LET’S BITCH ABOUT SIMMONS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WATCH THAT GOAT VIDEO AGAIN. “I wish I could properly explain what it’s like to root for a Belichick team but I can’t.” So true. It’s a special experience YOU FACKS WILL NEVAH UNDAHSTAND! NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN GRITTIAH!!!!!! “Also (Giants fans), keep telling yourself that your seventh-string wide receiver catching a pseudo-Hail Mary off the top of his helmet with your season on the line wasn’t the single luckiest play in sports history.” NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!
Tags: so damn pleased with himself, wes welker: kid of steel
December 19th, 2008 at 11:03 am
And where was “Men With Balls” on his book recommendation list?
December 19th, 2008 at 11:04 am
It is a rare photo in which Simmons is the least douchey person pictured…
December 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I’d punch Simmons in the cawk for his Giants comment but his gay lover probably has it in his mouth. On second thought, I’ll just punch his gay lover in the mouth.
Bawston douche with a mangled cawk. Happy holidays fucker!!
/Irate Giants fan
December 19th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I wish Simmons would trip and fall on that girls head.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Wait…5000 words and no mention of WELKAH?!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Fuck Simmons. Cock!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
god I hate the expression ‘I wish I could properly explain…’ by anyone who gets paid to write. Fuckhead, that’s your fucking job. Here’s what it’s like: a post-meal burp that becomes almost a reversal–it’s eminently enjoyable until a little yak shows up. He’s a great coach who has his team, my team, more than likely better prepared than the opposition. That’s an eminently enjoyable feeling, but it’s tempered with a mouthful, half-regurgitated bile of knowing that he’s a tremendous douche who has been caught cheating.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:20 am
It’s been sad that there have been fewer “Sport’s Gal’s Rants” this season. It was always so nice hearing her anecdotes that she thought were witty/flattering yet really came off as an unpleasant, egotistical, obnoxious bitch who all of her friends talk bad about when she isn’t around. She might actually be Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta*.
*Wife watches that show and it’s magnetic. Some things are just out of your control.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Um, dude, chill. Simmons put a P.S. after the Tyree comment that said that he was only kidding. There are a number of viable things to bash Simmons about, but this isn’t one of them. Now take a deep breath, and then go suck on a big bag of cocks.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Owah dahkies ah bettah than yowah dahkies!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Quite the claymation picture of Simmons ya got there.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:36 am
So what was the tuck rule play Simmons?? I tactically brilliant strategy?? Idiot.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Simmons is the kid from high school who made highlight videos of the sports teams and wished that he too could plug the hot cheerleader in the ass like the starting QB did on game day.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Simmons put a P.S. after the Tyree comment that said that he was only kidding.
OMG THAT’S SUCH A FUNNY JOKE! Or perhaps a cheap way of covering your ass when you decide to sound like a complete tool!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Yes P.S. makes up for every thing .
Now go suck on a big bag of Fordyce cocks, or do you not like white mixed with dark?
P.S. Just kidding, I love ya buddy!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Why, oh why are people so high on the fucking Colts? They went down to the wire against a horrible Jags team that even went to the trouble of gift wrapping a pick house for them.
The Colts are barely above-average. I said it.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I will agree with Simmons on Drew Carey royally fucking up “The Price Is Right.” Flipped over randomly one random off-day and was stunned at how unfunny (well okay, that part wasn’t stunning) and disinterested he looked in his MULTI MILLION DOLLAR JOB. Fuck, I wouldn’t want that idiot hosting board game night.
Horrible, horrible choice, CBS. Alan Thicke was available and far cheaper. Shit, I’d rather see that little fat shit who lost to Jesse on the MTV VJ tryouts and inexplicably got the job, then ended up on FX hosting movies.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
there has nevah been a mo-ah gritty pah-fomance than that of the 2008 Pay-tree-uts. NO ONE CAN DENY THIS! WE HAD INJURIES AT EVERY POSITION! AND MADE NO EXCUSES!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
@TDub: agreed. The Lions kept it close with them. The Lions.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
“I wish I could properly explain what it’s like to root for a Belichick team but I can’t.”
Browns fans can explain. It’s a lot like rooting for a Romeo Crennel team.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
My favorite part of the column:
Gift No. 2: A Blu-Ray player ($200-250). Better than DVD in every conceivable way. I won’t recommend a brand because I don’t want to offend a potential sponsor. (By the way, I didn’t write that last sentence.)
December 19th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I hear General Mills makes a mean Blu-Ray player.
Blu-Rays are awesome, however. The downside is that is makes you an insufferable snob. “Oh, you want to watch [whatever movie]? But you only have it in DVD? Ugh, okay, I guess.”
December 19th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
As the resident Colts apologist, I’d like to point this out: the Lions ran the option against the Colts. THE FRIGGIN OPTION. They, against all odds, haven’t quit yet. There’s something to be admired there.
However, when the chips were down, Peypey put the Colts on his shoulders and carried us to the playoffs.
The guy just played a basically perfect game on the road against an amped up and emotional divisional opponent. 31 teams watched that game last night and went “I wish he were my QB.”
MANNING FOR MEAST OF THE WEEK!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I’ve stopped reading Simmons so fuck that guy. And oh yeah 18-1 never gets old.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
The guy just played a basically perfect game on the road against an amped up and emotional divisional opponent. 31 teams watched that game last night and went “I wish he were my QB.”
Your defense, however, you can keep that.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
seems to me Freeney carried the team last night…. or did I miss Peyton Manning sacking Garrard to move the Jags out of field goal range with no timeouts……
December 19th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
(P.S.: I don’t really believe all that. Just wanted to see what it looked like in print. But no, seriously, I think that was a bullshit play and there should be a re-do of the Super Bowl when Tom Brady is healthy. My buddy House and I have started a petition with my Bratz notepad.)
December 19th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Simmons whispering to the other douche in the pic:
“There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ‘em. “
December 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
So if the Colts are just above-average what does that make the Pats and Steelers?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
The Bills?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
They can’t be that shitty.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I like the joke Simmons made about Congress bailing out the Rams. HOW DOES HE KEEP UP WITH THE NEWS LIKE THAT?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I’m just surprised he didn’t come out with a joke about gas prices. Means he’s getting quicker in his old age.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
You know what wasn’t the luckiest play in sports, fucko? Not being able to wrap up Lil’ Eli Manning before he could get the ball to Tyree.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
The luckiest play in sports history? How some douchetastic fuckwad managing to sucker some sports related entity to give him a job writing about sports every week and get paid > $1 to do it.
Second luckiest play in sports history? The same douchtastic fuckwad managing to keep the previously mentioned overpaid position despite writing basically the same thing every fucking week!! And to top it off, going to pod broadcasts so said douche wouldn’t even have to write anything some weeks.
If this was in a movie, no one would ever buy this as a realistic plot line.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
So if the Colts are just above-average what does that make the Pats and Steelers?
Exactly. The Colts defense look alright against Ben the Retard and the five turnstiles known as his offensive line.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
TTGT: An above-average Steelers hater. Not the best, but he’s working at it.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Funny, I always thought Sports Guy landing the fat, happy ESPN gig was the luckiest play in sports history.
(Not necessarily “lucky, good” but “lucky” nonetheless.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
“I wish I could properly explain to you what it’s like to root for a team that got to play half it’s schedule against the AFC & NFC West’s.”
Fixed it for you, Billdo. Now tell us how much grit it takes to run out to a decent record against that murderer’s row.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I personally prefer the section of the article where Simmons thinks a miked-up Belicheck represents his REAL persona.
It’s not like the fucking Truman Show, asshole, he knows not to talk about the three middle-aged pigs he knocked up in Long Island…fucking dummy.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I read the article because I click on whatever links are put in front of me. He’s gone from douche-tard just plain frickin’ boring. I still can’t figure out his Jacksonville comment comparing the number of Jag wins to “times you’ll laugh out loud while watching a Jimmy Fallon webisode.”
Huh?
Consider I’ll never watch Jimmy Fallon in anything — other than a snuff film — once the Jags got Win #1, they beat that. And if, God forbid, you like Jimmy Fallon, Jax going 18-1 (my favorite record!) wouldn’t beat the odds. I get the feeling that Simmons told Fallon he’s work his name into a column and, well, it was work getting that reference in.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I placed a personal ban on Simmons a long time ago- reading him just pissed me off and then I’d feel like an idiot because some douchebag Boston homer got to me. But today, I’d already seen a video of a monkey fucking a goat, so what the hell, I’ll read a Bill Simmons column. Big mistake.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
But today, I’d already seen a video of a monkey fucking a goat, so what the hell, I’ll read a Bill Simmons column.
It’s certainly hard to find fault with the logic expressed here.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Hey everybody, ease up on Simmons. He just told us all about Rod Rust, and how he suffered through the 1-15 season. Those lovable Boston scamps have earned Belicheck and Brady because THEY ARE THE GREATEST FACKIN FANS IN THE FACKIN WORLD! THAYAH FANS CAN SINGLEHANDEDLY WIN GAMES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
December 19th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I refuse to buy Bostonian shoes because of dickslaps like Simmons.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Hmm, weird, he seems to have temporarily let his hatred for the Colts for the AFC Championship two years ago go. Although since he spends an entire paragraph claiming the Colts are more “lucky” than good, maybe not. Funny, how [i]every[/i] major rival the Patriots have wins only through luck… while the scumbag Patriots and their cheating coach are apparently “gritty” and “gutty.”
December 20th, 2008 at 1:26 am
“Hey everybody, ease up on Simmons. He just told us all about Rod Rust, and how he suffered through the 1-15 season.”
So did Jets fans…where’s our fuckin’ run of 3 championships?
December 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I’m glad the Pats have remained competitive due to their easy schedule this year. I just hope they can keep it up long enough to get stomped in the playoffs.