Tie? What Do You Mean, We Tie?! NO ONE TOLD ME!
(whistle blows)
What? What’s that? The game is over? What do you mean? We tie? There are ties in the NFL? WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
No one told me! I demand such an arcane, obscure rule be written on a very large sign and posted on the door of every NFL locker room. Otherwise, how would anyone ever know? The game just ends? How can that be? THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME!
Well, I’d certainly hate to find out what the NFL would do if such a scenario were to play out in a playoff game or the Super Bowl. What does the NFL do then? Cancel the rest of the postseason? Declare the season a stalemate?! WE ALL GO HOME?! THAT’S BULLSHIT! I am outraged at my envisioned scenario, Commissioner Goodell! Also, I never saw St. Louis and Carolina play a double overtime sudden death playoff game a few years ago.
I think the people on the NFL Competition Committee have a lot of explaining to do to me and my teammates. Not only did they fail to let us know that the game could end in a tie, but they also conveniently “forgot” to let me know about other apparent NFL rules. For example, did you know the clock doesn’t stop if you get a first down? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Dude, there are only two minutes left in the game. I NEED TIME TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS! THE GAME GOES WAY TOO FUCKING FAST OTHERWISE!
Did you know that was a rule? Isn’t that just fucking CRAZY?
Also, I have now been informed that incompletions are NOT worth five yards. WHAT THE FUCK?! Here I am, badly underthrowing receivers all game long so that we can methodically drive the ball down the field, while the goddamn ref has the gall to come up and tell me that, after each completion, the ball is returned to the original line of scrimmage and no five-yard gain is awarded. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus. All those incompletions FOR NOTHING!
And since when aren’t touchbacks worth four points?! I bust my ass all game long to get our punter in good enough position to get us a precious, precious touchback. But suddenly booming one into the endzone isn’t worth four? WE SHOULD HAVE WON THAT GAME BY AT LEAST 70 POINTS YESTERDAY!
It’s like I don’t even know this league anymore. I can’t even recognize the game I once loved. The game I played as a child. The game where I get an extra 20 points tacked onto my QB rating if I tell Andy Reid how much I respect him. Call me a purist, but that’s the way I think the game should be played.
And now you’re telling me I have to play some kind of bizarre, no touchback-awarding, no incompletion-awarding tieapalooza?
That’s fucked up.
I’m sorry. I’m just disgusted right now. I’m going to leave now. I’m going to drive home on the left side of the road, gun it at every red light, drink beer out of my asshole, blow my nose into my shoe, and piss into my neighbor’s Brita filter. Like any rational person who knows the rules of society would.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Bud Selig is also forlorn, Donovan McNabb, dumb enough to merit two posts
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 17th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Dude, there are only two minutes left in the game. I NEED TIME TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS!
And his lunch
November 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
He was really looking forward to that shootout after the third OT.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Jesus man…how is a guy supposed to wind up his gag reflex without sufficient time?
November 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I’m going to drive home on the left side of the road, gun it at every red light, drink beer out of my asshole, blow my nose into my shoe, and piss into my neighbor’s Brita filter. Like any rational person who knows the rules of society would.
I had no idea Donovan was Australian. ‘I’m going to report this to me member of parliament.’
November 17th, 2008 at 11:22 am
For Sale: One aging quarterback with two artificial ACLs and a magenta Cryola crayon for a brain. Enjoys complaining how hard it is to be a rich black quarterback in American. Will take best offer.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:22 am
That drinking beer out my asshole thing has me very perplexeded…..
November 17th, 2008 at 11:45 am
“That drinking beer out my asshole thing has me very perplexeded…..”
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/11/10/the-doctors-discuss-vaginal-vodka-and-anal-beer-bongs/
November 17th, 2008 at 11:48 am
hole up, hole up.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Tell me about it. Apparently you can’t call two timeouts in a row and you don’t get any points for being the biggest pussy in the NFL.
Do what I did, Donovan: quit the NFL and dedicate your life to being fucked in the ass by really butch body-builders… by which I mean, uh, dedicate your life to Christ.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Jaws, did you ever think in A MILLION YEARS you’d see the Bengals tie the EAGLES???? Isn’t that INSANE? If you’re an EAGLES FAN, you’ve GOTTA be thinking “How UNPREDICTABLE this game is sometimes!”
November 17th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Just imagine if this was on MNF with Kornheiser announcing
November 17th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Donovan will soon be in a league where 1 point is awarded for a touchback.
/CFL
//actually heard someone talk about the Pats and what “John Cassel” has been doing for them on the bus, that’s what I get for being born Canadian.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Wait, are you telling me I’m not actually Irish? Campbell’s Chunky Soup is not actually a good pre-game meal?
November 17th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
McNabb looks like what my father looked like when he was on chemo. Well, the black version of my father, anyway.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Now KSK is just taunting me.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
The big question is: Does McNabb get to smoke his celebration weed or not?
November 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
It’s not his fault… the NFL rulebook was written in such a way that it is culturally biased. For this reason, since Brother Donovan didn’t have the same opportunity to learn the rules as his oppressive white QB counterparts did, it only seems fair that he should have been afforded the opportunity to play a second OT. I’m calling for a boycott of all future Bengals home games until this injustice is addressed (I accept checks, money orders, & of course cash).
November 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that “Rev. Al Sharpton” is the same guy who posted as Rush Limbaugh
November 17th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Two Eagles posts about yesterday and not an appearance from the Emo Eagle?
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Well, laugh, because these posts are brilliant. Also, fuck Donovan. He used up all my goodwill yesterday.
November 17th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Was it that obvious?
November 17th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
He didn’t tie, he just ran out of brain.
November 17th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Supposedly, drinking beer with your ass would get you drunker faster than drinking it.
And that’s actually true, not just a SP joke.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
It’s my fault. Seriously. It’s my fault that grown men who play football for a living don’t know a very simple and obvious rule. I actually said this. To the media. They have it on tape. When asked about why my team didn’t know a simple rule, I literally said “I’ll take the responsibility for that.” For real. I said that. It certainly isn’t D’s fault! A man that stupid can’t be expected to learn all the rules.
/huffs jar of human shit.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Bo Knows Games Can End In Ties