The Brow and the Beast: Joe Flacco vs. Justin Tuck. WHO YA GOT?
It just so happens that the Ravens have won every meeting in their history against the Giants, including the most unwatchable Super Bowl ever. This year, the surprising Ravens are 6-3 (though the Dolphins are the only team with a winning record they’ve defeated) while minus Osi and Strahan, the Giants have yet to suffer the Super Bowl hangover everyone expected. Who are the difference makers driving their : a beetle-browed rookie QB and a measty defensive end. WHO YA GOT?
Joe Flacco___________________Justin Tuck
Fictional likeness
Bert________________________He-Man
Shorthand description
Waxer of unibrows__________________Destroyer of worlds
Somewhat interesting minutiae
Originally from Jersey____________________Cousin of former Raven Adalius Thomas
How can one avoid the other?
Keep lining up at receiver________________Somehow get blocked by Willie Anderson
Hitch in his game?
Stares down Derrick Mason as if he were a Magic Eye image_______________Kicks too much ass
Finishing Move
Praying that Derrick Mason gets open now…NOW! WHERE IS HE!_________Drawing a bullshit fine only to have it rescinded
Tags: baltimore ravens, new york giants, who ya got?, xmas ape
November 14th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Tuck. He’s won the Meast Award already, plus he got screwed out of it at least one more time.
And fuck footsteps flacco.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:02 am
JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE
JOE
JOE JOE
November 14th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Nice unbiased comparison, Kornheiser.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Never under estimate the power of the unibrow!
November 14th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Baby Gerald, we can’t help but wonder what mischief you’ll get into next
November 14th, 2008 at 9:48 am
“Hey, bros!”
“HI, JOE!”
Feel alive with Coast! It gets you to go! It gets you to go, Joe!
November 14th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Nice unbiased comparison, Kornheiser.
Can you believe, IN A MILLION YEARS, that Ravens fans come here and expect us to be objective? I mean, they see the reminder that it’s a humor site, and yet they expect even-handed analysis, DO THEY NOT? WHO DOES THAT?
November 14th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I feel like Ape’s effusive praise of Tuck is just intended to set Giants fans up for a crushing downfall — not with an actual loss to the Ravens, but with the introduction of a horrific and insulting new character (something along the lines of “Justin Tuck: Inveterate Kid-Toucher”) into the KSK Galaxy of Stars.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Calm down, Ape, and dry your tears with your terrible towel.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Whenever I think about that superbowl, I remember all the drunken’ bitter cursing of Kerry Collins. If only he were drunk too…if only.
November 14th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Flacco went to school in the Grundle of America. That automatically sets him up for EPIC FAIL~!
Fuck both teams, actually. Fuck ‘em hard.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:11 am
JT all the way, and only partially because I’m a Notre Dame homer. Flacco totally collapses when he plays teams with a decent pass rush, just look at his stats against the Steelers (sacked 5 times, fumbled twice), the Titans (threw 2 picks), and the Colts (sacked 4 times, threw 3 picks). Flacco is in for a long afternoon at the Meadowlands.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:13 am
@toastie: Whenever I think about that Super Bowl, I think about how the men of my family congregated at my home for a night of booze, food and gambling, a night that served as sort of an initiation into manhood for an 18-year-old me — it was the first time that I was old enough to really appreciate that our team was playing for a championship, and coming off of the high of the 41-0 thrashing of the Vikes, I refused to believe that we’d get eviscerated (”We’ve got Ike Hilliard AND Jessie Armstead — how can we lose?!?”). A part of my innocence died when Jermaine Lewis’ runback canceled out Ron Dixon’s. A house full of rowdy Irish Catholic men grew quiet and drank for the wrong reasons. My father wouldn’t live to see the next Giants championship.
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
November 14th, 2008 at 11:15 am
the name Flacco is to close to the name Falco. I got Tuck
November 14th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Joe the Quarterback? That ship has sailed. Tuck Rules!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Calm down, Ape, and dry your tears with your terrible towel.
Stupid towel > Purple camo pants
November 14th, 2008 at 11:28 am
“Pulpre” would be a fun Hines word. I mean, wourd and wold.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Well Magic Eye just killed 30 minutes. Thanks!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Fuck “hardons” for untested defenses basking in the glory of a bad haircut’s decent game.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:41 am
SLOW MORNING ROUND HERE.
HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO. WOOF WOOF
November 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Well Magic Eye just killed 30 minutes. Thanks!
Yeah, me too – and thanks for the headache!
November 14th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I can never figure out those damn magic eye things
November 14th, 2008 at 11:57 am
pretty impressive. almost noon and not one complaint about sexy Friday not arriving yet.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Tuck, because all of his brainpower seems to be focused at the Apex of his cranium. And Flacco reminds me of the word Flaccid which is not what Sexy Friday is all about.
AM I RIGHT!!!!
/Portis is out, all hail Viceroy Alexander!
November 14th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
it’s things like that picture of flacco that almost make me glad i’m not a pro athlete. almost.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
The last time i saw Flacco, he was plastered on the turf of Villanova stadium.. when he’s under pressure.. he’s about as proficient as Big Daddy Drew is at selling his book
November 14th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m tempted to bitch about it being a slow Sexy Friday…but I remember Ufford was good to us last week.
(picture unrelated)
http://i33.tinypic.com/24wuemq.jpg
November 14th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Oh damnit, wrong picture.
http://i37.tinypic.com/15zlegl.jpg
November 14th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
It’s a schooner!
November 14th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
@pirate sloth, THE EASTER BUNNY DOESN’T EXIST, THAT’S JUST SOME GUY IN A SUIT!!!
November 14th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
@Devine, I know what you mean. After they kicked ass at home in the NFC Championship game I though, hey, maybe they can take it to the this “supposed” fucking awesome Ravens Defense. Then, that second Collins pick that day just brought with it some ANGRY drinking. I mean, ANGRY. I turned into a billegerent asshole who later threw up. It was not the best day ever, not in the least.
Sorry about your dad though.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
/Portis is out, all hail Viceroy Alexander!
Tony Romo’s smile has been upgraded to Cheshire Cat
November 14th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Up until now Coughlin has been depending on Jacobs/Ward/Bradshaw a lot. If the Ravens defense can stop the Giants’ running game (see: Giants/Steelers, four trips to the red zone without a touchdown) that means Coughlin will have to depend on Eli’s throwing arm.
Sometimes we get Good Elisha (the playoffs and the Super Bowl) and sometimes we get Bad Elisha (Cleveland 35-Giants 14; last season’s Vikings 41-Giants 17). It depends which Eli shows up.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Doesn’t that mean Tuck’s fictional likeness isn’t He-Man but Galactus? Or, I guess, Blacktus, but you know what I mean.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Too bad Troy Smith can only see Joe Flacco when he’s under center.
November 14th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Tuck’s oddly shaped head FTW!!!
and devine, even as a giants fan, i’d still gladly welcome a new dysfunctional Giants KSKaracter to break up the monotony of the “we won but we could’ve played better” giants locker room.
/bring back tomato-faced coughlin!!!
November 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Tuck, easily. Thing is, though, the Muppets stick really together. If you fuck with Bert, you’re also fucking with Ernie, Snuffy, Animal, Sam (the Uptight American Eagle), Crazy Harry, Fozzie the Bear…
November 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
While at ND Tuck had his name in the student online directory read First Name: Alabama Black Snake Last Name Tuck.
November 14th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Flacco fear from yule yinzer duly noted. And speaking of fear, watch out for the vaunted return of “Eli Face!”® this Sunday. Yes, everyone’s favorite slack-jawed showstopper will temporarily leave it’s new home on Big Bum’s bloated mush and make a special reappearance back in the Meadowlands where it all started!
This weekend only…BE-BE-BE THERE!
PS: “Most unwatchable Super Bowl ever.” Sorry, ape. Ravens HAD to win XXXV in an ass-stomping blowout.
Like the Stillers, the Giants can usually count on fanboys in the NFL ref crews to lend a helping hand and the Tagliabue-despised Modell men weren’t taking any chances. Taint-free is the only way to be!
November 14th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
@Barrack Billick
Do you really think the Ravens will win? Really?
What was the last good offense the Ravens faced? Hmmm, let me see…oh yeah, it was the Colts. And how many points did they allow? Oh yeah, it was 31.
Teams the Ravens have played this year: Bengals, Browns (twice), Steelers (they allowed 23 points), Dolphins, Raiders, Texans. Only solid performance against a good team was the Titans and that was back when the Titans were winning almost on Defense alone. I love when fans of teams with mediocre AFC schedules talk trash. Want to know how much money I won on the Superbowl this year? Clue: I live in New England so it was a lot.
November 15th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
@skc
The Texans had the number 4 offense jackass,look what happened to them.The Ravens have played one bad game all year…thats it.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
@pdiddy
Yeah, with matt schaub as quarterback, genius. With sage “turnover machine” rosenfal the Texans are mediocre. Try again.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
As a UK-based Ravens fan, I found your blog on google and read a few of your other Ravens posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.