Through the Looking Glass: ‘Ocho and Marvin’ Truer Than Previously Imagined
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Ocho Cinco was up before dawn to shop at Best Buy this morning:
Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, “I’ve been trying to call coach, but he doesn’t answer.” It was 5:25 a.m.
As I said over on With Leather, the only way that list of items could be better was if it included some Michel Gondry DVDs.
But you know what? There’s a lotta shit in a Best Buy. That list of items/potential Marvin Lewis gifts could probably be WAY better. Since we’re lazing through the day, we’ll open up the comments for what else Chad should be buying at Best Buy. Please include your reasoning and imagined Ocho Cinco commentary if necessary.
Tags: Best Buy, Black Friday, captain caveman, ocho and marvin
November 28th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
He’s gonna buy a copy of “Men With Balls”…..NOT
November 28th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?
Ah Chad Johnson, the gift that keeps on giving.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
A copy of NFL Street Volume 3 with Ocho Cinco on the cover.
“Hey coach, can we put fences around the field? This game says I’m real good at makin catches off the fence and shit.”
November 28th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“I got Coach a memory card, in case he gets Alzheimer’s someday and he needs something to remind him where his keys are and shit.”
November 28th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Just remember to save the receipts.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Chad was later seen galloping away on a golden horse and singing the hover bacon song.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The purpose of Black Friday is to buy stuff? I just horde the stuff it looks like other people in the store want and wait them out. Then replace it on the shelf and repeat.
Fucking hen mothers.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Yo Coach, I got us all matching GPS systems, that way we’ll always know where each other is. Like if I’m on the bench, you’ll just look at your screen and know where Ocho Cinco at. On the field, Harvard boy can just watch his screen for me to get open and know where to throw the ball. From like space and shit.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Chad, we all thought Dead Presidents was a great movie. But the outfit is taking it too dang far
November 28th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Rock Band or Cuisinart? Damn, I’m gonna hafta call Ray on this one.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
CHAD:Yo, Mary, where’s Chuck?
MARY, Best Buy Cashier: Chuck who?
CHAD:Bartowski. You know, double secret spy and shit.
MARY: Ocho, he’s just a character on that TV show.
CHAD:Aw, come on now, I know there is a trap door around here somehwere.
MARY: No, Ocho, there isn’t.
CHAD: Where is that hot ass blonde spy girlfreind of his. And what about Casey, I know he’s here somewhere…
MARY: Again, Ocho, those are all characters from a TV show.
/I think you know the rest…..
November 28th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
He looks like Tyrone Biggums from the Chapelle Show!
November 28th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Ocho: Hey Coach, I got you these “Land of the Lost” DVDs… it’s about the first Thanksgiving and shit, only they left out Jesus. Why is the man always trying to leave out Jesus? It’s like they got something against Druids.
Marvin: He wasn’t a Druid, he was Jewish
Ocho: No he wasn’t
Marvin: Yes, he was
Ocho: No he wasn’t…
November 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
T.J Hushmongesunheit starring at the friendly sleestak.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
“as”…dick
November 28th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You know what’s really wrong with this picture?
Exactly. There’s no hot chicks at Best Buy. That chick is probably form A&F or something and just passing through.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Ocho done hit that azzz!
November 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
You know its Black Friday right, baby?
November 28th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Probably construda.
November 28th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Later, at the motel, reality hits home when Ocho realizes why the cute blond salesgirl he picked up has no breasts and a dick-bulge…
November 28th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
“Well, I was gonna rent some videogames, but the giant sign said I’d best buy instead. So, here we are.”
November 28th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Our friend Ocho is not nearly competent enough to even be INSIDE an electronics store let alone competent enough to buy things.
Chad’s Mom: Chad!! Put that down young man! Don’t make me come after you Ocho!
Ocho: Mom! Coach ain’t here you gotta clear this up for me. How come when I play the buttons on the plastic guitar, it plays on the TV.
Chad’s Mom: It’s a video game sweetie. It’s one-a them things all these lil tennagers and infantile athletes and rappers be playing nowadays.
Ocho: Yea, but it’s just plastic. And its wireless. How does the TV know what i want it to do? And if its a VIDEO game, shouldn’t it always be thae same. Like when we watch tapes. Those are other teams playing. And they’re the same. Tony Romo doesn’t just unbreak his pinky when I press “Menu > Try Again”.
Chad’s Mom: [on the phone] MARVIN!!!! What the FUCK is you doin’ makin’ me take care-a this boy? You said you’d pay him and keep him the fuck outta my way, and all he had to do was catch some balls. You got some nerve leavin’ his ass here with me!!! Come get your retard, NOW!!!
November 28th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Turns out Marvin didn’t answer because Ocho was trying to call him on the toaster.
November 28th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Ocho’s probably needs to pick up a copy of his fav movie…the blu-ray of “Jerry McGuire” and watch it and keep replaying his favorite part “Show me the Money” with Marvin
November 28th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
PS- Where the fuck did Ocho do his black friday shopping? Because that store is way too empty. Unless they let him early for a photo op, in which case they’re assholes because I’m pretty sure Ocho is the last person who needs to be first in like for discounts on anything.
/Feeling sorry for the poor kid who’s dad actually needed the $40 off on that Rock Band.
//Haha yeah right. Fuck you kid!!!
November 28th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
in line*
November 28th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Chad grabbed two job applications on the way out.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I smell a new Rock Band commercial. Fuck Kobe ARod and Michael Phelps, I want Ocho on the mic and Marvin on lead guitar, probably housh on bass, cedric benson on the drums???
November 29th, 2008 at 12:42 am
Ocho: Excuse me, white lady?
Pam: My name is Pam, sir. How may I help you?
Ocho: I’d like to purchase this “Rock Band” but I need to know which rock band comes with it.
Pam: I’m sorry?
Ocho: This just says “Rock Band” on the box. It doesn’t say which rock band is inside. Is this like one of them surprise bags you get from the ice cream man?
Pam: It’s a video game, sir.
Ocho: Yes, but which band plays with you at your house? Someone good? Like the Rolling Stones or Metallica or one of them bands Carson Palmer made the locker room listen to before he got all gimpy? I don’t want like, Air Supply or some wack shit like that. Can I get the Roots? That would be pretty tight.
Pam: Sir, you don’t understand. YOU play the game. You’re in the band.
Ocho: I don’t play any instruments, Pam. I can’t be in the band. I play football and ever since high school, that’s the rule…football or the band.
Pam: You’re not actually IN the band…
Ocho: Thank you. It’s refreshing to hear a white person get my point.
Pam: No, I mean there’s a set of plastic controllers. Instead of a video game control, you use…
Ocho: I’m sorry, Pam. I just don’t see your side of the argument.
Pam: I–argument? Sir, I’m just trying to answer your question.
Ocho: Well instead of arguing your question, why don’t you help me open this box and see what band comes with it?
Pam: Sir, it doesn’t come with a band. For starters, that box couldn’t possibly hold a real band.
Ocho: But it could.
Pam: No. It couldn’t.
Ocho: But it could.
Pam: No, it really couldn’t.
Ocho: But it could.
Pam: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING DENSE? I FEEL STUPIDER FOR HAVING TRIED TO HELP YOU, YOU FUCKING RETARD! IT’S A GODDAMN VIDEO GAME THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR GODDAMN SYSTEM AND PUSH THE GODDAMN CONTROLS WHILE THE GODDAMN MUSIC PLAYS! ARE YOU DONE ASKING STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS OR DO I HAVE TO GO ON MY BREAK AND THROW MYSELF OFF THE TOP OF THE GODDAMN BUILDING?
Ocho: Wow. You seem upset, Pam.
Pam: I’m sorry, sir. You just really pushed my buttons and it’s been a long morning.
Ocho: Well, this is Ray Lewis’s Christmas gift. I’ll give you a while to calm down, and after Christmas I’m going to send him down here with a gift receipt, and you can explain to Ray why he ended up getting Journey without Steve Perry just because you wouldn’t let me look in the box beforehand.
Pam: YOU–I–sir, I’m going on a break now.
Ocho: Thank you Pam. Merry White Christmas.
November 29th, 2008 at 3:51 am
@make it snow – dammit, you stole my line.
Something about Ocho picking out appliances, electronics and operating a cell phone at the same time doesn’t mesh well. Sounds like it takes way too much brain power. And I don’t buy that “up at dawn” shiz, I’m going with STILL up at dawn.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Ocho: well, i guess you’re as attractive as they come in Florence, Ky…how much are you?
white chick: umm im not for sale
ocho: I guess that makes sense you’re not electronic…or are you?
November 29th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
@porky: tldr
also, i’m sure mr. cinco made his way home with a hefty supply of that bitches cameltoe.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
The salesgirl in the picture is talking him into buying multiple copies of Lee Carvalho’s Putting Challenge.
November 29th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I live in Florence, KY and that’s pretty much as hot as the women there get. That Best Buy is five minutes away from my house and now I’m more pissed than anything else that I missed a chance to see this happen personally.