool, sir.
Jerry: The whirlpool?
Jennifer: Yes, sir. Said he was going to the whirlpool to relax.
Jerry: Oh, did he now? WHO SAID THAT FUCKING BLUE WHALE COULD BATHE ON MY DIME?! I WILL FUCKING GUT HIM LIKE A MULE! FATTTTTTY!!!!!
(meanwhile, at the whirlpool)
Wade: (in whirlpool, listening to iPod, eating sub sandwich, singing)
Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly
Down in the easy chair!
(door flies open)
Jerry: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY WHIRLPOOL, HUMPBACK WADE?
Wade: (takes off headphones) I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the music there, Sir.
Jerry: You get outta that tub NOW, MR. BUBBLE! I don’t care if we need a towel the size of Indiana to cover your fat ass! WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD RELAX?! AND GIT THAT GODDAMN SANDWICH OUTTA THERE!
Wade: Welp, season’s over. Thought I’d just chill out for a second.
Jerry: Oh, did you now! YOU FUCKING FATASS! My gorgeous team is going down the shitter AND IT’S ALL YOUR BIG FAT FAULT!
Wade: So fire me, then.
Jerry: What?
Wade: Fire me. Don’t matter to me. See, I learned something this year, Mr. Jones. And that, as head coaches go, I’m not very good. I’m just not. I make a damn fine defensive coordinator. But I’m just not head coaching material. And you know what? That’s all right. I’m fine with that. Not everyone is comfortable at the top. I tried my best, and darn it if it wasn’t good enough. But I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. It’s just another thing to learn in life. And there you have it. So go ahead. Fire me. There are gonna be eight new coaches out there looking for defensive help, maybe more, and I’ll be glad to hop on board with them. Now, if you’ll excuse me… (puts on headphones)
Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Whoo-ee! Are we gonna fly
Down in the easy chair!
Jerry: YOU FAT DISGUSTING PIG! YOU’RE NOT GONNA RIDE HIGH, OR FLY, OR GO DOWN ON ANY FUCKING EASY CHAIR! I’m not gonna fire your fat ass, Frankenberry!
Wade: No?
Jerry: Oh, no. You got us into this mess, NOW YOU’RE GONNA GIT US OUT! I will keep you here FOREVER, Fatty! I’ll make sure they bake a fresh pan of cream cheese brownies in the kitchen every day. YOU’LL NEVER FIT OUT OUR DOOR, FATSTORM!
Wade: That’s another thing, Mr. Jones. You can all me all the names you like. But I don’t really care. I enjoy food. I enjoy life. And I CAN walk out that door. You watch me.
(gets out of pool)
Jerry: OH, JESUS CHRIST! IT’S LIKE THERE’S AN GIANT AVALANCHE OF COOL WHIP COMING AT ME WITH A LITTLE KIDDIE DICK ATTACHED TO IT!
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman hurr fo da pool pardee. Wat diz phat gurrl doin up in dis bizz? Pacman ain’t down wid it. Pacman ain’t go for dem eggplantz. DAT 2 MUCH PUSSY. Pacman gots da reel bubblez fo dat bath…
OH SHIT! Pacman git wid dat! Pacman gon shine. He gon mak hurr drank from dat luvhose. OH SHE GON DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till dat bitch git wet. He gon mak dat azz cry. He gon BLOW DAT AZZ UP. 4rilly. HE GON DAYG DAT TUNNL. He gon turn dat fuk on.
And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon drank. U THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? HE GON DRANK. Pacman say seezon’s ovah, so he can go bust dat puzzy till da red meat showz. CHUH CHUH.
Jerry: You fucking fumbling piece of shit! I HIRED YOU TO SCORE DEION-STYLE TD’S, NOT FUMBLE THE BALL LIKE SOME KANSAS CITY FAGGOT!
Pacman: Pacman jus tryn ta shine.
Jerry: YOU DON’T SHINE FOR SHIT, ASSHOLE! YOU’RE ABOUT AS SHINY AS A DEAD WOMAN’S TIT! (turns to Wade) You better git this asshole BACK IN LINE, you big naked tub of shit!
(door flies open)
Garrett: Oh, Good Heavens! I’ve seen the Hideous Beast without his protective layering! Avert your eyes, all! Or he shall consume us all with his ghastly pseudopods!
Jerry: You fucking Ivy League cocksucker!
Garrett: What? Who? Me? Surely you jest! This is a good jesting, yes?
Jerry: NO! Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a star?
Garrett: I believe you told Melville’s White Whale over there on more than one occ…
Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! And you’re ruining him! We went up to Philly and got the tar beaten out of us by a bunch of SANDWICH-EATING YANKEE FAGGOTASSES!
Garrett: Oh, Mr. Jones. The problem is far more complex than you grasp, I fear! For we had the perfect game architecture in place for victory! A dazzling rainbow of swing passes to Tashard Choice, EACH MORE STUNNING THAN THE LAST! And then, almost clandestinely, A JUPITER-LIKE STRIKE TO WITTEN! And then, we were all going to sit down for a good, civilized EATING! It was a plan that would make even Churchill himself blush with envy! Alas, the execution…
Wade: Oh, quit blaming everyone but yourself, you ginger-faced asshole.
Garrett: Excuse me, good Sir? It’s difficult to hear you with YOUR NAKED, DRIBBLING MASS CONFRONTING US ALL!
Wade: He doesn’t even care, Mr. Jones. He’s going to Detroit.
Garrett: What? Why… Harumph! How dare you question my loyalty, sir! You, good sir, are a CRUMB BUM! There, I said it! YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A CRUMB BUM!
Jerry: You’re not going to Detroit, you freckle-faced queerbait! Not after what I paid to keep your sorry ass here!
(door is weakly opened with least amount of possible effort)
Roy Williams: What? Huh? What’s going on? Why’s Coach all nude?
Jerry: YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT! YOU’D SHORT ARM A BABY IF A GYPSY THREW IT TO YOU!
Roy Williams: Whatever, man. I got a text message.
(leaves)
Jerry: GAHHHHH! I’M SURROUNDED BY NOTHING BUT FUCKUPS! You’re all fucking ruining my gorgeous team! This is the fucking pride of TIXAS, and all of you have DISGRACED THE GODDAMN STAR! I will fucking kill you all! Starting with YOU, Fatty! (comes at Wade)
Wade: I don’t think so, Mr. Jones. MARION!
(door gets stiff-armed off its hinges)
MBIII: JERRY JONES! WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jerry: I’m right here, Barber! I’m not scared of you one bit!
MBIII: No? (puts Jerry in a chicken wing hold) HOW ABOUT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?!
Jerry: OW! FUCK!
MBIII: Jerry Jones, you conscious, MOTHERFUCKER?! Cause Marion Barber got something to say to YOUR ASS! CAN YOU HEAR ME, BITCH?
Jerry: I could hear you better if you let go there, buddy!
MBIII: I AIN’T LETTIN’ GO OF SHIT! You listen to me and you listen good, you motherfucking MOTHERFUCKER! I seen this team all year long, asshole. And the person who fucked this all up is YOUR SORRY RAZORBLACK ASS. Fuckin’ Jerry Jones. Has to bring in every goddamn big named motherfucker he can find off the street. JERRY’S GOTS TO HAVE HIS TOYS! MARION BARBER WANTS TEAMMATES THAT WANT TO PLAY FOOTBALL, BITCH!
Jerry: Fool! I gave you all Tank Williams!
MBIII: TANK WILLIAMS DON’T PLAY FOR SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER BRINGS GI JOE DOLLS INTO THE HUDDLE!
Wade: I was not aware of that.
MBIII: Shut up, naked Fat Ass!
Wade: You got it.
MBIII: You listen to me, Jerry Jones. Marion Barber says YOU THE MOTHERFUCKER who needs to clean this mess up. YOU are the problem. I am TIRED, Jerry Jones. I am tired of hearing every goddamn excuse from every goddamn player on this team. YOU WILL FUCKING FIND ME SOME BETTER TEAMMATES, OR MARION BARBER WILL FUCKING SHOVE A LEAFBLOWER UP YOUR REDNECK ASS AND TURN IT ON. YOU READ ME, ASSHOLE?
Jerry: Yes, Sir!
MBIII: And get Roy Williams out of here. HE DOES NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKER!
(leaves)
Jerry: Well, um… You heard the man! Get to work, ALL OF YOU!
Wade: All due respect, Mr. Jones, I think I’m gonna go home.
Jerry: Oh, really?
Wade: Yes. Really. I got an easy chair to fly into. And it sounds like you got a lot on your plate. Or would you like me to call Marion again?
Jerry: Why, you… I… you should… FAT! YOU’RE FAT! YOU’RE FUCKING FAT!
Wade: AND I’M FUCKING CRAZY TOO! YEEEEEHAW!
Jerry: GOD DAMMIT, THAT ISN’T HOW YOU SAY IT!
Wade: I’ll see you after the holiday, Mr. Jones. I won’t be in until Monday. Garrett can handle anything you need until then.
Garrett: What? But Bunny, the kids and I were going to Nantucket!
Jerry: Save it, shithead. YOU AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE.
Wade: (walks out) Ain’t that the truth.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, crumb bums, happy new year kids, i still think he gets fired, I told you they would implode, wade and jerry
December 31st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
December 31st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
he can go bust dat puzzy till da red meat showz
This is why I show up.
YOU WILL FUCKING FIND ME SOME BETTER TEAMMATES, OR MARION BARBER WILL FUCKING SHOVE A LEAFBLOWER UP YOUR REDNECK ASS AND TURN IT ON.
And this is why I keep coming back.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Does the “I told you they would implode” tag count towards the Vikings too?
/ducks Drew’s punches
December 31st, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Thank you for this cherry on the ice cream sundae that was the collapse of the Dallas Cowboys.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Great Dylan song, I really like the Byrds cover on Sweetheart of the Rodeo too. That’s classic country goodness.
Basement Tapes, ftw
December 31st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
“YOU’D SHORT ARM A BABY IF A GYPSY THREW IT TO YOU!”
excellent and funny because it’s true. I actually refered to someone as a gypsy ten minutes ago.
And possibly the greatest dialouge ever from Pac Man
December 31st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Think JJ will have his come to Jesus moment, hire Cowher and just get the fuck out of the way?
December 31st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I’ve been waiting all week for this and it was worth it
December 31st, 2008 at 2:25 pm
“gypsies throwing babies” will be the name of my fantasy football team in 2009
December 31st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
It’s nice to see Wade has finally grown some balls, or rather, Marion gave them to him.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Marion as the voice of reason – so perfect. It was worth the wait, fellas.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I agree with Drew. This fat fuck is gone.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@Kimbo: I think he spends a couple more years fucking things up before breaking down and hiring a real football guy.
Then again, he managed to drive off the last one before they got over the hump, so who knows what that crazy fuck will do?
December 31st, 2008 at 3:15 pm
“MARION BARBER WANTS TEAMMATES THAT WANT TO PLAY FOOTBALL, BITCH!”
Testify, Marion!
December 31st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Bravo!!!
Perhaps the finest one yet – my own New Years gift.
(And some Bob/Roger McGuinn tying it all together. Or Bringing it all back home you might say.)
Happy New Year, Drew.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Wow, that was something.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I think it’s safe to say we can all agree that the Dallas Cowboys are all a bunch of hateable divas… except Marion Barber. MBIII is a badass.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Good for Wade. A man’s got to know his limitations. Keep on disgracing that star, boys!
December 31st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
The crumb bum line is the cascading rainbow of a cumshot that is the culmination of this series.
That is, until the offseason when the Cowboys sign Mark Ingram.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Outstanding on too many levels for as hack such as myself to articulate. Thanks Drew.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
+1 points for the Ester Baxter photo.
December 31st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
If you’re Tashard Choice, do you allow yourself to be in the same room as MBIII? Isn’t that a Cowboy scissor attack waiting to happen?
/Michael Irvin was far more interesting when he did blow….
//Or, when he laid injured on the Vet Stadium turf
December 31st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
“I was not aware of that.”
Spectacular. Also, MB3 has been a fucking amazing addition to the cast of characters. Happy New Year, indeed.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I’d vote this as one of the best posts of the year. You’ve really developed the characters, Drew. I am actually pulling for Wade. It’s awesome to see how he has grown (har har) since you started the series.
Best line I’ve ever read on KSK:
“Jerry: YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT! YOU’D SHORT ARM A BABY IF A GYPSY THREW IT TO YOU!”
Best entrance I’ve ever read on KSK:
(door gets stiff-armed off its hinges)
December 31st, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I thought the first appearance of Wade-with-balls and Marion the Barbarian a couple of weeks ago was awesome, but this- this is the greatest thing ever, right down to Coach Porkchop listening to Dylan on an iPod in the hotub while eating a sub sandwich (thought I heard the Byrd’s version in my head)
December 31st, 2008 at 4:15 pm
And..Print!
Out-fucking-standing, Drew!
You have somehow made me actually like Ol’ Puddin’ Tits. As for the rest of the Cowboys fuck them with a white hot fire-poker. But I do admire Pacmans taste in wimmin, Bullee dat!
Happy New Year to you as well, good sir.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Aside from the lack of a Fats Domino or Minnesota Fats reference, that was perfect.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
@UU
No way does that Pacman dialogue beat “WE GON MAKE A MONPOON.” The Emmitt Smith 2008 Made Up Word of the Year.
December 31st, 2008 at 4:50 pm
simply genius. fan.fucking.tastic. MORE MBIII!
December 31st, 2008 at 5:04 pm
It’s clearly not Garrett’s fault! Princeton alums NEVER fail at anything!
December 31st, 2008 at 5:24 pm
i’m still waiting for more Terrell “Eldorado Fuckin’” Owens!
December 31st, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I still hate you but this was some funny shit.
/now go burn in hell
December 31st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
For those that like a listen in on the hot mess of Dallas via scorching podcast with Michael Irvin et. al, check out Monday 12/29.
http://stations.espn.go.com/stations/espn1033/archive?id=3208681
and in this one, JJ is compared to God…not in a good way! 12/29 with Galloway and Matt Mosley
http://stations.espn.go.com/stations/espn1033/archive?id=3007926
December 31st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Did they implode or asplode?
December 31st, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Thanks, Drew. Great way to end my sober 2008.
NOW I GON DRANK.
December 31st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I’ve only been reading this site since the “Charles Hayley Wants You to Watch Him Masturbate” post back in the summer, but I have followed this Dynasty/Dallas/Valley Ranch saga since that time. This is easily the funniest in that line, and I would put it up against every other post on this site since that time. It just got more and more funny the more I read it. Very good stuff. +1,000,000.
Also, on a personal note, I too have recently used the term gypsy this holiday season. It’s been about a week and a half and my grandmother still won’t talk to me.
December 31st, 2008 at 8:56 pm
A+++++++++++++++++ WOULD READ AGAIN
December 31st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
If MB3 had entrance music WWE-style, would it be the Stone Cold theme?
January 1st, 2009 at 1:31 am
I still want the Cowboys season to end with bloodshed (preferably JJ’s), but this is nice, too.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:25 am
Also…
Ester Baxter can fill my pool ANY…FUCKING…TIME!!!
/Starts building pool
January 1st, 2009 at 3:35 am
Beautiful.
I can’t wait until Peezy and Barber have an encounter.
Someone’s gonna die.
January 1st, 2009 at 11:37 am
I’m never going to get the image of Tank Johnson playing with GI Joes out of my head.
January 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
YOU’D SHORT ARM A BABY IF A GYPSY THREW IT TO YOU!
Best line ever….
Wow… by far the best wade-and-jerry, Drew. Nice work.
Fabulous to see ol’ wade finally get the one-up on the boss….
January 1st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
In a comedic way this is full of more truths than the NY Post, I enjoy every time one of these come up. Because I’m down wid it and gonna drank and gonna make it rain and gonna spray some gravy on dem chikkies
January 1st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Marion Barber III, Drew and Bob Dylan:
WAYZATA, (and HIBBING, respectively) MINNESOTA! REPRESENT! REPRESENT!
/fully aware that all of their major accomplishments happened outside Minnesota, assholes.
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Holy shit. Wade ‘n’ Jerry is generally great, but this one raises the bar to stratospheric heights. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:05 pm
“YOU DON’T SHINE FOR SHIT, ASSHOLE!”
Damn you, that’s what I said on Sunday.
January 2nd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I think that this was the best post of the year, bar none! The Cowwhores can go get fucked with a chainsaw. Keep it up JJ!
/Bobby Carpenter with his hair and dumb frat boy voice need a character
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
This is BY FAR my favorite ongoing series here on KSK. Please keep “the double J” coming! I have hated the Cowboys ever since I got in a fight with some retard Cowboy fans (I know redundant) during a Chicago-Dallas game at a local bar. Since stereotypes are a real time saver, I believe all Cowboy fans are intolerant, inbred, closeted-homosexuals who really do think that their team is “America’s Team”.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Catching up on KSK is always worth the half-morning it consumes. This post proved that today.
BUT
I’m at work
I gotta shit
You fuckers just caused me to build a memorial to Esther Baxter in my pants.
The fuck am I supposed to do now? Can’t whack off in the office. Can’t stroll by the secretary in the not-so-flat-front chinos. My asshole is doing jumping jacks over here…and over here the dick is doing pushups. FUCK YOU
Skinny-ass cheerleaders I can handle. But that right there was unexpected. Esther is so thick, you can’t see Osi Umenyiora kneeling down behind her. When I sit down with MY crayons and try to draw God; that’s the picture that comes out.
From here on out, any picture of Esther Baxter should be accompanied by a pic of Drew. You’d think Wade Phillips would be a boner-stopper, but his big, luscious bitch-tits just remind me of Esther.
I’ll be thinking of you when I wipe my ass. Fifteen fucking minutes from now.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:07 am
bdd: thank you. good to see you’re a big-game player. you’ve created a climate of expectations with these that seems unsustainable; but, when circumstances require an A paper, you deliver.
while some think double-j’s gonna fire wade, it’s very doubtful for two reasons. one, jerry’s convinced mr bubbles needs just a bit more time to mold the team. jerry’s control group in this experiment is what he calls the premature firing of chan gailey. jesus fucking christ. the gailey-led cowboys couldn’t have beaten a mediocre intramural team. gailey’s nothing more than a testament to how high you can actually stack shit. two, the only motive force in this universe more powerful than jerry’s ego is his love of pussy. and wade, in one of the most inexplicable genetic results in recorded human history, is 50% responsible for this:
http://img11.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=38618_Tracy_Phillips_-_CharlieWilsonsWar16000307919-08-450_122_772lo.JPG&loc=loc772
the cowboys’ journey through the wilderness will be long indeed.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:27 am
MBIII: TANK WILLIAMS DON’T PLAY FOR SHIT! MOTHERFUCKER BRINGS GI JOE DOLLS INTO THE HUDDLE!
Wade: I was not aware of that.
That wins. Too good.