495 vs. 695. It’s the Battle of Clogged, Frustrating Beltways. WHO YA GOT?
A manufactured baseball rivalry between two football cities has somehow never reached the fevered pitch MLB hoped that it would, mostly because Peter Angelos and Ted Lerner are utter tards unfit to run a taco van. But the cities’ two football teams have had varying degrees of success this year and get to settle the Chesapeake Bay slugfest between pits on the Potomac and the Patapsco. Yes, two cities that have held claim to being the murder capital of the United States get to have it out. So, WHO YA GOT?
Contestants
Warrrrshington_______________________Bawlmer
Mayor for Life
Marion Barry______________________William Donald Schaefer
Olympics Darling From the Suburbs
Dominique Dawes________________________Michael Phelps
Drug Dealer of Legend
Rayful Edmond III_________________________“Little Melvin” Williams
Indigenous musical genre
Go-go_____________________Superviolent club music
Early-life stomping ground for pop culture icon
Dave Chappelle____________________Frank Zappa
Favored Fan Football Jersey of the Dead
Sean Taylor______________________Johnny Unitas (But he’s a Colt!)
Criminal Football Players of Note
Dexter Manley______________________Ray Lewis
Finishing Move
Always overstating their chances of winning on Sundees____Returning to Dundalk after the game
Tags: don't forget that both the washington post and baltimore sun are worthless fishwrap, who ya got?, xmas ape
December 5th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I FUCKING HATE GO-GO (COWBELL) MUSIC.
Do I really need to make a choice here? My brain hurts now.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:18 am
You went with the Zappa as the pop culture icon? Curious.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Bawlmer. Flacco’s actually playing well now, which makes the Ravens kinda scary.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:36 am
You went with the Zappa as the pop culture icon? Curious.
When I think of Baltimore, I always thing of weasels ripping my flesh. Rrrrrr!
But I have to disagree with the mayoral pick. Tommy Carcetti, you fucks!
December 5th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Washington’s phallic symbol is bigger than Baltimore’s. But fuck them both in the goat ass for letting the Bullets change their name to something more PC. Bunch of fags.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Yeah would have gone with John Waters maybe….
Returning to Dundalk after the game made me lol
December 5th, 2008 at 8:59 am
How can anyone hate go-go?
If it makes you feel better DC is also the home of hardcore punk artists who like to draw retarded x’s on their hands.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Traffic is so bad on the beltway that cars have to ride on top of other cars.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:09 am
well it’s not as bad as 66
great blog btw, I’m the last person on earth to find it
December 5th, 2008 at 9:13 am
How can anyone hate go-go?
Slim Charles would like to have a word with you.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Yeah would have gone with John Waters maybe….
Waters still lives in Baltimore. The category was a pop culture icon who spent the early part of their life there.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Speaking of olympic darlings, I used to have one of those inexplicable childhood crushes on Shannon Miller.
I say used to have…
December 5th, 2008 at 9:28 am
DC! Don’t hate on go-go. 495 is a million times worse than 66.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:43 am
UM, j4b might hate go-go but I’m guessing he is not “straight edge” punk
December 5th, 2008 at 9:45 am
66 is clogged … on fucking Sunday afternoons
December 5th, 2008 at 9:45 am
@Ape — But Waters is the gay icon. And come on, Female Trouble? Can’t think of a more appropriate man for this blog.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Driving in the District everyday is nothing but a pain in my ass. 495 by a landslide.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:12 am
What’s this “traffic” you speak of? Not familiar with that term here in Buffalo.
/Fuck D.C. and Baltimore, they’re both shit holes.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Ape, you forgot arguably the biggest deciding factor — TV shows based on the city:
Washington: The West Wing
Baltimore: Homicide, The Wire
December 5th, 2008 at 10:14 am
What’s this “traffic” you speak of? Not familiar with that term here in Buffalo.
Yeah, a dying economy and steady decline in population will do wonders for the traffic.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I’m gonna assume that Rocco’s “I’m from Buffalo … D.C. and Baltimore are shitholes” routine was intended to be ironic. If not, well, that’s just sad.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Well, the funny thing about The Wire and Homicide is that they’re both about Bawlmer but their creator is from D.C.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Simon’s from D.C., but he went to college at Maryland and worked for the Baltimore Sun for fifteen years. I think he counts as a resident.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Right, but Homicide is the GOAT. Win for Bawlmer.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:23 am
University of Maryland is inside the D.C. Beltway
/I know cause I WENTS THERE TOO!
December 5th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Well, lah-de-dah, your Terpiness.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:27 am
In DC cops actually write traffic tickets. Baltimore police are too busy doing whatever the hell it is they do instead of their jobs.
As far as I’m concerned that’s a point for the small town on the bay…
plus the Block is still open for business. but they painted over the wall where Omar sprayed Sevino.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:34 am
You east coast elitists and your big city problems. Come on over to the flyover states where the traffic is flowing, the beers are cold, and the maidens are willing.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:37 am
plus the Block is still open for business
So, is that a plus or a minus for Baltimore? Let me put the questions another way. Did the prostitute in Borat give you a chubby?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
WTF? I closed the italics, I swear.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:44 am
MarylaFlaWa?
December 5th, 2008 at 10:51 am
The Wire > The Corner > Homicide > everything else ever. That is all.
December 5th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I’ll take 695 just because it includes the number “69″
December 5th, 2008 at 11:00 am
@ Otto: I was typing that part, and decided to delete it. It’s amazing what being in the rust belt will do for traffic. But actually, aside from all that, this is one of the best places I’ve ever lived or visited.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:06 am
and the maidens are willing but kinda big.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:06 am
I’ll take 695 just because it includes the number “69″
/in honor of sexy Friday
December 5th, 2008 at 11:07 am
I still want to bone Kim Zimeskle, Dommanique Dawwwes, Karen Filipelli, Blonde Doctor, Robin Sherbotsky, Joy Hickey-Turner, Cheryl Miller, Jennie Finch, Suzy Kolber and many other people that are not real – but on TV.
Shannon Miller is a prude.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Rocco, in all fairness, I’ve spent time in Buffalo and enjoyed it.
But the fact that it seems to have two seasons — winter and August 6th — really is a major strike against it.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I bet ray ray has some bodies in the vacants
December 5th, 2008 at 11:26 am
baltimore, home of challenge pissing!
December 5th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Go-go just sounds like some hillbilly got a few cowbells and the MC’s got that same scratchy voice from yelling his “lyrics” over the mic.
“UH-HUH UH-HUH LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!! HEY! HAVE MERCY BABE, I HOPE YA DON’T MIND”
That’s the only song I could tolerate. And no I am not “straight edge” punk. Skinny jeans and a gelled out mohawk wouldn’t quite work for me.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:44 am
D.C. is the better city, but Balt has better fans for both Football and Baseball (back when the O’s were still alive). I’m saying this as a DC suburb resident who loves the O’s and the Ravens.
BTW- GoGo is the shit. All hail Chuck Brown!
December 5th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Baltimore has crab cakes.
December 5th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
@BAM: How dare you!
December 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
The shit that’s called a traffic jam here wouldn’t even get people to breathe more rapidly in Holland.
Try having a country that’s ~120 miles long by 50 miles wide and routinely having 500 miles of traffic jams in it. Most people are in a 20 mile jam every morning to work and every evening back home.
Good stuff!
Oh, who I got? Neither. Both cities suck.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I’m a life-long westerner, I haven’t visited either city since I was a little kid, and I don’t like the Skins or the Ravens, but I say that on music alone D.C. wins. Duke Ellington, Marvin Gaye, Roberta Flack, Bad Brains, Trouble Funk and Chuck Brown all came from D.C.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
@Otto: I know you’re just busting balls, but this surprised even me:
http://www.synacor.com/pages/jobs/buffalo/weather/
Which is why I’m going to Ellicottville and skiing after work today.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
With the exception of 2 songs, I can’t fucking stand go-go. Still, DC, because I almost got killed in Bodymore. But who hasn’t?
December 5th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Plz don’t hate on go-go!! At least it had a rhythym, instead of a frantic, drugged out pulse (house music anyone):). If it wasn’t for The Wire Trash-more would jus be anotha town in Merrland;)!! DC!!!!!
December 5th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Detroit is saddened to be excluded from the Murder Bowl.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:57 am
” a pop culture icon who spent the early part of their life there.”
Mary J. Blige?
Deadskins. original homerism rules. and that photo of 695 needs more NYC dope dealers.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:03 am
also, +infinity to Gino T for reminding me about Trouble Funk! and Chuck Brown (w or w/o Soul Searchers >>>>>> EU et al.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:53 am
foxxy, i knew by the screen handle that you have class.