What Mysteries Lurk Within a Jungle Deep
[The sound of volcanoes exploding in the distance blends with the cawing of exotic birds and the howls of unidentifiable beasts. A few long-haired wild men swing from the trees, dropping into sight only to snag lava rocks just before they hit the ground]
Ben Roethlisberger: HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO YOUR ISLAND, TROY. EVER SINCE SOME KID POINTED A LIGHT GUN AT ME AT THE GAMESTOP, I DON’T FEEL SAFE! GOTTA FIND BODYGUARD IN YOUR VERSION OF THE SAVAGE LAND! CAN IT BE SAURON?
Troy Polamalu: [Mutters something softly about Jesus]
Ben: THE JEEBUS MAY WORK FOR YOU, BUT THE JEEBUS DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT TIES!
Troy: [Complains softly about the NFL's increasingly stringent policy on hits]
Ben: BEN NO PANSY! JUST NEED FEEL SAFE WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC
[Dense jungle brush flies open]
Samoan Warrior: UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Ben: HALP! [Runs behind Troy]
[Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts, get up, stare at each other uneasily, then shake hands.]
Troy: He’ll be your bodyguard now.
Ben: BEN HAS BODYGUARD NOW! CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF
Tags: ben rongrastname, polamalu island, xmas ape, yes there will be a live blog tomorrow
November 19th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
needs more PEW PEW PEW
November 19th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Made my day!
woot woot
PEW PEW
November 19th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
The idea of “Ben gon’ drank” is killing me
November 19th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
not bad pidgin, bruddah! Troy just goes a million miles an hour. If Ben had much of a line this year, they’d be up there with Tennessee for best record. HH at http://www.showoffsports.com
November 19th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
nice work
November 19th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Wow.
I was expecting Hines Wald, but we got Umaga. What a swerve, Its like Vince Russo is doing the booking.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
HALP!
That one made me spit out my Joose.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
BEN GONE DRANK … out of a sippy cup.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I’m fairly certain these liveblogs are the only reason I watch shitty matchups anymore. The monday night football was epic:
“Worst post-Patriot career: Heath Ledger” Fantastic.
Also, Ben gon’ drank. Buhlee, ben gon’ drank.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I don’t know, Ben strikes me as more of a Left 4 Dead kind of guy.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Okay, this was going to be down there with the pinkie post yesterday…but BEN GON DRANK takes this from the shitter and puts it up top. That is too fucking funny.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I always had Ben pegged as a Mario Party 8 kinda guy
November 19th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Doesn’t he have to ask Troy if he can go out, let alone go out drinking all that Red Bull? He might not be sharp for the game on Thursday.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I have to admit something. I finally had the lightbulb moment on “Rongrastname” last week. For weeks I have read, chuckled and understood the rest of the Hines Wald speak and just knew that was a joke about Roethlisberger….sigh. HALP!
I too find Blogkakke the only way to view football this season. TOO MUCH POOPIE ON FIELD. BEN NO LIKE!
November 19th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Mention of Sauron: Yaaay.
No mention of Ka-Zar: Boo.
No mention of Zabu: Double boo.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
completely off topic, but can you guys make fun of the sean taylor thing on the espn. they all sound like such assholes.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@StuScottBooyahs: gotta catch em’ all
November 19th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@ Shane Falco
If Vinny Ru were doing the booking, Umaga would have turned on Ben 8 times by now and Hines Wald would have gotten a handjob from a tlansvestite hookel.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Since I don’t get the stupid fucking NFL Network, I will be relying on the live blog here to simiulate the experience of watching the game as best as possible.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN
Why did this make me think of Pauly Shore in Bio-
Dome?
November 19th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
that espn piece makes ben sound like he’s been following santonio’s lead. paranoid much? although i bet it makes call of duty 4, like, a zillion times more fun. PEW PEW PEW
November 19th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Ben should be safe as long as John Cena or HHH don’t attack him. Then all those months of building up his bodyguard in the eyes of the fans will be wasted.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts
And then their helmets exploded.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I bet Ben loves to use VATS in Fallout 3 going all PEEEEEW PEEEEEEEW PEEEEEEEEW in slo-mo. And yes, I have stayed up many a night playing that game. Fuck me in the butt, it’s the tits.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Why did this make me think of Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome?
Possibly because that’s Rongrastname’s favorite movie.
And yes, SonOfDad, Fallout 3 is the tits.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
VATS moves at the same speed of Byron Leftwich’s 10 second release. Except it’s more accurate.
Yes…yes I own Fallout 3…*insert joke here*
November 19th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Wait, I thought Hines was Ben’s body guard.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
BEN PEES PANTS WHEN MOLE RAT RUNS AT HIM IN FALLOUT
November 19th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
can shit be back on?
November 19th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
“CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF”
That finally did it, I laughed so hard at work people asked me what was funny/scowled at me for interrupting them working.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Good lord. BEN is the unsung hero of the KSK Universe. Sure, people love Wade and Jerry–but like Forrest Gump…well, let’s just leave it at that.
CAN’T DECIDE TO PLAY FALLOUT 3 OR RESISTANCE 3 OR GEARS OF WAR 2. BEN CONFUSED. BEN ONLY PAWN IN CEREAL OF LIFE. NOW BEN HUNGRY! M-O-O-N, THAT SPELLS “HUNGRY.”
November 19th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
given the glacial pace of ben’s mental processes, his toddler-like simplicity, his sloth-like reflexes, the panic-induced paralysis he displays in the face of anything coming at him faster than half speed, wouldn’t his video game of choice be something on the order of pong? HALP! indeed. who knew ben had a thing for penelope pitstop?
or is ksk taking its prosaic license to unpredecented heights?
November 19th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Actually, I can see the Steelers staff giving Ben a Wiimote during game film meetings and telling him he’s Player One. Keeps him from asking for juiceboxes and Fruit by the Foot.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
In the draft of “Famous Samoans,” I’m not sure I’d have made Umaga the first overall pick.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:36 am
A cat named Jean Grey. A Savage Land/Sauron shout out. Can John Madden be Mojo?
November 20th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Fallout 3…..good game….sorta. Ending sucked ballz. Plot sucked ballz. (and made no sense). VATS is awesome. But it lacked the “soul” of F1.
Now Bioshock (lacks replayability of Fallout) is a great game.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
@porky
+1 for tom cullen