Wade: (paces back and forth) Oh, FUCK. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. That did NOT go well. We got our dang lunch handed to us out there! Oh God, what do I do? I’m dead. I’m so dead. I’m so dead.

Wait, you know what? I’ve been doing this shit for years now, freaking out any time that crazy asshole’s about to open that door. Well, NOT THIS TIME! This time, I’m gonna do what my daddy always said to do when somethin’ went wrong. MAN UP. Time for me to quit havin’ a big ol’ pity party and take CHARGE. And I know exactly what I’m gonna do.

(picks up phone)

Jennifer, can you send Coach Garrett into my office? Thank you.

(door flies open)

Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. What seems to be the problem, my good man? Did you drop the rest of your Almond Joy on the ground, and now find yourself lacking the capacity to bend at the waist in order to retrieve it, wherever your waist may be located?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Pardon?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Come again?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Could you put that in a more erudite, Princeton way of phrasing?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Am I to take it that you mean I’m being expurgated?

Wade: Yes. I want to move in a new direction there, coach Garrett. So please pack up your things and go.

Garrett: Oh. Mmm hmm. I see. Hmm. Tee hee. Ho ho. Tee hee hee. Ha ha ha. Chuckle chuckle. GUFFAW! HEARTY GUFFAWING! LOUD, EBULLIENT GUFFAWING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!

Wade: What’s so dang funny?

Garrett: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Judd! Judd, my dear brother! Come hither at once!

(door flies open)

Judd: Dearest elder brother, I rushed here as soon as I could! Are you all right? Did this hideous sea creature try and consume you whole, as the whale once engulfed Jonah? My God, the smell! It infiltrates all my olfactory receptacles! I say, my nose is under severe duress!

Garrett: No, my dear brother. Nothing is wrong at all. I just thought I’d share with you an amusing anecdote. It seems that our “boss” here (stifles laughter), has just informed me of my impending termination.

Judd: No.

Garrett: It’s true!

Judd: Fire a Princeton man? Surely he jests!

Garrett: He does not jest!

Judd: No jesting of any sort?

Garrett: He has not jested in any fashion!

Judd: Surely, his lack of jesting is most jest-worthy!

Garrett: Indeed!

Judd: Huzzah! What a jester!

Garrett: I must tell our good friend Bill Kristol of this jesting merriment!

Judd: Indeed! I’ve never heard such an amusing jesture!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Wade: I don’t know what you two think is so dang amusing. Jason, I am the head coach of this team. And that means I have control over my staff. So I am firing you. And you too, Judd.

Judd: Oh, no! He’s fired me too!

Garrett: What a cavalcade of misfortune, dear brother!

Judd: How will we ever survive, good sir? With our excellent pedigrees, and sterling resumes, and pure European blood? BAHAHAHAHA!

Garrett: BAHAHAHA! Oh God! Someone tell him to stop! I can’t take it… all this jesting!

Judd: Brother! Brother! Is this not just like the time back at our Princeton eating club? When we ATE?! And then told Blakeley Chumwell that his girlfriend was NOT a member of the Mayflower Society?

Garrett: Oh, yes! That was an excellent jesting! And a good eating that resulted!

Judd: Indeed. There’s nothing like a good jesting paired with a good eating.

Wade: YOU TWO ARE FIRED! GET OUTTA THIS BUILDING RIGHT NOW!

Garrett: Oh ho ho, good man. Surely you know you can’t possibly fire us.

Wade: Why not? Who says I can’t?

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPITY ASSBANGAROO!! WHERE IS THAT FAT FUCK?!

Wade: Sir.

Jerry: YOU FAT SHIT! YOU BIG FAT USELESS TUB OF SHORTENING! YOU FUCKING SPOONBREAD-EATING GLOP OF SHIT-STUDDED BROWNIE DOUGH! YOU ARE FAT!

Wade: Sir, I know we’re struggling right now, but I am taking measures to get us back on track.

Jerry: Oh really, Boxy Brown? Do you have some sort of big fat magic wand that can git my boy ROMO back out on that field?! Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a star?

Wade: I believe you may at one time have…

Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! And you are FUCKING UP HIS TEAM with your big fat sausage fingers! You fat asshole! I made reservations for Tampa ages ago, AND YOU ARE FUCKING THOSE PLANS UP, FARTBURGER. Switzer and I already reserved a room with 12 megabars. WE WERE GONNA FUCK HALF OF TAMPA!

Wade: Sir. I have a handle on the situation. And I am taking action right this minute, starting with the dismissal of these two gentlemen.

Jerry: WHAT?

Garrett: Afraid so, Mr. Jones. It would seem that our buxom chap here has deemed that neither my or my dear brother’s dexterous minds are no longer welcome.

Judd: Indeed.

Jerry: He tried to fire you both? Well, that is… THAT IS THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING I EVER HEARD!

Garrett: I know! Don’t you find it a jesting worthy of Marceau?

Jerry: Oh, Tubby. I’ll give you one thing, fatass. You sure know how to lighten up the mood around these parts!

Wade: I wasn’t joking!

Jerry: Oh, please. Who would have called the plays if you had fired these two?

Wade: I would have.

Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, that’s even better! I can picture you on the helmet radio now! “Say, this here’s Coach Fatass. I’d like a large pepperoni, three large Meat Lover’s, an egg yolk milkshake, a whole roasted elephant, and a side of brie cheese fries.”

Garrett: Don’t forget the Gatorade cooler filled with chocolate mousse!

Judd: Or the defibrillator!

Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wade: This is serious! I’m taking charge here!

Jerry: Oh, son. The only thing you’re allowed to take charge of here is the FroYo bar! NOW GO FIND ME A QUARTERBACK WHO DOESN’T THROW LIKE A GODDAMN RODEO FAGGOT!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman be hidn out wit dem hos from da Gold Club. Pacman likey how dat azz be bouncn. He gon shine. He gon slap dem unyunz and den frost dat cupcake. Pacman down wid it. He gon go ackylacky on dat azz.

Jerry: Hey Adam, did you hear that tubby here tried to fire the Garretts?

Pacman: O, dat funny. Like dem Way-nz. Dey make dem white chicks n shit. Pacman down wid it. Pacman take dem white chicks and plug dat drain. Den he do da sticky sticky wit dat sirrup. And he gon drank. O, you say he kan’t drank? Nuh nuh nuh. He gon drank. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till dem white chicks get da white skeet on they shoez.

Garrett: Indeed! What a fine day of jesting this has become!

Wade: This sucks.

Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! WOOHOO! YOU’RE POWERLESS, FAT ASS!!!! THE ONLY THING YOU CAN TERMINATE IS YOUR WEIGHT WATCHERS CONTRACT! WOOO HOOOO YEEE DOGGIE I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!