You fackin’ Tennessee faggots have gawt some fackin’ narve! Just one yee-ah after my beloved Paytreeuts take they-ah rightful place on footbawl lor-ah by going 16-0, you facks have the bawls to try and go undefeated too! WHO THE FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH?!!
(drinks 56 oz. can of Joose)
Like you’d even stand a fackin’ chance against the legendary 2007 Pats jugguhnut! Quite pawssibly the greatest team in NFL history! The Pats would beat that team by at least farty seven points. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Who’s gonna defend Welkahhhh? Fackin’ Cartland Finnegan? THAT DAHKIE ISN’T REAL IRISH LIKE THE FACKIN’ TAWMSTAH IS!
(shows off 666 shamrock tattoo on back of neck)
THIS ONE’S FAR MY ANCESTAHS! TOP O THAH FACKIN’ MARNIN TO YAH, YOU CAWKHANDLAHS!
(puts on Timberland boots)
Like these boots? THESE AH MY DAHKIE-STAWMPIN’ BOOTS!
And these fackin’ Titan fans. What a joke. YOU PEOPLE DO NAWT DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNDEFEATED TEAM. Where’s yar fackin’ history? Did you evah chee-ah far Larry fackin’ Bird when you were-ah a kid, like I did? THEN YOU AHHN’T AS GOOD AT BEING SPARTS FANS AS WE AHHHH!!! Ow-uh team has been around longah, and that makes us bettah! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT FACKIN’ BAWSTON FANS ROOT HAHHDAH THAN ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU COONCAP-WEARIN’ SHITBAWXES!
Fackin’ jawnny come lately fans, you facks. If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!
(flexes calves)
These ahh pussy-getting’ calves!
I just have to laugh, because it’s clee-ah to anyone who knows this game that thah Titans will suffah come playawff time! You cannawt win in thah playawffs if yar fans ahh nawt on pahhhhh with the legendary Bawston faithful. You watch. If the Pats play the Titans in the playawffs, THAT NASHVILLE STADIUM WILL BE 99% RED SAWX FANS! We love nothing more-ah than going to other stadiums and telling people HOW FACKIN’ AWESOME THE SAWX AHHH! Jeff Fishah’s team won’t stand a chance!
(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)
Once again, the fackin’ Pats will triumph. And if we lose, it will be because the Titans clearly gawt lucky, ar becawse the refs facked us, ar becawse farces from the spirit warld deprived us of a victory in arder to keep America fascinated with the awngoing starryline of what it means to be a REAL BAWSTON FAN! SACK ON THAT!
NO MATTER HOW IT TURNS OUT, YOU WILL NAWT BE THE MAIN STARRY! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT SOME FAGGOT NON-BEANTOWN TEAM! You ahh nawt compelling, like we ahhh! THIS IS THE TRUTH!
(puts on cutoff sweatshirt)
So enjoy losing in the playawffs, Titans. Or winning a tainted Supah Bowl! Then enjoy overpaying for Matty Cassel in the awffseason! EVERYONE KNOWS HE’LL TANK WITHOUT OW-UH SUPPART BEHIND HIM! THAT NO GOOD FAGGOT FACK!
THE 2007 PATS WILL ALWAYS BE THE REAL UNDEFEATED TEAM! YOU AHH JUST IMPAWSTAHS! GO CELTIC NATION!
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All u Carrie fans need to stop bashing Tay.
Hey, if America gets a live streaking of Taylor Swift out of this, then I’m all for a Titans perfect season.
@The Pirate Sloth:
Not that anyone cares, but I read Joey Porter in a Samuel L. Jackson voice.
The phrase “jump the shark” jumped the shark. Ben nuked the fridge. The phrase is not only more current but more appropriate to Ben, ’cause he likes ‘SPLOSIONS
Cooncap-wearing shitbawxes.
Excuse me whilst I submit a nomination to the Nobel literary committee in Drew’s name.
aw hell nah we needs to use the porn box to ban this spammer!
And then we gon drank!
i’m going to obama’s website and nominating tommy for secretary of state. he’s the one person who can restore our standing in the world.
oh, and kevincy q: fuck you, cumstain.
Well, now that Big Ben jumped the shark today, at least we can say we still have Tommy.
As a Pats fan, these make me laugh, and then cry a little when I realize these guys represent us. I wish I could say they don’t exist, but I’d be kidding myself.
Oh, and for the record, I’m not rooting for Tennessee to lose for any bullshit pride about the 16-0 season. I just don’t want to listen to Mercury Morris again. Unless he’s rapping:
http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2007/12/mercury-morris-raps-his-feelings-about.html
*(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)*
Inspired by, and ghost written by, Ufford.
Don’t worry Tommy, there’s no way the douche-meter in Tennessee will every reach the record setting levels of the douche-meter in Boston. Oops, I mean Rhode Island, or where ever the fack your facking stadium sits.
Not going to lie, I had no idea what Joose was until I read this article, and then visited the website: http://www.drinkjoose.com/main.html
Oh my god, hilarity doth fill thine horn.
By far the best recurring character on this site. This one was a masterpiece.
I still read Tawmmy in Matt Damon’s voice. It’s rather a perfect fit.
ahem,
one does not drink JOOSE.
JOOSE is better enjoyed whilst SLAMMING.
good day to you, sir.
As we all know, Tawmmy would never cavort with an EYE-talian, but I definitely agree that Sal or Vito would put big money on the Jets to friggin’ murdah da friggin’ bums on Sunday. Favre better keep a few coonasses at his home in case Sal and/or Vito comes over to ensure Deanna’s safety in case of a loss.
I need the Bawston update on men with calves with implants. 1 in 5? 1 in 10? And how SEXAY is it?
@jackin
You got it all wrong – it’s Sal from Woodlawn who said the Jets will beat the Titans.
I love these so much.
Please publish Tommy’s collected works. Please.
(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)
Odds of spelling “cornhole” correctly? 1 in 5?
That’s the only time that Tommy will ever let his lips get anywhere near a Jew.
Don’t fahget they got queeah powdah blue unifohms.
/Resumes daily prayer for earthquake to sink Qunicy into the sea.
Didn’t you know that the Jets are gonna beat the Titans this weekend? My buddy Sean O’Malley from the Local 44 says so!
FUHGEDDABOUDDIT.
Jorts would be a more approroate attire for the Tennessee fans. There are actual jort fashion rules for NASCAR fans.
http://blackflaggedonline.com/2008/08/18/jorts-center/#more-235
Oh, and God, could you please explain last weekends games, and maybe the rules?
Tom Brady’s Manchowder-
How could he not mention Slappy McHairless?
Please God, please please please let the Titans go 19-0.
I love the “No one denies this” argument most of all.
are you able to write in this stupid dialect?
Sure am!
good lord, the calf implants–I saw that Mtv special. that idiot needs to be stuffed into a whale. If only there was one available…
@ smurphette
“No, but his ancestor’s master whose name he inherited was. Not really a source of Irish pride, there, Tawmmy.”
You don’t know Tawmmy too well, do you?
What Drew failed to mention is that Tawmmy’s ex got really turned on by his rape threat text and came right over wearing his favorite Pedroia jersey tee.
What about his jorts? Jorts are the ideal compliment to unscuffed Timberlands.
Jackdaw > Dropkick Murphys
I thought the Thunder stole Seattle’s Supersonics…
What I’ve always been curious about, Drew – do you write these things in English and then go back and translate, or are you able to write in this stupid dialect?
you’d think a guy like Tawmmy would show some solidarity with Kerry Collins’ views on drinking and race
No way Tommy opens his mouth today and doesn’t mention AL MVP Dustin Pedroia, the greatest facking second baseman eva.
The going rate for Titan playoff tickets is a bag of squirrel jerky.
A Fire Island resident?
So what does my hall & oates ringtone make me?
THAT DAHKIE ISN’T REAL IRISH LIKE THE FACKIN’ TAWMSTAH IS!
No, but his ancestor’s master whose name he inherited was. Not really a source of Irish pride, there, Tawmmy.
+ eleventy billion for the calf implants
No way Sawx fans get into Titans stadium. There is shit going on in Nashville – that team is all they got. They’ll be fighting for tickets across the whole damn state.
(Watches Departed for the 23rd time)
If the Pats play the Titans in the playawffs, THAT NASHVILLE STADIUM WILL BE 99% RED SAWX FANS!
Truth
Tommy has a Drop Kick Murphys ringtone on his cell phone
nope.
Man, as a Boston resident these never get old – well done, sir.
First?
I think that guy is my accountant