You, Sparano, Have Perverted The Mystical Secrets of the Pahokee
In addition to being a connoisseur of uncanny offensive formations and philately, I count among my many varied interests the study of ancient cultures. Steeped as we are in modern comforts, we forget the daring achievements of the industrious peoples long abandoned by the blinkered view of the historical community.
One such civilization that has always intrigued me is the Appalatards. I learned much of these people by studying their descendants during my years coaching in Pittsburgh. Truly a form of evolutionary stasis unseen anywhere else around the globe. Of late, I’ve found inspiration in the study of the noble Pahokee people. A warring tribe, they were reputed for their cunning as much as for their tendency to copy battle tactics from college football.
Through painstaking research, I happened upon a salient detail about their battle tactics that has gone overlooked by generations of my colleagues. It seems that when fighting, those of the Pahokee who would normally carry weapons would pass them off to women and children, who would in turn, give them right back to the original warriors. Enemies were so confounded they fell upon their own blades. Naturally, I saw ways that I could incorporate these measures into my football job. Using a controlled environment, I even conducted a few experiments.
But lo, I returned to my work this season to find that Dr. Anthony Sparano of the University of the Miami Dolphins had cribbed my work, disguising it in a wholly different name. “Wildcat”? How utterly implausible. Are we to believe a spirit lynx came to him in a dream and told him to direct snap the ball to Ronnie Brown? All the more maddening was the fact that this drew the accolades of the entire coaching community. It is a sad reality that this kind of plagiarism is rife within the NFL head coach-anthropological set.
I forge ahead with my work nonetheless, confident in the faith that I will receive the recognition I deserve.
Also, it’s really obnoxious when Kurt Warner refuses to acknowledge that the Earth is more than 5,000 years old. That troubles me to no end, but no more so than some of the dim beliefs of Matthew Leinart. That is a man who believes the human male is only able to germinate the female when his hat is twisted to the left. To see the look on his face after he got the news of his girlfriend’s pregnancy is a study in the failures of genetics.
Tags: prof. kenny wiz, xmas ape
November 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Whisenhunt is now officially too qualified to teach at Arizona State.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Actually, the Dolphins QB Coach, David Lee I think his name is, used the Wildcat at Arkansas where he was the Offensive Coordinator and had Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. This pre-dates Weisenheimers Pahokee, unless of course, you count Pahokee High School in Florida where Anquan Boldin actually played QB. Ouch, my head hurts.
Sorry for attempting real commentary. I would make a dick joke, but it seems to me that Matt Leinart already is one.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Is this a peek into Whisenhunt’s personality? If so, then no wonder he never got the Appalatard job.
/will be using Appalatards going forward
November 13th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@Pepster: Take that back. Matt Leinart is my idol.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’d love to see how those conversations between Whiz and and Big Ben went.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Steeped as we our in modern comforts
November 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
It’a amazing at what adding tard to certain words can do.
/obamatard
/no poflawa, just trying one out that’s all
November 13th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
“It’a amazing at what adding tard to certain words can do.”
I believe this guy’s wearing a Leinartard.
November 13th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Leinart and Big Ben – 2 quaterbacks, 1 brain.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Oh, a weisenheimer eh? Nyuk, Nyuk.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I liked this one–the humor was dry but pretty amusing once I figured out the joke. Reminded me of something The Onion might run, and that’s definitely a complement.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thanks Kimbo. Now I’m off to scrub my eyes with brillo and clorox.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Whisenhunt actually petitioned the league to wear this on the sidelines.
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446202278&site_refer=NEX002&srccode=cii_9324560&cpncode=17-22376744-2
November 13th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Whisenhunt is now officially too qualified to teach at Arizona State.
… but not the University of Phoenix!
November 13th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
He actually was quite amusing *whissiwhoosit* on DP show earlier in the week.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
The Bills had direct snaps to WR Josh Reed a few years back. I’m sure plenty of other teams have done it dozens of other times before that. So, who cares Wizzzzzer
November 14th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
We got us a recurring character here.
November 15th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Xmas ape you are a Godless Pinko. You’re just bitter because you have that Omar epps facsimile and the coach you should have hired is having more success. Pittsburgh blows and so do you.