[The sound of volcanoes exploding in the distance blends with the cawing of exotic birds and the howls of unidentifiable beasts. A few long-haired wild men swing from the trees, dropping into sight only to snag lava rocks just before they hit the ground]
Ben Roethlisberger: HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO YOUR ISLAND, TROY. EVER SINCE SOME KID POINTED A LIGHT GUN AT ME AT THE GAMESTOP, I DON’T FEEL SAFE! GOTTA FIND BODYGUARD IN YOUR VERSION OF THE SAVAGE LAND! CAN IT BE SAURON?
Troy Polamalu: [Mutters something softly about Jesus]
Ben: THE JEEBUS MAY WORK FOR YOU, BUT THE JEEBUS DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT TIES!
Troy: [Complains softly about the NFL's increasingly stringent policy on hits]
Ben: BEN NO PANSY! JUST NEED FEEL SAFE WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC
[Dense jungle brush flies open]
Samoan Warrior: UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Ben: HALP! [Runs behind Troy]
[Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts, get up, stare at each other uneasily, then shake hands.]
Troy: He’ll be your bodyguard now.
Ben: BEN HAS BODYGUARD NOW! CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF
I want more like this!
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