Oh, You Think You’re So Hot, Matt Cassel, Just Because You Can Win Without Cheating
So what if all three of my Super Bowl titles are tainted? That’s three more tainted titles than you’ve ever won, you fucking piddling career backup.
You think you can turn this fanbase against me? Best of luck, kid. I made this fanbase, fashioned it with the sheer force of my rugged handsomeness. Before Feb. 3, 2002, there wasn’t anything but a bunch of empty fucking aluminum bleachers in Foxboro Stadium and maybe – MAYBE – a few bored Red Sox fans. I made the goddamn Patriots. Turned them into a brand and gave it meaning. You’re just keeping the throne warm. Shit, half the Massholes who follow this team think you spell your last name with two L’s. Still, YOU think you can be the man?
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. O-kay.
But now clueless pundits are on the cusp of defining my legacy as a system quarterback. Some fucking thanks I get for my 50 touchdowns last year. And like you look even half as good in your White Sox cap as I look in my Yankees hat when I’m parading around the streets of New York. God, I love that town.
If it weren’t for that asshole Bernard Pollard. That dick. For months I’ve thought of nothing but the furiously rakish grin I’d shoot that guy if I saw him again. And how fast I’d run to the sideline if he looked offended by it. That should be me out there against the Steelers. Shit, I’m 5-1 against them. No one, and I mean no one, is better at talking shit to the fourth safety on their depth chart then running away like a bitch when James Harrison shows up than I am.
I’d like to see you act like that much of a cunt today. In your moistest dreams, Moosetard.
And I know you’re the one who put all this extra bacteria in my knee.
[Sighs]
I want my perfect life back.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
Oh sorry. I thought this was the Playa Haters Ball.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
For the record, it was I who wished your knee to be full of bacteria. Actually my birthday wish was for some exotic STD, but staph in the knee works just as well.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Well fucking done, Ape.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
And Rodney Harrison’s career might be over? Thanks God – you’re the best!
Now about Belichick and the syphilis…
November 28th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
It’s a good thing Ape isn’t bitter or anything.
November 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Zoolander may yet get that STD you wished for….he needs one more gang bang with the Maori tribesman and the Finnish dwarves…
November 28th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get home and put more water in Matt Cassel’s Momma’s dish”
/Silky Johnston’d
November 28th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Tom Brady: Mistaking “smoldering lust” for “pissed off” as a facial expression since 2002.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Is Cassel banging Tara Reed yet?
November 28th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Just for the entertainments’ sake, go check out the ‘fanbase’ link and see what Pats fans think about Tom Brady. I can’t decide which is my favorite– the one who wants 2 1st-round and 2 2nd-round picks, or the one that wants 3 1st-round and 3 2nd-round across 3 years.
We all love our teams, but… really? Seriously? I feel like perhaps the Five-Alive & (cheap) Vodka must have been flowing heavily in Quinzee when that was posted…
November 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Cassel is banging Robert Reed.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Fantastic stuff.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Has the Brady Bounty ever been paid out? Just asking.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
@FrankCastle: Herschel Walker, Ricky Williams. And it’s not like the Vikings would sign that kind of deal today, I mean, it’s not like Childress gets all wet when he thinks about having a good QB under center.
As a Patriots fan (NOT BOSTONIAN, NOT EVEN AMERICAN), I can’t avoid thinking how unbelievable stupid this fanbase is. Two good games and they’re asking for the guy who drove them to 3 FUCKING SUPER BOWLS TITLES with Troy Brown and Deion Branch as the #1 WR to be traded? Really? Really? WHAT KIND OF LOYALTY IS THAT?????
Fuck you!
November 28th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Jesus Ape, you sir are brilliant. That was beautiful man.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
As an ex-New Yorker and Giants fan, I’d like to say: I know we can be loud, stupid, obnoxious, over-hair sprayed, gold jewelry wearing assholes, but we would never even consider trading a future Hall of Fame quarterback. (At least until he’s over 40). We spent 3 1/2 seasons saying to ourselves, “Accorsi is right Eli will develop. Accorsi is right Eli will develop” like a mantra through truly awful, interception filled games and Elisha is nowhere near Brady’s level.
Also, can anyone guess how Matt Cassel will do when he’s not throwing to Randy Moss, throwing to Wes Welker, being coached by Bill Belichick, and in a team system he’s studied for years? My guess is: average.
November 28th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
What’s that commercial, “Feeling Kinda Sunday”?
Female uses Masquera (ask Tom Zoolander how to spell it) to apply eye black…. Looks awfully neat Zoolander…one more way Giselle is helping out your metro cause
November 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Just couldn’t get through it without Steeler homerism, could you Ape? Fuck everything Patriot, but I laughed my ass off when he got in Anthony Smith’s face. As every Steeler fan knows, Anthony Smith should’ve been swallowed.
November 28th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
“A staph infection is going to fuck me over and the backup will expose me as nothing but a system player? (laughs douchebagishly) Okay.”
November 29th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Holy shit Five-Alive and Vodka, truly a beverage of the gods, a modern day ambrosia
November 29th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I wonder what Tawwmyy from Qwwinzee would say if someone suggested trading WELKAAH.
/NAWT HAYPPY.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Maybe the Stillers can trade for him – I heard they were looking for a Qback ever since Ben got part of his brain crushed in that bike accident. Which one of QB’s do you want Ape?