The Greatest 1 p.m. Game Ever Hulaed
Sepia, the preferred color of old shit.
After weathering a few weeks of nigh unbearable early games, the schedule finally offers up a good 1 p.m. contest with the Ravens and Giants today. No doubt they will blubber on endlessly about this year marking the 50th anniversary of The Greatest Game Ever Played, the 1958 NFL Championship between the Baltimore Former Teams and the New York Frank Giffords. Exacerbating the liberal troweling of treacle is that it’s going to be coming from Dan Dierdorf, who scheduled to be in the booth for CBS. I think if we ever needed population control in America, and we’re getting close, the government would air one football game with Tony Kornheiser, Phil Simms and Dan Dierdorf doing the play-by-play. I know I’d fellate a handgun.
In other action, the Lions continue their death march to 0-16 at Carolina, the Neck Beard returns to face his summer camp buddy Aaron Rodgers, the Falcons and the Broncos unite in objection that the Giants and the Ravens was the worst Super Bowl of the last decade (all while I fervently deny a reality where Matt Ryan, Kurt Warner and Kerry Collins are viable MVP candidates in 2008), the Vikes and the Bucs flail around futilely in an attempt to make me care and the Chiefs will try to make it three weeks in a row where they squander an early lead against a clearly superior team.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:46 am
how did that Giants-Ravens Super Bowl turn out? I blacked out after Kerry Collins’ fourth INT.
November 16th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
yessssssssssssssssss
November 16th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I am very optimistic about the shit kicking I’ll be taking in fantasy today.
/starting Thigpen
November 16th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@throwbot: Nobody knows what happened. They blacked out the game on TV after they couldn’t sell enough tickets.
November 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Cleatus is packing a leafblower today…why? WHY GOD?
November 16th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Oh, for fuck sake. ESPN’s already trotting out Mercury Morris.
Do I want the Titans to lose this week, so we don’t see the rest of him this season? Or do we hold out for 19-0, so he’ll shut the fuck up forever?
November 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
If Kerry Collins win the super bowl he’ll get asked the shit where he is suppoed to say going to disney world and he’ll just answer, “To the fucking bar baby!!”
November 16th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
hoho! Touchdown WHITE DEVIL!!!!!!!
/please save me peyton hillis
November 16th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Looks like that convict shithead Ray Lewis has to pray to the God of Brandon Jacobs today.
WEDGE IT!
November 16th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Is Matt Stover still the best player in Ravens history?
November 16th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
The Bud Light Drinkability girl is far more tolerable than the Drinkablility guy.
Every cockpunch begins with Kay commercials.
Nissan is decent enough to offer 0 % financing without using a gay British song from the 80s.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I love watching Ray Lewis try to figure out how to take down Brandon Jacobs. I hate these teams, but I want Jacobs to run Ray Ray the fuck over, then pull an Ivan Drago on him.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
The Ravens negate a pick by being offsides? Who are they, the Cardinals?
BAHAHAHAHA
November 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Nice goal line stand, fuckfaces
November 16th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Brandon Jacobs sodomizes defenses at a level not seen since Jacko’s heyday.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
The Ravens will have to put a bounty on Brandon. That’s what they do with all the other players they can’t stop.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I know it’s hard to determine this stuff in a vacuum, but with two TDs already, If Jacobs goes over 125 today AND manages to annihilate God’s Favorite Linebacker in a head-to-head, he’d have to draw significant Meast consideration, right?
November 16th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
It would help get my vote.
But you Giants fans already got Tuck as Meast last week.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Good point by you — far be it from me to get greedy. Plus, my luck, Ray-Ray will shank Jacobs in a pile.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Does anyone else think that when Eli wears his hat on the sidelines, he looks kind of like a retarded version of Jim from “The Office”?
November 16th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Then Pam could stay in New York!
November 16th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Speaking of retards, the kid that keeps jumping on the mic during the Ravens/Giants broadcast is pissing me the fuck off.
November 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Whenever Eli leaves the stadium, he always comes home the wrong way. But it’s just because he can’t remember his address and can you call his mom pleeeeeeeze?
November 16th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
The Giants might win this game by 600 points
November 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Dierdorf: “A little premature elevation there, I think.”
(crushing silence of Gumbel not wanting to make a joke or reference to cum)
November 16th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Eli almost overthrows a wide open guy in the front of the endzone under no pressure
November 16th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Who the hell is Darcey Johnson?
November 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
UCF players are always fantasy killers. Look at… well that guy…
November 16th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Hey, UCF gave the league Daunte and Brandon Marshall. And it gave Giants fans Asante Samuel.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I don’t understand why opposing defenses don’t double Derrick Mason on every passing down. Flacco might as well point at him from behind center and say he’s trying to get him the ball.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Has he even looked at Todd Heap yet?
November 16th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Colts with 5 dropped passes in the first half = commence rage black-out
November 16th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Nice pick, Bert.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Flacco intercepted going to Mason. Irony thy name be Ape.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Don’t worry its all part of Rosenjew’s plan to cockpunch Texans fans again.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@dAndy:
Kerry Collins has been advised never to use the phrase “fucking bar baby!!” lest he slip up and utter “fucking tar baby!!”
On an unrelated note, what in the FUCK were the Bears doing throwing on 2nd down there?
/switches from beer to Maker’s Mark.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
The world-beating Ravens defense jumps the snap on consecutive plays.
This is fucking embarrassing. The Steelers may have lost to the Giants, but at least they gave them a fucking game.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Hey, Ray-Ray did something!
November 16th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I’ve been so busy sporting Ravens-loss wood that I didn’t notice starting fantasy QB Donovan McNabb is shiving me in the balls.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
At least the token Eli pick came at a useless time for the Ravens. Points would have been nice though.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Wow. Oakland is now playing a QB even worse than Jamarcus Russell.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I see the Ravens have started their “We’re down by three scores, but fuck it, we’re gonna dance and shout after every tackle” bullshit
November 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Commentary of the season, via CBS:
“…that’s why you can never take your eyes off the quarterback if you’re a receiver in this offense. Jay Cutler will try and stick it into some fairly tight holes”
yes, I’m immature.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
“Wait we haven’t blown a completely obvious call yet? Well then I guess we’re just gonna have to go ahead and manufacture a penalty now won’t we?”
November 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I guess they call that play the pitch-and-bitch
November 16th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Rofl. McGayhee is no Brandon Jacobs. He takes better dives than a soccer player, however.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Someone needs to arrange a white QB scamper-off between Matt Cassel and Joe Flacco.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Joe Flacco is the Ravens leading rusher. Just an idea of how great their offense is playing.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
We want Kenny Philips!!
November 16th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Now the Ravens have gone to designed Flacco runs.
I’m crying with laughter.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jesus, Giants. How do you leave Mason alone like that?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
That’s the one thing the Giants have done wrong–they leave Mason open on every fucking play.
And now, apparently, McClain.
Oh, and if the Giants don’t resign Jacobs, they are out of their fucking minds, and deserve to get knifed by Ray Ray
November 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Yes, that was a great idea. Who woulda thunk that an all-out 9 man blitz was probably stupid?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Stover gets the all-time consecutive PAT record. WHERE’S HIS PARADE?!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
The worst part wasn’t that they blitzed all out. The guy who had an open shot at the QB FELL DOWN. That’s ridiculous.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Ward’s got some great hands for a back. It’d be great to see the Giants keep both him and Jacobs at the end of this year, as unlikely as that is.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
It sounds like I’m missing quite a grudge match in the Meadowlands while enjoying these actually competitive and hard-hitting games in Atlanta and Tampa.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Holy shit, refs, really? You ruled that a pick?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Commenter northeast bias!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Is that a challenge-able ruling by Coughlin?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
YES!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
There is simply no way that he ever had possession of that ball.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Mike Carey went to the Tampa and Minnesota coaches to get them to tone down the hitting (especially after the whistle). Never seen that before, and I’ve seen every game Rodney Harrison has played since 2002.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Drew may start to turn on Purple Jesus with his newfound fumbleitis
November 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Frerotte is looking startlingly competent
November 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Purple Jesus is going to be black, blue, green, and purple tomorrow. he’s taking a beating.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Why must McNabb fuck Westbrook so? WHY??
November 16th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
You were saying, Ape?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
The Packers are beating up on Orton so much, that Joe Buck just suggested putting in Rexy!
/smirre
November 16th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Sorry, I was too busy masturbating furiously to the Ravens pick-six.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Saved by zero is back. Time to eat a bullet.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
OF course my fantasy opponent this week started both Cassel and Welkah…
And someone tell Willis McKneeInjury to get his ass on the field.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
… and New Orleans begins their regular “fourth quarter and up on the opponent? let’s fucking make this close by giving up touchdowns to Arena league QBs” decent to a loss.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Good lord, Denver’s defense is turrible
November 16th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I still can’t believe Tommie from Quinzee didn’t grace us with his views of the NFL’s overtime policy. I’m guessing that after careful consideration, he’s now against it, the dirty flip-flopper.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
The iPhone: making it easier to be a creep, one app at a time.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Damn Ahmad Bradshaw needs a little extra speed. That was so awesome.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Now it’s Bradshaw burning the bullshit Ravens D.
WEDGE IT!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Remember death is not an option: Hester playing receiver even though he has terrible hands or Hester being so tired that he falls down and goes boom when returning kicks?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
When you’re Ahmad, you gotta make the most of the 2 touches per game you get.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Bradshaw would have scored if Plax hadn’t been distracted by his mistakes.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Fabian Washington ran a sub 4.3 coming out of Nebraska. If there’s one guy who is going to catch Bradshaw, it would be him.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
That was so nice of Curt Menefee to let us know that Fox is switching to Min/TB because of the blowing-outness of GB/Chi.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Dual invocations of the “more competitive game” clause … it’s like a broke-ass version of Sunday Ticket!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
oakland is fucking ahead. could you have ever imagined in a million years oakland would be ahead?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
C’mon Andy Reid, go for the 4th and 1. You all do so great with those!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
There goes that Raiders lead
November 16th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Wait, Sam Madison is still alive?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Popcorn Muscles with the sack to end the game. To be fair, Jamarcus slothed his way into his arms.
November 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I need Purple Jesus to layeth judgment upon the sinners of Tampa Bay in this drive. How the hell is my entire fantasy team playing in the early games?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Mathias Kiwanuka: the meast Ape shunned
November 16th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
The fat fucks on fox with pancakes on their heads: “Let me tell you something…” “I’ll tell you what…” “Goose and Moose…”
FUCK
November 16th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Culpepper shits the bed!
November 16th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Is this all Giants fans have left to complain about: that their players don’t get the Meast every week?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
At this point, yes.
/also a Yankees fan
//hates himself
November 16th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
The point is much more easily argued when there are so many legitimate candidates for measthood on the team. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
November 16th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Sage Rosenfels proves, once again, that anyone can be an NFL QB.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I vote Meast goes to Ryan Grant and/or the Packers OL.
They beat the shit out of a Bears D that limited the Titans to 20 yards last week.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
The Eagles/Bengals game might be “competitive” but only in the way a ‘tard brawl is.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Sage Rosenfels proves that Matt Cassel will be endorsing a very large check in February.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Ape, please post the Timmy vs. Jimmy cripple fight.
Here’s the url
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmWb0HPTB9A
November 16th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
haha, giants made ray ray look like a little bitch bitch. Fuck the ravens and their pee wee league defense. By the second half the Giants were just playing with the Ravens like a cat plays with a dad mouse. where’s all the ravens fans talking smack earlier this week? JAcobs should have capped off the game by giving ray ray a hot lunch.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
kerry already threw a pick
November 16th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
why the cat gotta eat that dad mouse? why not the mom mouse?
November 16th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
oops, dad = dead
November 16th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I am really kind of hoping for this Eagles/Bengals game to end in a tie
Neither team deserves to win.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
and the SP cripple fight is prolly more exciting than the Iggles-Bungles tard brawl
November 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
@ Christmas Ape:
Exactly what I was thinking; win or lose (or…tie?), both the Bengals and Eagles deserve “I tried my best” ribbons like they hand out at the Special Olympics.
November 16th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
nice pick, marmalard.
November 16th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Where are the piece of shit Ravens fans?
Bunch of fucking cowards.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Here’s the thing: Jingles are a valid, and often extremely effective, method of advertising. But they only work for top-of-mind sort of products and if the jingle actually gets you to remember some kind of relevant information. SBZ has clearly failed here, but don’t forget the many others that have succeeded: http://urbzen.com/2008/11/20/five-dollar-footlong-vs-saved-by-zero/