[The sound of volcanoes exploding in the distance blends with the cawing of exotic birds and the howls of unidentifiable beasts. A few long-haired wild men swing from the trees, dropping into sight only to snag lava rocks just before they hit the ground]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN

THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO YOUR ISLAND, TROY. EVER SINCE SOME KID POINTED A LIGHT GUN AT ME AT THE GAMESTOP, I DON’T FEEL SAFE! GOTTA FIND BODYGUARD IN YOUR VERSION OF THE SAVAGE LAND! CAN IT BE SAURON?

Troy Polamalu: [Mutters something softly about Jesus]

Ben: THE JEEBUS MAY WORK FOR YOU, BUT THE JEEBUS DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT TIES!

Troy: [Complains softly about the NFL's increasingly stringent policy on hits]

Ben: BEN NO PANSY! JUST NEED FEEL SAFE WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC

[Dense jungle brush flies open]

Samoan Warrior: UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Ben: HALP! [Runs behind Troy]

[Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts, get up, stare at each other uneasily, then shake hands.]

Troy: He’ll be your bodyguard now.

Ben: BEN HAS BODYGUARD NOW! CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF